Pregnant with #1 in our 30s - Page 6

[PiePie]

Originally Posted by MajorGroover

But DH is seriously freaked out about money and the future, and that's outweighing all the other good stuff right now. I told him that his feelings are normal and our plans haven't changed (as much as I'd like them to, I can't do that to him or our long-term future). Does anyone have any suggestions for books or podcasts or something that will help reassure him? I should be super happy right now but I just want him to be happy too. :\

my dh did this too. i was too sick to give proper credence to his feelings, and things escalated out of control. in truth, i was resentful of his feeling that way, because this was a wanted, planned baby. remember that ttcing?? ultimately he sat down and did a super detail spreadsheet of what we will need to spend. it was helpful that i had pre-planned everything, knew what i wanted and what i didn't. so he could be like what are the most expensive purchases for the first six months? and i would know thanks to all my obsessive researching... so at the end of the day he was calmer because he realized that if i get a job and don't sah : we can have what we need plus what we want, within reason. at bottom his freakout was that baby would supplant his needs and we wouldn't have any fun anymore. i was like, but the baby = fun! but that only made him feel worse. so now we have line items in the budget for entertainment and babysitting, even though a huge part of me can't imagine letting go of my baby... so i read this book by gayle peterson, an easier childbirth or something, ad she has this ection for older first-time mamas' special concerns in which she talks about this feared loss of freedoms. it helped me be morsympathetic to dh.

[jpiper0430]

Dee - My DH had some freakouts about finances as well. It's tough because you want to be happy because you're pregnant, but you need to make sure DH is comfortable with the financial situation. We did something similar to piepie and created a budget. Of course I HATE my job, so I will be quitting in December, no matter what. I'm hoping to find a job teaching at a local school, even if I have to work elsewhere until next September (October due date makes it difficult for me to start this year).

Laura and Becky - glad your appointments went well! It is very reassuring to hear the heartbeat!

Alex - sounds like you have one sneaky peanut there! Loved the story!

Natalia - sorry about the m/s. I hope it goes away soon! I haven't vomited yet, but I've come close a number of times.

Welcome to anyone who is new! I'm excited to still be here!

I had an ultrasound today. I wasn't planning to have one until 20 weeks, but after spotting for 3 days, it was such a relief to see the little bean swimming around in there. Babe was measuring 11 weeks 6 days (based on LMP, I should be 11w 2 days, so pretty close). The heartbeat was 168bpm. I'm so excited!!!

I've got the rest of the day off from work, so I"m going to start researching baby stuff. It's amazing how much stuff they claim you 'need' for the baby!

[dctexan]

My DH is STILL freaking out about the cost of the baby. It all started because he decided he wanted a new car, a really expensive car. Usually I do not interfer with his purchases too much (because we keep a lot of our money separate & he, being the primary money maker, pays for most of our big ticket items), but I HAD to speak up this time and ask if we could afford it. He looked at me like I was an idiot for even asking because he had already done the reasearch and looked at our budget. Then I asked if he had accounted for the additional cost of the baby. He kinda looked at me like, what? So I had to explain that I with maternity leave, we would be going without my paycheck for however many weeks, plus once I did start working we would have to pay for daycare which will be about $800 per month. DH FREAKED out over the cost of daycare and the fact that we will be spending $10,000 plus whatever other additional expenses for the kiddo. He is so not happy with the situation right now. I think part of the problem is that even though this was a wanted/planned baby he was been in major denial (DH is the denial champion) that anything is different and that anything has/will change. Not being able to buy a new car, just because he wants one, has been a huge slap in the face. It sucks for him, but in a way I am glad that something snapped him back to the real world. Now that he has the information, he can start processing and coming to terms with it (which was not happening in denial land). Hopefully then he will start becoming excited about the baby. SO far he has only had negative or neutral reactions and it has been a fairly lonely pregnancy for me. So, I hear ya Dee and I sympathize. Thank god I have you guys to be excited with me

[PiePie]

emily, my dh did that about a big-screen tv! i was like, hello?!?! he is right that the cost of infant day care is ridiculous, but grr!! peterson's point was that there is a difference between feeling (wishing you could just go splurge on that luxury item like in pre-baby days) and acting (wanting to undo the babymaking).

