It is a mild July day - Winter's charming breath dances through the tree's and colours of Morning adorn the sky.I lay asleep - as elegantly as an enebriated polar bear... - in the arms of my gentle Matthew.
Without warning and with no manners, I am woken by the urgent desire to wee! Ungracefully - but very well practicd - I manouver my heavily pregnant body off the bed and waddle to the bathroom. I mummble good mornings to my inner baby and after pulling off a highly complex manouver to wipe myself down there, I head off back to bed. This last trimester has left me unable to fall asleep before 4 in the morning. Luckily Matthew works night shift at the local 24hr Internet cafe and my wakeful night-time hrs are accompanied by like-minded women from the exquisite world of Mothering... I have a sanctuary and a place where magic seems present all the time.
I glance over at the digital radio/clock on the corner of the room 7:16 I release an inner sigh and begin the task of trying to get comfortable. 7:32 My eyes close without prompting and I warmly anticipate returing to the realm of sleep. But my body is charged and on another mission... My bladder anounces it's time for another release session and it is relentless.
I cannot ignore this powerful erge and begin the process of getting out of bed and to the bathroom without falling asleep on the way. Nothing. Not a drop. Not a single drop. But the erge has subsided. I am cold, and highly tired. I walk heavily back to bed and lay down, but before I even get the chance to get comfortable, the erge returns with a vengance. It is so intense this time that I cant help but become wakeful. I make the trip back to the bathroom. This time I stay for a long, long time. For some reason the erge subsides when I am on the toilet and I decide to use this to my advantage. I finally decide its safe enough to return to the bedroom, the alarm clock silently screams 8:43 across the room. This time the erge doesn't return, but rather a wave of warm pain encircles my abdomen - just like the menstral cramping I used to get before the pregnancy. It leaves suddenly and it's visit was brief. I am going to meet my child today...today is the day!
A calmness wraps itself around me as I walk around the house, bathed in morning light. Every now and then I am visited by a stronger circle of pain that is a contraction. It starts like a gentle ripple, then expands to reach the zenith of its magnitude, then it wanes until it no longer can be felt. It looks like a circle.
At 9:13 I wake Matthew. "Matt... I am having contractions. I'm in Labour." He contorts his face at me, as though he were trying to get me in focus. "No, it must be those fake ones, you know?" I smile. "This is the real deal Matt. I have been timing them and they are 5-7 mins apart."
Together we continue timing the contractions. They become more and more intense with each one and soon I am unable to see one through without the physical support of Matthew. His stong yet gentle pressense brings a comfort to the pain, and to my whole being. I find it a lot easier to cope mentally than physically, this is the first time my body is doing this and I am braught to a place within myselfwhere I am put in the seat of witness. I am awed at my primal abiltiy to help bring a baby into this world.
Somehow we forget to phone our families. We are in a bubble, we are having a baby, and this is all we can focus on. We do however, remember to phone our midwife - Belinda. We walk slowly to the internet cafe where we can use the phone. The walk makes me feel alive and fresh. Something inside me grows with awe and everything becomes the product of beauty.
Belinda tells me in a heightened voice to call back when contractions are more regular and reminds us to phone for the birth pool. She sounds excited. We phone the birth pool people and make our way back home. By the time we reach the front door, I am having steady contractions at 4 minute intervals and they are intense! We have to phone Belinda! Matthew decides to ask a neighbour if he can phone from there and I find solace in talking to my baby while wondering around the house. I feel so awake and so vividly alive. My senses seem heightened and my mind is sharper than ever before. Yet what is happeneing inside of me is such a mystery to me! None of it is familiar and with this uncertainty, I am also highly nervous. Matthew's returned pressense brings me balance and a valiant sense of comfort!
My mind has divorced itself from the ebb and flow of a reality that is now outside of me. I am captured by the rythyms of my body and can only feel that which is inside of me. The birth pool people have arrived and they quietly busy themselves setting up. I retreat to the bathroom whereI discover that sitting on the toilet brings a heavenly releif from the physical pressures of labour! Belinda and her partner midwife - Ingrid - arrive and they greet me warmly. Belinda is shocked at how far dialated I am already and begins setting up. It is now about 2pm and I am 7cm.
The pain is so vivid and so enveloping that I am unable to resist giving it a voice! I maon loudly and this brings Belinda rushing in, "dont pushlove, you'e not fully dialated!" I reassure her that I am not pushing but rather trying to meet the pain to escort it out! She smiles and tells me the pool is almost ready. The pain is so close to unbearable and I find myself wanting to give up. It all seems so surreal and so urgent.
