until today it all just came out. I didn't even realize that I was doing it...but every time anyone has ever asked about the birth of my daughter I just simply say "I don't really remember any of it" and then end the conversation there. I guess I wasn't facing the fact that I don't remember it and it's killing me that I can't. I haven't even made any posts on here since she was born and I think it's because I have this fear of having to relive her birth and what I do remember, which is not pleasant. So even if no one reads this, I'm fine with that because I think just getting it out will be healing for me.
So here's her story as I recall it.
Before I explain what happened with her, let me explain my son's c-section. I was also suffering from pregnancy induced hypertension and knew a lot less going into that delivery than I know now. I let my Doctor press me into an unnecessary c-section because of the hypertension. Induction wasn't even an option she gave me. I regret so many of the decisions I made with him but I can't go back.
With his surgery, it all started out good and when he was pulled out, I saw his face and was able to count all his fingers and toes and see for myself that he was in fact, healthy and all boy. I heard his first cries. Then not 10 minutes after he was born, I started feeling SOOOO much. I felt hands inside me, I felt tugging, pulling, burning, searing pain. I was screaming in agony and they put something in my IV and I felt the burning all the way up my arm until I promptly fell asleep mid-scream. I woke back up just as they were finishing and while I still felt a lot of pain, it was bearable. They wheeled me back into my room and tested me to see if I could feel the tickling of my feet... not only could I feel it, I could move my legs and feet. The doctors looked at each other with a worried look on their face and left the room and never came back. One day later, I got a spinal headache. The worst thing I had ever felt in my life. I have a very high pain tolerance but the c-section and the spinal headache were too much for me. I was unable to sit up (I was okay if I was laying down but had to hold my head in my hands if sitting up or going to the bathroom or it felt like it would tumble off), unable to nurse because laying down to nurse after a c-section just did not work. I took massive amounts of pain meds (and suffered a serious allergic reaction...and then they tried to give me the same med afterward), not for my c-section but for this headache. Nothing helped. Finally after two, yes TWO, days of suffering with this headache they finally gave me a blood patch... it worked instantly. I was highly upset over my entire birth. Nothing happened the way I wanted. They told me my son was starving and gave him a bottle AND a pacifier because I was unable to sit up and nurse him so they ruined any chance I had at breastfeeding. He would never latch on after that and not for lack of trying... I tried for 2 months to get him back on the breast all while trying to pump what I could. (I never was able to get more then 2 ounces total) I ended up giving him formula and it broke my heart. Nothing happened the way I wanted it to... I was in a deep depression over everything that happened but atleast I acknowledged it and came to accept it.
Now fast forward to January of '06, I found out I was pregnant with my daughter. I was SO very excited and wanted so badly to have a VBAC... actually, I take that back I wanted a HBAC but DH would not allow that and I felt I had to accomidate his wishes, mainly because I knew that I would have blood pressure problems with this pregnancy as well. I was right but they didn't show up until week 38. My pregnancy up until that point was picture perfect and My Doctor and I both fully expected me to go on to a VBAC no problem. But then at week 38, my BP soared... We waited it out and did stress tests on her every other day. On September 27th, I had an appointment with my OB and she was very concerned about the BP. It was very high! I can't remember the exact numbers but it was worrisome. She basically said it was time to give up my dream of a VBAC for the health of my baby (she wasn't doing great with stress tests either) so I agreed. I was highly upset but just wanted her to come out ASAP and be healthy so she planned for a c-section. She initially tried to make it the 29th of September but that was my son's birthday and I didn't want them to have the same day if I was able to avoid it, not to mention I wanted a couple more days to let my body go into labor. So we scheduled it for October 2nd... I was praying like crazy I would go into labor over the weekend. It was not to be.
On October 2nd, we showed up at the hospital at 9:00am and they prepped me for surgery. It started promptly at 12:00am.