[Dee-Groovy]

Thanks for the commiseration PiePie, Jenn and Emily. I'm SO sorry you're going through the same things. I'm really glad we're here being happy for each other too. DH & I barely talk during the week since we work opposite shifts but hopefully he'll be feeling a little better this weekend. He was worried that I wasn't taking the appropiate steps to get us moving toward our plans b/c I secretly didn't want to continue toward them. That's somewhat true, but I've also just been lazy. : It's weird though, even if he gets enthusiastic about it now (which I doubt), I feel like I'm more detached and worried. Reality is never all it's cracked up to be! :

I've constructed budgets before but both of us suck with $ so they end up being a huge stressful waste of time. I wish we could do better but we're still supplementing our income with student loans. It feels so hopeless to know that no matter how well we do, we're still in the hole. I'm going to look into government assistance next week I guess. I need WIC b/c I'm eating everything that's not nailed down!

Jenn I'm so happy your u/s eased your mind after all the spotting. How wonderful to see your bean and the !

[amberbella]

I'm so proud of myself....I went for a brisk walk after work today. It was only 25 min of exercise, but it's definately better than my usual position of reclining on the couch trying to ignore the nausea. I walked up the steep hill to the top of the complex I live in and back down to home. I feel pretty good now, though I must admit that currently I am reclining on the couch. Mayble I'll shock DH by doing some cleaning after I'm done catching up with the boards. Now that would REALLY be something.

[farmama]

my dh tried to convince me that the BABY needed a big screen tv...

i'm not even going to get started on the badness of babies and television.

[PiePie]

my dad said the same thing! specifically that using the remote would develop dexterity. in his dreams.

[hazieluna]

I'm glad to see I'm not the only one with a dud for a DH.... it's not that he isn't excited exactly, although who can tell, it's more that whenever we talk about the baby he starts talking about money like these two are linked in his head. He's much better about money than I am so I feel like I really should pay him heed but I just get bored with the conversation, money is the last thing on my mind when I'm thinking about the baby... can I just say it's a total downer, he's always playing out some doomsday scenerio where we won't ever be able to eat out again or something. Ugh... Like a big warning sign flashing constantly! My worries go more in the direction of not getting enough sleep - haha!

Anyway thanks everyone about the well wishes for m/s it seems to have worked, I been feeling better these last two days, yahoo!

Now I just need to follow amberella's example and mosey off the couch into some form of movement!

[ChristyM26]

It's kinda funny that everyone has their DH freaking about money. Usually I'm the one freaking about money and my DH likes to spend it (on everything and anything). When he asked me about it last night, I was pretty calm and told him we'll deal with it one week at a time. I can't be stressing over money right now, and we'll figure out how to make a budget work (though I know he'll be unhappy about it at first, I also know he'll change his mind once he sees the baby in his arms).

[dctexan]

Originally Posted by hazieluna

I'm glad to see I'm not the only one with a dud for a DH.... it's not that he isn't excited exactly, although who can tell, it's more that whenever we talk about the baby he starts talking about money like these two are linked in his head. He's much better about money than I am so I feel like I really should pay him heed but I just get bored with the conversation, money is the last thing on my mind when I'm thinking about the baby... can I just say it's a total downer, he's always playing out some doomsday scenerio where we won't ever be able to eat out again or something. Ugh... Like a big warning sign flashing constantly! My worries go more in the direction of not getting enough sleep - haha!

Wow Natalia, this is us EXACTLY - how scary (although also oddly reassuring that DH and I aren't the only ones). I think because men aren't experiencing the bodily changes the one thing they can focus on and "feel" is the strain on their wallets. *sigh*

BTW - DH and I had a "discussion" this morning about the whole pregnancy. Basically is he pissed because he feels like I have made all of the decisions (i.e. type of prenatal care, type of birth, type of birthing class, which daycare, etc) and left him out. I am super pissed at him because I feel like I am the only one doing any preparing (i.e. reading about my choices, researching different types of care, calling daycares) and that he isn't supporting me at all (not a single bit of respect or appreciation for the fact that I am carrying his child, no back rubs or foot rubs or any other attention even when I am tired and hurting). I feel like he has all the same resources I do, but he hasn't lifted a finger to investigate any of them (I didn't just "know" everything, I had to get on line, go to the library, talk to other parents, etc.) so it really isn't my problem that he doesn't know anything. Will someone please help me figure out how to handle this situation? Right now I am not thinking in a productive way (I just want to tell him "it's too darn late, tough s%*t, now deal with it, grow up, and start supporting me you a$$" - which is NOT a good solution).

[k9sarchik]

My DH freaked out and got a full time job!! YAY! He had been freelancing for years and I was the only one regularly paying the bills. When we found out we were pg he started sending out his resume and demo reel. And hurray he landed a cool job that he likes! Phew. Takes the pressure off of me.

