Last name issues - Page 3

[~~Mama2B~~]

I think it depends on the father's planned role in the child's life. If he is going to be that baby's daddy, I think it's fine to give the baby his name. If he's a sperm donor and/or not planning on being terribly involved, give the baby your name.

With DH and I I hypenated my maiden name with his last name. He was bothered by this for a while but I explained to him that for 23 years I was a Taylor. I grew up in the Taylor family. No matter what happens, that will always be a part of who I am. Now, we are the Bond family together. Our children will be raised in the Bond family and that will be who they are. The fact that I am also a Taylor doesn't make me any less of a Bond, and the fact that I am now a Bond doesn't make me any less of a Taylor. Now he likes it and is happy that I hyphenated.

However, IMO I don't want our kids hyphenated because they are only coming from our family. If our daughters want to hyphenate when they marry I'll be thrilled.

I knew a boy who had both parent's names as a hyphenated last name. I kept thinking, "What if he marries some feminist type who wants to hyphenate her own name? Yikes!"

Kristi

[Mummytwice]

Originally Posted by ~~Mama2B~~

I think it depends on the father's planned role in the child's life. If he is going to be that baby's daddy, I think it's fine to give the baby his name. If he's a sperm donor and/or not planning on being terribly involved, give the baby your name.

..... of mice and men.


I would be careful with this thought. Intentions are wonderful things, action is a whole other thing.

[treereach]

Thought I'd post about my sit. just for fun. :

I was 4 mos preggo when I married DH. Had a child from a previous relationship (with my last name, I mean, come on, he can't even make it through the pregnancy without cheating, I'm sure not going to give him his last name )

So one day the issue came up about the baby's last name and subsequently my last name after getting married. And I started talking about what we were going to do because I didn't like the symbolism of changing my last name and having three Smiths and one Johnson (my DS1) all by himself. So I had the great idea that he should change his last name to mine when we got married (It actually wasn't my favorite idea. I wanted to make up a totally new last name, since neither of us care for the people that our last names come from, my 'D'Dad and his Grandfather) which could make things easy and only one person would have to change their name instead of two. (and DS1's dad is a good friend of DH's and there was an issue of changing DS1's last name from mine to DH's)

Unfortunately, before we even got too far along with discussing it, his family got involved and he was subjected to weekly sit-down lectures about how he was 'the man of the family' and worked really hard : and how he deserved to be respected by having his wife and kid have his last name and SS be damned.

Needless to say he now has my last name, and so do both my kids. Kind of unfortunate though, because we could have made up some really cool last name that meant something to both of us and symbolized our relationship to each other.

Too bad everyone tried to steamroll me.

Hope everything works out for you. I'd say try to sit down and discuss it carefully. Hopefully he'll be respectful and compromising like it sounds like you've been.

[~~Mama2B~~]

Originally Posted by Mummytwice

..... of mice and men.


I would be careful with this thought. Intentions are wonderful things, action is a whole other thing.

How pessimistic!

If the father to be is indifferent, scared, MIA, upset, etc. because of the pregnancy, he most likely isn't going to relish having an active role in the child's life. If he's excited, making plans with the mom, actively participating, he most likely will want to be in the child's life and to be the daddy. Whether or not he wants to be the DH in the future is not the issue.

No, we can't predict the outcomes all the time, but I can tell looking at the men I've dated in the past and my DH now which of them would've been deadbeats and which would have been good dads. DH is so excited to be a dad and so happy to have a family that there's no way he'd just bail on his child(ren) even if he and I split up (God forbid). True, some men will trick you, but after 9+ months together, it should be relatively clear what type of guy he is.

Kristi

[philomom]

Hyphenate.

My dh has a last name I hate. I love my last name. He didn't want the kids to just have my name since we are married, so the compromise is to hyphenate.

I have no problems with my kids re-naming themselves once I'm not footing their bills. For me, it was just a better way to give the mom (me) credit for the kids.

[mamawanabe]

My dh and I are hypenating our dcs' names. It is more my decision than his (not that he wants to do something else - he doesn't like hypenated names but he does see it as fair and symetrical).

Honestly, this would have been an important battle for me if he had balked. People choose the symbolics that are important to them, and this was one important to me.

I wouldn't be cool with family decisions about anything being dismissed out-of-hand. My dh isn't a big talker by nature, but being in a relationship demands that you consider the reasons why you do and don't want to do something and articulate/discuss those reasons with your partner.

[Sarahfina]

Wow there are a lot of responces here...I've not read them all so forgive me if I am repeating someone's experience....we were not married when DD was born, but we knew we would be in the near future (our legal marriage was always just a formality, our commitment was private between us) so we actually decided to hurry up and get married before the time limit to fill out DD's name registration was up, so we would all have the same last name. I did change my last name to DH's family name, something that I thought about for a bit, and well, your maiden name is your father's name, your married name is your husband's name, so I thought from a feminist perspective it didn't make a huge difference to me. My folks are divorced and my mother made up a new last name for herself because she didn't want to be tied to her ex husband or her father! A bit off topic...anyway, the reasons I decided to take my husband's name are for family continuity for our children and us, and also for simplicity in legal matters, documents, forms etc. My husband and I are from opposite sides of the world and travel frequently, not always together, and it was really important to me that our children have the same name as me, but also the same as him. It just made it more simple for me to change my name, and since we were commited to be together, it didn't bother me...plus his last name is easier for me to use in his homeland- my maiden name has letters in it that don't exsist in his alphabet and its always hard to explain! Anyway, I guess my overall thought is its nice to have one common name. How you do that in your siutation is up to you. I personally dont like hyphanated names, I think they are long winded and confusing. I like the idea of a four name -first, middle, 2nd middle (yr last name) and last (his last name).

