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What should I do?

  • Just hang the darn thing up and stop being such a control freak about your house!

    Votes: 4 3.1%
  • No way, get rid of it! Your house, your call. And besides, it's bad feng-shui.

    Votes: 46 35.7%
  • Sorry, but it's up to ds. If he wants it up, it must go up and stay up

    Votes: 65 50.4%
  • Take the cowardly way out: Keep it, but only hang it when MIL is visiting

    Votes: 12 9.3%
  • Other

    Votes: 2 1.6%

MIL and Gifts I Hate -- UPDATE POST 41

3K views 47 replies 40 participants last post by  funkygranolamama 
#1 ·
Okay, help me make a decision. My MIL has a way with gifts... a passive-aggressive way, to be exact. She and I have different taste, and she consistently gives me gifts that are very much to her taste, and not at all to mine. When the gift is to me, I usually just say a polite thank you and then at some point let it slip into the donate pile. But here is my question: what do I do when she gives something ugly to my kids?

It's ds's birthday (he's turning 5), and she gave him a wall hanging, a *large* wall hanging, that I hate. This is not the first time, nor will it be the last, that she gives something to the kids that affects the way the house looks. When ds was little, it was a non-issue and I'd toss the stuff. But, now that ds is getting older, I'm not sure it's still within my right to toss it, KWIM?

In case it matters, I am into feng shui and *really* don't like the idea that every time I see this thing, it will irk me, and that it is disturbing the flow of a carefully thought-out space.

So... what's your verdict?

(Oh, and two other side-questions, if you have the time:

1. In this case, ds is totally indifferent, he could care less about wall hangings. Would your answer be different if ds actually liked it? Would your answer be different if he were older? How much older?

2. If you voted "Get rid of it!", then please advise me as to how you would handle it with MIL when she next visits -- keeping in mind that I am highly conflict-averse!)
 
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#2 ·
First off, do we have the same MIL???? LOL (I just posted a complaint about mine as well AND I can relate to the passive-aggressive gift thing).

I would get rid of it, but that's just me. Some people are not that "into" how their house is decorated, but I am, and I do know what you mean about feeling irked by seeing something ugly all the time.

My son is younger so it's hard to say what I would do if he liked it. I guess I would try to deal with it for a few months, and then get rid of it.

As far as what would you say to your MIL when she notices it's not there...well, personally, I am of the mindset of being honest and saying, "Oh, it really didn't go with how we're doing that room, so I gave it away."

Since you are conflict-adverse, you may want to store it and put it while she visits.

Good luck!!
 
#4 ·
Oh I get you. My DH's family has the worst taste!!!

My approach is to hang it for a short time then get rid of it in one of my every other month declutterings.

If it is truly AWFUL and DS does not care you could just put it in his closet until you get a chance to toss it.

I have also been know to hang ugly things in the garage (we have a wall with old framed art that we are no longer into and many ugly/weathered mobiles out there).
 
#5 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by lasciate View Post
It belongs to your ds. Ask him if he wants it up in his room (so you don't have to look at it all day), if yes then hang it, if no then pack it away.
I like her answer.
Um, your MIL seriously sounds like a troll.
: Wtf is her problem?
 
#6 ·
Just a different take...I was thinking about the example being set for your son. I guess about being thankful and grateful for any gift. Even when it's not your favorite taste or thing. (Unless it's offensive in some way) I want to teach my DD to appreciate what others give her and then hopefully learn how to be giving herself. (ie knowing someone well enough to get them something they would really like
)
 
#7 ·
My choice would be different if DS cared about it. Since he does not, I recommend that if you just will NOT face up to your MIL, go ahead and hang it before she visits, since it's DS's.

However.

I think it's of paramount importance that you face up to your MIL. Otherwise, in 2 years, you'll be 100% redecorating for her every visit. YKWIM?
 
