Allison, now nine, was born in 1994. I was young, 20, but knew a little about what I wanted and didn't want. I did want to breastfeed, and quit smoking as soon as I realsied I was pregnant. I didn't want drugs or an episiotomy. We didn't have insurance or money, so we went to a clinic in a city hospital. We were herded in there like dairy cattle, and I was lucky enough to go on the same days as the pregnant prison women, handcuffed and waiting for their pre-natals.
So I was at 38 weeks, and had had some mucus plug for a few days. I remember being at my mother in laws, painting easter baskets, and she said how all first time babies go overdue and that I wouldn't have her for weeks. But I had been contracting all afternoon, and thought I had a high leak. So I called the clinic and the nurse laughed and said I was just peeing myself. Well we went home that night, and I couldn't get to sleep. My contractions were about every 5 minutes or so, but very mild. I called again, and was told I wasn't in labor. Around 2 am, I just knew I was, so we went in to the hospital. (I didn't understand staying home was best then.) So we ge there, and they check for amnio fluid, and I did have a high leak. So right away, they say, well WHY didn't you come in sooner!? Very accusitory. The md says that since my water's been broken and labor wasn't active,that they needed to get things going. So, internal monitor, pitocin, and iv. I labored like this until morning, then the anesth. came in and asked if I was ready for the epidural. I started to cry and Bill, my husband said go ahead and get it, it doesn't mean you failed. So in went that, then the catheter. I was so dissapointed, knew I didn't want any of it, but didn't know HOW to get what I wanted. So when it was time to push, an md from the clinic that I had never met, Dr. A** hole we'll call him, comes in. Doesn't acknowledge me at all. I don't remember a lot, except for the very worst memory regarding her birth. I told him, when I saw him getting ready for the episiotomy, that i definately didn't want that done. so he looks up at me for the first time, and laughs at me, then cuts. &*%$#^@ bastard. She was born, and was fine. So cute and sweet. I told them I wanted to go home in 24 hours, and they said no, clinic patients have to stay two days because they don't know what they're doing. So that night, I'm alone. Bill had to leave and she was in the nursery. I was crying, and went to the nursery to get her. They looked put off by my coming there and made me wash my hands for two minutes at the sink before I could take her. I went and sat with her in the lounge, and felt us bond. I nuzzled her peach-fuzzy head. (She was born on April first, which was also good friday that year, and we named her Allison by the way.) Well, of course they also screwed up any chance of us nursing well too. they gave her bottles and a pacifier, she got nipple confusion,and though I continued to try for 7 weeks I ended up quitting. Turned out she had an undetected heart problem, and I know in my heart she would have so benfited from a much longer nursing relationship. I had to go back to work full time so my husband could get his degree, and we had to move in with my in laws for a year. I had post partum depression that lingered for over a year. I have massive regrets about the whole thing- how I got pregnant at a time when we weren' really prepared to, then guilt for feeling that about her, guilt about the nursing, anger at that aweful clinic, and so sad that I can't look back fondly at her beginning like I can with my other two. I will do their stories some day, they are happier, much more so. Allison is so sweet, bright, and her heart is fine. She is in the middle of pre-teen angst and all that. Every time she gets sick though, I feel guilty about the breastfeeding. (Her heart problems always came about when she was ill, and of course if she had been nursed she wouldn't have gotten ill as much.) I cry about it sometimes, am right now, as a matter of fact. I wish so much I would've read the right books, or gone to a lll meeting, or something. I just didn't know. Now, I am a breastfeeding counselor and a doula. Maybe if I hadn't gone through what i did, i would have not gone down this path. Maybe there is a reason for everything. anyway, thanks for reading. Maybe this can be a bit cathartic for me.
So I was at 38 weeks, and had had some mucus plug for a few days. I remember being at my mother in laws, painting easter baskets, and she said how all first time babies go overdue and that I wouldn't have her for weeks. But I had been contracting all afternoon, and thought I had a high leak. So I called the clinic and the nurse laughed and said I was just peeing myself. Well we went home that night, and I couldn't get to sleep. My contractions were about every 5 minutes or so, but very mild. I called again, and was told I wasn't in labor. Around 2 am, I just knew I was, so we went in to the hospital. (I didn't understand staying home was best then.) So we ge there, and they check for amnio fluid, and I did have a high leak. So right away, they say, well WHY didn't you come in sooner!? Very accusitory. The md says that since my water's been broken and labor wasn't active,that they needed to get things going. So, internal monitor, pitocin, and iv. I labored like this until morning, then the anesth. came in and asked if I was ready for the epidural. I started to cry and Bill, my husband said go ahead and get it, it doesn't mean you failed. So in went that, then the catheter. I was so dissapointed, knew I didn't want any of it, but didn't know HOW to get what I wanted. So when it was time to push, an md from the clinic that I had never met, Dr. A** hole we'll call him, comes in. Doesn't acknowledge me at all. I don't remember a lot, except for the very worst memory regarding her birth. I told him, when I saw him getting ready for the episiotomy, that i definately didn't want that done. so he looks up at me for the first time, and laughs at me, then cuts. &*%$#^@ bastard. She was born, and was fine. So cute and sweet. I told them I wanted to go home in 24 hours, and they said no, clinic patients have to stay two days because they don't know what they're doing. So that night, I'm alone. Bill had to leave and she was in the nursery. I was crying, and went to the nursery to get her. They looked put off by my coming there and made me wash my hands for two minutes at the sink before I could take her. I went and sat with her in the lounge, and felt us bond. I nuzzled her peach-fuzzy head. (She was born on April first, which was also good friday that year, and we named her Allison by the way.) Well, of course they also screwed up any chance of us nursing well too. they gave her bottles and a pacifier, she got nipple confusion,and though I continued to try for 7 weeks I ended up quitting. Turned out she had an undetected heart problem, and I know in my heart she would have so benfited from a much longer nursing relationship. I had to go back to work full time so my husband could get his degree, and we had to move in with my in laws for a year. I had post partum depression that lingered for over a year. I have massive regrets about the whole thing- how I got pregnant at a time when we weren' really prepared to, then guilt for feeling that about her, guilt about the nursing, anger at that aweful clinic, and so sad that I can't look back fondly at her beginning like I can with my other two. I will do their stories some day, they are happier, much more so. Allison is so sweet, bright, and her heart is fine. She is in the middle of pre-teen angst and all that. Every time she gets sick though, I feel guilty about the breastfeeding. (Her heart problems always came about when she was ill, and of course if she had been nursed she wouldn't have gotten ill as much.) I cry about it sometimes, am right now, as a matter of fact. I wish so much I would've read the right books, or gone to a lll meeting, or something. I just didn't know. Now, I am a breastfeeding counselor and a doula. Maybe if I hadn't gone through what i did, i would have not gone down this path. Maybe there is a reason for everything. anyway, thanks for reading. Maybe this can be a bit cathartic for me.
