it's not my job to embarrass my son

[BelovedK]

So, why am I always doing it? I really feel frustrated right now at the state of our relationship. I find myself falling into some really bad patterns with him

The way I dress embarrasses him, so does my car, our house, the things I say while in earshot of other people :

he just turned 12, and I had this fantasy of having this amazing relationship with him because I reallt appreciate teens and their issues/causes. I thought he was lucky to have me as a mother. He won't even listen to me. When I try to discuss something with him, he says "mom...stop, you're making me feel bad" when I'm trying to talk through something that happened earlier. When he makes up his mind that he's not listening to me, that's it!

Whats more, he calls his dad on a reg basis and they talk for a long time. He never calls me from his dad's house (used to) there is such a rift between us

I feel so awful, like I am creating the absolute worst relationship ever

thanks for listening.

[Susie1]

BelovedK,

Sounds like individuation. I am not sure how much creedence I give psychological explanations for anyone's behavior but it makes sense that a 12 year old boy may begin to identify less with his mom and more with his peers. This might look like annoyance and embarassment to you. Often "talking about feelings" is not a style that works with boys. Don't take it personally. When you do, he probably "feels guilty" and then you "feel rejected". It gets to be a "feelings" mess. So what if he hates your car and the house? Come to think of it, we all hate my car... it has become something of a family joke. Hey, if money is not an object, maybe you can let him pick the next family car -- or at least invite a fantasy about it? "What car would you trade this in for if you had the chance?" Could be a fun (and less feelings-laden) way to communicate with him and work on the bonding that is so important to you.

[greenhaven]

Ah, welcome to puberty! lol! Usually a rude awakening, at best. I think you are not as alone as you think...this is very much the age when boys start gravitating toward their fathers, generally. That is good and important; don't stifle it.

I can't really tell you what is right for you to do with your own kid. Try not to take it personally, and you have taken the right first step in recognizing that it is hurting you. Let as much of the 'embarrassing to him" stuff roll off, because he most likely doesn't think any less of YOU...he's just growing up.

Don't let him shut you out of his life, but give him some space. Sometimes when we stop crowding our kids they come forward on their own. Not saying you are, of course...I would have no idea!

I do think he should always be respectful to you, even if he is mad or emabarrassed.....just remember it is a phase, he will grow up and learn not to be embarrassed.

P.S., junior high is the worst age to get through, I think...high school was much better, imo and experience. Don't despair!

[lolar2]

He's 12? Then it IS your job to embarrass your son. The most embarrassing thing a 12-year-old can have is a caring, involved parent.

[fishface]

It's just puberty. It's normal. Give him space but be loving, open, and supportive. By the end of high school and beyond he'll slingshot back and be one of those guys who tells his friends how great his mom is and how he can tell her anything.

[doulamomvicki]

to you mama, I feel it too sometimes.

[Suzukimom]

I agree with all the others. This is a stage. My son went through it when he was 11-12 but then one day he observed a girl in his class get all embarassed when her mother came into the classroom. He thought the mother was fine, but the girl was embarassing herself. He had an epiphany and realized that you are the only one who could embarass yourself.

My mother used to embarass me when I was a young teen. I remember my father saying that people won't look at you if she is doing something "embarassing" - they look at the person, not you. They will look at you if you respond the the "embarassing" person. Make sense?

[mommy68]

My oldest DS is almost 12 and used to act like this in 4th grade last year but changed when he saw other kids hugging their parents, going out of their way to show off their parents, etc. All the kids in his class this year think I'm cool and he is okay with how I am now. The problem I have with him now is that he likes to talk back and disrespect my authority in private, not around others. He doesn't do it with his dad, just me. So I feel like the constant bad parent having to tell him no and argue with him about little things because he refuses to listen to me.

[BelovedK]

Thanks guys, I was just having an 'i am a bad parent' moment... The bickering, the disrespect on his part really bothers me. I really hope this is just a phase. I want my boy back

[Blue Dragonfly]

My girlfriend is going through this with her daughter, and I think she is the best mom ever.

Someone reminded her that children act out most with the parent they feel the most safe with. Like toddlers and their temper tantrums.

Hugs mama!

[lolar2]

Originally Posted by BelovedK

Thanks guys, I was just having an 'i am a bad parent' moment... The bickering, the disrespect on his part really bothers me. I really hope this is just a phase. I want my boy back

You won't get your boy back, but I bet you'll get a lovely young man.

[WeasleyMum]

Umm, from what I remember of being a teenager, this is *totally* normal. Parents are like the most embarrasing thing ever, and the more involved they try to be the more embarrasing it is. If you've ever read the comic strip "Zits", it pretty much hits the nail on the head.

I know it's probably impossible, but try not to take it too personally... you could be Carol Brady or whoever and he'd still act this way. No boy that age wants to be seen as a "momma's boy".

From what I understand about boys (not as a mother though, so take with salt ) this might help a little bit: do what you can to maintain your dignity. You are the parent: he doesn't have to like your clothes/music/causes/whatever but he should *not* be allowed to ridicule you or treat you disrepectfully. Your personal choices are not dictated by what *he* wants and in the end he will respect you even more for being strong and independent (from him) than for being clingy or overly concerned with what he thinks.