#9 ·
This sounds like my MIL too
do you have a basement playroom that you could maybe hang it in (or an attic one?) where its kind of out of sight. I agree with a PP that said about setting an example on " I guess about being thankful and grateful for any gift. I want to teach my DD to appreciate what others give her and then hopefully learn how to be giving herself. (ie knowing someone well enough to get them something they would really like )"
 
#10 ·
I voted "other." I have had similar issues with gifts from family (with house stuff, clothes and toys). Here's what I do-

Keep it around. Right before the next time they visit, hang it/display it. Do not make a big point of showing it to them or anything. Just have it up/out. If you see the giver often (in your home), leave it up for the next 2 months. For less often seen folks, put it up/out for the next two visits. After that, I find people don't ask. I think they just "see" it as there in their heads, so they don't notice it being gone.

Nobody has ever asked me about anything being "missing" yet. If they ever do, my plan is to tell the truth, but very, very gently. I will just say something like "Well, you know... we really liked it when you gave it to us, but after it was up/out for a little while we just realized it wasn't really "us." I hope you're not upset."

I think, unless she's a really pain, she will understand.

That being said- if your ds really liked it, I'd say you should keep it.
 
#12 ·
I'd leave it up to DS. I mean, if he LOVES it, let him keep it. I'm sure I'll hate some of the stuff DS picks out, or people get him, but as long as he likes it, then hey. Maybe in a couple months he'll forget about it and you can toss it.

If he doesn't like it, or just doesn't care, toss it. If she asks, be honest and say that neither you or your son cared for it. And if she wants to help decorate, gift cards would be great since DS is getting to an age where he likes picking things out himself.
 
#13 ·
My mom does this
Usually if she hears me say I DON"T like something it will surely be my next birthday present.

Anyway, if it was given to your ds it is HIS and therefore it would be his choice if he wants it up. That said, you don't have to outright ASK him or REMIND him. With the horrible stuff my mom has given my ds I usually put it out of the way somewhere and if he asks for it I get it for him, but should he forget I forget too
If he really likes it he will want it, if he doesn't then no worries. Thankfully the velvet coloring poster of robots (including light up eyes) and the Cat in the Hat plastic watch (that didn't even work and was bought more than a year after the movie came out....not that we even watch movies) were quickly forgotten. Unfortunately it took a looooong time to outgrow the horrible homemade houndstooth dress shirt. That one just disappeared, because thoughtful or not it was just BAD.
 
#14 ·
I voted get rid of it, but I mean something more specific.

Since it's his, I'd store it for him if at all possible. If I didn't have the space I would tell my MIL: No more house decorations please. I have the house decorated a certain way and I don't want to change that, and I don't have the space to store your wonderful gifts for my son that I'm sure he will appreciate when he's older. :p And perhaps she can store it for you.
 
#16 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by MommytoTwo View Post
I would probably hang it somewhere temporary- like on a closet doorknob in the kids room to appease her and then after a while it would disappear.

If I kept all the crap that my MIL gave us we would be living in a landfill.
Us too! Only my MIL asks about everything that she gives us, and for years! Every December she calls to remind us to put up the advent calendar that she got us. This year, well, I didn't know how to tell her that dd threw it off the back porch and dh ran it over with his van.
:
I voted that it should be up to your son.
 
#17 ·
Thank you for the replies everyone; I knew there would be some wise thoughts and ideas! I'm especially loving the insight that once people see it up, they kind of stop noticing/looking for it. I think that's genius, and very true, and will use this knowledge to my benefit for years to come!


I also thought the idea of hanging it in the garage was brilliant. I would never have thought of that, but this might actually be another solution for many years to come.


And the gentle reminders that maybe we should teach our kids to appreciate the gifts we are given were thoughtful, and helpful in a different way. They helped me clarify something for myself: It's not actually what the gifts look like that really bother me, it's what's behind them that I resent so much. If ds had gotten the same exact thing from my mom, I'd hang it gladly. But with my MIL, UGH, she's always trying to control me with gifts, under the guise of being sweet, trying to make me more like her. And trust me, she can be REALLY pushy about it.

Best example: I had bought a new rug for my kitchen. She caught wind of it, and without even seeing the rug, went and bought me a new, uber-expensive one, as a "gift" -- surprise!! When she arrived, she literally was carrying it in her arms, walked right in, rolled my rug up and put hers down! I am not kidding!! Sometimes I spill a little spaghetti sauce on it on purpose.

