I feel Shallow, Selfish, Inconsiderate etc...

[Tummy]

One year ago today was my EDD with Grail. I am not sad though, today is just another day, the day he passed is the special remembrance day for me.

Today I have realized...

I am grieving because of my Xs wifes healthy pregnancy.
I do not want to see her, I do not want to talk to her. I do not want to know anything about her pregnancy at all.

Before you read on, understand I am not upset because she is pregnant and I am not.. this is all about my X!!!

I love this man, I have loved this man from DAY ONE, the word GO! He is in my heart, my mind, my soul. He is the one man I can say is the "One I Cannot Live Without"!!!!

His wife became pregnant a year ago same dates as this pregnancy. She had a m/c just weeks after the EDD of Grail. I was not this upset with her first pregnancy. In fact I have a thread on here about her m/c and how much it hurt me knowing exactly what she was going through.

She too is human, she too is a woman, she too deserves the best, she too deserves to become a mother, and not just to my daughter.

I am happy for her thus far healthy pregnancy. I am happy she is finally going to have a baby. I am happy for her!

My heart hurts sooooooooo freaking badly! It just kills me to know she is pregnant again with his baby! My feels are hard core. I want to be happy inside myself for her pregnancy. I can say I am happy for her all I want, it is just my brain putting the words to my mouth, kwim?

But, the pain is still there. I do not want him to have a baby with her. He is not suppose to be with her, he is suppose to be with me... erhrhrh!

How shallow of me! How rude of me as a woman to feel this way towards another woman! How dare me feel hurt cause 'they' are having a baby. How dare me be selfish and want to have his babies and no one else. How inconsiderate of me to have these feelings!

I am not sure how this all is going to sound to you reading it. I just really needed to get this all out, and I think it is best fit here in this forum. I do feel that I am grieving and I have had a serious loss. I wish to not feel this way, Oh how badly I do not want to feel this way!

Thanks for reading.

Blessed Be!

[Bitter Green]

[oliversmum2000]

you are going through so much heart ache right now, i am sorry, i cannot imagine how hard it must be for you to feel like you are losing another part of him.

you are entitled to your feelings - all of them, they are real and they are valid

[Tummy]

Just read my post, think I should add...

Good reason I did not feel this way with the last pregnancy is because he and I were not on 1/1 talking terms. We since have become close again, talking much more (as I have done with my first husband and his wife). We have seen one another on a more personal level many times over the past year.

These are not feelings that have *just* appeared. They have just re manifested themselves over the past year. My feelings for him have always been there, but it is super easy to push them away when you have another man in your life, major crisis happening, giving birth to your husbands baby...

OH thats one of the things he keeps throwing at me when I tell him that it upsets me and how I dont want to see her.
He tells me "You got pregnant by *C* twice and have a baby with him."


Anyway, point is... there is history between he and I... there is present between he and I.. there is future between he and I.
Not just idol feelings of love towards him.

Tried to go somewhere with the words, WITH OUT actually going there.

[Tummy]

Originally Posted by oliversmum2000

i cannot imagine how hard it must be for you to feel like you are losing another part of him.

That is exactly what it is.. I cannot get the words together here.

[nolonger]

s

Please don't beat yourself up over how you are feeling. I felt the same way when Phoebe's father's new wife became pregnant, even though I had already had three live births of children with different fathers.

[AntoninBeGonin]

[STBSM]

HUGS to you, in the begining I felt the same way, but his uglyness made it easy to get over! Hang in there Mama, what is meant to be will be.