How to help friend with daughter's death?

[motherdownunder]

A good friend phoned me this morning to tell me that her 16 month old daughter was killed in a car accident yesterday. It's so unreal, like a nightmare. There were over here only the day before.

Can anyone tell me how to help her deal with this? She is extremely sensitve and cries at the drop of a hat so I can't imagine how she will ever cope with this tradgedy. She still has her 3 year old son to look after still. She'll be 40 this year and had 4 (late) miscarriages in her struggle to have two children so I don't know if she'll have another or if that would even help. It certainly wouldn't replace dear little Maeve.

She pretty much only has two friends nearby. Me, with a 3 week old baby, and another friend who's little girl is a couple months older than Maeve. We all have 3 year old boys as well who are friends. I feel like we really need to be there for her but that it will be too hard for her to see us with our children. Just meeting my newborn son for the first time (2 weeks ago) had her in tears because Maeve was going to be her last baby.

What can I do to help her?

Mary

[Ms. Mom]

Mary,

So very, very sorry. What a horrible tragedy. It's going to be very hard to come to any terms with this type of loss.

I spent the greater part of yesterday with a friend who's 5 yr. old died in December. We said his name a LOT and when she welled up with tears I just let her. I didn't try to sugar coat it or make some comment about angles in heaven. She's angry with God and hurting in ways that only a greiving mother could understand.

Your friend needs to know your there. Say her daughters name - don't be afraid of the tears and possible rage that may follow. She needs to be able to express her fellings. There are some really good books out there on loss. Two sources that come to mind are Chinaberry and Caring Concepts. I'll look up the websites in the next day for you or you can do a search for them.

I wish you gentleness as you travel this road with your friend. It's going to be a very difficult journey.