Another example: I have known her for eight years. She is very, *very* skinny. I am not. EVERY SINGLE YEAR I have received a shirt or blouse that is several sizes too small. EVERY YEAR. And utterly not my style. EVERY YEAR I tell her it's too small and return it, and yet, the next year, there is another tiny shirt.
:

Yup, my MIL, she's a charm!
 
#18 ·
I voted to get rid of it.

I'm sorry to those who think we need to teach children to be grateful for every gift, but if you don't love it and your son doesn't care why clutter your house with it? Can you return it in exchange for a wall-hanging that your sone would really like and that wouldn't make you unhappy every time you saw it? If not, I'd say donate it to a charity or freecycle it.

Also, I don't think we need to teach our kids to be grateful for every gift they receive. Seriously. We need to teach them to be gracious, and say thank you and smile even if someone misses the mark, but we also need to teach them that their preferences do matter, that their home (or room) is their home and they (and any SO) get to decide how it is decorated.

Objects in our homes that we don't use, need or love are just clutter. They make us unhappy and steal our peace. (check out http://www.flylady.net/ for more on this! Flylady has helped me a LOT) I have spent my life burried under absolute JUNK (to my taste) because my passive-aggressive mom gave it to me. Well, no more. I want to be surrounded by things that make me happy, and that make my family happy.


good luck to you.
 
#19 ·
Quote:
We need to teach them to be gracious, and say thank you and smile
I agree. A nice thank you note, and then you are done. You/your child has shown appreciation. You are not obligated to keep/display/use every gift given to you. It is a gift - for you to do with as you please.
 
#20 ·
I think the problem with hanging it up is that MIL might think you like it and get more things like it. Like, my mom was given a hideous 2 ft tall nutcracker that she felt compelled to display year round out of politeness, naturally she was given several more over the years, whereas if she'd just gotten rid of the damn thing that would have been it, right? If your MIL asks where it is just thank her again for her thoughtfulness and say, in a regretful tone, that it was too big. Don't say you liked it but it was too big, just that it was too big. Then move the conversation along.
 
#21 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by sonrisaa29 View Post
I guess about being thankful and grateful for any gift. I want to teach my DD to appreciate what others give her and then hopefully learn how to be giving herself. (ie knowing someone well enough to get them something they would really like )"[/B]
I want to teach my DD to appreciate the kind thought and genuine intent behind the gift, but to understand that she doesn't have to have other people impose their tastes on her or put up with something she doesn't like. When we get gifts that aren't to our tastes, we regift them to people who would genuinely appreciate that gift.
 
#22 ·
I think the OP hit the nail right on the head when she was talking about the emotional control aspect of this kind of gift, at least in her circumstances. We have the same problem. My mil bought my five year old daughter a huge (I mean almost as tall as the five year old herself) fountain lamp for this year's Christmas present. Huge, hideous, plastic, covered in fish and flowing water. Before she even gave it to her she said that she knew it was the kind of present that we (dh and I) were not going to approve of. Then why would you buy it? Within two seconds my one year old son was trying to splash in the water right next to the electric cord for the lamp. Thankfully, she gave it to dd at her own house and said she would deliver it to us the following week. By this time we had called her and explained that there was no place for us to safely display something like this in our house and that we felt it would be best if it remained at her home for the children to enjoy when they visited.

I think this kind of thing goes a bit deeper than just a regular gift that you may not like. I think it is all about control. Here are some of my issues with what dd got from mil for Christmas:

1. I firmly believe that you do not buy a large present for a child without their parent's approval/input. I would not appreciate someone heading out and buying a big kitchen set or dollhouse for my kids either unless they had our input on what would work in our house, with our floorplan, space, and style. Therefore I certainly do not appreciate someone buying a room changing piece of furniture either. (For the record my mother has purchased big ticket items for the kids over the years, kitchen, puppet theatre, etc. and her protocol has always been that she first told me what she wanted to get them, then asked for recommendations, then showed me her choice before she bought them. This way she is not wasting her money or time.)