On another note: anyone else having weird cravings? I am the last person on the planet to ever buy myself a donut. But there I was in the grocery store staring at them. But a mom and her kid were hogging them so I left and was relieved that they were blocking them. So I'm driving home and I am craving a donut like it's the end of the world. So I go to McD's and get an apple pie. I haven't had one of those since I was 5!
Last week I was craving a Bologna sandwich with american cheese and Wonderbread! : My DH thought I had lost my mind.

I think pg causes temporary insanity!:

[beckyphry]

Emily, I put my husband in charge of calling daycares. I researched them all online and just gave him a list to call and a list of questions to ask. Unfortunately he's been sick all week with bronchitis and this has made his voice really weak so he coudn't do any of the calls this week, and I'm mildly freaking, because I feel like we need to get this daycare thing taken care of NOW, but he'll get on it next week. Wow, that was a crazy run-on sentence.

I figure, I'm already doing ALL the work, might as well give him a job, right? Would you husband accept some tasks?

Oddly enough, he's not worried about money at all. I am! I don't know if I'll be able to get the kind of work schedule I want, and if I can't, daycare may end up being too expensive for us. We'll have to see... I mean, maybe if I threaten my boss with "either this is my schedule, or I'm quitting" I'll get what I want???

[amberbella]

Before TTC DH was so worried about money....I would always say "We'll find a way to make it work" He finally said ok to TTC. Then the first few weeks after we got pregnant, he was in denial a bit....then really worried about money...now, just the other day he said. "I think we'll be ok if you can bring in $300 or so a week....well, we'll be ok no matter what, but we'll be comfortable if you can bring in a little"

It was so great to finally hear him realize that we will be OK...that it will work out...that we can do it.

[PiePie]

emily, hug! my dh too accuses me of making "unilateral" decisions with regard to the baby. he is reconciled to having no say in the midwife vs. ob thing because it's my body (although he was not exactly predisposed to a non-dr, esp as the mws are not covered by insurance) and because he comes to all my appts with me and has grown to really like/respect the mws, who are not anti-Western medicine at all. i would definitely bring him along as much as possible.

it's harder with regard to the baby. i feel like certain things are non-negotiable, because i have given them more thought/research. but i try to find ways to get buy-in from him. for example, i really want to expose our babe to sign language (dh was an extremely delayed talker). i sell this, and baby massage, as special things he can do with baby. he also got really excited when i told him that i would like for him to take a walk with baby every day after work -- supposedly one of baby's fussy times, and also so taht i have some me time to check in with you all, etc. nonetheless, he is still not on the same page as fast as i would like him to be. i picked out a diaper bag for our registry, and asked him which color he wanted, and he didn't respond for days -- like he just doesn't focus on stuff that far in advance. like i make the registry and he says yes dear, that's so cute. (when i do involve him, he has whack ideas like black crib sheets -- what do you mean they don't make those? much more practical!)

the biggest barrier is the daycare stuff -- we need to interview separately for some places, which are very uptight about their philosophies, so DH needs to get educated, and on some level I think he approaches babe as a brainless blob, so he wants them to be nurturing and nice and well-paid so there is low turnover for attachment purposes, but that he can't talk the talk (reggio? montessori? piaget?) to get us a slot. so i am stalling on that a bit.

i was really frustrated that he wasn't reading about pregnancy/birthing, but he read simkin's birth partner, so i am now proud of him. he grooved on it, btw. i was pushing one book for so long and he read everything else (magazines, histories, nothing about babies!), and then i gave him a choice of 3 (birth/baby) books to take on this business trip, and responded better to me being (a little) less dictatorial.

this is not to say that i get perfect buy-in from him yet, bc i don't. i asked him yesterday if Roo (that's our nickname for the gender-unknown baby, as in Kanga and Roo) loved us, and he said Roo didn't feel anything. : He used to say he didn't love Roo yet, but he loved me loving Roo, so now at least he says he loves Roo. So there's progress, just not on my schedule.

[beckyphry]

Warning: emotional pregnant lady posting!

My vents for today:

- I'm afraid that I won't get the kind of work schedule I want after my maternity leave. I talked a little with my boss yesterday, just to broach the subject of working from home "a little" without getting into specifics and I got the impression that only one day from home would be do-able. She needs to talk to her boss, and I'm hoping her boss will flat out ask me what I want. If I can't work from home for at least 15 hours a week, I'm worried we won't be able to comfortably afford day care, and I am SO SAD at the idea of my baby being with other caregivers for that much time every week. :

- I'm really anxious about finding a good daycare. I wish we'd started looking earlier because now I feel so rushed to just get on a list somewhere. I hate having loose ends!

- I'm so sad that my mom can't be more involved in my pregnancy because she lives so far away. I wish she was here to take me shopping for stuff, to help me make up my registry, to just talk to me about stuff. I'm even sadder she won't be around much when the baby gets here. I was extremely close with her parents -- they were my second parents! It kills me that my baby won't have that with her and my step father.