They sat me up to administer the spinal tap... I was scared to death of that as it was because of the headache that I had got with my son... but this time I went to a hospital where the anastesiologists were there 24/7 and they promised me they would check on me several times in the next 24 hours to make sure one wasn't appearing and if one was, they would immediately do a blood patch. So that calmed me some.
As soon as I layed down, the problems started. The anastesiologist kept asking me "can you feel this?" and each time, the answer was an emphatic "yes!" He and I were both quite worried about what that might mean... a couple minutes later my husband was called in, 15 minutes later my feet were numb but was still able to move them... He kept telling my husband "I've never seen this happen before... she shouldn't be feeling anything." I heard him say this atleast 5 times. Finally, I was unable to move my feet at all but I was still feeling things as low as my mid-abdomen but he okay'd the Doctor's to start surgery... As soon as they touched me I said "I feel that... you're putting in my catheter, I can feel it!!!!" and they just kept trying to tell me it was okay... it was not. They started cutting... I felt it. I felt everything. I was screaming in absolute agony.... I have never felt pain so intense and so incredibly horrible and... wrong. I was scared, I was in pain, I didn't know how to express anything except in screams. My husband had a look of absolute panic on his face but I couldn't think about him, all I could think of was how much pain I was in. Finally the anastesiologist shot something into my IV and it brought me minimal relief. It may have knocked me out right away, I'm not sure... I can't remember. The next point I remember is them saying "Her head is out" and all I could do was grunt and fall back into my stupor. The next thing I remember is them pulling her out... and yeah, I could feel EVERYTHING once again. They pumped me full of the crap to put me in that horrible daze again. I was able to get out "she....okay?" I never heard the answer... but a few minutes later (or maybe longer, I have no concept of time from that day) my husband held her up to show her to me. I knew he was showing her to me but nothing registered. I never heard her first cries, I couldn't tell what color her hair was or if she even had any. I couldn't grasp anything about the way she looked. I remember asking my husband atleast twice more in the OR to show her to me but I don't remember actually seeing her. I asked again a couple times in the recovery room... still nothing. Then they took her to the nursery and did her tests and such... I started coming out of the haze and they pushed on my abdomen so hard I thought I would pass out. I smacked the nurses hand away several times... nothing had ever felt so painful in my life. Finally 3 hours later I got to go to my room and I kept asking when I would get to see her... no one understood that I had NO idea what my child looked like... I hadn't even got to see for myself that she was healthy.
Finally, and God bless them to this day.... the nursery nurses came to my door and said "This baby is starving, can we bring her in now, please????" The Doctors wanted me to wait even longer... I screamed "YES! Bring my baby to me!!!" and they did, despite what the doctors wanted. I finally got to see her... she was, in fact, healthy and beautiful and ready to nurse!
I know there are worse birth stories out there then mine, I know that some women don't even get to see anything of their birth... but that doesn't help the deep sadness I can't help but feel when I think of my daughter's birth. It hurts so much when someone asks me about it... I just have to gloss over it like it doesn't bother me. Thankfully one thing did work out that didn't before... I have the most beautiful nursing relationship with my daughter. I don't think I'll ever let her eat anything because I cherish it so very much!
And to top things off, last week I was looking through my digital camera pictures which my husband took in the OR and somehow, I still don't know how it happened, I erased them... that was the one thing I had of her birth... now I have nothing. I absolutely broke down when I realized what I had done. I tried talking to both my husband and my mother about it but neither one understood why it hurt me so much... "Well, you were there atleast you have those memories."... "No, I don't... I don't remember any of it."... "Well, you have her here with you and that's what matters." Of course that matters but I can never get that day back. It's one of the most important days of my life and I have nothing to remember it. Nothing! My heart hurts so bad and I don't know how to get over it... Just glossing over it is not working. As I started to answer someone's post today and started typing something about her birth and just broke down... I couldn't finish the post, I couldn't bring myself to do it. That's when I came here and forced myself to write this. I thought it would help.... it does but not as much as I hoped. Anyway, Thanks for letting me try to get it out...
