Am I being unreasonable?

[didkisa]

A bit of history…I am in Oklahoma to give birth because of extenuating circumstances back home (in Maryland). I haven’t seen my husband, who is still in Maryland, since January. The plan was for him to join me two weeks before my due date to ensure he would be here in time for the birth. Meanwhile, he has been working hard to get us moved out of our old house (no way was I going back to that house with our horrible neighbor!).

I’ve been stressing out worrying that he won’t get us moved to the new house in time, or I’ll go into premature labor/delivery, or something out of our control will keep him from getting here in time for the birth (he’s driving down…about a 3-day trip). I remind him of these concerns every time we talk.

Well, tonight he informs me that instead of heading down on the 12th, which is what we had discussed and decided, he was going to go into work part time for “a few days that week” before heading down. Uh, WTF?? So not only would that be less than 2 weeks, but would leave absolutely no cushion for problems that might arise! AND…it’s just going to cause me more stress and worry! When I showed my “annoyance” at this new plan, he said, “You just don’t seem to understand how busy it is at work! I don’t want to hose them when I leave!” I said, “Well, you either hose them or you hose me. You know, they aren’t going to be half as loyal to you as you are to them!” I also reminded him that he had MONTHS to “transition” things to them and prepare them for his absence!! There was soooo much more I wanted to say and didn’t…I just kept saying, “Whatever…” because if I had let loose it would’ve been quite ugly.

He didn’t want the conversation to end on a bad note and said he’d try to leave earlier, but the damage is already done, in my opinion. What it tells me is that he’s more concerned about his damn job than his family and that he thinks I’m being unreasonable for not wanting to share him equally with his job. Part of me does wish I have the baby before he gets here, but I know if that happens, I’ll never be able to forgive him for not being here. I’m quite hurt that he would allow his job to take precedence. I never thought he’d be the kind of person to do that.

He’s not a jerk, but he too easily dismisses my anxiety and feelings…especially at this sensitive time. I feel he should be my strongest support and be there for me, but I don’t feel he has been. So…am I being unreasonable? Is it just the pregnancy hormones kicking into overdrive?

[Nani]

Ok, what's his work address? I think we need to send some MDC mamas there to talk sense into him!!!

Oh, I'd be soooo furious!
Woman, you need all the support you can get! Especially from him! He needs to wake up and smell the...hmm... maybe your justified need? I can't even believe that he is gone for so long! And planning a move so close to your due date?
Oj weh!

So, what's his work address??

[Mummytwice]

I would be a put out myself. I do not think you are being unreasonable at all... while men think/compute pregnancy and birth differently than women ( that may a bit of an under-statement) they can also tend to the oblivious.

Blow him a big raspberry for me!

[MrsTC]

Nope! Not being unreasonable...but you understand the company of people you're asking .

Men/partners don't seem to understand the NEED we have to have them around especially toward the end. Gotta tell them, in no uncertain terms. Ask him how he'd feel about taking those extra few days in 10 years' time...10 weeks' time...10 days' time. Could be pretty bad if he misses the birth, any way you look at it.

[Yo Becca]

If it were me (which it's not, just telling you what I would do), I would not engage in an argument about this - you don't want to say something you don't mean, and it's hard to use good judgement when you are as overwhelmed with hormones as you are right now. I would just make demands - well, maybe that's a bit harsh, but I would tell him what you expect him to do and why, and include a bit of compromise.

I would call him and say "I'm freaking out, I need you here, I feel like you are prioritizing work over the birth of our first child. I understand that you want/need to work a few extra days. So, you should stay (X) number of days past when we said (something between what you want and what he wants, preferably on the side of what you want) and then get your butt in the car and come. If you feel like you need to work more than that, then you have weekends and evenings between now and then. But that time before the baby comes is important to me and to us as a family and I need you to support that." Also, when I'm feeling like talking about the situaiton is just going to lead to argument or not resolve the problem or I'll end up losing my cool, I write it out and send DH and email - then I have time to edit myself and make sure that I'm saying what I want to say and saying it the way I want to and not being petty. Good luck!

[PiePie]

not your DDC but

I just had to chime in here. I am grounding my DH for the 3 weeks before my due date. This means that he has to miss the most important conference of his life. Whatever, say I. So, BTDT sympathy, but also

[Sunshinesmiles22]

I completely understand where you're coming from. But, as I have a husband who likes to please people, I think I know where he is also. Mine sometimes forgets that I'm more important than the dozens of other people in his life who don't CARE if he's a sweetheart to them. They don't appreciate it.

So, what I do is sometimes just TELL him what I need. I try not to be vague, because it sometimes doesn't get across. I just say=== here is what I need, it's not negotiable. I'll definitely explain why, but more as an afterthought. He and I see more eye to eye since I've started doing this. Plus, on the upside, he does see my point of view on these things that are so important.

[didkisa]

Thanks for your responses...Nani, I've seriously considered e-mailing his boss and letting him have it! Moriah, I have learned I have to be very specific and direct with my DH regarding my needs and expectations as well because he can be quite dense sometimes. It still doesn't work too well (ie: my baby "dropped" around 33 weeks and my MW said I could go into labor early because he/she is so low. I told DH my concerns about him not being here if I go into labor early and he basically has dismissed these anxieties). Hmmm...I just noticed your DH's name is Mike, too...maybe that has something to do with it?

Becca, I finally worked up the courage to draft an e-mail this morning, along the lines of what you suggested, but now I don't know if I have the courage to send it. I specifically avoided addressing anything specific from our prior conversation (I still don't want to "engage" and escalate that discussion). A big part of me just wants to forgive and forget (like I always do), but I know if I do that and move on it will still always be hovering over my head and rear it's ugly head everytime he disappoints me in the future--and I *know* that's pretty much a guarantee. He'd rather do his own thing, then play "Mr. Fix-It" after-the-fact and believe it's all good again...instead of doing the right thing in the first place!

Over the last couple days he has been playing "Mr. Fix-It" and has so far been able to change his leave date closer to what we had discussed and decided on before. So, yes, he's trying to make it better...but at the same time, why did it have to take me getting so upset and hurt for him to do the right thing? Why did it have to come to this? Ugh! I'd just sooo rather focus on the upcoming miracle of the birth of our baby! But this "green monster" isn't going to go away, is it?

[Nani]

yes, green monsters don't go away just by ignoring them. be very specific with your dh. i've been married almost 9 years... and communication is THE KEY! you also might consider marriage counseling to figure out what dynamics have entered your relationship.

[deuxceleste]

Oh PLEASE don't email his boss...