Pregnant with #1 in our 30s - Page 7

[Grace24]

Wow, guess it's been a long time since I checked in! Took me an hour to catch up!

I'm sorry everyone's having such a hard adjustment with their DH's (what's the D stand for these days? ) Makes me realize I'm relatively lucky...my complaint about mine is that he didn't bring me flowers when I told him I was PG (but he did take me out to dinner and goes to the store to get the foods I want, and rubs my back and feet, etc. like that's not enough, right?)

We're also in a good financial position too, based on the fact mostly that we're older (mid-30's) and have been working a while, and our assetts outweigh our debt. So that's nice...we just could be a little smarter about money. My schedule isn't too bad, I'll have time off after baby anyway just cuz this baby is timed really well, and eventually I'll just need babysitters for my busy weeks, as opposed to daycare. I thank my lucky stars every day.

My biggest struggle right now is adjusting to not being able to do my yoga...I was going to Bikram classes every day cuz I have bad back pain, but they won't let me do it until my second trimester, and the prenatal yoga tapes focus more on opening the hips than helping my back. With our heavy playing schedule (we're playing Ride of the Valkries, the famous Wagner opera which is, no kidding, five hours long) my back is suffering bad. I think I'll just do the yoga series without the heat (I think that's what they're wary of in the first trimester) instead...I think the poses themselves are ok, and I have the pregnancy modifications on a printout. I can't do much walking cuz I had knee surgery a few months ago and all the stairs in the house are killing me, and I have issues with my foot too which is getting better but still hurts occasionally. So basically I feel like a blob who's sitting around on the couch getting fat, and losing my mind. I sleep all the time! (Which is a nice break from the insomnia that's always plagued me though) So last night I just kind of bottomed out on feeling bloated and useless, and DH and I took the doggies for a short walk. It helped. Now we just need to find the bike pump and get my bike set up on the indoor stand so I can start doing that...hopefully my knee will agree with that. I just don't want to gain too much weight in my pregnancy...I've struggled with my weight all my life ( although never more than up or down 20 pounds or so) and I was getting to a point where I stopped all diets and was doing yoga everyday and my weight was starting to regulate, so I don't know what I'll do after baby but I guess I'll worry about it then! But the body image issues will be tough as I watch myself get bigger...on the other hand, I'm giving myself permission to eat whatever I need so maybe it will be good for me to focus on nutrition rather than how many calories something is.

Wow I'm rambling! All in all, I'm feeling good... no m/s yet, just food aversions, and the back stuff which hopefully some stretching will help today. Good luck to all! I'll try to check in more often now that I found this thread again (I've been looking in my Due Date Club for you guys, duh), and personalize next time.

Julia

[dctexan]

Originally Posted by MajorGroover

Emily, I'm sorry you & your DH had a yucky "discussion" yesterday. I like Becky's suggestion of giving your DH tasks so he can feel like he's involved in the pregnancy. I think it makes sense to share the decisions that you're making and ask for his input, maybe even provide him with some information on why you're leaning toward a certain choice and asking what he thinks. I guess at this point a lot of decisions have already been made by you, but again, it doesn't hurt to explain what the options were and why you chose the one you did. Sure he has access to the same material you do but remember, men are WAY different from us - maybe it never occurred to him that you didn't "just know" all this stuff.

I dragged my DH out of bed 3 hours early on his day off yesterday to drive an hour to interview a midwife. Even though I know the final decision on care is mine I insisted that he be involved. He was sleepy and sulky in the beginning but I think he's glad he went. Didn't have a clue about most of the questions I asked her but I told him I wanted his opinion on her character, which he happily provided while eating Indian food afterward (bribes never hurt either ).

I guess I'm saying they don't always know what they want and this is an emotionally turbulent time when it's easy for misunderstandings to get blown out of proportion. I hope you find a way to resolve your issues here, and hopefully it's as simple as nicely asking for what you need, whether it's handling daycare or a foot rub.

Dee - I guess we were posting at the same time, because I missed your response. Thank you! Yeah, I know I SHOULD give DH tasks but I am still in shell shocked over some of tasks I gave him from the wedding that he didn't do so I ended up having to do them at the last minute and it REALLY sucked! Mind you that was 4 years ago, but it still freaks me out that he just didn't do some of the things we needed (i.e. arrange transportation home from the reception!). It is really scary for me to hand over the responsibilty for something if I think it is essential. I guess I will need to find some stuff that I don't care as much about (daycare is NOT one of those tasks I can hand over, DH does NOT understand the timetable...he thinks it is really, really crazy that we are wait-listed at 2 daycares and have to "interview" at two others before being added to the wait-list all while the babe isn't even born yet).

Does anyone have any ideas about the kinds of things I could delegate to DH? I was thinking maybe researching the kind of car seat, pack and play and other more pricey baby essentials (what else belongs on that list?) because it might help him stomach the cost if he picks it out, you know?

