or Connect
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Mom › Parenting › Is it really so awful I told my DS he could grow up to be a mommy?
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:

Is it really so awful I told my DS he could grow up to be a mommy? - Page 5

post #81 of 108
Quote:
Originally Posted by lifescholar View Post
Ok, here is the problem I have with this whole discussion.

A lot of people are saying that it's not a lie to tell a boy that he can become a Mommy, because men can take on traditionally female roles. Men can "mother", and women can "father", right??

But why, pray tell, can't a "Daddy" be the exact SAME type of parent as a "Mommy"?!?!?

To me, it's very contradictory. You are saying that boys can grow up to be anything they want, including a "mommy", but that if they become a "daddy", they won't be able to do the same things as a "mommy"! I'm sure many SAHD's would strongly disagree!

I'm not going to tell my son that he can't be ANYTHING, but I also plan to let him know that Daddies and Mommies aren't so different! Heck, Daddies can even breastfeed!!
A daddy can be the same type of parent as a mommy, but he could also grow up and decide he is a woman and has kids and would be a mommy, for one example.
post #82 of 108
Oh for crying out loud! Your mom needs to build a bridge and get over it! I personally think there was absolutely nothing wrong with what you said. Of course, one year I taught a class of three year olds in preschool. Coincidentally, that year all the kiddos were boys. : It was fun. So we were all sitting at snack, eating our goldfish and what not, when Stuart said, "I'm going to be a dentist when I grow up, just like my daddy." Michael said, "I'm going to be a firefighter when I grow up." Alex said, "When *I* grow up, I'm going to be Spiderman." Stuart countered, "Well, Im going to be Spiderman and a dentist." Stephen said, "Well, when I grow up, I'm going to be a dinosaur." Michael got all indignant and was like, "You can't be a dinosaur when you grow up!" And Stephen was like, "Yes, I can! I'm going to be a tyrannosaurous rex!" And then Cole said, "Well, I'm going to be a Mommy when I grow up." Michael was like, "You can't be a mommy when you grow up! You're a boy!" And Cole started to tear up and was like, "Yes, I can! Tell him, Miss Jessica! Tell him I can be a mommy when I grow up! Im a boy now but I'll be a girl when I grow up." So here I am, the preschool teacher whose dd's godmother was named Steve in college, trying to broker the discussion....."Well, usually boys grow up to be daddies and girls grow up to be mommies. But sometimes boys decide that they want to be mommies and girls decide to be daddies. But not usually. Usually we stay people too, not dinosaurs. But it can be fun to pretend, can't it?" And then Michael said, "Look, my cracker looks like a pleisaurous!"
post #83 of 108
I love three year olds
post #84 of 108
The kid is three! I guess I don't see the big deal of just agreeing with him.
post #85 of 108
Quote:
Originally Posted by Qestia View Post
Well, I think I'm with the OP, not because of concern about gender issues -- but just because sheesh, he's 3, he'll figure out what he can and can't do soon enough, why not just say sure? Why does a 3 year old need to have these limits placed on him, if he said he wanted to live on the moon when he was grown up would you launch into a big lecture about how it's highly unlikely? No.
Good answer.
post #86 of 108
at that age, children believe that they can be anything that they want to. what an amazing way to see the world, as endless, boundless possibilities. if only we could keep that child-like optimism, that absolutely anything is possible. what a gift! your mother is completely out of line for squashing that incredible open-mindedness that your young son possesses.

i agree with other posters that have stated that it seems your son is expressing that he is identifying with the mommy ROLE, especially in light of your family situation in which your dh is away a lot. he perceives mommy-ness as a loving, steadfast, constant presence, and in his 3 year old grasp of language and emotion, that is the best way that he can convey not only how much you mean to him, but how HE wants to be. i think that is a compliment of the highest order and one of the sweetest most beautiful things i've ever heard of.

your mom is a buzzkill. besides, if she's getting hung up on the whole 'lie' aspect of it, then you can just tell her flat out that you don't want her to contribute to any santa claus/tooth fairy/easter bunny perpetuation...those are LIES, too but are somehow acceptable?:

i'm sorry that it's sounding like you may not be able to trust your mother to maintain appropriate and necessary boundaries. this whole situation is a red flag to me, and it appears that you know that you've been duly warned by her behavior pertaining to this matter that she will not honor you as the mother of her grandson. how was.
post #87 of 108
Quote:
Originally Posted by kidspiration View Post
i agree with other posters that have stated that it seems your son is expressing that he is identifying with the mommy ROLE, especially in light of your family situation in which your dh is away a lot. he perceives mommy-ness as a loving, steadfast, constant presence, and in his 3 year old grasp of language and emotion, that is the best way that he can convey not only how much you mean to him, but how HE wants to be. i think that is a compliment of the highest order and one of the sweetest most beautiful things i've ever heard of.

your mom is a buzzkill.
This pretty much sums up my take on it, too. (on both points ) Yes, it's true that he can't, without a lot of surgery and some feats of magic, become a "mommy", but heck there are plenty of "mommys" on this board who didn't give birth, so maybe even that's a stretch.
In the end, I have to agree with the pp's who have said "COME ON, he's three"! I don't see anything productive in squashing his dreams just because of biology. He'll get it later, let him be three.

