Single Lesbian Parent At Age 20

[jor86syd4life]

Okay so I'm gonna go on my first obgyn visit next week,: which will to me be hard but, if all goes well and she tells me I can have children what are your thoughts?? Do you feel that I am too young ,do you think it would be okay to be a young single mom... I mean will my child suffer? Both my parents died before I was 18 and it really affected me.Im not trying to jump the gun but do you think that a single parent with no parents is okay for a child growing up??

At this point I'm soo focused on having a baby but those are just a few thoughts in my head.

[lanamommyphd07]

who's to say whether 20 is too young or your situation is too isolated to have a youngin. The thing I had to wonder is, with you being so young, have you had a chance for adult relationships yet? Falling in love, sowing your oats, all that cool stuff that the 20s are for? I can imagine (now bear in mind I waited to do the kid thing until 37) that I would have been a wayyyy different parent had I done this at 20, while I still had a decade of wildness in my veins. Who can tell whether I would have immediately settled down, or suddenly changed my mind and regretted it when princess charming #1 (or 2 or 3 or 4) came along--I learned so much about life from those partners that I will be able to share with the offspring. I remember wanting to have a kid when I was about 21, but looking back--I was just plain lonely. Glad I waited it out and became a bit more confident and sought out some folk my age to know first. But then again--that biological clock it does tick so--mine started to be really loud at about 18, and I had to constantly remind myself to go get an education about kids and parenting and whatnot to be the very best I could be for my little one. That's something to consider for you too, since you won't have a lot of family support to rely on. Okay--there's my brain dump for now. I say think on it for at least a year, do a little research and planning, and see what life hands you to play with.

[Sijae]

Young people can be good parents too. It's actually quite a modern phenomena to be having children so late. It is however difficult to raise a child all by yourself. I wonder if you've thought through your goals and exactly what kind of parent you want to be. From pregnancy and birth to infancy and childhood there are so many choice to be made. I wonder why you are going to an OBGYN to get the go ahead for pregnancy and why you are asking for reassurance here. it makes me think that you are not secure about your choices and are looking for people outside of yourself to tell you what you can and can't do. I think the biggest prerequisite to being a good parent is a kind of fearlessness and sense of purpose to do what you know to be right and who cares about the nay-sayers.

My suggestion is to cancel the appointment you obviously are dreading. OB's suck big time and if it's "hard" for you to do that's not a defect in you it's a defect in the system. So own your body and make choices that you feel good about. if you are wanting to talk to someone experienced in reproduction, i would suggest finding a lay midwife to see.

I would also think very long and hard about what kind of life you and your child would have. i don't know the particulars of your situation but unless you are independently wealthy, you would be giving your baby up to be raised at daycare the majority of the time. i don't know about you but for me that's a deal-breaker.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that even if you are a lesbian and you are wanting a child that doesn't mean you need to get pregnant right now by yourself. You could wait and read and plan and look for a partner to do it together. Even if you only wait a year then it will be a year well spent reading about things like nutrition, birth choices, circumcision, vaccinations, daycare, education, parenting etc.

good luck,

Laura

[Sijae]

ooops, just read your other post so I get the dr. thing.

Laura

[mama2rey]

Having a child at 20? I'm 34 and have a few friends who had a child at 20. It can be done. I think when you are young you have more energy to care for a child. Many people are waiting until they are much older, but I think things are different for everyone.

I waited until I was 34 to start trying for many reasons. I wanted to have a child when I was 18, however I knew that there were many things that I wanted to do. I finished college, got my masters degree, started a career, bought a house, dated so many kids of people, travelled etc......... I met my DP 6 years ago, and we developed a great relationship together. I feel like I have trully developed who I am and have done many things and feel ready to do all this. I can't imagine what my life would have been like if I had a child at 20. I don't think that I could have done even half the things I did. The wonderful thing about your 20's is that you get to be irresponsible and you can get away with it. I also spent alot of time getting to know myself and learning to be someone who can be alone.