[beckyphry]

Thanks for the hugs, everyone.

Dee, I'm glad your midwife interview went well, but sorry for the cost. I have no idea what most normal fees are, it's too bad you have to worry about that. I like what you said about your grandparents staying with your family for months at a time when you were little -- I hope my mom will be able to do something like that for us. She does part time contract work from home so her schedule is a bit flexible.

Emily, I know exactly how you feel:

When I ask DH for his opinion it is because I need the information in the next few days, however his processing time is VERY (to me painfully) slow and sometimes days are just not enough.

Same thing in my house! I make quick decisions and when I decide I'm ready for something, I'm READY right now! My husband needs to think about things for a while... and hates when he feels "rushed", and it's so frustrating!

And thanks for your kind words. Makes me feel not so crazy to know many of you are dealing with the same daycare and family issues!

Julia, sorry you can't do the yoga that makes you feel better! At least you're not having morning sickness -- I didn't either, I only had food aversions for a few weeks. Let's hope you luck out on that one!

[nikkihoi]

OMG! Thank you Mama's for posting all of these situations you're going through! Espeacially the DH unilateral decision making stuff!

Just the other night, after DH had been away all week, we went through a simialar "discussion" which took me for a bit of an emotional roller coaster ride (so much so I had to excuse myself b/c I couldn't stop crying for no good reason). Ok, so we are making dinner and catching up and I tell him I finially got a reccomendation for BM teacher for classes but the down side is her next session starts a week from Sunday and her next session after that we wouldn't get to finish b/c it would go beyond my dd. He asked me how long and I told him 12 weeks, on Sunday eves, 30min drive. He turned and looked at me like "12 weeks!, next week? what?" I felt terrible.
"Well, I guess I don't have choice, I have know idea what I'm getting into, why is it 12 weeks, why is it so important?"...on and on it went.
I was crushed. It killed the excitement for me. Then the crying came, mainly b/c I felt so bad, he was right in that I hadn't told him anything about anything when it came to the classes. I told him I had every intention in giving him all of the information, once I found the teacher but it just happens when I did find her, that day, that this was her schedule and she's the closest, best, etc.
Anyhow, we got through the emotional moments but I haven't heard from him whether he'll actually take the class. I've started to look into altrernatives but they're all hospital related and we aren't going to the hospital.
Than we started talking about my unilateral decision making. Another debate insued b/c I felt like was telling him here's this book, you should read this chapter but he would get pissed when I used the word "should". So I say, " I've been mentioning to you this chapter, you might like to read,etc." and he says to me "I don't take subtle hints" Well WT dude?! I can't suggest using the word should and I can't drop what I wouldn't call subtle hints, so what does he want me to do??? :
He wants me to "present" to him the info so he can understand where I'm coming from and how I making my decisions. Fair enough, I would have done that with the class situation had lack of time not been an issue.. but "present". What do you want? a powerpoint presentation? Of course, I didn't say this... tempted though.

Class aside, I feel better b/c there was some other stuff there I didn't understand about how he was feeling. Like another mama said, they are different and if there is anytime in a relationship that it's going to show is during pregnancy, especially a first one.

Thanks for the vent and thanks for talking about this stuff so we know we're not alone. s for all of us!

[PiePie]

[QUOTE=MajorGroover;7643524 this is an emotionally turbulent time when it's easy for misunderstandings to get blown out of proportion. I've been craving and drinking - gasp - coca cola! I used to criticize it so much, called it liquid candy, empty calories, etc. but now it tastes so good & settles my stomach. Weird.

Does anyone know what normal hospital fees are? I called mine to get a quote but got lost in the phone system & gave up...[/QUOTE]


DHs: I totally agree with Dee about this being a rough time for us emotionally -- it's easier for things to escalate than ever before -- I see stuff as symbolic of how he is going to be with baby and forever...

COKE: My MW, who is very whole foods oriented, actually RECOMMENDED Coca Cola Classic for my m/s. 8 sips first thing in the morning. It does help, and that much caffeine is no biggie for baby, I've done the research.

COST OF HOSPITAL BIRTH: Not sure what you mean. If you mean that you would be going for a hospital delivery with MWs attending, and that the hospital portion would not be covered by insurance (which happens if you have an HMO and the provider isn't covered, even if the hosp. is on their list of covered providers : ), it runs $20 K here in NYC. A little under half that you use the birthing center portion of the hosp., where you stay for a much shorter time. But still $$$$. Is your question about using an OB instead of a MW? I haven't looked into it, but I have heard that OBs charge $10-15K for their services. Note that these numbers assume no complications.

