Homebirth & Unsupportive family

[lilduds]

Hi everyone,

I'm trying to decide what to do about my situation. I'm 19 weeks pregnant and have been seeing an OB because I have some medical conditions that need to be monitored... but the OB has said I'm not high risk and if I want to see a midwife as well, there is no longer a worry about that.

So I have in interview with a midwife team on the 13th. I'm very excited that my medical condition is under control now and that I can have a homebirth! but here is the real problem. My mom is SUPER traditional and so is my sister. My sister will be coming to stay with me for the week before my EDD, and my mom wants to come when labor starts (they both live 9 hours away)....and I'm fine with that but neither of them have a CLUE on the safety of homebirth - or even midwives for that matter.

*Now I haven't told either of them yet that I'm considering a homebirth - since I still haven't had the appt. with the midwives yet. I have no problems going to our local hospital - other than having to be in a hospital. But they are actually pretty good about not interfering with labor unless you ask for it...

-In conversations with my sister about midwives - she seriously thinks that they are not allowed to deliver babies and they are no more than LD nurses.... she also thinks that if they did try to deliver your baby that you could die because you would bleed or something. When I told her I plan on having the cord pulse out before it's cut she totally freaked and said the baby will suffocate!

- So I did try talking to my mom about if I'm in the hospital - I'd want to leave ASAP after the baby is born - She got all upset and said that I shouldn't leave for at least 3 days! And that I BETTER get an IV or I could die of dehydration! - What Like I can't sip on water????

****SOOOOO, I'm contimplating what I can do - part of me wants to just not tell them and when I'm in labor than it will be to late and hopefully they won't argue with a laboring woman with midwives around -OR- telling them my plans and when they try to argue be very blunt and tell them that it's not up for discussion. Then give them all sorts of books and resources to read up on - and when they send me articles and call trying to tell me how dangerous it is to homebirth - to shred the mail and hang up on them....

ANY other ideas? I'm totally comfortable having a homebirth and so is DH and my OB even said it isn't a risk factor for me any longer... and he'll still monitor me till 32 weeks.... but my family! :

-Jodi

[kerikadi]

This situation can be difficult. I think the first thing you should do is reschedule your sisters trip. Having her there the week before your EDD will likely stress you out and you don't need it especially at that time. I would just let her know that you would rather have her there AFTER the baby and try to schedule it 3 or so weeks AFTER the baby is due so she also isn't there for the birth. I think calling your Mother is fine since she is 9 hours away but I wouldn't call her right at the beginning of labor. For your first baby you should expect labor to be around 18 hours give or take so you'll want to wait until you have been laboring for several hours.

If I were you I would just do the 'don't ask don't tell policy. I would not tell them of your homebirth plans. On a need to know basis they really don't need to know.

Good luck,
Keri

[momto l&a]

If people are coming to your birth who dont support your choices then IMO they better be un-invited.

Some things are best left un-discussed like homebirths and no vaccinating.

Enjoy your homebirth

We are haing our 4th hb come May :

[MommytoTwo]

I would not say anything till you make a decision. No reason to put yourself through that. Then, if they are going to be there, I would say "I am having a homebirth. here is some info if you are concerned. It is not open for debate." If tehy arent going to be there then I wouldnt tell them till after. Personally I am not telling anyone till after. I dont want negativity and I dont feel the need to defend my choices.

[KarenMT]

I would try and not have my sister there if I were you. That kind of bad energy can really stall a labor. I am going back-forth about a homebirth right now and in thinking who I would want at the labor it wouldn't be my older sister. I love her but she is definitely someone who views birth as a medical event. She would view it as a crazy decision and not be supportive. If we go with a homebirth I will not tell any of my family until the very end of my pregnancy. The same goes for DH's family. They are completely "medical" focused people- always dragging their kids in for abx and such and wouldn't even attempt to turn my nephew when he was a breech presentation.

[reillys_mom]

Regardless of whether they are there or not (and I agree that having a strong positive energy is important), since you have brought up the topic of homebirth I would suggest giving them some articles about the safety of hb and information on the precautions your mw will take. My family was hesitant more than unsupportive, but we did have friends who said I had to be in a hospital because didn't I know I'd need an episiostomy, etc. I would gentlely explain that there were alternative approaches to almost every concern they brought up, my mw has delivered 1000's of babies, and that we could get to the hosiptal if the need arose. For most people, they realized I'd put more thought into the birth than they ever had and at least they stopped questioning me.

I did not want anyone else beside dh and mw at my first birth, but still arranged for mil to meet our mw prior to the birth (my family lives across the country). It helped everyone to be more comfortable with our decision and they knew it was one that wasn't changing. Good luck and rely on dh to be on your team. Everyone else is nice, but not critical.

[ColetteInIllinois]

My first midwife told me to lie, yes lie, to everyone that my due date was 2-4 weeks later than it really was so people wouldn't be bugging me toward the end.

I wish I'd done it w/my first who went 2 weeks overdue. Ugh! The last three weeks my family called and badgered me and tried to convince to "just go to the hospital with a DOCTOR".

