Hey Dads, how do you handle feeling "left out"?

[xochimama]

My dh has said that he feels "sad" and "left out" when our dd wants comfort and affection only from me.

He also has articulated that logically, he KNOWS it will not always be this way. Nonetheless, he often feels dissed and discouraged.

Can any other dads relate? And what would YOU most want to hear from your dw/dp when you are feeling that way?

[sithlord_kev]

i did

i felt unwanted when our daughter was born. my daughter for the longest time only wanted my wife. if i held her she cried. who knows what it was. when our son was born, he was happy with almost anyone. dont know what it is. i guess some kids like both parents and some dont.

[papapoochie]

Our son still prefers his mama. He likes me but LOVES her in his own words. I used to get a bit disturbed by this but now I understand it.

Just accept what is and have fun.

[Manena]

I would be dismayed if my children ran to me all the time for comfort. If my kids ran to me first for comfort all the time, I'd turn them around and insist they go to dad. Dad's are just as capable of comforting and taking care of children as moms.

[moonfirefaery]

It doesn't dismay me, because I know it's a phase, and my son will grow closer to his father as he ages. My son has a special bond with his father; he just prefers me for comfort, probably because he's still breastfed. My husband handles it by staying with us when we nurse, talking with us, finding time to play with him, changing him, feeding him his regular meals. I'm sure he feels out when Corbin wants me for comfort instead of him and when we're breastfeeding..but he makes up for it by being a dad in other ways. Corbin loves us both.

[Manena]

moonfirefaery, that's nice.

[Nodtveidt]

I know my daughter will always turn to mommy when she needs comfort...mommy's got the tetas. But she also comes to me from time to time for a big hug. It doesn't make me feel any less of a father when she only wants her mommy because I know that my main job is to protect them both from anyone who would want to do them harm, and I know that that's a job only I can do.

[moonfirefaery]

That's what I was trying to say, the reason my son comes for me to comfort is because I have the ta-tas, lol. That's what he likes to do for comfort. Daddies are good for hugs, but sometimes you just need the boobi!!

[somasoul]

Tell your husband that he should enjoy this time of not being pestered. While small children bother our wives and girlfriends with petty things like not being able to eat 27 cookies, having an ant on their leg, or not being able to find jump-rope/doll/GI Joe of choice, we can enjoy the peace and solitude of video games.

Or, in the words of manly men everywhere........"just deal with it."

[SirPentor]

I drink through it.

[debe]

I am not the dad but thought I would post our experience so far...
Our baby's attachment to me (she is 6 mnths) though normal is a bit of a problem because I have been unable to get any breaks because he could not comfort her, and he would feel those feelings of alienation, which would make it harder for him to try to comfort her- A vicious circle was in motion. A community health nurse suggested that he put her in the carrier and go for a walk - even if brief- 20 minutes- This little thing has been helping immensely so far and it has only been about three days...

[thirdeagle]

Two things to try...

One. Spend more time with her one on one if you can cajole her away from mom. I used to think that DD just wouldn't go to any other people but my mom is a sensible grandma and kept taking DD anyway even if she fussed a little and lo' the kid loves grandma. Grandpa followed suit. The kid loves grandpa. Nanny did the same.. and so did new nanny when old nanny went back to college.

Two. Things change quickly. Kids have phases. She may REALLY not be into giving up mama right now .. but the key is don't give up trying to interact with her. The very next developmental phase might shift the whole equation and you'll have missed it if you weren't continuing to give her opportunities to turn to you first. The worst thing to do is to be taking this personally and to turn away from interaction because you feel hurt. I can't help that it does make some people feel rejected, but if you allow yourself to act on it and distance yourself (not saying you are), you may perpetuate it.

[everettdaddy]

I don't handle it well at all IMO, I am a WAHD and so I just got back to work, let them (DSS, and DSD (The older ones)) come to me.

Whether that is right or wrong, I don't know.. but it is what it is.

[LeftinFlint]

Left Out

We have twin boys, and when those moments happen, I sleep through them.

Okay, humor aside, intellectually I know that reaction is normal, and I'm mostly okay with that. My issue comes up because I want to be useful (in addition to being wanted). So when my boys want DW, I feel like DW bears a much greater burden for raising our sons. DW has no problem with being the primary care-giver. So I close my eyes and try to catch up on my sleep.