And now it scares me to think about having another child. I want another one but what happens when my blood pressure soars again? What happens if I have to have another c-section? Can I face that again? Would it be better knowing that I won't remember anything? (Because they would have to knock me out completely) Or will I be even worse off not having ANYthing to remember? I just don't know... I don't know how to feel.
So here's her story as I recall it.
Before I explain what happened with her, let me explain my son's c-section. I was also suffering from pregnancy induced hypertension and knew a lot less going into that delivery than I know now. I let my Doctor press me into an unnecessary c-section because of the hypertension. Induction wasn't even an option she gave me. I regret so many of the decisions I made with him but I can't go back.
With his surgery, it all started out good and when he was pulled out, I saw his face and was able to count all his fingers and toes and see for myself that he was in fact, healthy and all boy. I heard his first cries. Then not 10 minutes after he was born, I started feeling SOOOO much. I felt hands inside me, I felt tugging, pulling, burning, searing pain. I was screaming in agony and they put something in my IV and I felt the burning all the way up my arm until I promptly fell asleep mid-scream. I woke back up just as they were finishing and while I still felt a lot of pain, it was bearable. They wheeled me back into my room and tested me to see if I could feel the tickling of my feet... not only could I feel it, I could move my legs and feet. The doctors looked at each other with a worried look on their face and left the room and never came back. One day later, I got a spinal headache. The worst thing I had ever felt in my life. I have a very high pain tolerance but the c-section and the spinal headache were too much for me. I was unable to sit up (I was okay if I was laying down but had to hold my head in my hands if sitting up or going to the bathroom or it felt like it would tumble off), unable to nurse because laying down to nurse after a c-section just did not work. I took massive amounts of pain meds (and suffered a serious allergic reaction...and then they tried to give me the same med afterward), not for my c-section but for this headache. Nothing helped. Finally after two, yes TWO, days of suffering with this headache they finally gave me a blood patch... it worked instantly. I was highly upset over my entire birth. Nothing happened the way I wanted. They told me my son was starving and gave him a bottle AND a pacifier because I was unable to sit up and nurse him so they ruined any chance I had at breastfeeding. He would never latch on after that and not for lack of trying... I tried for 2 months to get him back on the breast all while trying to pump what I could. (I never was able to get more then 2 ounces total) I ended up giving him formula and it broke my heart. Nothing happened the way I wanted it to... I was in a deep depression over everything that happened but atleast I acknowledged it and came to accept it.
Now fast forward to January of '06, I found out I was pregnant with my daughter. I was SO very excited and wanted so badly to have a VBAC... actually, I take that back I wanted a HBAC but DH would not allow that and I felt I had to accomidate his wishes, mainly because I knew that I would have blood pressure problems with this pregnancy as well. I was right but they didn't show up until week 38. My pregnancy up until that point was picture perfect and My Doctor and I both fully expected me to go on to a VBAC no problem. But then at week 38, my BP soared... We waited it out and did stress tests on her every other day. On September 27th, I had an appointment with my OB and she was very concerned about the BP. It was very high! I can't remember the exact numbers but it was worrisome. She basically said it was time to give up my dream of a VBAC for the health of my baby (she wasn't doing great with stress tests either) so I agreed. I was highly upset but just wanted her to come out ASAP and be healthy so she planned for a c-section. She initially tried to make it the 29th of September but that was my son's birthday and I didn't want them to have the same day if I was able to avoid it, not to mention I wanted a couple more days to let my body go into labor. So we scheduled it for October 2nd... I was praying like crazy I would go into labor over the weekend. It was not to be.
On October 2nd, we showed up at the hospital at 9:00am and they prepped me for surgery. It started promptly at 12:00am.
They sat me up to administer the spinal tap... I was scared to death of that as it was because of the headache that I had got with my son... but this time I went to a hospital where the anastesiologists were there 24/7 and they promised me they would check on me several times in the next 24 hours to make sure one wasn't appearing and if one was, they would immediately do a blood patch. So that calmed me some.