I am in the water... I am tired and 9cm dialated. This is heaven. My body feels so warm and so full. Matthew is behind me in the water and Belindais at my side. Ingrid is angelic and quiet in the background. Her pressence makes me feel safe.
The contractions still come with thrilling force but now I am in my element - water- and a sense of power creeps in to aid me. Between contractions I feel sleepy and close my eyes. There are no words to describe how comforting this is! Surrounded by intensity, this water brings a sense of peace and stillness that I so desparately need!
Belinds tells us that she can see the baby's head! I am so tired and this news brings a renewed sense of conviction with it! Its almost time! I am overwhelmed by a passinate desire to PUSH! There is no denying this force and without debate I push... I am in such agony and my body is being pressed to it's limits. The severity of my tiredness is increasing and I am slowly losing faith.
I turn to my circle of support for assurance.
Matthew's pressence tightens around me and I feel safe. Belinda a Ingrid both tell me that I am doing wonderfully and that they are both really proud of me. This is the strength I need to carry on. I am doing okay... no, wonerfully, and I am safe here.
The next contraction begins as the previous one fades and all I can do is push. The erge is undenyable!
"Good job! Keep breathing Shireen, you're doing great! Your baby's head is right here!"
It feels as though I am taking two steps forward and one step back! My baby's head slides up just a little after each contraction and this feelslike it could take forever!
As the water moves around me and my body is filled with pain, I make a promise: Only one more contraction! This baby is coming out if this is the last thing I do!
And with my next contraction and my erge to push, I summon all the strength and conviction I posess... "I am going to see my baby!" The burning is unbearable, yet I welcome the progress. I am at the brink of my threshold and all I can do is keep pushing. And then its gone, the pain, the burning and the erge to push. I am so tired, so tired. Then I realise that my baby's head has been born and within seconds her body wriggles out and she is on my bosom looking into my eyes...
The world stands still. There is just this moment. I am alive with love and all I can do is look deep into her eyes. Matthew, still behind me, brings his head closer and his breath echoes through my ears. We are a family now, forever connected. This moment lasts a lifetime! 4:05pm
******
That night we felt nothing but awe and wonderment! Our daughter - Amber Vera Maria McLeod - was here, and all we could do was stare at her andhold each other close. This is what heaven feels like!
Almost 3 years have passed and we are expecting our 2nd child. I am looking forward to meeting him/her and I am so grateful that I am not scaredof gining birth! I feel honoured and blessed to have had this experience and I can only hope that more women are moved to birth from a place withinthat brings awe, love and hope to life!
Without warning and with no manners, I am woken by the urgent desire to wee! Ungracefully - but very well practicd - I manouver my heavily pregnant body off the bed and waddle to the bathroom. I mummble good mornings to my inner baby and after pulling off a highly complex manouver to wipe myself down there, I head off back to bed. This last trimester has left me unable to fall asleep before 4 in the morning. Luckily Matthew works night shift at the local 24hr Internet cafe and my wakeful night-time hrs are accompanied by like-minded women from the exquisite world of Mothering... I have a sanctuary and a place where magic seems present all the time.
I glance over at the digital radio/clock on the corner of the room 7:16 I release an inner sigh and begin the task of trying to get comfortable. 7:32 My eyes close without prompting and I warmly anticipate returing to the realm of sleep. But my body is charged and on another mission... My bladder anounces it's time for another release session and it is relentless.
I cannot ignore this powerful erge and begin the process of getting out of bed and to the bathroom without falling asleep on the way. Nothing. Not a drop. Not a single drop. But the erge has subsided. I am cold, and highly tired. I walk heavily back to bed and lay down, but before I even get the chance to get comfortable, the erge returns with a vengance. It is so intense this time that I cant help but become wakeful. I make the trip back to the bathroom. This time I stay for a long, long time. For some reason the erge subsides when I am on the toilet and I decide to use this to my advantage. I finally decide its safe enough to return to the bedroom, the alarm clock silently screams 8:43 across the room. This time the erge doesn't return, but rather a wave of warm pain encircles my abdomen - just like the menstral cramping I used to get before the pregnancy. It leaves suddenly and it's visit was brief. I am going to meet my child today...today is the day!
A calmness wraps itself around me as I walk around the house, bathed in morning light. Every now and then I am visited by a stronger circle of pain that is a contraction. It starts like a gentle ripple, then expands to reach the zenith of its magnitude, then it wanes until it no longer can be felt. It looks like a circle.
At 9:13 I wake Matthew. "Matt... I am having contractions. I'm in Labour." He contorts his face at me, as though he were trying to get me in focus. "No, it must be those fake ones, you know?" I smile. "This is the real deal Matt. I have been timing them and they are 5-7 mins apart."