I don't want to tell you to not have a baby right now. I don't know your circumstances. I do want you to think about how it's likely that you have years and years ahead of you to have a child. Also-are there things that you never did that you want to do before having a child?

I keep thinking about my friend who had a child when she was 20. Her son is now in high school. I love them both dearly. I know that my friend has struggled. She has not been able to finish school, and there have been times when she has struggled financially, trying to deal with daycare, and family support, etc...... It's been hard. It's also hard when you are older.

So the bottom line is it doesn't matter how old you are-a good parent comes from what's within, not the number of years you have been on earth. Just please give some thought to why you want to do this now-versus say when you are in your late 20's? If you were to wait, what are some of the things that you'd like to do?

Please post what you decide, and how the appointment goes.

[CynicalStar]

Originally Posted by expectantmami

I don't want to tell you to not have a baby right now. I don't know your circumstances. I do want you to think about how it's likely that you have years and years ahead of you to have a child. Also-are there things that you never did that you want to do before having a child? ......
So the bottom line is it doesn't matter how old you are-a good parent comes from what's within, not the number of years you have been on earth. Just please give some thought to why you want to do this now-versus say when you are in your late 20's? If you were to wait, what are some of the things that you'd like to do?

Ditto! Having a baby will change your life forever. It's an awesome experience to raise a child! And I truly hope you get to experience this joy, whenever you decide you are ready.

But yes, make sure you are prepared for this change. For sleepless nights, for low cash flow, for losing all your non-parent friends, for relying only on yourself since you'll most likely be too protective of your child to let any new partner into your life by dating, for being 100% responsible for another life no matter how sick or tired or frazzled you are.

I have the utmost respect for single moms - but I really don't know how they manage.

[gamitzer]

For me, age 20 would have been way too young to have a child. I was still in college, had no idea what I wanted to do for a living, and still mostly depended on financial support from my parents. If I think back on what made me think I was ready to have children, I'd be looking at age 26. At that time I was in a loving relationship, finally doing a job I enjoyed, was making a decent salary with good health benefits, and almost had my car paid off. At that time, I was ready, but my wife, who was 24 at the time, was not. She was still in college and wanted some more time to enjoy life outside school. So here we are 3 years later, both agreeing that now is the perfect time.
I don't want to discourage you, and there are tons of happy young moms on MDC, but I would wait. When me and my wife starting discussing my yearning to have kids, she helped me realize that just because we could try didn't mean we had to. Babylust is incredibly powerful, but children totally change your life. I would take some time to talk to doctors about your fertility (I know that is a concern for you), and do some thinking about what you think your day-to-day life will look like with a child in your care. Maybe also talk to some younger single moms to see what their lives are like.
Good luck with whatever decision you make!
Meredith

[lexbeach]

I wanted a baby so badly that I definitely considered becoming a single mama . . . at age 19. Dw and I had only been together for about 6 months then, and I still had 3 years of college ahead of me. It absolutely did not seem like the right time to have a baby, but it was all I could think about. It seemed like everything would be more fun once we had our baby. But it really wouldn't have been "our" baby because dw was not at all ready for that then. I eventually decided to wait because I realized that I did not want to be a single mom. In the interim, we got puppies instead! They were a very good distraction, and introduction to "motherhood." We decided to wait until I graduated from college to start ttc. I got pregnant a month after turning 22. My twins were born 9 months to the day after my college graduation! Dw and I LOVE being young mamas, and don't regret starting early at all. But if I were single, I think I would have waited longer. Being a single mama is *really* hard. I know because I get to experience it for a month every summer when dw is working in Alaska (4,000 miles away). I think it would be a lot harder to meet prospective soulmates after you have a baby.

So, if I were you, I'd focus on finding love, and wait a couple years on the baby thing. But I can definitely understand the yearning for a baby. And btw, I was totally right . . . everything is so much more fun with our kids in the mix!

Lex

[FtMPapa]

In a similar boat...

I'm inseminating in about 3 weeks. I'm 26 and I have zero relationship with my parents. They're not dead, but they might as well be in most ways.