: I'll be ok, I'm just having a sad, worrisome time at this very moment. I've been doing so well with not being emotional, I guess it just built up!

[jpiper0430]

Becky - Big hugs to you on an emotional day! I'm sure everything will be fine - you'll find a great day care, and you'll find a way for your mom and baby to be close despite the distance. I know it's really hard. I grew up within a five minute drive of my grandparents and my family was really close. Now, I live 90 minutes away, which doesn't seem like a lot, but it's enough to make it difficult for daily visits and such.

Big hugs to everyone having hubby problems. I must say, it makes me realize how lucky I am. My DH is fantastic. He was a bit skeptical when I first said I wanted to deliver at the Birth Cottage in New Hampshire, but after he met the two midwives, he was convinced that it was the best place to go. They are great and supportive and since they don't deliver 300 babies a year, they can spend a lot more time with you than the assembly line style ob's we have around here. He's a bit concerned about money, but we have decided that I will quit my job after my maternity leave and we'll make it work. If I have to get a part time job, then so be it. We figure that I can always tutor high school students in science and math, since I'm hoping to become a high school physics teacher a year or so after the babe is born (or a little earlier since babe is due in Oct and school starts in Sept).

I hope everyone has a joyful weekend!

[Dee-Groovy]

Emily, I'm sorry you & your DH had a yucky "discussion" yesterday. I like Becky's suggestion of giving your DH tasks so he can feel like he's involved in the pregnancy. I think it makes sense to share the decisions that you're making and ask for his input, maybe even provide him with some information on why you're leaning toward a certain choice and asking what he thinks. I guess at this point a lot of decisions have already been made by you, but again, it doesn't hurt to explain what the options were and why you chose the one you did. Sure he has access to the same material you do but remember, men are WAY different from us - maybe it never occurred to him that you didn't "just know" all this stuff.

I dragged my DH out of bed 3 hours early on his day off yesterday to drive an hour to interview a midwife. Even though I know the final decision on care is mine I insisted that he be involved. He was sleepy and sulky in the beginning but I think he's glad he went. Didn't have a clue about most of the questions I asked her but I told him I wanted his opinion on her character, which he happily provided while eating Indian food afterward (bribes never hurt either ).

I guess I'm saying they don't always know what they want and this is an emotionally turbulent time when it's easy for misunderstandings to get blown out of proportion. I hope you find a way to resolve your issues here, and hopefully it's as simple as nicely asking for what you need, whether it's handling daycare or a foot rub.

Becky I'm sorry you're stressed over work schedules and daycare. I hope the discussion over working from home goes well with your boss's boss. : Those are both huge decisions that I'm not looking forward to dealing with. I'm also planning on moving from the east coast of the US to Australia shortly after the babe is born so DH can go to grad school, so pretty much all grandparent involvement is out, I guess. On the positive side, I grew up with grandparents who lived on the other side of the world and it worked out pretty well. They stayed with us for 3-9 months every few years so I actually knew them better than the grandparents who lived 3 hours away. If you express to your mom how much you want and need her involvement maybe you can work something out, especially for the first few months.

Laura I've been craving and drinking - gasp - coca cola! I used to criticize it so much, called it liquid candy, empty calories, etc. but now it tastes so good & settles my stomach. Weird.

PiePie awww he loves Roo!

Jenn glad to hear everything's working out & you found a great birth center.

My MW interview went really well yesterday and we both like her a lot. Unfortunately she's almost 2x as expensive as I thought she was. : Does anyone know what normal hospital fees are? I called mine to get a quote but got lost in the phone system & gave up...

[~minnow~]

Wow, this thread is really interesting and thoughtful right now. It is striking to see how many of us have had some similar DH issues.

Originally Posted by MajorGroover

I wish we could do better but we're still supplementing our income with student loans. It feels so hopeless to know that no matter how well we do, we're still in the hole.

We're here too. If you knew HOW MUCH we have in student loans between the two of us, you'd all probably die. And it's not even like we're in high dollar fields: we're English majors. Yet if I have to take out more next semester, I will. I have no choice, really. I'm hoping to land this free lance gig which would be the best thing that ever happened to me besides getting preg, but if it doesn't work out, well... more loans. Yet somehow I've made peace w/ it. I have always been able to pay my bills. I'll have debt forever, but as long as I can pay the monthly bill and don't feel too deprived, what can I do? Anyway... I just wanted to say that we're in the same position as you. It takes faith and optimism about our future prospects... trust in our abilities, I guess.