You could start letting him know that "daddies" can be loving and cuddly and otherwise "mommy-ish". He doesn't have to adhere to the parenting role stereotypes. Other than that, I'd take it as a compliment and not worry about how your mom reacted.
post #88 of 108
Quote:
Originally Posted by kidspiration View Post
at that age, children believe that they can be anything that they want to. what an amazing way to see the world, as endless, boundless possibilities. if only we could keep that child-like optimism, that absolutely anything is possible. what a gift! your mother is completely out of line for squashing that incredible open-mindedness that your young son possesses.

i agree with other posters that have stated that it seems your son is expressing that he is identifying with the mommy ROLE, especially in light of your family situation in which your dh is away a lot. he perceives mommy-ness as a loving, steadfast, constant presence, and in his 3 year old grasp of language and emotion, that is the best way that he can convey not only how much you mean to him, but how HE wants to be. i think that is a compliment of the highest order and one of the sweetest most beautiful things i've ever heard of.

your mom is a buzzkill. besides, if she's getting hung up on the whole 'lie' aspect of it, then you can just tell her flat out that you don't want her to contribute to any santa claus/tooth fairy/easter bunny perpetuation...those are LIES, too but are somehow acceptable?:

i'm sorry that it's sounding like you may not be able to trust your mother to maintain appropriate and necessary boundaries. this whole situation is a red flag to me, and it appears that you know that you've been duly warned by her behavior pertaining to this matter that she will not honor you as the mother of her grandson. how was.
Very very good point! Actually, IMO, I think Santa/Toothfairy, etc, are MORE of a lie than telling him he can be a mommy when he grows up. Because he actually CAN be a mommy when he grows up, if he still wants to.

3 year olds are cute imaginative little things. I really don't see why this was such a big deal!

And woobysma, I disagree that a man has to have surgery to be considered female. You may have met a woman before who had a penis and didn't even know it. I'm sure it's rare, but there ARE men out there who dress and act like women WITHOUT surgery!
post #89 of 108
Quote:
Originally Posted by wendy1221 View Post
And woobysma, I disagree that a man has to have surgery to be considered female. You may have met a woman before who had a penis and didn't even know it. I'm sure it's rare, but there ARE men out there who dress and act like women WITHOUT surgery!
I have met a few men who lived as women with and without surgery, yes. We could start a whole new thread on this, but the fact is that a male human can never become a female human. Following your heart and living as a certain gender does not give a male child the ability to grow up and give birth. That was my only point.
post #90 of 108
I am mommy to two children. I only carried one. You can be a mommy without birthing.
post #91 of 108
I haven't read the other posts.

I would have just said that he can be a DADDY and hold his babies all day long if he wants to, as he is probably scared that being a Daddy = being away, it doesn't need to be that way, and I would have assured him of THAT. Daddy's can be nurturing and hands-on and loving, etc.... I'm not saying that your husband isn't those things, but he sees what he sees as a three yearold.

He actually can't be a mommy as he knows a mommy to be, so I would never say that to a boy, but, that doesn't mean that you can't be gentle and understand what it's like to be three years old. I think your Mom might have went a little overboard by calling it a "lie" - but I also don't equate it to Santa.... Santa isn't part of the development of the self, whereas Mommies and Daddies is.

I don't think telling him that he can be a Daddy but not a Mommy is putting your child into a gendered box, it's reality.... and that's okay. You can make sure that reality isn't harsh and scary without talking nonsense.
post #92 of 108
OMG it is not nonsense. It is reality that a boy can grow up and be a mommy. Several posters on this thread know mommies that used to be little boys !
post #93 of 108
Quote:
Originally Posted by Trinitty View Post
I haven't read the other posts.

I would have just said that he can be a DADDY and hold his babies all day long if he wants to, as he is probably scared that being a Daddy = being away, it doesn't need to be that way, and I would have assured him of THAT. Daddy's can be nurturing and hands-on and loving, etc.... I'm not saying that your husband isn't those things, but he sees what he sees as a three yearold.

He actually can't be a mommy as he knows a mommy to be, so I would never say that to a boy, but, that doesn't mean that you can't be gentle and understand what it's like to be three years old. I think your Mom might have went a little overboard by calling it a "lie" - but I also don't equate it to Santa.... Santa isn't part of the development of the self, whereas Mommies and Daddies is.