As soon as I layed down, the problems started. The anastesiologist kept asking me "can you feel this?" and each time, the answer was an emphatic "yes!" He and I were both quite worried about what that might mean... a couple minutes later my husband was called in, 15 minutes later my feet were numb but was still able to move them... He kept telling my husband "I've never seen this happen before... she shouldn't be feeling anything." I heard him say this atleast 5 times. Finally, I was unable to move my feet at all but I was still feeling things as low as my mid-abdomen but he okay'd the Doctor's to start surgery... As soon as they touched me I said "I feel that... you're putting in my catheter, I can feel it!!!!" and they just kept trying to tell me it was okay... it was not. They started cutting... I felt it. I felt everything. I was screaming in absolute agony.... I have never felt pain so intense and so incredibly horrible and... wrong. I was scared, I was in pain, I didn't know how to express anything except in screams. My husband had a look of absolute panic on his face but I couldn't think about him, all I could think of was how much pain I was in. Finally the anastesiologist shot something into my IV and it brought me minimal relief. It may have knocked me out right away, I'm not sure... I can't remember. The next point I remember is them saying "Her head is out" and all I could do was grunt and fall back into my stupor. The next thing I remember is them pulling her out... and yeah, I could feel EVERYTHING once again. They pumped me full of the crap to put me in that horrible daze again. I was able to get out "she....okay?" I never heard the answer... but a few minutes later (or maybe longer, I have no concept of time from that day) my husband held her up to show her to me. I knew he was showing her to me but nothing registered. I never heard her first cries, I couldn't tell what color her hair was or if she even had any. I couldn't grasp anything about the way she looked. I remember asking my husband atleast twice more in the OR to show her to me but I don't remember actually seeing her. I asked again a couple times in the recovery room... still nothing. Then they took her to the nursery and did her tests and such... I started coming out of the haze and they pushed on my abdomen so hard I thought I would pass out. I smacked the nurses hand away several times... nothing had ever felt so painful in my life. Finally 3 hours later I got to go to my room and I kept asking when I would get to see her... no one understood that I had NO idea what my child looked like... I hadn't even got to see for myself that she was healthy.
Finally, and God bless them to this day.... the nursery nurses came to my door and said "This baby is starving, can we bring her in now, please????" The Doctors wanted me to wait even longer... I screamed "YES! Bring my baby to me!!!" and they did, despite what the doctors wanted. I finally got to see her... she was, in fact, healthy and beautiful and ready to nurse!
I know there are worse birth stories out there then mine, I know that some women don't even get to see anything of their birth... but that doesn't help the deep sadness I can't help but feel when I think of my daughter's birth. It hurts so much when someone asks me about it... I just have to gloss over it like it doesn't bother me. Thankfully one thing did work out that didn't before... I have the most beautiful nursing relationship with my daughter. I don't think I'll ever let her eat anything because I cherish it so very much!
And to top things off, last week I was looking through my digital camera pictures which my husband took in the OR and somehow, I still don't know how it happened, I erased them... that was the one thing I had of her birth... now I have nothing. I absolutely broke down when I realized what I had done. I tried talking to both my husband and my mother about it but neither one understood why it hurt me so much... "Well, you were there atleast you have those memories."... "No, I don't... I don't remember any of it."... "Well, you have her here with you and that's what matters." Of course that matters but I can never get that day back. It's one of the most important days of my life and I have nothing to remember it. Nothing! My heart hurts so bad and I don't know how to get over it... Just glossing over it is not working. As I started to answer someone's post today and started typing something about her birth and just broke down... I couldn't finish the post, I couldn't bring myself to do it. That's when I came here and forced myself to write this. I thought it would help.... it does but not as much as I hoped. Anyway, Thanks for letting me try to get it out...
And now it scares me to think about having another child. I want another one but what happens when my blood pressure soars again? What happens if I have to have another c-section? Can I face that again? Would it be better knowing that I won't remember anything? (Because they would have to knock me out completely) Or will I be even worse off not having ANYthing to remember? I just don't know... I don't know how to feel.
