Lying to relatives about homebirth

[liebchen]

I am planning a home waterbirth & I find myself lying to nosy family members who are "concerned" that I switched from my OB to midwife care. They keep pressing me about "so at what hospital will you deliver?" etc.

I just keep saying, "well, we haven't made up our minds yet" because I don't feel like defending my choices or explaining the safety of homebirth because it just falls on deaf ears.

Should I feel bad for lying?

[cal195]

If lying is the only/best way to decrease the stress on yourself and therefore protect you, your dh, and most importantly your unborn baby from the bad effects of stress and negative energy... then, hell no. Don't feel bad. Feel good! You're protecting your baby!

Good luck... I hope your relatives can relax and realize that you're smart and you've done your research and picked out the best option for you and your family.

Catherine

[christyc]

You shouldn't feel bad about that at all. You know your family well enough to know who will be supportive and who will probably not, so to protect yourself from the stress of meddlers keeping the real story to yourself may be your best bet for now.

[mamamoogs]

i am in kinda the same boat, I havent told my family I am having a homebirth either, only Dh my midwife and myself, although I may include my SIL in the near future because she lives down the street and I think I will need her to take my 2 year old at the time, I dont think my DD will be able to handle this, she cries badly when we have the midwife listen to the baby's heart beat she thinks they are hurting me, so that is were i am in telling anyone, and I just fib about what hospital I will be giving birth at ,just to keep the tension to a minimum. Gl and happy birthing!

[liebchen]

Thanks, mamas!

I really am protecting my baby--I simply refuse to have the trauma of a hospital birth ever again!

It never ceases to amaze me how other people feel they have the right to dictate our birth experiences! I'm the one who did the extensive research and have the medical facts & I have to defend myself against their ignorant opinions.

Oh well--It's nice to know that I'm not alone!

[kerikadi]

If I were you I would simply say my OB delivers at ______ Hospital.
I mean, you were seeing an OB/GYN and he or she does deliver at a certain hospital so you're not really lying. You don't have to say you are going to deliver there just that your doc does.

Keri

[Desdamona]

Originally Posted by kerikadi

If I were you I would simply say my OB delivers at ______ Hospital.
I mean, you were seeing an OB/GYN and he or she does deliver at a certain hospital so you're not really lying. You don't have to say you are going to deliver there just that your doc does.

Keri

That is exactly what I did for my first homebirth... I simply said, "Oh, my MW has privledges at XYZ hospital". And no one wanted to know anything more.

So when we called my MIL and told her the news that the baby was born at home, it took her a while to understand that NO the baby hadn't been born at home on accident because he came too quickly but rather that we had planned it that way.

It also helped that we didn't have any family living within 50 miles so there was no chance on a random drop by visit when I could have potentially been laboring.

[SublimeBirthGirl]

No, don't feel bad. I'm the shout it to the rooftops type though I didn't mention UC to most people unless they really seemed interested. But that's just me, I like talking about this stuff If you want to spare yourself the stress, lie away It's your birth.

[KarenMT]

I am about 90% sure I'll be going for a homebirth with baby #2. I know I will have a really difficult time keeping the information from my family. My mom is OK with it but my older sister is dead set against it and will cause me undo stress. My husband's family lives far away so we can tell them whatever we want which will be that our midwife does deliveries at X hospital. I will probably wait until the very last minute to tell my own family and not tell DH's family until after the birth. I know they will go into hyper panic mode as they are super medically oriented.

[MommytoTwo]

Not at all... why would you? Its not their business.

I dont tell anyone about my hb plans. I dont want any crap about it. My mind is fully made up and the people who have something to say about it have *no* clue about the safety of hb, vbac, etc etc.

My current plan is to, after teh birth, tell family we were seeing a mw who can deliver at a hospital or at home. And that at the last minute we decided to stay home. I dont want them to feel like we hid something from them and hurt their feelings ... but I dont feel that way enough to tell the the real situation, kwim?

[tessamami]

Maybe they want to come

and bother you at the hospital, after you deliver? So they want the info so that they can just "come on down" to meet the baby?

[fishfarmer]

Hi ladies! I'm somewhat new here -- used to frequent babycenter's CBC board, but I'm finding it's just not what it used to be... Hi Laura!! We've missed you. Good to see you over here.

Just wanted to say that dh and I pretty much "lied by omission" to all family about our hb this past July (only my mother and sister knew). So they all got the news when dh called after ds was born and they asked something like "where are you" to which he answered "home" and they would reply "They let you go home from the hospital that soon?!" -- to which he said, "We were never at the hospital..." etc., etc. -- you get the picture.

I say if it's not worth the stress and potential arguments due to differing viewpoints, then lying about birth place is not such an awful thing.

Oh, and so many of our family said they were glad not to have known ahead of time because they would have been too worried for us...

[cornpicker]

I'm torn on this. On the one hand, I don't want to deal with the shock and unsolicited advice, all the BS, etc. On the other hand, I'm so stunned with everything I'm learning about birth practices in the US v. birth practices based on actual research, that I almost feel like I want to be a natural birth missionary! So, I don't know. We definitely won't tell the ILs. I think my parents might be more open (my mom did have 4 natural births, but in the hospital), but they might be too 'worried' and it could get stressful.

Good luck. I hope we'll reach a day when everyone is more educated in birth options and is supported in their choice.

[meltf]

You have to do what works for you and you shouldn't feel bad about that. I'm pretty much a loud mouth and have no problem telling ppl my intentions. Of course, I'm in Austin TX at the moment and most ppl around here don't really blink an eye (at least not that I've noticed)

That said, I'll be moving to Atl before I give birth. I KNOW the type of reaction I'll get there. I know that my family will think I've lost my mind, but hey, I'm not the only nut in our family tree that's for sure. Besides, if anyone starts with me about the "safety" I'll start spouting off stats, etc, etc. My only concern is one cousin that I have. She and I are fairly close and close in age. Her DH is a doc. Not that it matters, it obviously won't influence my decision, but at the same time, I try to be respectful of his profession. At least he's not an OBGYN!

[AmieV]

It would be hard for me to lie just because a) I suck at lying and b) lies always lead into more lies which means more sucky lying on my part.

But I totally respect anyone's decision to just not "go there" with people that are not going to be understanding and cause undue stress. Fortunately my parents are the type that bring it up once, express their concerns, and then let it go. I had my opportunity to present my stats, we agreed to disagree and then my mom moved on even though she was still pretty freaked out. I don't know what I would do if I had people that were going to keep harping on it.

[Baby Hopes]

We on purpose didn't tell my IL's about the homebirth. We technically didn't lie. We just never volunteered information and were as vague as possible on the details. My MIL probably doesn't remember, but one of the first things she told me after my DD1's hopsital birth (no it wasn't "congratulations" or "how big is she!") was "Did you get an epidural?" Followed by an "I told you so!" when I explained that I had.

So with DD2, I tried as hard as I could to shield myself from pre or post birth judgements from my IL's.

In the end my SIL flat out asked me, "You're having a homebirth, aren't you?" It was a week until DD2's birth and I had resolved to not flat-out lie. So I gave her some of the details and left it at that.

Surprisingly and thankfully they were really terrific about the whole process. The homebirth went off without a hitch and I guess, in the end, they didn't have any new "I told you so's" to dish out.

THIS pregancy I'm telling EVERYONE and ANYONE. I can't keep my mouth shut. Funny thing is, I am not (so far) getting the same negative feedback as I did last time. I guess those that oppose figure I'm a lost cause.