2. This fountain lamp was so large that it would have taken over dd's room, a room that she and I both worked pretty hard on and decorated to reflect her tastes and interests. This would have become the focal point of the whole room and it did not blend into the decor. I think this makes it less about "Oh, I saw this and thought of you" and much more about "I want to make your room and life all about me." This present said to me that she wants everyone who walks into dd's room, dd included, to immediately think of her and her position in dd's life. "Think of me! Look at how important I am! Look at how big I am in my grandchild's life!" It is less about giving a gift and more about getting to be the center of attention in my opinion and that is messed up. My children are not here to fill your emotional voids.

So anyway, that is my long and opinionated take on the present situation over here, which sounds eerily familar to the present situation over there. I think you should give it back and explain that you do not see a place for it in your home. Say that you appreciate the thought and that next time if she is thinking of buying something grand like that it might be a good idea to run it by you guys first to save her some time and money. Your son is 5. He will have forgotten about the hideous thing in a matter of days and should not be placed in a position of having to read between the lines of grownup emotional baggage and presents yet anyway. That is what parents are for. To shield you from nonsense you are too young to take on yourself.
 
#24 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Nicole77 View Post
So anyway, that is my long and opinionated take on the present situation over here, which sounds eerily familar to the present situation over there. I think you should give it back and explain that you do not see a place for it in your home. Say that you appreciate the thought and that next time if she is thinking of buying something grand like that it might be a good idea to run it by you guys first to save her some time and money. Your son is 5. He will have forgotten about the hideous thing in a matter of days and should not be placed in a position of having to read between the lines of grownup emotional baggage and presents yet anyway. That is what parents are for. To shield you from nonsense you are too young to take on yourself.


Can we get a standing ovation, please?
 
#25 ·
To teasdone, all I can say is having been through inlaw hell, I give you support in whatever decision you make. I see it as A PROCESS, which over the past 12 years has changed, in the beginning I was very very angry/resentful etc, lots went down, I was NOT perfect-at all!

although that still pops up, the feelings are not as intense...but I get where you are coming from. It's important to acknowledge and be where you are with things now, and hope for change and peace with it all in the future.

It will change.
 
#26 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by teasdone View Post
Best example: I had bought a new rug for my kitchen. She caught wind of it, and without even seeing the rug, went and bought me a new, uber-expensive one, as a "gift" -- surprise!! When she arrived, she literally was carrying it in her arms, walked right in, rolled my rug up and put hers down! I am not kidding!! Sometimes I spill a little spaghetti sauce on it on purpose.
This is seriously controlling. While I can relate to your not wanting to be confrontational. I vote for being just as passive aggressive as her. In the rug situation, I would have smiled sweetly, thanked her for the rug and then as soon as she left, rolled her rug up, sold it on craigslist and put my rug back and if she said something just say 'oh it was a sweet idea, but it didn't fit the decor' and maybe 'I sold the rug and bought these great curtains, don't you love them?'. Honestly, don't stand on that rug another minute! If you think she'd be pissed you sold it, then I'd keep it and give it back to her if she asks for it.

You don't have to confront her about this stuff to take a stand. If it was just a case of a clueless person who basically just doesn't get it (my mom is like that - she means well, and tries to get things I like, but she is somehow always off) - I would vote for put it up when she's around for a while, then lose it. But since its obviously a control issue, I would stand my ground. Otherwise, you are obviously going to have a house decorated in her taste before too long. You don't have to confront her, just don't put it up, put your old rug back ,etc and if she asks just say 'it was so sweet of you to give us, but we already had one or blah blah blah'. If she's passive aggressive she won't call you on it anyway. I just don't put up with crap like that.

I don't know how old your DS is, but I do agree that at a certain point it is his decision to make for things he is given. However, I think its better to model saying thank you, talking about how nice it was for MIL to think of him and how you really appreciate the gesture, but that doesn't mean we have to keep or display the item if we don't like it. I think its important to teach children to be mindful of others feelings, but also of their own. You can appreciate a gift for the spirit in which it was given and dislike it at the same time.
 
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