HSC/anger managment/GD

[purposefulmother]

I have a 7 yr old HSC (highly sensitive child). If you're not familiar with HSCs, I think that the best way to describe them is that little things that won't bother other children and seem like they shouldn't be a big deal ARE a big deal. I'm not a HS Adult and sometimes it's difficult for me to know the best way to react to him.

Today we had some errands and it was past lunch time when we finished so we stopped and got sandwiches from a deli on the way home. Ds was carrying his lunch into the house when he spilled his drink. DD came out and reported that there had been a spill and that her brother was angry, to which I replied, "Oh, I'm sure he's not too angry, we'll just get it cleaned up and get another drink." I got the baby out of the car and came in to find...

...my 7 year old crying. He said, "I threw my lunch away! I'm never eating again and I hate juice!" I was taken aback because but stayed calm. I said, "I'm sorry your juice spilled; let's clean it up and get something else to drink. I bet you'll feel better after you eat." And HE said, "DIDN'T YOU HEAR ME?! I THREW it away and I'm NEVER eating again!" He proceeded to do a sloppy job of cleaning up the mess. Then he kept on with this never eating again bit. SO over the top!! Did I mention he's SEVEN?!!!

His lunch wasn't in the trash but in the sink, so I got it, put it on a plate, poured some juice from him, and said, "Ok, let's just have lunch, no harm done!" And HE said, "I'm not eating that!", then pushed the cup away from him so that it spilled juice everywhere. Then he grabbed the plate and put it in the sink and turned the water on so that it got too soggy to eat. I mean, a real temper tantrum.

He cleaned up the second mess, then YELLED at me. "I wish you'd never feed me, I hate lunch! I'm running away!" I wiped his tears and said, "You look SO angry, honey! I'm sorry that your juice spilled but really, it's not a big deal... let it go." His sister offered to give her juice to him and he dumped it on the floor. Just having a regular temper tantrum. So now she's crying, he's crying, I want to cry... I got down on his level and said, "Son, you need to stop it. Your sister was trying to help you. No one did anything mean to you, and it is unacceptable for you to act like this." He said, "FINE! I'm going to my room!" and stomped off and slammed the door.

So I took a breath, got little sister settled, and sat down and ate MY lunch before I felt like dealing with him. I went to his room...and there he was in the window, window wide open, about to climb out!! I said, "What do you think you are doing?!" and he said, "Just getting some fresh air." I closed the window and locked it, and said, "Fresh air is in the back yard if you'd like some."

I'm still really ticked off at him and not feeling much like gentle disciplining, actually. I just don't get him, when such small things set him off (are all kids with sensory processing issues like this???), and I don't know how to respond.

So anyway. What do you think I might have done differently that would have diffused the situation? Or might try now for damage control?

[Roar]

Have you read The Explosive Child? If not, that may help.

It sounds like an exhausting time being him - and being his mom. Ultimately he decided what he needed was to take a break. Is that something you are using as a regular strategy? If not, at a calm moment, I'd talk a bit about managing emotions and the importance of taking a break. "After we take a break, let's try to find a solution". Learning to catch it before that escalation helped a lot here. If you haven't already done so, if the child understands math it may help to get some kind of emotion scale - like 1 to 5 or 1 to 10 where they understand like a thermometer the more intense the higher the number. This helped us a lot to have a common language - six means we can't solve this problem until we take a break.

For our son saying "your lunch is still okay" or "it isn't a big deal" is just fuel for the fire because it feels like we are dismissing his feelings. He doesn't want us to tell him a solution - but he does want to hear that together we can find a solution.

[Eman'smom]

Ds is almost 6 I can soooo relate.

What seems to be working for us is when I start to see him getting upset (note he's escalating, not already upset). I say in a firm attention getting voice, not mean or yelling, "is this something we cry about?" If I can get to him before he looses it, it helps him realize that he doesn't need to break down, and that there is a way to fix the problem (I need to "break in" to the meltdown). That there are certain stiuations that call for crying, but not all KWIM?

For us it's the carseat, he wants to buckle himself in, but can't always get the clip secure, he used to always break down in a hysterical screaming fit, instead of saying "mom I need help today". He's getting better, now he asks for help through tears


As far as the sandwich, since he was already upset, I would have just ignored the upsetness (for us talking about being upset makes him more upset). I would have said, "ok you don't want to eat that is fine, would you like to sit with us while we eat, or xyz, while we eat" (read a book ect).

[blessed]

It's never about the juice. What do you suppose was really eating him?

[Spanish Rose]

Oh, I've got them too. And when their blood sugar is low...ouch. Good job not losing it.

Water often helps with my kids. At that age, I might bring them into the bathroom and just start to VERY gently wash their face, or run them a bath, or even just fill up the kitchen sink and have them splash--it's just water. "Kids, Parents and Power Struggles" has some great ideas for soothing kids. Baisically, figure out what sooths and calms your child, and then do those things as soon as they begin to fret.

"Dealing With Disapointment" is even better, with lots of ideas on teaching coping skills.

But the really hard part is when they just melt, and can't stop. All bets are off. If they'll use coping skills, great. If they'll eat/have a glass of water, great. If not, I usually pray. And empathize. Reflect feelings. "Wow, it must have been really discouraging to spill the juice. Sometimes, when I've had a hard day, something small will set me off. Is that what's happening here?" Baisically just get them responding to you, so you can work with them.

Good luck--you sound like you're trying really hard!

[purposefulmother]

Thanks, mamas, for the input. I have some reading to do, I think I've not read either of the books mentioned but they sound like they might be helpful. I really like the idea of having him use a scale, he loves math, so that might really appeal to him.

Yeah, I did mess up with telling him, "it's not a big deal." That's what is so hard for me sometimes, because to me, and to my other kids, it's NOT a big deal, but to him, it IS.

And no, it wasn't about the juice. What WAS it about? I don't know!! He's a real type-A, perfectionist, which adds to the difficulties of the sensory processing stuff.

We had a great evening, though. We pretended to be robots and talked in robot voices, and so on. Being robots at dinner time we all spilled a little bit of our water, and ds thought that was just ducky.

[mom22girls]

Originally Posted by Spanish Rose

Reflect feelings. "Wow, it must have been really discouraging to spill the juice. Sometimes, when I've had a hard day, something small will set me off. Is that what's happening here?" Baisically just get them responding to you, so you can work with them.

Good luck--you sound like you're trying really hard!

I highly recommend "Parent Effectiveness Training," for empathy, reflecting feelings, and coaching kids to work though issues on their own. From your last post, it sounds like you know what you're doing, but you had a bad episode!