How to deal with pushing?

[Britishmum]

Until very recently dd (32 months) has been really gentle with the baby. (now 10 months and crawling/pulling up)Now she's started pushing the baby over. It's got much worse the past couple of days. She keeps pushing her over when she's sitting, often by pushing her fingers hard in her face, often in her eyes, hard. Sometimes it's because the baby is near her toys, but often just for the heck of it.

I'm at a loss for how to deal with it. She's very verbal and tells me she's doing it, that she's not being gentle today, nor is she going to share or let her sister have toys, even that it makes everyone sad, but two minutes later she does it again.

Yikes, just as I was posting this she whacked her over the head with the hoover attachments.

Help??!!

[Quillian]

I know exactly what your going through. Ds who is 30 mo does this to his 10 mo old brother and has on and off for quite sometime. Yes he also tells me-knocka b over! Sometimes it comes out of the blue but often it is because Ds is tired or I'm not giving him enough attention. I continue to say this hurts Andrew and then I make a fuss over Andrew so he dosent get any response positive or negative. If He continues I ask him to leave the room until he can be nice-this works as he dosent want to miss anything. Its so sad when the younger one has no idea why their hero is hurting them I think the younger brother is going to be a bigger toddler so I'm sure these batttles will be a bit more fair one day although I'm not looking forward to being the referee. anyway I guess I didn't help much But I think its a pretty common thing.
Meg

[Piglet68]

I'm not dealing with a toddler yet, and I've only just begun doing serious research on GD, so take this suggestion as a "best guess". Do you think your son is wanting more attention from you? Add to that, jealousy issues over the baby, perhaps.

Maybe you could set aside some playtime for just you and your son where he directs the play and you follow along. The book "Playful Parenting" suggests this as a way to connect with your child. I highly recommend reading it.

[Mommiska]

Hi - this idea is from the books by Faber and Mazlish (I'd highly recommend any/all of them).

You need to protect your little one, but your oldest dd also needs to hear that you understand her own frustration (about whatever). So they suggest removing the offending child and telling them firmly something along the lines of, 'I cannot allow you to [hit/push/shove/etc] dd2. But you seem frustrated/angry/whatever, so you can hit this pillow and show me how angry/whatever you are'.

Then dd1 knows that there are limits (she can't hurt her little sister), but she knows that you understand and accept her negative feelings. The stories in the books are amazing...just by letting our children express their negative emotions in a safe way, we allow them to move beyond them to be able to feel positive ones for their siblings.

It might be worth a try (or several tries!).

The books really are great...

[Britishmum]

Thanks so much everyone-

Piglet, you are right about the attention, I need to find more individual time for dd, but it's so hard now the baby can't be left for a minute or she's into something. I think it will be easier when she's walking and is more fun, and able to get outside to run around with dd. I'll work at finding regular spots in the day for dd - I'm always holding or chasing the baby, it must be so frustrating for her.

Carolyn, I have Siblings without Rivalry but havent read it for a while. Somehow I just get embroiled in the situation and don't see the whole picture. Guess it comes with sleep deprivation - plus jet lag, we were in the UK last week and our routine and sleep has gone to pot.

I've been forgetting to acknowledge how dd feels and that it's OK to be annoyed with the baby. We also need to work out some systems for her to keep her stuff away from the crawling baby - although right now she insists every item in the house is hers, even gifts she's seen given to the baby, right down to the can opener or potato peeler - aaagh.

New energy and positive thinking today. Thanks!

[Mommiska]

I'm just finishing up 'Siblings without Rivalry' at the moment, so it's all fresh in my mind. I was just saying to dh today, though, that I'd need to keep at least one of the Faber & Mazlish books by the side of the bed for the rest of our children's childhoods and read a little bit every night, just as a reminder...

And with jet lag as well...sounds a bit of a nightmare - hope you are all well-rested soon.

I see you just became a senior member - congrats! Any ideas for a new name?