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Issues! Changing living arrangements... - Page 2

post #21 of 35
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by offwing View Post
I see this as a marital issue, not a step parenting issue.

It's sometimes easier to focus on kids doing things instead of dealing with husbands, but I don't think this issue will ever really be solved until you and your husband discuss his involvement in the family, especially as you are bringing additional children into the mix.

Having children is both a joy and responsibility. It sounds like your husband needs to rethink his outside obligations so he can parent the children he has helped bring into this world.

nak (baby was born thursady!)
It is a marital issue, as we disagree, but also a parenting issue as DH wants to make sure dss & dsd get lots while they are with us (read- alleviate his guilt for not being there for them daily) but doesn't/can't assume the responsibility for making that happen.

i think i really need to remind him of how we treat the kids in our home- and make that our baseline.

i wish he would rethink his outside obligations/choices but that i believe needs to come from his desires not mine. guilting or forcing him into a change would not be very productive IMO for us as a couple.
post #22 of 35
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by thismama View Post
Fair enough. IMO tho paid employment *is* a way of helping parent, if the income is used to support the family.
nak
yes, as i sah with the kids this is true for us. and i have willingly assumed most of th hh responsibilities, but with that i feel i have more say in the day to day activities as i am responsible for them.
post #23 of 35
Quote:
Originally Posted by augustgirl69 View Post
True and if DSS was/is set on one camp/ activitiy, just like my bio kids I would do my best to accomodate him- it's the multiple camps/activities Dh is suggesting that I feel is over the top, KWIM?
Agreed, and thanks for clarifying.

Can you tell your DH that, as the person who will be responsible for all the kids this summer, you need to be able to plan things that they all can do together, or that (like the day camp) work for the whole family?

Another thought, if he might be living near you for the school year, is to find out what summer program most of the local kids are in, and stick with a couple of those. That way he'd know people, would possibly make friends, and you might be able to meet mothers of similarly-aged boys.

I really didn't mean to jump down your throat on this one, I think the story of his biomom and stepdad struck a chord with me.
post #24 of 35
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Individuation View Post
Agreed, and thanks for clarifying.
I really didn't mean to jump down your throat on this one, I think the story of his biomom and stepdad struck a chord with me.
oh you didn't- I can here looking for different perspectives- and that's what I wanted and got.
Thanks
post #25 of 35
Quote:
Originally Posted by thismama View Post
Fair enough. IMO tho paid employment *is* a way of helping parent, if the income is used to support the family.
Absolutely. I' worked my entire life as a parent because I believe that being able to support my kids is a pretty basic responsibility.

But this man has brought several kids into the world. Having outside interests, like marathoning, that chew up huge parts of your off hours is probably a luxury he can't enjoy at this moment because of his early choices to bring these kids into the world.
post #26 of 35
Quote:
Originally Posted by offwing View Post
Absolutely. I' worked my entire life as a parent because I believe that being able to support my kids is a pretty basic responsibility.

But this man has brought several kids into the world. Having outside interests, like marathoning, that chew up huge parts of your off hours is probably a luxury he can't enjoy at this moment because of his early choices to bring these kids into the world.
Yup, I agree. I missed the part about the marathoning. Totally agree.
post #27 of 35
Quote:
Originally Posted by Individuation View Post
Agreed, and thanks for clarifying.

Can you tell your DH that, as the person who will be responsible for all the kids this summer, you need to be able to plan things that they all can do together, or that (like the day camp) work for the whole family?
.
It seems reasonable to me that the person home during the day should be in charge or scheduling (or not scheduling) the children's days. I can't imagine signing up dss or ds for karate then telling dh that he has to take them. But, I'd sign them up if I was planning to take them. I don't think you are being an unreasonable stepmom. If my spouse is planning multiple activities for any of the kids, he better plan on transporting them some of the time! My dh is the custodial parent and I still think he parents from guilt a lot of the time: guilt that dss doesn't have both his parents in one house, that he had a difficult period of childhood, that he goes back and forth.
post #28 of 35
I don't think that you are being unreasonable. It is fine and dandy for DH to want this and that, since he will not be there to do the actual work involved. Yes, I know he is the provider for your family, but running a marathon is not necessary to pay the bills. You just don't get the luxury of doing extra things when you have a family sometimes. Especially when you have children from a previous marriage. I think it is highly unfair to leave all of the parenting and work to you, yet he gets to dictate what is to happen? Nope. Don't think so. The SKs should be more important than running a marathon.

