I want another baby. Not yet, I won't even consider ttc for another year (although the condoms keep breaking on us, so it might not be up to us . . .). I'm so afraid of the birth. Every time I think about giving birth again, I seize up, I can't breathe, I panick. To an outside observer, this would seem downright silly. My kids were both born at home. I basically even controlled the day they were born, consciously using sex and alternative therapy to get the show on the road.
My first dd was a relatively peaceful labour, about 6 hours, intense contractions but I dealt well. I pushed for an hour and a half. The cord was too short to nurse, I stopped contracting, wound up bleeding in blurps, went into shock, had an oxytocin shot, placenta pulled by traction, wound up in the hospital for about 12 hours, first to get checked to see if there were any bits of placenta left, then to get an IV. Still, it was not a bad experience, even the hospital stay was relatively pleasant. I even wanted a "do-over".
Then came dd2. I started having contractions on a Monday. Nothing major, but I phoned my parents to come into the city (they barely made it for dd1's birth, so my instructions were to phone as soon as something started happening). I had fairly mild contractions all day, but nothing came of it. Nothing all day Tuesday. Wednesday again, nothing . . . but I had a BodyTalk appointment that night. I knew I was the one blocking it - I had so many fears about being able to take care of a second child when I barely felt able to take care of the first adequately anymore by the end of my pregnancy. Baby communicated with me during the session. Said "whenever you're ready, mom". I went home, knowing that I needed to reconnect with dd1 (just turned 2 at the time). I put her in a stretchy wrap on my front, and dh, myself and dd went for a walk. Not a very long walk, but around the block. It put dd to sleep. We got back, put dd in bed, and dh and I stayed up and talked for a while. I was completely exhausted, mentally, physically, emotionally, but I needed to unwind a bit before bed. When we went to bed, dd1 was burning up with a high fever (I had given her Pulsatilla earlier, I think the fever was some emotional excess coming out of her system). I told the baby "not tonight, I need my rest". I woke the next morning around 7, dd1 was over the fever. I nursed her back to sleep. Dh and I then had sex and lingered in bed a while. I told the baby I was ready. I went to bathroom, just after 7:30 am, and that's when it started. I could tell the contractions were intense, I immediately started filling the tub with water so I could labour in the water. Dh phoned the mw, and my parents (they were staying at a hotel). In the middle of my third contraction, dd came into the bathroom (I had woken her up) and I told dh to take her away. After the contraction was over, I told him to bring her back. I told her mommy was okay, baby was coming and that's how it happens. I asked if she needed a hug. She came running up and hugged me. Then I told her to go enjoy her toast for breakfast. She ran halfway down the hall to the kitchen, then turned around and came back to the bathroom. "Baby here?" she asked. I laughed "no, not yet. I'll let you know when baby comes."
Everyone arrived at the house shortly after 8. My dad took dd downstairs to watch a movie and I put everyone else to work right away. Dh had helped me out of the tub a couple of contractions earlier and was supporting my belly by holding me around the waist as I leaned on the sink. The midwife came into the bathroom and asked me if I was comfortable. I told her I wanted to move into the living room (we had set up a massage table in the center of the room) She and my husband helped me make it in there - the contractions were totally back to back with no break by this point, and I couldn't have made it on my own. I leaned over the massage table. My mother held my hands across the massage table and supported me standing. One of the doulas supported my belly, the other massaged my back. Soon my body started pushing. I was completely out of control. My body was acting without my brain. This was not going with the flow - it was sheer terror. Everything was happening too fast. I was running on adrenaline. I still panick, just thinking about it. Giving in and letting go are two different things. I didn't give in, I let go. I wasn't there. The pressure was tremendous. My midwife asked if I wanted her to break my waters - I had started to push out the sac, but it hadn't broken yet. I told her "yes" - looking back, it would have been interesting to have a baby born "in the caul", but I just couldn't handle the pressure. Niesha Arabelle was born two pushes later, at 8:40 AM on January 26, 2006, caught by her daddy. She was 20" long, 6lb. 13oz. (just like her sister), 9 days "early" (just like her sister), and absolutely beautiful (still is - just like her sister
) We left the placenta attached for about 2 hours (wanted to do lotus birth if possible), but found it annoying and cut the cord.
From an outsiders perspective, it was a perfect birth. I controlled when it happened, seemed in control to everyone else through the whole thing, I let my body do the work . . . but it still takes my breath away. I panic. I can't imagine ever willfully feeling that sheer terror again. The pain I can handle. The pressure I can handle. But the loss of control . . . how do I get past it?