Together we continue timing the contractions. They become more and more intense with each one and soon I am unable to see one through without the physical support of Matthew. His stong yet gentle pressense brings a comfort to the pain, and to my whole being. I find it a lot easier to cope mentally than physically, this is the first time my body is doing this and I am braught to a place within myselfwhere I am put in the seat of witness. I am awed at my primal abiltiy to help bring a baby into this world.
Somehow we forget to phone our families. We are in a bubble, we are having a baby, and this is all we can focus on. We do however, remember to phone our midwife - Belinda. We walk slowly to the internet cafe where we can use the phone. The walk makes me feel alive and fresh. Something inside me grows with awe and everything becomes the product of beauty.
Belinda tells me in a heightened voice to call back when contractions are more regular and reminds us to phone for the birth pool. She sounds excited. We phone the birth pool people and make our way back home. By the time we reach the front door, I am having steady contractions at 4 minute intervals and they are intense! We have to phone Belinda! Matthew decides to ask a neighbour if he can phone from there and I find solace in talking to my baby while wondering around the house. I feel so awake and so vividly alive. My senses seem heightened and my mind is sharper than ever before. Yet what is happeneing inside of me is such a mystery to me! None of it is familiar and with this uncertainty, I am also highly nervous. Matthew's returned pressense brings me balance and a valiant sense of comfort!
My mind has divorced itself from the ebb and flow of a reality that is now outside of me. I am captured by the rythyms of my body and can only feel that which is inside of me. The birth pool people have arrived and they quietly busy themselves setting up. I retreat to the bathroom whereI discover that sitting on the toilet brings a heavenly releif from the physical pressures of labour! Belinda and her partner midwife - Ingrid - arrive and they greet me warmly. Belinda is shocked at how far dialated I am already and begins setting up. It is now about 2pm and I am 7cm.
The pain is so vivid and so enveloping that I am unable to resist giving it a voice! I maon loudly and this brings Belinda rushing in, "dont pushlove, you'e not fully dialated!" I reassure her that I am not pushing but rather trying to meet the pain to escort it out! She smiles and tells me the pool is almost ready. The pain is so close to unbearable and I find myself wanting to give up. It all seems so surreal and so urgent.
I am in the water... I am tired and 9cm dialated. This is heaven. My body feels so warm and so full. Matthew is behind me in the water and Belindais at my side. Ingrid is angelic and quiet in the background. Her pressence makes me feel safe.
The contractions still come with thrilling force but now I am in my element - water- and a sense of power creeps in to aid me. Between contractions I feel sleepy and close my eyes. There are no words to describe how comforting this is! Surrounded by intensity, this water brings a sense of peace and stillness that I so desparately need!
Belinds tells us that she can see the baby's head! I am so tired and this news brings a renewed sense of conviction with it! Its almost time! I am overwhelmed by a passinate desire to PUSH! There is no denying this force and without debate I push... I am in such agony and my body is being pressed to it's limits. The severity of my tiredness is increasing and I am slowly losing faith.
I turn to my circle of support for assurance.
Matthew's pressence tightens around me and I feel safe. Belinda a Ingrid both tell me that I am doing wonderfully and that they are both really proud of me. This is the strength I need to carry on. I am doing okay... no, wonerfully, and I am safe here.
The next contraction begins as the previous one fades and all I can do is push. The erge is undenyable!
"Good job! Keep breathing Shireen, you're doing great! Your baby's head is right here!"
It feels as though I am taking two steps forward and one step back! My baby's head slides up just a little after each contraction and this feelslike it could take forever!
As the water moves around me and my body is filled with pain, I make a promise: Only one more contraction! This baby is coming out if this is the last thing I do!
And with my next contraction and my erge to push, I summon all the strength and conviction I posess... "I am going to see my baby!" The burning is unbearable, yet I welcome the progress. I am at the brink of my threshold and all I can do is keep pushing. And then its gone, the pain, the burning and the erge to push. I am so tired, so tired. Then I realise that my baby's head has been born and within seconds her body wriggles out and she is on my bosom looking into my eyes...
The world stands still. There is just this moment. I am alive with love and all I can do is look deep into her eyes. Matthew, still behind me, brings his head closer and his breath echoes through my ears. We are a family now, forever connected. This moment lasts a lifetime! 4:05pm
******
That night we felt nothing but awe and wonderment! Our daughter - Amber Vera Maria McLeod - was here, and all we could do was stare at her andhold each other close. This is what heaven feels like!
Almost 3 years have passed and we are expecting our 2nd child. I am looking forward to meeting him/her and I am so grateful that I am not scaredof gining birth! I feel honoured and blessed to have had this experience and I can only hope that more women are moved to birth from a place withinthat brings awe, love and hope to life!
