Expenses

[sarah878]

Hi everyone!! I'm soooo excited to find this 'place'!!!

My partner and I are just starting to research the idea of having a baby together. We've been together for over four years, and it's come up casually in the past, but we're just starting to 'seriously' look into things.

Question is.. how much should we plan on spending? We are a moderate family with moderate means. We have 3 children between us (I have 2, she has 1) and I want to make sure we aren't getting in over our heads. :

Any and all advice will be appreciated!!

Thanks!

[mamastotwo]

A lot of it depends on how you are thinking of having this child together. Will you need to buy donor sperm or get it for free from a known donor? Will you need to do IUIs or insem at home - if you've gotten pregnant easily before and are youngish i would try at home for free? Are you going to adopt? There can be a really broad range of how much it costs from free to $$$ Just a few of the things I can think of.

[lunadoula]

As the PP said, it really really differs. Would you use a sperm bank or a known donor? Etc. Etc. For the record we used a known donor, and our expenses involved travel for two tries (approx. $800 or so), supplies (very cheap - just syringes and specimen cups), fertility tracking stuff (about $300 or so but then I sold my Ovacue and recoupled 2/3 the cost of that), plus the legal documents (known donor agreement and also the cost of the adoption after the baby is born). All in all our costs were pretty minimal for what other couples pay. Some people who use donor sperm are able to pay for the semen and/or IUIs and other medical stuff through insurance and flex spending. Again, it really differs.

[ima2simcha]

We were pretty lucky in that I got pregnant on the second try through IUI and a willing to be known at 18 anonymous donor from a sperm bank. It cost is about $3000 in Dr. bills(IUI's etc) $700 in sperm costs and then $3000 for the second parent adoption plus misc medical costs for the pregnancy which mostly were covered by my insurance.

Good luck, Juli

[sarah878]

Is that the standard fee for a second parent adoption? Is that something you do right away, or do you have to wait a period of time? Thanks for all your responses so far, I have a lot of research to do!!!

[lexbeach]

Welcome to MDC!

For Second-parent adoption, it really depends on what state you live in. Some states don't allow second-parent adoption at all. Where we live (MA), you can do it yourselves for free, or hire a lawyer (and then it usually costs about $750). Some states require a more extensive legal process (and homestudy), and thus are more expensive.

As far as the cost of getting pregnant, so much depends on your methods and how long it takes! For my first pregnancy, I got pregnant the first time we tried. We used two vials of donor sperm (Shipped), and did two IUIs. The total cost was just under $1000.00, and we ended up with two babies! For my second pregnancy, it took 3 cycles, so six IUIs and six vials of sperm . . . total cost was around $3000.00. We have friends who have taken a year or more to get pregnant, and it can get really expensive. But, in my experience, mamas who are under 30, have no diagnosed fertility issues, and inseminate at least twice per cycle usually get pregnant pretty quickly. Older mamas (over 35), and mamas who only do one insemination per month usually take quite a bit longer to get pregnant. But it's all so individual that you really can't predict anything.

If you use a known donor and inseminate at home, the process could be totally free.

HTH!

Lex

[sarah878]

We do have a few friends that I would consider for donor sperm, well, two that are cute enough. How do I bring that up?!?!

What concerns should we have by using a known donor vs. an annonymous one? What legal precautions should we take and is it easier just to go to a bank? I know expense wise it would be better to go with a known donor, but how do we ensure that he has no legal recourse on us for the child? Custody disputes are not a friendly subject in our family, so far. I'd like to prevent all I can!!


Thanks again, girls!

[mama2rey]

Originally Posted by sarah878

We do have a few friends that I would consider for donor sperm, well, two that are cute enough. How do I bring that up?!?!

What concerns should we have by using a known donor vs. an annonymous one? What legal precautions should we take and is it easier just to go to a bank? I know expense wise it would be better to go with a known donor, but how do we ensure that he has no legal recourse on us for the child? Custody disputes are not a friendly subject in our family, so far. I'd like to prevent all I can!!


Thanks again, girls!

The question of KD vs AD is complicated. With a KD the sperm is free, but you have to work in legal costs for terminating his parental rights and second parent adoption.

Annonymous sperm is safer legally, and for your health. The disadvatage is that you pay alot for it and it may take longer to get pregnant.

My partner and I chose to have a KD. We are doing this with someone who we know is going to terminate his parental rights. However we are doing ALOT of talking and negotiating. Our child will know who he is and that he is the biological father, and our donor will know our child/have some sort of relationship with him/her. We are OK with that-I know some people would not want this. We've spent time talking and negotiated a donor contract specifying different things. We've been told that in our state (Illinois) that a contract not legally binding, but we have used it as something for us to negotiate from. He's someone that we trust enough to know that will follow his word and not give us a custody battle when the baby is born. There are people who I would not trust. I also trust his sex practices. He is getting a thorough medical exam/STD screening as well.