[dctexan]

Originally Posted by nikkihoi

Another debate insued b/c I felt like was telling him here's this book, you should read this chapter but he would get pissed when I used the word "should". So I say, " I've been mentioning to you this chapter, you might like to read,etc." and he says to me "I don't take subtle hints" Well WT dude?! I can't suggest using the word should and I can't drop what I wouldn't call subtle hints, so what does he want me to do??? :

This is an on-going issue in our house - not just pregnancy related. DH does NOT like direct "orders" nor does he like me to be subtle. Basically he doesn't want me to expect him to do anything (he will do what he wants to do and anything else is me trying to change or control him). So frustrating...it is one of those on-going discussions where I say "But what do you think a relationship IS? We have to do things FOR each other, and not just 'cause we WANT to but because the other person NEEDS us to." He just doesn't get it. I still haven't figured out a satisfactory way to deal with this issue so if you ever do you must share it with me!

[dctexan]

Dee - According to my midwife the estimated cost from her office for a non-medicated vaginal delivery is $2900 (if I need a c-section the cost jumps $500 because the OB will take over). I was also told I to expect a separate bill from the hospital, pediatrician, the anesthesiologist (if used), labs/pathology (if needed), & radiologist (if used) - I have no idea what those costs will be. I am pretty sure my insurance will be covering 90% of all costs (less the deductible).

I also HIGHLY recommend coca-cola for m/s. It helped me much more than gingerale! Of course I loved to drink coke before I got pg :

[Dee-Groovy]

Thanks PiePie & Emily, for estimating hospital fees & supporting my coke habit! I'm still weighing the costs/benefits of homebirth with a midwife versus hospital birth with an OB. Unfortunately there's no in-between available here. I know how much the OB will/would cost but I'm trying to find out how much the hospital will bill me. I have a $200 copay to walk in the door, then pay 20%, so I'm thinking the hospital fees could easily be as much as OB fees. Emily you mentioned a pediatrician bill - my mom was already telling me two weeks ago that I need to pick one out & how important it is. That seems so far away right now but I'm sure she's right. I think she has some left over anger & resentment towards the ped I had during infancy who didn't take her seriously when she told him that I cried 24hours a day with colic & formula allergies.

Emily sorry to hear your DH has let you down in the past when you assigned tasks to him - not such a good precedent for important baby-related stuff. I liked your idea to have him research the expensive baby stuff. I think you're right about being more willing to spend the $ on it when he has a good idea of what's out there & what it costs.

Nikkihoi sorry your DH doesn't get hints or take direct orders. I think it's normal - they're used to doing things if and when they want to. Without having the responsibilities of children makes them (us too!) very childlike in some ways. Since we feel the changes in our bodies we understand the gravity (no pun intended) of the situation but I don't think it really sinks in for them until they SEE the baby. I also had no idea that childbirth classes lasted for 12 weeks like that, so it probably just came out of the blue for him. I'm sorry the "discussion" went so badly & I hope it gets smoothed out soon. I loved your idea of powerpoint presentations - maybe you should do one just to be a smartass & see what he says!

[rock_dr]

nikkihoi: just a thought on childbirth classes. I was not down with 12 weeks of classes either, nor was dh. I am an information junkie - pretty much ordered and read Henci Goer, Ina May Gaskin, Sheila Kitzinger, and Dr. Sears books within a few months of finding out I was pregnant : . That's just how I learn: research research research.

We did a 1 day class with a local homebirth midwife and 2 doulas that work with her. Personally I did NOT learn much new. It was good for DH - good videos and such, but I think he is getting more out of reading The Birth Partner than if I'd asked him to do the extended classes. He thinks it's a better use of his time. Also, our doula does two long prenatal visits that include going over a birth plan (which is effectively reviewing L&D) and also massage/relaxation techniques. Plus, she'll BE there along with our awesome midwife and assistant (birth center). We feel really good about this level of preparation at this point.

anyway, just my experience - I wouldn't have gone for the 3 month class either but I know for some this is a great way to learn and connect with others.

[nikkihoi]

dctexan: I'll totally let you know what we come with (aside from powerpoint presentation ) Usually, we are very, very nice to each other, asking one another"could you please" or we give lots of "thank you"s to one another. We acknowlege each others efforts and communcate each others appreciation.
I guess these are just different waters completely. I'll keep you posted!

MajorGroover As mentioned above, we are usually so kind to one another. If he said "I should" do something, I would have freked on him too.
And we did end the evening on a good note, sorry I didn't make that clear. Just some more work to do. But that's what relationships consist of.. a labor of love for love. (that sounds cheesy but you know what a mean).
Oh! and I love your idea about actually doing a power point!

rock_dr: I'm not completely cool with the 12 weeks or at least starting them as soon as a week from now. I've been doing a lot reading and DH usually loves to read non fiction, research, informational stuff. That's why it's such a shock to me that he hasn't picked most of the books I have. (ok, he has been reading Dr.Sears pregnancy book a bit when I get into the next month). I just figured he would be so into reading about since he can't experiance it the same way.
Anyway.... we'll see about the classes.

