it's not my job to embarrass my son - Page 2

[BelovedK]

Originally Posted by fek&fuzz

Kelly,
My BF is going through this with his daughter. She's turning 14 in a couple of weeks, and lives with her mom about 1500 miles away. She comes up in the summer and on school vacations, and they used to talk a couple of times a week, but as she's gotten older she doesn't return his calls or emails, and when he does reach her she's with friends. She doesn't share her feelings as much as she used to. And when she's here - she hates his house ("it's too messy, the kitchen is bad, the cabinets should be replaced, etc."), his clothes, his car. She hasn't gone so far as to write him a note about it, though.

I try to explain to him that it's her age, and normal for her to pull away from him (and her mom) as she's grows up, but it is obviously painful. I don't think I spoke to my father when I was that age and we lived in the same house.

You seem very "hip" would I think would just make it worse for your son, especially if he is feeling awkward as he grows.

the 'cabinets' thing reminds me so much of my son. I wondered if my youthfulness and playfulness was hindering my DS's comfort level..It's not like I will start wearing sweats everyday and completely change who I am

I can see that it is normal, it just took me by surprise...His letter to me was hysterical, though I feel guilty for thinking it is funny...I mean, those are his concerns and I should take them seriously

[fek&fuzz]

Just get some really high-waisted, tapered jeans and white sneakers. Maybe a fanny-pack. And a sweatshirt with your town's name on it.

When my friend and I were 16 or so, I went to visit her in California and we wanted to go to the "cool" coffee shop but we needed her dad to drive us. He drove us in his Aries K car (I don't even know why he had that, it was the kind where the horn was on the turn signal lever), and wore a cowboy hat (even though he never wore one otherwise) just to embarrass us. I think he even honked the horn as we were getting out of the car.

So, it never really ends.

[greenhaven]

Originally Posted by fek&fuzz

and wore a cowboy hat (even though he never wore one otherwise) just to embarrass us. I think he even honked the horn as we were getting out of the car.

ROFL! Some day our kids will lighten up! We have always taught our kids to be able to laugh at themselves...it's an important skill for all of us!

[mlsantarem]

No real words of wisdom just reminds me of a Mark Twain quote

`When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.´

[BelovedK]

[QUOTE]

Originally Posted by fek&fuzz

Just get some really high-waisted, tapered jeans and white sneakers. Maybe a fanny-pack. And a sweatshirt with your town's name on it.

[Linda in OZ]

Originally Posted by greenhaven

ROFL! Some day our kids will lighten up! We have always taught our kids to be able to laugh at themselves...it's an important skill for all of us!

When I take my boys 12 and 8 grocery shopping, I threaten to hold their hands if they start running amok or I will do my best "lost my false teeth" impression and chase after them yelling "give your mother a kiss" We all end up in hysterics and hey it makes a boring shopping trip fun.

[mamawanabe]

I was so embarassed of my mom at 12. I remember picking out my mom's clouthes on parent teacher conference day (and all her clouthes were within the realm of "normal," so there was no logical reason for it).

But I was never embarssed of my Dad (though he was the one liable to say something shocking). Perhaps it had to do with power dynamics in the family. Perhaps just regular mother daughter stuff.

I was really embarrsed of myself. I felt "wierd" and wanting desperately to be some version of tv normal and projected that on my mom. In high school I felt more comfortable about myself, found a close group of friends, and embassmesnt over my mom completely stopped. My mom annoyed me, but she no longer embarassed me. In the end it was all about me and had nothing to do with my mom.

[glendora]

Originally Posted by fek&fuzz

Just get some really high-waisted, tapered jeans and white sneakers. Maybe a fanny-pack. And a sweatshirt with your town's name on it.

When my friend and I were 16 or so, I went to visit her in California and we wanted to go to the "cool" coffee shop but we needed her dad to drive us. He drove us in his Aries K car (I don't even know why he had that, it was the kind where the horn was on the turn signal lever), and wore a cowboy hat (even though he never wore one otherwise) just to embarrass us. I think he even honked the horn as we were getting out of the car.

So, it never really ends.

OOH. My best friend's dad went to the grocery store in overalls with no shirt, a trucker's cap, and mismatched flip-flops just to embarrass us.

And, yeah... it was embarrassing... but it was also hilarious. At some point we became more embarrassed for him than about him.

[mamawanabe]

Originally Posted by BelovedK

I remember being so upset that my dad wore socks with his sandals, now my son thinks I look 'unorthadox' (his words)

Yes, it is acceptable if you fit some TV version of MOM, but the slighhtest deviation (and there will inevitably be a deviation) results in horror. It is worse for the unorthodox. My mom was an aging hippie in a town where there were no hippies. Our house was nothing like my friend's houses. It was terrible in jr. high, then in high school, when I felt more secure with myself, my "wierd" family suddenly became my "interesting" family Close friends and a good boyfriend helped (cause I felt so accepted).

Jr. high is just a tough time socially.

[Nature]

Though my oldest is not quite there yet, I can begin to see the signs that she is. (she's almost 9) Previous things that used to make her laugh, now she says, "Um... you're weird mom." So its coming!

The thing that helps me, is to really think back to my own childhood. I can remember being very embarrassed by my grandmother (she raised me) She dressed in checkered shirts, and always smelled like cow dung since we lived on a farm. I was embarrassed of our house, and how she cleaned or didn't clean. Our yard. Everything!

The oddest thing is, we all lived on a farm in that area so she and our house weren't odd to other people. Just to me.

Years later after she passed away, I still have pangs of feeling guilty about being embarrassed. Even though I know its a totally natural thing that happens to all children as they grow up and move into becoming more of their own person.

[Ruthla]

Originally Posted by lolar2

He's 12? Then it IS your job to embarrass your son. The most embarrassing thing a 12-year-old can have is a caring, involved parent.

Originally Posted by Blue Dragonfly

My girlfriend is going through this with her daughter, and I think she is the best mom ever.

Someone reminded her that children act out most with the parent they feel the most safe with. Like toddlers and their temper tantrums.

Hugs mama!

Also, it's normal for adolescent boys to want a male role model, more so than for adolescent girls. Calling Dad a lot, and not calling you from Dad's place, has a lot more to do with him being an adolescent boy than it has to do with your parenting or even how close you are to him.

[lolar2]

Just wanted to share-- my mother embarrassed me today! I had an OB appointment (I know, a midwife would be more MDC but I'm high-risk and this OB practices w/ a group of midwives) and she talked the doctor's ear off with long anecdotes. So, OP, if you really cultivate it, you can continue to embarrass your son well into adulthood.

[Jane]

I think he's a little confused about his role in life. I don't think anyone's kid has the right or the obligation to patrol his mother's choice of clothing, approval or disapproval. He's narrowed in on that and your home because they are your buttons. In the same way that a toddler whose mother hates screams, he screams, and the pre-schooler whose mother is OCD about dirt, he makes mudpies. Your son knows that you've got a vulnerability there because it hurts. He probably gets a lot of "correction" in his life and wants to make other people feel that burn, too. But that doesn't make it okay to hurt you on purpose.

[BelovedK]

Originally Posted by lolar2

if you really cultivate it, you can continue to embarrass your son well into adulthood.