Okay, this is a tough one.
the last birth I attended was stillborn.
I'm getting over it now, but still, its hard.
It was a homebirth, at the parent's choosing, without any emergency evacuation possibilty. Not that it would have helped.
After a 12 hour labour, with no real problems, and an astoundingly healthy pregnancy, the baby crowned, but took an incredible amount of pushing to get out. I've never seen one take so long, and nothing I could do helped.
Anyway, the cord was tight around the neck, and I held it off, and managed to get the baby out and untangled pretty easily, and onto her mother's breast.
I checked for reflexes, but apgars were so low, and no heartbeat. I did CPR, and suctioned fluid - she had a lot, and after a couple of minutes, her heart was beating, and she was breathing, but not strong. - about 70bpm and very slight breathing.
I kept working on her, she never really moved much, but her mother kept insisting that she had been the same when she was born (just another of MANY aspects of this woman's labour that were 'just like when I was born'), so it seemed to fit.
At some point, maybe 20 minutes, The baby was breathing on her own, and though the heartrate was low, it was steady and strong, and the parents were in that overjoyed state. We took a lot of photos, cleaned up a bit.
I kept checking the baby's vital signs...
an hour after the birth, I asked the mother how the heartbeat was, and she said 'fine', and five minutes later I checked it myself. Only there wasnt one.
I started CPR again, already knowing it was too late. After 15 minutes we let go, wrapped the body and took it to the hospital.
Our whole community in grieving, the doctor in the hospital did an examination of the body, and confirmed brain damage - the skull had moulded too much in the birth canal. The doctor assured me there was nothing we could have done, and even that she had lived for an hour was a kind of miracle.
He said there was a chance that had she been born in hospital, she might have been saved with a c-section, but nothing is sure.
Anyway, it was all over, and even though the parent's strength and trust have been inspiring to me, and having the support of a few hundred people in our community, and the "medical establishment" saying that this wansn't my fault and I did nothing wrong, etc... I still have moments of doubt.
I still grieve for this baby, while at the same time feeling blessed to have been touched by a spirit so pure that she needed just one hour on this earth to complete whatever lessons she had, and clear all her karma, or whatever, before ascending.
I had tentatively agreed to attend another birth after this one; some friends who planned to go to Cambodia for the birth. I didnt want to fully commit to attending them; the travel alone was enough to make me unsure, but I really wanted to be with them, especially as the father was present when my own daughter was born.
So after this stillbirth, I was sure they wouldnt want me to attend their birth anymore, and I wasnt even sure I wanted to do it anymore, or ever again.
but then the parents approached me and asked if I still wanted to come to Cambodia with them, they said that they were more confident than ever that I was the only one they wanted to attend their birth.
I felt so overwhelmed by it all... so, now I'm in Cambodia, preparing for another home birth!
Trust in god.
Is there a smilie that is both whimsical and melancholic at the same time?
So, I'm really writing all this to hear from other birth professionals who have dealt with the loss of a baby, and how they dealt with it.
Cheers
the last birth I attended was stillborn.
I'm getting over it now, but still, its hard.
It was a homebirth, at the parent's choosing, without any emergency evacuation possibilty. Not that it would have helped.
After a 12 hour labour, with no real problems, and an astoundingly healthy pregnancy, the baby crowned, but took an incredible amount of pushing to get out. I've never seen one take so long, and nothing I could do helped.
Anyway, the cord was tight around the neck, and I held it off, and managed to get the baby out and untangled pretty easily, and onto her mother's breast.
I checked for reflexes, but apgars were so low, and no heartbeat. I did CPR, and suctioned fluid - she had a lot, and after a couple of minutes, her heart was beating, and she was breathing, but not strong. - about 70bpm and very slight breathing.
I kept working on her, she never really moved much, but her mother kept insisting that she had been the same when she was born (just another of MANY aspects of this woman's labour that were 'just like when I was born'), so it seemed to fit.
At some point, maybe 20 minutes, The baby was breathing on her own, and though the heartrate was low, it was steady and strong, and the parents were in that overjoyed state. We took a lot of photos, cleaned up a bit.
I kept checking the baby's vital signs...
an hour after the birth, I asked the mother how the heartbeat was, and she said 'fine', and five minutes later I checked it myself. Only there wasnt one.
I started CPR again, already knowing it was too late. After 15 minutes we let go, wrapped the body and took it to the hospital.
Our whole community in grieving, the doctor in the hospital did an examination of the body, and confirmed brain damage - the skull had moulded too much in the birth canal. The doctor assured me there was nothing we could have done, and even that she had lived for an hour was a kind of miracle.
He said there was a chance that had she been born in hospital, she might have been saved with a c-section, but nothing is sure.
Anyway, it was all over, and even though the parent's strength and trust have been inspiring to me, and having the support of a few hundred people in our community, and the "medical establishment" saying that this wansn't my fault and I did nothing wrong, etc... I still have moments of doubt.
I still grieve for this baby, while at the same time feeling blessed to have been touched by a spirit so pure that she needed just one hour on this earth to complete whatever lessons she had, and clear all her karma, or whatever, before ascending.
I had tentatively agreed to attend another birth after this one; some friends who planned to go to Cambodia for the birth. I didnt want to fully commit to attending them; the travel alone was enough to make me unsure, but I really wanted to be with them, especially as the father was present when my own daughter was born.
So after this stillbirth, I was sure they wouldnt want me to attend their birth anymore, and I wasnt even sure I wanted to do it anymore, or ever again.
but then the parents approached me and asked if I still wanted to come to Cambodia with them, they said that they were more confident than ever that I was the only one they wanted to attend their birth.
I felt so overwhelmed by it all... so, now I'm in Cambodia, preparing for another home birth!
Trust in god.
Is there a smilie that is both whimsical and melancholic at the same time?
So, I'm really writing all this to hear from other birth professionals who have dealt with the loss of a baby, and how they dealt with it.
Cheers