I'm a planned single parent, too. I feel secure in my choice. I've been planning to become a parent for about four years. Four years ago, I told myself I (well, actually, we - I was partnered at the time) were on a five year plan. That seemed like a reasonable time frame to me.

Since then, I have finished university and I will have completed my master's degree and started a PhD program before the baby is born.

I'm doing it this way - and at this age, which is still considered quite young - because of a family history of both ovarian cancer and other gynecological issues resulting in my aunt having a hysterectomy in her 30s. I have been diagnosed with the same condition - adenomyosis - and so I know that if I don't have a child now, I may never be able to.

Also, as a PhD student, I have the luxury of a flexible schedule - not a lot of money, but lots of flexibility, and I would rather be a young broke parent than an older slightly less broke, but not exactly flush, parent.

I'm laying all of this out so that you can get a sense of the choices I made. It's a big decision, make sure to carve yourself out a plan. Remember, lots of people wait for the "perfect" time to have kids and they end up waiting forever. There is no perfect time, but some times are better than others.

[fuller2]

Why do you want to have a baby?

Are you prepared for things no one expects, like: a special needs child?

Do you have health insurance?

Do you have any credit card debt? Other debt?

What is your income? How will you have an income once the baby is born? Who will care for your baby while you are working? (You know that as a single mom, your dreams of baby-cuddling all day long are not very realistic unless you can manage to live on welfare, and that most welfare programs now require that you get a job within a year or two, right?)

Do you know how much child care costs? How will you pay for it?

Where do you live? Do you have friends who can help you? Do you live in a safe, lead-free space? Do you live alone or do you have roommates?

Do you know anyone else who has kids or is going to have them? Mothering can be very lonely, and single mothering without peers who also have kids can be very VERY lonely. You may have a very hard time meeting anyone to date or even new friends.

When you're a single mother, you can't leave your house after the baby goes to sleep. I went for what seemed about 2 years without walking outside in the dark. Are you prepared to have your life truncated in that way?

What else do you want to do with your life? Do you want to become skilled at something that earns you--and your child--a living? How and when will you make that happen?

I see a desire for a child, but I don't see that you have really sat down and thought about the practical realities. If you are going to do this alone at age 20, you really need to have your financial situation figured out first, and have the first 4-5 years at least of this kid's life more or less planned.

Now--it's not to say that it can't be done. In some ways it makes sense to have kids young. Then, when they go to school, you can start your career and not worry about derailing it when you have a baby. But--I wouldn't have that kid until you have your college degree or whatever training you need to start that career, otherwise you may find yourself in an extremely difficult financial situation that will be very hard to get yourself out of.

It is difficult because you will have to spend all your time working at a low-wage job to support yourself, and you will not have time to finish a degree etc. to bump yourself up to the next level. Again, people have done it--but not without tremendous sacrifice.

Have you thought about going into early childhood education or child psychology or even medicine to become a pediatrician? Or becoming a lactation consultant? If you want to love and help children that might be a way to do it while you get yourself ready to have your own.

Being a foster mother might also be an option for you, depending on how open-minded the agencies are. There are many babies who need someone to love them when their parents can't...and you also might be able to help out another child who's lost their parents.

[wemoon]

I'm a single parent of 2 kids. I had my first one when I was 21. I was not single at the time the kids were born, but was shortly after.

I'd have to say that the single most difficult thing to do in my life is be a single mom. Money is a constant worry. I'm on so many social service programs so that I can afford rent, health care etc. I finally got myself back to school (I'm going to be 30 in a couple months) and feel like soon I'll really be able to financially support my family.

I don't want to be a downer on single parent families, because life hasn't been bad for me, just not easy. It takes some clever planning to make it all work. I'd just make sure that you really think about the questions that the other people have asked and ensure that everything is in order. Make sure that you have a decent paying job because otherwise you'll be filling out piles of paperwork to receive financial services.