So I guess I'm in the camp of why open yourself up to all sorts of well intentioned but ignorant criticisms? It might sound nice to have family there, but can't they just come afterward? Once you're done with your home birth, you'll be able to smile and say how great it was rather than stressing yourself out over having to fend off their comments beforehand.

(BTW -- with my 2nd and 3rd, I wasn't sure of due date but told everyone the later end of my guess and told them I'd stop answering the phone toward the end, so don't bother calling me up all the time. Thank goodness for caller id!)

[sparklett]

Wow, you sound like me! Everyone is so freaked about about my HB decision, and nothing I do can convince them otherwise. So, after being sick to death of the questions and "what ifs....", I bluntly told everyone that it was MY CHOICE, and explained that their stress gives me stress, which is really bad for the baby. A few people backed off when I said this. I also gave everyone tons of information about midwifery and the safety of HB, but you would not begin to believe how deeply ingrained into our society hospitals have become. Everyone read the information I gave them, and STILL had the same stupid questions and bad vibes. So I finally decided to start a blog so that everyone could read all of my thoughts and feelings. That way, they would know what lead to my decision, why it is safe, etc.

For some weird reason, blogs seem to work. DH and I bought a house a few years back and everyone thought it was a bad idea- wrong neighborhood, too old, too expensive, needed to much work, etc. I've been keeping a blog about the house for the past year or so, and everyone is now completely onboard and really supportive.

I started the pregnancy blog a few weeks ago, and have been hearing less and less questions about homebirth, which is nice. I still haven't persuaded anyone that HB is a better idea than the hospital, but I'm working on it.

Something that helped me get over my anxiety about my family was the realization that this is MY baby, not theirs, and MY choice. Once I came to terms with this, nothing they said could alter my feelings.

When trying to figure out how to talk to my family about HB, this website ended up being very helpful: http://members.aceweb.com//paden/essays/homebirth.htm

Good luck to you!!

[~Megan~]

Educate them. Let them read the books you've read and talk to the midwives. If they are not 100% supportive do not have them there for the birth. Do NOT let them be there for your birth unless they are 100% supportive.

[Kylix]

I agree about not allowing unsupportive people into your birth.

Negativity and doubt can stall a labor and can make a laboring woman doubt herself.

I would absolutely NOT choose not to tell them and then invite them to the birth. Your laboring may very well turn into them trying to convince you to go to the hospital and that's not what you need to hear at that time.

Educate them and if they continue to be unsupportive, have them wait until after the baby is born to come visit.

Kylix

[ericswifey27]

Originally Posted by momto l&a

If people are coming to your birth who dont support your choices then IMO they better be un-invited.

Some things are best left un-discussed like homebirths and no vaccinating.

Enjoy your homebirth

We are haing our 4th hb come May :

Exactly.

My mother will not be welcome at my birth, since she refuses to learn anything about homebirth.

I don't need negativity, misinformation and fear surronding me during the birth of our baby. I already got that at the hospital with my first :

[SublimeBirthGirl]

I'd give them some information, because they just don't know any better. If they say, "You're crazy! What an awful idea!" you know not to invite them to the birth. If they're interested and open, great.

[pazerific]

Originally Posted by ~Megan~

Educate them. Let them read the books you've read and talk to the midwives. If they are not 100% supportive do not have them there for the birth. Do NOT let them be there for your birth unless they are 100% supportive.

: it really helped my parents to meet my mw. we planned for them to come with me to one of my prenatals, and they got to play 20 questions. once they heard that she had reasonable answers for all of their scenarios, and they saw her track record they were totally on board. but if they wouldn't have been on board, they wouldn't have been invited to the birth, plain and simple.

[laohaire]

Originally Posted by KarenMT

I would try and not have my sister there if I were you. That kind of bad energy can really stall a labor.

Yup, it happened to me, not exactly your situation - my mom was invited to my birth, and I was/am happy about that decision. But mom wanted to bring my dad along too - not to actually WITNESS the birth, but to be in the house. And I didn't put my foot down enough and though I expressed doubt and discomfort, she insisted she needed him to come for HER sake. Dad didn't want to come any more than I wanted him there.

Went into labor at 3am Saturday, and they came as soon as they could (they lived 5 hours away).

Sunday night, thank god, my dad was saying he had to go back home so he could go back to work on Monday.

So my body "waited it out" uncomfortably over the weekend while my dad was there, kicked into real labor about 3 hours after he left, and I had the baby Monday.

Worked out ok for me, but in some circumstances the delay could have other complications.

Uninvite your sister

[velcromom]

I've offered information about any concerns, and so far no one has asked for anything. I won't discuss with them until they've actually looked into it and I don't think any one of them are willing to do much of that. I'm not sure if that's good or bad, lol, but just in case they choose to stay ignorant and come up with a lot of fear and opposition right at the end, I'm being vague about the due date. I haven't told anyone a date, I just say, oh, somewhere around the end of July and imply that it could be even longer. My mw has my edd the 18th.