As to getting your dp involved in important decisions, I always make many attempts and if my partner continues to say things like "I dont know" or "Just because" I will make sure it is clear to him that if he doesn't activly participate in the decision making process he will not be able to be a part of the decision at the end of the day...this has sometimes meant that I've made big decisions on my own, but I always point out that he chose to "watch baseball" instead....and he has to accept it..

Good luck naming your little one!

Sarahfina

[Mummytwice]

Originally Posted by ~~Mama2B~~

How pessimistic!

If the father to be is indifferent, scared, MIA, upset, etc. because of the pregnancy, he most likely isn't going to relish having an active role in the child's life. If he's excited, making plans with the mom, actively participating, he most likely will want to be in the child's life and to be the daddy. Whether or not he wants to be the DH in the future is not the issue.

No, we can't predict the outcomes all the time, but I can tell looking at the men I've dated in the past and my DH now which of them would've been deadbeats and which would have been good dads. DH is so excited to be a dad and so happy to have a family that there's no way he'd just bail on his child(ren) even if he and I split up (God forbid). True, some men will trick you, but after 9+ months together, it should be relatively clear what type of guy he is.

Kristi

Yes, you are right, that does sound a little pessimistic. That wasn't my intention. What I meant, and didn't say, was that I think there is a way to accommodate without giving up what you believe in.

Excitement and involvement can change for anyone once something becomes reality. This was my experience, and I will take this moment to own that. And, after some thought, it is a little OT.: Sorry.

I think the OP was bringing up wanting to have some of her heritage
in the baby's name. Not whether or not the father plans on being involved.

[deuxceleste]

Originally Posted by Mummytwice

I think the OP was bringing up wanting to have some of her heritage
in the baby's name. Not whether or not the father plans on being involved.

Yes

[*jeanine*]

I haven't read all the responses - sorry if this is a repeat.
I knew of a couple - married, but she kept her name. They gave their daughters his last name as a middle name, and her last name. They gave their sons her last name as a middle name, and his last name. Seemed like a "fair" way to do it.

[ladyleigh]

Not in your DDC but interesting topic! Good luck March Mama's!

I changed my name when we got married. My husband didn't ask me to, I did it as a 'surprise' and he WAS really happy. It was freakin' hard for me to do and still, 3 years later, it makes me cringe sometimes. Mostly just because his family is so different from mine and I don't feel connected to them at all. I know that is harsh to say and they are loving people, but, well... anyway...

The reason I changed my name was because I wanted to have a family name. My maiden name (which was just given to me by my father anyway- not really 'my name') is difficult to pronounce and to hyphenate it would be too much of a mouthfull. I wanted all of us to have the same name, so I went for it.

If I could do it again, I think I would just try to come up with an entirely new last name. Not sure how my DH would feel about that- I haven't asked.

In thinking about first names we have been considering some names that have been in my family for generations. But, its not like my family is perfect either, and part of me wants this kid to be free of any lingering unhealthy traits. Does giving them the name bring along the energy? Good and bad?

[~~Mama2B~~]

Originally Posted by Mummytwice

Yes, you are right, that does sound a little pessimistic. That wasn't my intention. What I meant, and didn't say, was that I think there is a way to accommodate without giving up what you believe in.

Excitement and involvement can change for anyone once something becomes reality. This was my experience, and I will take this moment to own that. And, after some thought, it is a little OT.: Sorry.

I think the OP was bringing up wanting to have some of her heritage
in the baby's name. Not whether or not the father plans on being involved.

That makes sense. I agree too. DH and I have talked about changing our family name to something else. I hyphenated on my driver's license but I use my maiden name on some things and my married name on others. I like having both as a part of my name, but I'd change it to a common one if we chose something together.

Both of our ancestors came through Ellis Island and had their surnames' botched. Neilsen became Nelson on my mom's side and Bonaventura became Bond on his dad's side. We are both mutts- our kids will be German, Norwegian, African American, Italian, Jewish, Irish and who knows what else. We're thinking of finding a last name that got lost somewhere in our family tree and using it as our own. I loooove Bonaventura. I think it sounds cool. DH is more interested in finding something from the Jewish ancestors, since it would compliment our religious belief too, but there so many options to explore. I'm happy though, since I don't really care for his last name and seriously, the James Bond jokes are wearing thin.

Another thing we had discussed was usig my last name as a middle name for the kids. My maiden name is Taylor, which works as a boy or girl name pretty well. We decided against it, since I want to have fun with the names of our kids, but that's another option.

Good luck!

Kristi

[mntnmom]

I took DH's name, I was never really attached to mine (my dad's) anyway and it simplified the whole thing. But 2 of the kids have middle names from my family, and I had final "veto authority" on all the names.
I think it's important that DP realize you are not trying to diminish his role at all. You just want yourself reflected in the child's name too! Once upon a time when we got married and had kids, we gave up our own identity (Mrs. John Doe). But, the kids are half you too!