[McMomma]

DH is an amazing father. I think some things we have done have helped foster ds's attachment to him. From his very first bath, bathing became daddy's job and special time for the two of them. Occasionally, I will bathe ds when daddy is not home and the diaper has exploded -- short of that, this is not something I do. Also, as soon as ds started on solids, daddy was the one to feed him. I exclusively breast fed so this was a new way for them to have time together. DS does NOT want his daddy in the middle of the night when he wants to nurse or in the day when he is hungry but otherwise we are interchangeable because his daddy holds him and cuddles him all the time. We cosleep and ds often scoots over to his daddy in the nighttime. I think it has to be intentional but it is very possible to encourage daddy attachment. Mommas need to give daddy and baby space, even if daddy does things a bit differently. Daddys need to jump in and try. Ask for help when struggling rather than passing baby back to Momma when something is difficult. Best wishes!

[Vancouver Mommy]

We've both felt that way in our house and we've both suffered hurt feelings to some extent. I'm the mama and the 9mo old definitely prefers me at the moment. However, since before ds was born, dd has wanted daddy more than mommy. He took over primary care of her just before baby was born and she, of course, came to expect that he would be the one to provide care and comfort. It got to the point where she didn't want me to brush her teeth or put her to bed - "No! Daddy do it!".

Now that the baby is 9 mo and dp is off work on parental leave, he has again taken over primary care of dd. I know that we need to work on this dynamic, but at the moment, it's just easier for me to care for ds and him to care for dd, especially when we're getting ready to leave the house or go to bed, etc. I want to be able to get the goodnight cuddles from dd and dp needs to find out how to meet ds's needs too. It's a bit sad, because when our first was born he got lots of chances to figure out his own ways to parent her, but with the second he hasn't had the same opportunity. But we'll continue to work on it.

[Breeder]

As the mother of a five year old I can tell you it is definitely a phase and one day daddy will be the star and mama chopped liver. DS was a mama's boy for awhile then when he was about 2 or 3 he would only accept things when daddy gave them to him. Thankfully it's been a long time since he played favorites...of course with #2 on the way who knows if he won't go back to preferring one of us over the other out of jealousy.

I'd suggest having special daddy time while mama is out of sight (like maybe taking a nap ) and doing something the LO really likes such as reading a favorite picture book, singing songs, tickle time. Dads can have bonds with their kids just as strong as mamas. My DH and DS are living proof of that.

(BTW: "we can enjoy the peace and solitude of video games.Or, in the words of manly men everywhere........"just deal with it." " - somasoul)

If you're playing video games all the time instead of trying to interact with your kids, contributing to the functioning of the household or being an equal partner in your marriage - like lightening the load for your DW when needed. You're the opposite of a manly man, you're a boyish boy.

[dad2manydh21]

Hello Everyone. New to the board here.

I have to tell you, that with 6 children, they all were the same way.

Only mom.

My first 2 I was very disturbed and thought my wife was trying to sabatoge me. Yes I know. Silly. But as they grew and and I grew, I kept my arms always open.

Now they go to both of us and I see that they share things with me as they only did with mom in the past. It's awesome. Guys, keep it up. It only gets better.

[ElBurro]

My baby loves me

When our child was born, my wife had some complications and I was entrusted with the baby care for the first few hours of her life. Then I was the one who fed her what her mother pumped. At three months, my daughter was finally able to breastfeed and I have been left out in the cold ever since. There have been a couple days when I've been home with the baby while my wife is out working and all Elisabeth does is fuss and cry. It's hard, but I've taken it upon myself to make a different kind of bond with the baby. It's at a point now (she's seven months) where she smiles and dances when I come home from work. She still wants her mom most of the time, but she is very happy to see daddy. I think its a matter of spending time with mom and baby and taking yourself out of your comfort zone to bond with the kid. I've changed a lot of clothes and diapers and have created fun games for the baby and I. Either way, it's been interesting.

[GaryD]

Things like this happen, but as long as you don't distance yourself they will eventually start coming to you for comfort also. It may be hard to handle when it happens, and I don't have any advice other than to remember it will pass if you keep being there for them.