gentle discipline vs spoiling - Page 2

[Cygnet09]

I have been the same way - DD1 was never allowed to really cry as a baby, but then that translated into never crying as a toddler, too. Like Tanya, we both felt that she would be irreversibly harmed if we let her cry because she wanted something but we weren't giving it to her (for what was a valid reason on our part). But then I read Solters' Tears and Tantrums and started feeling differently. I am now OK with allowing her to cry out the bad feelings - she is so obviously relieved afterward - but DH has a really hard time with it. He and his siblings were left from almost Day 1 to cry alone in their cribs down the hall, so he has a lot of negative emotions associated with crying and not having needs met. Personally, I feel that it brings up all of his feelings of loss and abandonment and he will literally begin to cry himself. (This happened mostly when DD was 12 to 16 months or so; it doesn't happen as much anymore) So I do think that some people who have a hard time with babies crying have some pain themselves - as Piglet said about we as parents being uncomfortable with it.

That said, DD1 has never really had tantrums. She cries (and if she's with me I let her get it out), but we tend to see it coming and distract her, or sometimes tell her outright that she can't do "X". Then she will pout or cry a little bit and move on. I have also noticed on occasion that if she needs a good cry, she will do stuff that will make her cry - does that make sense? But because she doesn't tantrum much, I am wondering if she is getting a non-verbal message from us that it's not OK. It certainly wasn't OK for me to have bad, angry feelings and I do wonder if I'm passing that on.

[stirringleaf]

i just wanted to respond about the distraction thing....

i think the last few posts are in agreement with everyone else. this thread just got on a tangent about the possible *overuse* of distraction but not that distracting kids is bad. i personally am not down on it at all , i was just reacting to the idea that tantrums were "bad", or that a kid crying is a bad thing& i was second guessing myself about it. distraction is very AP . thats the whole thing though, i want to be AP and then i find some situations just arent really in the books! AP *can* get taken too stringently literal, and then life hapens and some people like me feel overly guilty when thier insitncts say to let thier sweet ds cry in some situations, but the "rules " of AP say "NEVER LET THEM CRY" .....i am like the queen of guilt, just give me a reason and i will feel guilty, no i take that back, no one has to give me a reason at all...i will find one myself ! but thats T


anyway i think as far as what kids tantrum vs what kids dont...yes we can/should take credit for alot of the wonderful healthy results of our APing and be proud, but then of course every kid is truly different. some kids just like to pitch a good fit. some kids never really do it. what i want to do is just nurture my kid for where he is at and not think if he has a tantrum it is nessecarily due to my horrible parenting skills, or neglecting him when he needs me. (unless it really is...) i do make mistakes but thats when i get to come here and talk to you guys about them! i think gentle discipline and AP do not create these identically perfect calm children who all express themselves the same way. AP and GD just give them the best possible chance for all thier human idiocyncracies, flaws, strengths, loudness, quietness, etc to coexist peacefully within them so they arent as neurotic as , say, *I* am , and they can function healthily in life.

[Momtwice]

"What attachment parenting is not" By Dr. William Sears


http://www.askdrsears.com/html/10/t130400.asp

Attachment parenting is not indulgent parenting....attachment parenting is responding appropriately to your baby's needs, which means knowing when to say "yes" and when to say "no."

Attachment parenting is a question of balance –not being indulgent or permissive, yet being attentive. As you and your baby grow together, you will develop the right balance between attentive, but not indulgent.

Attachment parenting is not rigid. On the contrary, it has options and is very flexible. Attachment mothers speak of a flow between themselves and their baby; a flow of thoughts and feelings that help a mother pull from her many options the right choice at the right time when confronted with the daily "what do I do now?" baby-care decisions. The connected pair mirror each other's feelings. The baby perceives himself by how the mother reflects his value. This insight is most noticeable in the mother's ability to get behind the eyes of her child and read her child's feelings during discipline decisions. One day our two-year-old, Lauren, impulsively grabbed a carton of milk out of the refrigerator and spilled it on the floor. As Lauren was about to disintegrate, Martha mellowed out the situation and preserved the fragile feelings of a sensitive child and prevented the angry feelings of inconvenienced parents. When I asked how she managed to handle things so calmly, she said, "I asked myself if I were Lauren, how would I want my mother to respond?"

PS I totally agree that a crying child brings up the emotional baggage of the detached and or violent way many of us and our partners may have been parented. SO VERY TRUE!!!!! How many of us have cried right along with our babies and found it very liberating? I know I have!