Originally Posted by catgirl
Ds just got out of bed and already it's gone wrong. He seemed to be looking for conflict. That's OK - but when he starts shoving his fist near my face, pushing me, grabbing my wrists and beiung aggressive that's NOT OK! He was trying to express his feelings by hurting me. Obviously, I can't send a message that it's OK to do that. I held him off me but he wouldn't stop. I told him I would let go as soon as he did (becasue I didn't want him to learn that being intimidating would get im what he wants) but he wouldn't. I ended up snarling in his face.
I just was unable to keep my cool. This was all because he wanted to do something which he'd already been told he couldn't do (for various good reasons) and he couldn't handle being told no. It's NOT OK to be physically aggressive and threatening to people. We don't do that to him. It's not OK for him to do it to other poeple. I can't just let him do that and act as if it doesn't matter. This isn't about finding solutions that work for everyone - I can't work with him to find solutions if he's doing his best to phsically hurt and intimidate me.
I feel sick to my stomach.
And here I was last night telling dh that we need to cultivate loving detachment. Obviously, I just failed miserably at that.
Sweety, I am probably going to be flamed for this, but this is my suggestion. I have had this work to good effect for me, though it's probably not AP.
When the child becomes violent, I take him into his room, and pull the door shut behind myself, leaving him there. I hold the door closed, and I simply repeat, "I love you, and when you're done venting your anger and are ready to reason together with me, I will let you come out. I cannot, however, and will not allow you to attempt to injure me. Such behavior is not appropriate." Then I begin again, "I love you, and when you're done..."
I know it's not CL or AP, but at the same time, sometimes you need a transition into those things, IMO.
I realize that it's more popular on these boards to be perfectly AP, but we're not all able to do that, all the time. When you have times like this, I think it's better to shut him in his room so that neither one of you gets hurt, than to end up snarling at him, or having to physically restrain him in that manner.
This is just my opinion, you know? Maybe someone else will have better advice for you.
The thing to remember, though, is to not LOCK HIM IN. You should be there, holding the handle of the door. This should be done only so long as you are able to be present and speaking to him lovingly through the door.
It is NOT acceptable, and I am NOT advocating, locking a child into a closet, or even into their room. Holding the door past the moments when they are attempting to be a physical danger to you is NOT acceptable. (This is my disclaimer before everyone says, "OMG, you said to lock the baby in his bedroom!)