Also, I found that other lesbians arn't as quick as men can be to accepting a woman with kids. I fortunately found one, but if you are thinking that you would like to be partnered someday, it may be wiser to wait until then to have a child. Dating with kids is hard, frustrating and scarey.

Just throwing out what has gone on in my life, definitely not trying to persuade you from being a single mama by choice, becuase there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. I just really hope that you think about every little detail before making a final decision.

[Hootandflutter]

once a single queer mom possible always a single queer

I had my first child at 18, and now am 25 and the mother of three. I LOVE being a mom, I am glad I did it when I did, and even being single has not been so bad (right now I coparent with someone and we live apart).

The worst part of being a single queer mom for me is the unavailability of partners my age who are willing to take on a woman with kid(s). Sometimes I feel like I'll never find anyone. Most women under 25 don't want to parent right then. This is even more true of queer women. For this reason alone, I'd recommend waiting.

You should also check out the book The Motherhood Manifesto, that describes how in the U.S., motherhood often condemns women to poverty. Single moms make even less than married moms and married moms make less than women and women make less than men. We're talking about a 46% wage gap. That and daycare. Day care stinks. If you can be a single mom w/o putting your kids in day care, and have a large pool of potential partners, go for it.

[urchin_grey]

I had my DS at 20 and I know that that was the right age for me... however, I had a partner at the time and even now that we aren't together, he still supports me 100% fianancially so I guess I'm not what you would traditionally call "single".

Anyway, the age part isn't what would worry me, the "doing it all alone" would be the hard part to me. Honestly, I'm 99% sure that I couldn't have made it on my own... but I don't know you, maybe you're just a lot stronger than me.

[tatangel19]

I had my first DD at 16, and it was the hardest thing I have ever done. I was a single teenage parent, I was working and schooling full time, and I had no peers with kids(at least not responsible ones) I was lucky to have had several relationships with men and women where my DD was treated with kindness and love, but I had to be very choosy about who I spent my time with. I think the advantage that you have that I did'nt was as a lesbian as opposed to a bi woman you will never have an ''oops''. I am not telling you you should not have a baby, only that speaking from experience it will be 100,000 times harder than you think it will. I wish you the best of luck on your journey, and if you want to talk further feel free to PM me. BTW, my DD is now 8, is very smart and well adjusted, and calls my partner of 7 years Daddy. It can be done!

[max_4477]

I don't think 20 is too young to have a child.

I don't think being a single mum with no parents is bad for the child.

I totally understand babylust. I am one who wanted to have a kid when I was 19 as well. I ended up making a plan for myself and becoming a single queer parent at 25 instead, b/c when I personally set it all down on paper that was the time frame it took me to feel like I had enough set up to make it a good go for me ($ saved up, time off from work & a job I could return to, good support in my local community, get some practical skills from working with children more...).

Yes it is hard being a young single queer mama. I'm sure it is harder without your own parents to turn to (and I'm sorry for your loss, hon).

There is no right or wrong about when to become a parent. Just what you think will be best for you & your family-to-be.

FWIW, I met my now life partner when I was 26 and my kid was a year old. I went in expecting I might always be a single parent and ended up partnered to a wonderful woman.

I would encourage you to, if you haven't already, take time to retreat/sit with your self (I did solo camping trips for this, but whatever works for you) and figure out your goals and how to make them happen. I had a kid when I realised that there were no other things left I would regret not doing if I died next week. And then I embarked on the process of getting ready to, and having the kid. (Which took a few years for me!)

Best wishes on your journey!

[Phoenix_Rising]

i think that "too young" is very subjective. i am 28 and have a one year old son. that said, i have "been ready" to have a babe since i was about 20. i thought. because of many things - my emotional issues i struggle with, financial issues within our family (single income for 3 people - my DW is unable to work), many many many other things now i can look back and *know* that we waited until the right time to get pregnant. you never could have convinced me it would be good to wait though
i think that fuller2 brought up some really good questions for you to think about. remember it is a forever thing, this wonder known as motherhood. good luck on your journey!