I don't think telling him that he can be a Daddy but not a Mommy is putting your child into a gendered box, it's reality.... and that's okay. You can make sure that reality isn't harsh and scary without talking nonsense.
There are several problems with this logic. First, the OP's little boy said that he wants to be a Mommy not because he wants to give birth but because he knows mommies to be nurturing, soft, caring and around. In his viewpoint, daddies are missing for a good chunk of time. -Assuming that he misses Daddy, it is reasonable to think that he doesn't want to be a Daddy because he doesn't want his kids to miss him. The OP can't just say "daddies can be around all the time too and you must be a daddy, not a mommy" and expect the 3 year old to say, "I understand mother, you are obviously correct". Little kids are very literal and need concrete examples. Telling a child of that age won't be helpful, the child needs to be shown an example of a daddy who stays at home. Especially when it is something that is troubling. In general, I don't have a problem with just explaining something to kids but it seems that this little one is trying to work out some feelings and he should be allowed to do it.

My other issue, others have pointed out, is mommies do not have to give birth to be a mom. And last, it seems like the people who are saying, of course he can't be a mommy are doing so because they feel uncomfortable with a boy being called a mommy. This is because of gender roles. Maybe mommy should be redefined to be primary caregiver. Then the little boy could grow up to be a mommy and everyone is happy.
post #94 of 108
Are references to gender not allowed on MDC?? Is the title of the magazine this site is based on offensive because it is gender-specific?? Is it really "out there" for me to say that men are daddies and women are mommies?? I think not.

Sure, people who are born male or female can grow up to choose gender re-assignment. It happens. But that is so very rare that I can't really see the point of even factoring that into a discussion with a three year old little boy who obviously is close to his Mommy and might equate Daddy with "not being at home" or "not being there."

Thus, I said the OP could assure him that Daddies can be very close and nuturing and home and great and wonderful. I hope that fathering can be seen as just as nuturing and important as mothering.

Megan - I just saw your point of him being three and needing an example, very good point. Perhaps the OP has a friend who is a Dad and stays home? Maybe she could crash a playdate for stay at home Dads to show her son a real example? It sounds like it could be delicate though, one wouldn't want to make the boy feel worse that his Dad isn't around a lot, and one wouldn't want to make the Dad AND Mom feel worse about it.... but an example could help.

It's not crushing a three year old boy's imagination to tell him that he can be a wonderful Daddy.
post #95 of 108
No, I think it's "out there" to insist that a three year-old should be corrected when he says he wants to grow up and be a mommy, for various reasons that (to him) have really very little to do with gender in the physical sense.
post #96 of 108
Again, no one is saying fathers can't be as nurturing as mothers.

So what if being transgendered is rare? It happens. There is nothing wrong with having a discussion about it, even with a 3 year old. Hell, it is more common than becoming president, but I don't think anyone here would ever tell their kid they couldn't be president because it is so rare.
post #97 of 108
So, "correcting" a three year old by saying that he could be a Daddy but not a Mommy is pointless and potentially confusing..... but explaining transgenderedness to a three year old is age-appropriate and would be understood?

I disagree.

Again, I don't think it's the end of the world to just let it slide with a little boy saying he wants to be a Mommy by not saying anything at all, but out-right *telling* him that he could be a Mommy is (except in the most extreme situations) incorrect and I think that could be confusing, and that's why I said what I would have done in in this situation.

Little kids are learning the basics when they are that age, and it's okay to be gentle and straight forward. It really sounds to me like he misses his Dad being around and needs to see that men and fathers can be primary care givers.


Edited to add: Yes, there is a difference between someone who is transgendered and someone who is President of the United States.

Someone who is transgendered just IS. You can't strive for it or try for it, you just are or you aren't and you would find out eventually, but it would be inevitable and still very rare.

Technically, EVERY American-born citizen has the CHANCE to become President by striving for it. Rare, yes, but it is something that can be attained, thus, it usually enters the "what I want to be when I grow up" discussions.
post #98 of 108
You did nothing wrong, I think you provided a wonderful, loving and kind answer, just the kind of answer I would want my sons to give when they are grown up.

My four year old says all the time, "When I grow up and I'm a Mommy..." then sometimes he'll say, "When I grow up and I'm a Daddy...". He really has no understanding of gender roles - he even "nurses" his dolls even though he does seem to understand that Daddy doesn't have "real" nursies.

I don't correct him when he talks about growing up and being a Mommy and I would be angry if someone did. Your mother is totally out of line.
post #99 of 108
Quote:
Originally Posted by Trinitty View Post
So, "correcting" a three year old by saying that he could be a Daddy but not a Mommy is pointless and potentially confusing..... but explaining transgenderedness to a three year old is age-appropriate and would be understood?
Well considering my trhee year old understands transgenderedness at her level, yeah I do think it can be appropriate and understood.

Telling a child that he can be a daddy, but not a mommy is simply a lie, and not one I am willing to tell my child.
post #100 of 108
While you are at it, explain quantum mechanics to him. You wouldn't want him to be not aware of the complexity of the universe. You might scar him.
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:
  Return Home
  Back to Forum: Parenting
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Mom › Parenting › Is it really so awful I told my DS he could grow up to be a mommy?