So if you decide to use a KD make sure you speak to a lawyer first who can explain things to you. MY DP and I are taking a risk because even though we have all signed a contract he can change his mind up until the adoption is completed-what we have though is that we trust this guy and know him. My DP and I also chose a KD because we want our child to know where he/she comes from. For us this was important and also why we chose a KD.

I think it is an individual decision. If you are using a KD make sure you can trust him. We know ours, and can communicate with him. You will need to communicate really personal stuff, beyond all the legal stuff.

I'm happy to talk more about our experience so far. We begin trying at my next cycle.................

[ErikaLeigh]

well for people like me what happens in a state where there can't be a second parent adoption?

[megincl]

ErikaLeigh -- Ugh. How horribly hard to not have 2nd parent adoption available...
any chance your DP could do a step-parent adoption? I know that in CA the non-bio parent uses a step-parent adoption clause to adopt. It could be something to look into.

Also a note to the OP: If it's legal, you should do a 2nd parent adoption no matter whether you use a KD or AD. We live in MA where we're legally married (thank goodness!), but we still have to do a 2nd parent adoption because other states _may_ not recognize me as the babe's legal parent because they don't recognize our marriage. But whether your donor is known or unknown, you still should do the 2nd parent adoption if you're able. The added step for a known donor is having him sign away his parental rights...unless you transfer the sperm through a medical professional, which takes away his rights in some states. Clearly it's so state-law dependent, so you'll have to figure out the particulars for your state. We actually had our first meeting with a lawyer a year before we got pregnant. She really laid out everything for us, so I'd totally recommend that. And just for comparison's sake, our 2nd parent adoption cost $1900.

This is quite a journey. Folks here have tons of info, so keep coming back with your questions!

good luck,
megin

[sarah878]

Thanks so much for all of your help! Kim and I have talked a lot over the weekend, and we've decided an AD is the way to go for us. We both feel safer going that route, does that make sense? I appreciate everyone's input and everyone's opinion made a lot of sense. Our circumstances are a little different because we've BOTH been married in the past and have children already. We both agree I will carry the baby. So, to sum up, we've made two decisions the whole weekend - I will carry the baby and going with an AD. Woohoo... only a thousand more desicions to go, eh?

Thanks again!

[CynicalStar]

Good luck TTC!

FWIW, it only took us once cycle of of at-home insemination with anonymous frozen donor sperm. I charted for 5 months to KNOW my cycle, and used OPK's. We paid less than $450 for two vials of sperm & supplies. $500 for prenatal care & hospital birth, thanks to my insurance.

We are having our home study for Second Parent Adoption (Texas) this weekend. $4000 for lawyer and social worker fees, plus gas/hotel since we must travel 6 hours for our court date - only two counties in TX have judges who will grant the SPA to gay/lesbian parents.

[sarah878]

Okay, so if we do an AD, should there be a rush in a SPA? How do I find out if they are granted in my area? Is it state by state or county by county? :

Nothing is simple, eh?

Thanks again, ladies.. I love the fact everyone is so helpful!

[mama2rey]

Originally Posted by sarah878

Okay, so if we do an AD, should there be a rush in a SPA? How do I find out if they are granted in my area? Is it state by state or county by county? :

Nothing is simple, eh?

Thanks again, ladies.. I love the fact everyone is so helpful!

I don't know if a rush in a SPA is necessary but I would check with a lawyer. It generally is a state thing.

Are you in the States? If you are you can find out general stuff at Lambda Legal Defense. Their website is http://www.lambdalegal.org/. Their regional offices have help desks and they will be able to answer basic questions.

[megincl]

Hmmm....I don't know about rushing a SPA. In MA you have to wait 6 months in order to file. But, if all of your paperwork is in, it can usually go quickly. What you can request is that the courts waive the social worker visit. I know this is really state specific, though....I also don't think the laws vary by the kind of donor that you use, but I'm not certain.

What you should definitely do is have a lawyer (or you if you're able) draw up a power of attorney so that your partner has the power to make all medical and other decisions about you/for you if you're unable and also for the child before she is a legal parent. Our lawyer called the document for our child a "fancy permission slip" -- basically it would have let me make medical decisions for DS, register him for school (hah! at 3mos!), etc....We didn't have to use it, but having it gave us peace of mind.

Good luck!
megin