[PiePie]

Dee, Check out your insurance's maximum on out-of-pocket expenses. That is our saving grace.

[Grace24]

Can't write long cuz now I'm craving Coke and I have to go get some!

I think the m/s is on its way, I felt queasy earlier and weak, huffing and puffing just to stand up. Weird, it's not like I'm even showing, why does standing up make me out of breath? I'm only 5 and a half weeks! I feel so useless today, just kind of lying around like a blob. I hope this passes! The "I feel great" phase of pregnancy is passing for now I think. Oh well, I'll take it one day at a time.

I actually was craving coke before reading all this, so it's good to know it's recommended by MW's! I'm having a hard time getting my coffee down but still have a bit of a caffeine addiction, so maybe this'll be a better substitute. I'm mixing mostly decaf with my caf these days when I make coffee, so maybe it's time to switch. I probably won't even miss it.

I'm still shaking off the fact that I ate bacon earlier. Bleah! But it was really good! Pregnancy is so confusing!

[beckyphry]

Julia, as soon as you get pregnant, your body starts making more blood. This speeds up your heart rate. I noticed it almost immediately. It would probably make you feel a bit weak, and be the cause of the huffing and puffing. Around 13 weeks you might also notice feeling short of breath -- it's weird, I was reading the Mayo Clinic's pregnancy book and it said that around 13 weeks you can experience shortness of breath as the body adjusts its breathing capacity to take in more air... and that was exactly when it was happening to me!

Pregnancy is WEIRD.

[Grace24]

That makes sense! I was priding myself on my lower heartrate from yoga...it used to regularly be in the 90's and more, until recently. The Tuesday that I believe we conceived, I went to the doctor and my heartrate was 70, the lowest yet. Not long after, two successive doctors' appts. and my heartrate was up to as high as 95...I was devastated! Now it makes sense and I feel a lot better that there's an explanation.

The huffing and puffing tends to come on when I start feeling a little nauseous and the exhaustion hits at the same time.

PS...I got my Coke. Yum...but then it just made me thirsty for water! Guess I should just drink little sips at a time, not half a can.

[PiePie]

Originally Posted by beckyphry

Pregnancy is WEIRD.

oh yeah

[amberbella]

My post marathon training heart rate had lowered to a resting rate of 48 bpm...now I'm up to 80 bpm resting...I kept thinking something was really wrong with me until I read about the increased blood flow thing.

I've started to experience the light-headedness and some ringing in the ears and dizzyness from time to time....FUN!

[dctexan]

Shortness of breath was also one of my first "symptoms" after getting my BFP. I remember trying to run when I was 5 weeks and it was so freaking hard! It has gotten better now, but I still feel short of breath much faster than I did before.

And I totally agree with everyone, pregnancy IS weird.

[hazieluna]

Funny, I think I was about 6 weeks pregnant and suddenly climbing the stairs in my house left me so winded, it took a couple of minutes to catch my breath. And then just a few weeks ago I started making this funny quick gasp of breath that scared the crap out of DH. It also took me by surprise.... that seems to have passed though.

So yeah pregnancy is weird... the laughing is still good though... I wish you all lots of chuckles as a symptom!

Btw is anyone else feeling overwhelmed? I feel like I have so much to do but I just don't know what to start with. I am buying my first CDs and a changing table this week. They don't offer the Bradley Method here, it's actually very limited choice of classes available. Me and DH have sort of given up on discussing names since it just makes us start arguing.... he's got really bad taste and he thinks I do too. I have this image of our baby being born and us not having agreed on anything yet. UGH... sorry.... just venting I guess.

[PiePie]

NAMES. my dh isn't "ready" to talk about them yet, so i have picked names in my head. ah, the freeedom of the imagination!

[jpiper0430]

Names? You mean I have to come up with a name for my baby? DH and I haven't even discussed names yet, so we haven't had the opportunity to argue over them.

Today has been another emotional day for me. I had my 12 week appointment and the midwife could not find the heartbeat with the doppler. She told me not to worry because she thinks she heard it for a few moments a couple of times. So now I have to go back on Thursday evening to try and find it again. If they don't find it then, it's straight to the hospital for an ultrasound.

Top this off with the fact that my boss doesn't get that I'm supposed to be taking it easy for a few weeks because of bleeding problems and I think I'm going to go insane. Why does he think that just because the last women here to have a baby didn't have any problems or restrictions that I'm making mine up. Plus, he knows I'm going on maternity leave for at least 12 weeks, likely starting in early October, but he keeps handing me these huge long-term projects that will be needing lots of attention in November! Grrr

Thanks for listening. I hope everyone else is having a great Monday!