IMO, if he wants you to do the bulk of the work involved with the SKs, and you do it, the least he can do is to give up his hobbies and spend that time with his children.
post #29 of 35
I think you are being realistic. Has anyone discussed trying this on a small scale (maybe in the summer), to see how it will be. I hope everything works out. By the way, My ex and I work everything out through mediation and never go to court. If you agree then there is no need. In our case, it's a free county service.

Good Luck.
post #30 of 35
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by tri31 View Post
I think you are being realistic. Has anyone discussed trying this on a small scale (maybe in the summer), to see how it will be. I hope everything works out. By the way, My ex and I work everything out through mediation and never go to court. If you agree then there is no need. In our case, it's a free county service.

Good Luck.
Are you on the sme state? Dh and his X are in different states- so I would assume if that service is available he'd have to go there? The original divorce is from where we live, but all the modifications went though the state she's in now b/c we lived there at that time, then moved back to our original state.
post #31 of 35
I still don't understand why you will be paying child support for the 8 weeks for SS. There must be another way to adjust it than a costly court battle. Although adjusting it once in court for the kids visits may be cheaper in the long run.

You shouldn't be paying the same amount for the 8 weeks of having SS & 4 weeks of SD. Can your DH at least talk to the ex about it? Maybe if you let her know going to court is the next step for you she'll work with you.

Just a suggestion. I hate to see you being taken advantage of. I am sure it would be nice to have that extra money so your whole family could do something together when Skids are here.

I may disagree with you about your original post, I do think you SS may just rather hang out with the family. I think you are right about that. There may be something he wants to do, but to have his whole time scheduled away from the family could leave him feeling left out.
post #32 of 35
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rosedotcom View Post
I still don't understand why you will be paying child support for the 8 weeks for SS. There must be another way to adjust it than a costly court battle. Although adjusting it once in court for the kids visits may be cheaper in the long run.

You shouldn't be paying the same amount for the 8 weeks of having SS & 4 weeks of SD. Can your DH at least talk to the ex about it? Maybe if you let her know going to court is the next step for you she'll work with you.

Just a suggestion. I hate to see you being taken advantage of. I am sure it would be nice to have that extra money so your whole family could do something together when Skids are here.

I may disagree with you about your original post, I do think you SS may just rather hang out with the family. I think you are right about that. There may be something he wants to do, but to have his whole time scheduled away from the family could leave him feeling left out.
In our state, it's the same way.... They say that "It still costs money to keep their home going" So even if we keep them for the whole summer, we still have to pay HER child support. It sucks.
post #33 of 35
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Attached2Elijah View Post
In our state, it's the same way.... They say that "It still costs money to keep their home going" So even if we keep them for the whole summer, we still have to pay HER child support. It sucks.
I *think* that may be the case with us Pretty stupid huh? We also have to pay ALL airfare, which may be fair, but extremly expensive when you look at 3 visits a year x 2 tickets plus the fee for them being minors- it's about $600- $700 a trip so $1800- $2100 a year just to see them and it's insulting to then pay C/S for the whole summer too. I wouldn't mind if we were rich but that extra c/s $$ would mean we could do a whole lot more with them if we had it.
post #34 of 35
Quote:
In our state, it's the same way.... They say that "It still costs money to keep their home going" So even if we keep them for the whole summer, we still have to pay HER child support. It sucks.
Ugh, I am sorry. It doesnt seem fair.
post #35 of 35
Quote:
Originally Posted by augustgirl69 View Post
Are you on the sme state? Dh and his X are in different states- so I would assume if that service is available he'd have to go there? The original divorce is from where we live, but all the modifications went though the state she's in now b/c we lived there at that time, then moved back to our original state.
We did mediation over the phone long-distance, though in same state so maybe that is possible.
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