I hope things smooth out some!

[BelovedK]

Originally Posted by WeasleyMum

You are the parent: he doesn't have to like your clothes/music/causes/whatever but he should *not* be allowed to ridicule you or treat you disrepectfully. Your personal choices are not dictated by what *he* wants

thank you, this really speaks to me...it's nice to hear that my son is behaving in a totally normal way, we usually have such problems with him (bipolar related stuff) it's nice to know that this is a normal preteen thing

thank you thank you

[operamommy]

I embarrass my ds1 just by existing.

I think one of the best things I ever said to him was recently when we were having a talk about his attitude.

I looked him in the eye and said, "Listen, I know you think I'm an idiot sometimes."

Ds1 - *speechless*

Me: "Everyone your age thinks their parents are idiots sometimes - I thought my parents were the stupidest people I'd ever met."

Ds1 - *big grin*

Me: "Just do me a favor, and remember that even though I embarrass the heck out of you, I'm still your mom, I'm not a total idiot, and there will come a day again where I no longer embarrass you and you think I'm pretty darned smart."

Ds1 - *bigger grin* "I will, Mom."

I honestly think it really helped him to hear that I understood how he was feeling. Geez, don't we all remember feeling that way? It was a good way I think to take a potentially tense moment and turn it into connecting on a humorous level.

[BelovedK]

I remember being so upset that my dad wore socks with his sandals, now my son thinks I look 'unorthadox' (his words)

[lanamommyphd07]

I think there are many benefits to the teen thinking the parent is an idiot, or embarassing, or whatever. --
"who told you I was drinking???????" Uh, your eyeballs, but I'm not gonna tell you that since I'm gonna catch you again if you ever lose your mind like that in the future. Keep thinking I'm stupid, honey, and that I never did anything like smoke pot in college.
"but so and so is best friends with her mom" uh huh, and we can be best friends too when you're 30. Until then, I get to be your mom. Your friendly mom. By the way, I don't buy my best friends new fancy schmancy underwear after they have a "slip" or give them allowance. I may have a glass of wine with her, but that's because I didn't personally create her liver.
"you wear mom jeans" uh huh, and someday you'll figure out why it's no fun to pull your pants up every time you move, and you can laugh at the 40 year old mom wearing stuff that she stole from her kid.
When you're 25, you get to watch all the silly films the "embarassing" parents took of you as a kid, and have a real tickle of love. (But not until then).

Some kids don't have the benefit of the embarassing thing, but they sure are jealous of the ones who do.

[BelovedK]

Originally Posted by lanamommyphd07

you can laugh at the 40 year old mom wearing stuff that she stole from her kid.

The thing is, my son thinks I'm that mom (I'm 40 too)
He wrote me a note that said:

COMPLAINTS:

! How you dress-

*unorthadox
*imbarrasing*
*You look BAD! and I want to put you on the t.v. show "what not to wear"
*never get me at school*

2. about home

*unhealthy*
*dirty*
*you don't keep it clean
*i hate it hear!
*too gothic
*i hate you!

In my defense..My home is NOT dirty or unhealthy. it is simply an old home, circa 1920, with a clawfoot tub and all DS complains about the fact that there are cracks in the walls and on the ceilings. We've repaired them and it never lasts. I thought the note was funny, thought I'd share. He thinks I dress in an 'unorthadox' fashion...I tend to be sort of gothic in my look, not to the extreme, but I tone myself way down when in his presence. I also am told that I look and dress much younger than my age (40)

I am not making light of his concerns, simply trying to find some humor in a painful situation

[maya44]

Well this is all normal and it has NOTHING to do with you.

Many pre-teens want their peers to believe that they are fully functioning autonomous individuals who were hatched from eggs...unfertalized eggs sent to earth by space aliens.

So OF COURSE your child is going to be embarrased. Your very EXISTENCE, on some level, is embarassing because it remind him that he is not quite what he would like to pretend.

Please consider reading "Get out of my life, but first could you take me and Cheryl to the Mall." by Anthony Wolf. It will do your attitude a world of good.

[BelovedK]

What a funny title I'll check it out thanks.

I had a bad night last night, my feelings were really hurt even though I KNOW it is normal. I just thought we would have a different relationship. I'll try to relax a bit

[fek&fuzz]

Kelly,
My BF is going through this with his daughter. She's turning 14 in a couple of weeks, and lives with her mom about 1500 miles away. She comes up in the summer and on school vacations, and they used to talk a couple of times a week, but as she's gotten older she doesn't return his calls or emails, and when he does reach her she's with friends. She doesn't share her feelings as much as she used to. And when she's here - she hates his house ("it's too messy, the kitchen is bad, the cabinets should be replaced, etc."), his clothes, his car. She hasn't gone so far as to write him a note about it, though.

I try to explain to him that it's her age, and normal for her to pull away from him (and her mom) as she's grows up, but it is obviously painful. I don't think I spoke to my father when I was that age and we lived in the same house.

You seem very "hip" would I think would just make it worse for your son, especially if he is feeling awkward as he grows.