My situation is different from what a lot of you describe, because my DH sucks at money. To the extent that I had to transfer his credit card balances to my credit cards because he kept racking up fees and the craziest interest rates, like 33 percent! Gah! So he doesn't really get to say much about our money situation, because he's a monetary fool whereas I am a lot more bold. I say, If it's worth the investment and will really improve your quality of life right now you figure out how to make it work and then try not to worry. Of course, if I had to figure out how to pay for daycare I would be totally, totally worrying. So there's an upside, I guess, to being an unemployed graduate student Maybe I'll just pretend that I am paying myself $1000/month to take care of the baby.

Oh, I also wanted to say that my DH was very unsupportive and downright hostile about the baby ("this is because this is a terrible time to have a baby!" he'd say angrily whenever we had fights) for the first several weeks. One day it stopped. I have no idea what happened, but now he's cute and seems excited. The other thing he stopped was the anger at my unilateral decision making (I had no idea this was so common a complaint!) Anyway, that went away too. He hasn't read anything and I can't get him to give me a massage to save my life, but at least we aren't fighting anymore and he smiles when I mention the baby. (K9s: I also crave the grossest things, like doughnuts. Usually I'll say, hm, I think the baby needs a butterscotch pie right now, and DH will laugh.)

I like this thread because all the problems that seem so specific to us, it turns out they're sort of common for people in our situation... it helps me to be more compassionate, I guess, rather than to assume he's just an ass when he's being one. However, relating means that I always write a whole book when I reply here. Hugs to all! Esp. Becky... I'm sorry you're having a low moment. I hope something works out... some new job opportunity that obviates the work and day care issues and comes out of nowhere, maybe...

[dctexan]

PiePie - Thank you so much for that. I really really needed to hear that I wasn't alone and that it also wasn't the end of the world. I think I was feeling really hormonal and emotional when I posted that, because now things just don't seem so bad (so hang in there Becky!). What you said about not doing things on your timetable is just so true in our house too. When I ask DH for his opinion it is because I need the information in the next few days, however his processing time is VERY (to me painfully) slow and sometimes days are just not enough. Unfortunately I don't know everything weeks and weeks ahead of time so I can't fully prepare him or give him the time he prefers. I think that him doing some reading or getting some independent information would really help him realize the kinds of things he needs to be thinking about. As I said before, he has been very resistent so seeking any info, but yesterday I sent him 2 webpages - one on babycenter.com for expectant fathers (no exactly AP or crunchy, but it seems like a good fairly neutral place to start him off) and another one linking to an article dicussing the benefits of delayed cord clamping. He actually thanked me for sending him the info yesterday - not that he has read any of it, but at least he acknowledged its existence AND he now knows I am not purposely withholding information I also really like your idea of giving him a choice of books and saying "pick one". I may run to the library and give that strategy a try.

I am also worried about daycare interviews. I was a special education teacher for 3 years and know A LOT more about child development than he does. For example, he seriously thought that "daycare" was just a place where you drop off the kid and someone "supervises" but basically the babies are just left to fend for themselves unless there is a problem - like doggie daycare *sigh* I had to explain how daycare (well good daycare anyway) actually works. He still doesn't exactly "get it" and totally thinks daycare prices are "a huge rip-off" ('cause, you know, it only costs $14 per day to drop our dog off at a topnotch doggie daycare) so I am a bit nervous about him saying something inappropriate during the interview. The only thing I can hope is that these people have seen many first time dads and understand that basically most first time dads are pretty "dumb" until they actually see the babe. As long as someone doesn't start arguing about "what a good deal" they are, we should be fine. : to all of us going through daycare interviews!

Becky - aw honey
Sucks to be hormonal and sad (I much prefer the hormonal ups!). I hear you about the daycare freak out - I did not realize we should have been looking BEFORE I was even pregnant (that seems like such overkill and DH would NEVER have played along with it!). I am so freaked out we are not going to get a spot in daycare. Our back-up plan is to hire a nanny until a space opens, but that is going to be VERY expensive and quite a strain for us.

I totally understand how you can be sad about not having your mommy! My mom lives about 4 hours away but I never ever get to see her because she runs a dog kennel/grooming facility and works 7 days/wk (not exactly baby-friendly). DHs parents live on the opposite side of the country so they won't be around much either (although, at least they are retired so we may have some extended visits). It really sucks that these wonderful people (my mom and inlaws) who very much want this grandbaby (first grandbaby for both sides!) will not get to be as involved in his/her life as we would all like. Still, I try to maintain a positive outlook on it all but appreciating and recognizing how loved this baby will be, even if the grandparents are not a constant (or frequent) presence.