My first dd was a relatively peaceful labour, about 6 hours, intense contractions but I dealt well. I pushed for an hour and a half. The cord was too short to nurse, I stopped contracting, wound up bleeding in blurps, went into shock, had an oxytocin shot, placenta pulled by traction, wound up in the hospital for about 12 hours, first to get checked to see if there were any bits of placenta left, then to get an IV. Still, it was not a bad experience, even the hospital stay was relatively pleasant. I even wanted a "do-over".
Then came dd2. I started having contractions on a Monday. Nothing major, but I phoned my parents to come into the city (they barely made it for dd1's birth, so my instructions were to phone as soon as something started happening). I had fairly mild contractions all day, but nothing came of it. Nothing all day Tuesday. Wednesday again, nothing . . . but I had a BodyTalk appointment that night. I knew I was the one blocking it - I had so many fears about being able to take care of a second child when I barely felt able to take care of the first adequately anymore by the end of my pregnancy. Baby communicated with me during the session. Said "whenever you're ready, mom". I went home, knowing that I needed to reconnect with dd1 (just turned 2 at the time). I put her in a stretchy wrap on my front, and dh, myself and dd went for a walk. Not a very long walk, but around the block. It put dd to sleep. We got back, put dd in bed, and dh and I stayed up and talked for a while. I was completely exhausted, mentally, physically, emotionally, but I needed to unwind a bit before bed. When we went to bed, dd1 was burning up with a high fever (I had given her Pulsatilla earlier, I think the fever was some emotional excess coming out of her system). I told the baby "not tonight, I need my rest". I woke the next morning around 7, dd1 was over the fever. I nursed her back to sleep. Dh and I then had sex and lingered in bed a while. I told the baby I was ready. I went to bathroom, just after 7:30 am, and that's when it started. I could tell the contractions were intense, I immediately started filling the tub with water so I could labour in the water. Dh phoned the mw, and my parents (they were staying at a hotel). In the middle of my third contraction, dd came into the bathroom (I had woken her up) and I told dh to take her away. After the contraction was over, I told him to bring her back. I told her mommy was okay, baby was coming and that's how it happens. I asked if she needed a hug. She came running up and hugged me. Then I told her to go enjoy her toast for breakfast. She ran halfway down the hall to the kitchen, then turned around and came back to the bathroom. "Baby here?" she asked. I laughed "no, not yet. I'll let you know when baby comes."
Everyone arrived at the house shortly after 8. My dad took dd downstairs to watch a movie and I put everyone else to work right away. Dh had helped me out of the tub a couple of contractions earlier and was supporting my belly by holding me around the waist as I leaned on the sink. The midwife came into the bathroom and asked me if I was comfortable. I told her I wanted to move into the living room (we had set up a massage table in the center of the room) She and my husband helped me make it in there - the contractions were totally back to back with no break by this point, and I couldn't have made it on my own. I leaned over the massage table. My mother held my hands across the massage table and supported me standing. One of the doulas supported my belly, the other massaged my back. Soon my body started pushing. I was completely out of control. My body was acting without my brain. This was not going with the flow - it was sheer terror. Everything was happening too fast. I was running on adrenaline. I still panick, just thinking about it. Giving in and letting go are two different things. I didn't give in, I let go. I wasn't there. The pressure was tremendous. My midwife asked if I wanted her to break my waters - I had started to push out the sac, but it hadn't broken yet. I told her "yes" - looking back, it would have been interesting to have a baby born "in the caul", but I just couldn't handle the pressure. Niesha Arabelle was born two pushes later, at 8:40 AM on January 26, 2006, caught by her daddy. She was 20" long, 6lb. 13oz. (just like her sister), 9 days "early" (just like her sister), and absolutely beautiful (still is - just like her sister
) We left the placenta attached for about 2 hours (wanted to do lotus birth if possible), but found it annoying and cut the cord.From an outsiders perspective, it was a perfect birth. I controlled when it happened, seemed in control to everyone else through the whole thing, I let my body do the work . . . but it still takes my breath away. I panic. I can't imagine ever willfully feeling that sheer terror again. The pain I can handle. The pressure I can handle. But the loss of control . . . how do I get past it?
) - I've been asking myself that question as well, and while I do think that's part of the issue(and that I do have control issues 
), it's not the whole issue. Because my contractions were on top of each other, I had no time to focus, draw inward, and center myself in between like I had with my previous birth. I became completely ungrounded and couldn't figure out how to get back into my body, so to speak. You know how women who've had their births in a highly medicalized way will often speak of birth as something that was done TO them as opposed to something they DID? That's sort of how I felt . . . my body was doing it to me but my spirit, mind and body were NOT one in it . . . it was not and empowering birth at all, it was very disempowering. But it was my own body that betrayed me.
