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Do you ever feel rejected by mainstream mothers? - Page 2

post #21 of 56
Have you considered asking them? Invite the one who seems most approachable to do something -- come for playtime and lunch, whatever. If they say no, ask them then, and if they say yes, ask when they come over. Tell her that you feel somewhat out of place in the group, and you're wondering if you do something that makes them uncomfortable.
post #22 of 56
I've always been "odd girl out". In high school I was the fat kid and the smart kid. Later in life I was divorced. Then a single mom. Always a bit of a hippie. Now at 52 with a 10 month old, I'm too old for moms with kids my son's age and women my age don't want to be around the baby. And neither group understands my style of parenting or living for that matter.

Where can I find 50 year old hippie, witchy, whole foods with occasional junk food, disposable diapering, noncircing, sometimes vaccinating, homeschooling, parents of infants in New Jersey?:
post #23 of 56
Why not see if you can find a Tribe of local moms? Or go to a LLL meeting and make friends with those moms? I know with my local "tribe" there are some of us who click well and make plans outside the group. We don't try to hide that fact but we also don't make plans in front of the group because it's rude. I have found that a couple of good girlfriends are better than the biggest playgroup in the world.

post #24 of 56

LLLI meetings is an excellent idea! You will meet likeminded women there and find valuable alliances also.
post #25 of 56
I do have one other mama, my best friend and our children are close in ages and get along great. But she is moving in a couple of weeks 4 hours away. So, the search is on for a)someone for my children to play with b) someone for me to hang with.
post #26 of 56

Dakota's mom you are just in the wrong place:)

I would warm right up to you in a heartbeat even though my youngest is 5
post #27 of 56
This is a great thread. I have experienced this often as well. When I first had my son (now 3 yrs), a friend who had her baby several days later and I went to a Mom's group. We were the only ones there who breastfed! We decided that we didn't belong there.

I think when you do things differently, it says a lot about who you are. Someone mentioned the herd mentality. I am used to going against the herd most of the time, so I feel like I have spent a great deal of time by myself. Sometimes I simply take the time to enjoy what I do have rather than what I don't have. Because really, do I want to be with people simply to be with people or does the quality of people around me count more than that.

I have had disagreements with people who think along the same lines I do, (EBF, no-vax, no circ, holistic or alternative med). People are just people moving along dealing with their own "stuff". I try to remind myself that no matter what, anyone crossing my path has something for me and me for them. It's all in how we use what finds it's way before us on our path.

I hope this helps. As you can tell from this thread, there are others out here that have stood in your shoes.

Be well.

Melissa Z.
post #28 of 56
I wish I knew where the right place was. I am so tired of being alone in all this. I need community. Even though I live 10 minutes from New York City, I have no community around me, just lots of people.
post #29 of 56
Just wanted to add: I live far away (Southern California) from the place I grew up (Connecticut) with no family close by. It has been great for my marriage as my hubby and I have been forced to figure things out as a team. The friends we have made, we have thought of as extended family. It's natural for things to sometimes not work out. I think that friendships become more greatly significant when you add your children into the picture. When adults make friends and those people have children, those may become our children's friends. There are all these extra people who change things on an exponential level. So, if there are things that you don't have in common that somehow intimidate others, that will be amplified.

Hang in there! Good people will attract other good people!

Melissa Z.
post #30 of 56

I agree with MoonLissa

This is a great thread! I got involved in a "Mom's Club" playgroup and I don't really enjoy it. I feel as though I have very little in common with them and sometimes it feels like they look at me as if I have two heads. Funny thing is, I really don't share alot about my "style" of mothering, but I guess I have let on enough here and there that they know I'm waaaaay different. I was pregnant when I joined and they didn't quite understand my desire to have a natural childbirth and they definitely didn't understand my sadness when I ended up with a scheduled c-section (because of huge fibroid tumor and a baby in transverse position, but that's another story!) I wonder how weird exactly the former public school teacher in this group thinks I am. She knows that we homeschool, but I haven't had the nerve to tell this woman that not only do we homeschool, but we unschool. This is a woman who refused to teach her 5 year old how to read when her daughter asked to be taught. Her reasoning was that it wasn't the right age and she'd be too far ahead of her classmates and that would be hard for the teacher to handle. I really don't mind being so different and I even enjoy hanging out with people who are different from me. The thing I really mind is the boring, monotonous, tedious, torturous chatter about life's really serious issues like what color the wallpaper in the dining room is going to be! I only continue to attend because my son enjoys it so much. A mom in my area is going to start a Nurture by Nature group and I'm really looking forward to meeting a group of like minded mothers. I think I'm going to try and wean ourselves out of this other group.

post #31 of 56
Hey Danielle!
Good for you for sticking to who you are. We are planning to homeschool, too and even though there is a HUGE group in this area, I still get tons of flak!

Your story about the teacher refusing to teach her daughter... thank you so much for sharing that. All I can say/do is .

Blessings to you and yours. Keep on keeping on!

Melissa Z.
post #32 of 56
Talk about relying on peer pressure! How sad for that little girl.
post #33 of 56
Had to add that the friend that was with me at the park (when we bumped into our old group) really is quite different from me, parenting-wise! We've just found that our kids click and we enjoy each other's company and so it's ok that we're different. It says a lot that out of our whole group, she was the only one who said "Who cares if you've decided to change all of your toys to wooden, get involved in a Waldorf school, and eat organic foods?!" EXACTLY! I really couldn't figure out why my new ways bothered the old gang at the time anyway. Why was I so threatening all of a sudden? (This is the main reason I split off from the group, and later my friend, besides the fact that they are a such a high school clicquey-type bunch). Another friend said it was because I seemed to know something they didn't and that was threatening to them. It's insecurity, really! Anyway, just had to add my .02 that you don't have to have every detail match between you and a friend. Just a healthy dose of respect and some nice, friendly middleground!

post #34 of 56
Originally posted by glad2bhome
Anyway, just had to add my .02 that you don't have to have every detail match between you and a friend. Just a healthy dose of respect and some nice, friendly middleground!


Very well said! Sometimes people forget that diversity can be a beautiful thing!

Melissa Z.
post #35 of 56
I haven't had that experience in real life just on other parenting boards.

In our playgroup everyone bf's, two of us cosleep, 3 of us sling now (thanks to me, I made the slings), etc

One person I get along with better than the others. Its more a personality thing than anything else I think. It helps me to know she parents more like I do. We aren't exactly the same but they are all great moms without exception.
In fact I found out that one of them was still nursing but she told everyone she was working on weaning when her dd was 11 months old. I think she was worried about being ridiculed so she didn't tell us she was still nursing.

I know that some of them get together without the rest of us and vice versa. I've spent more time with one mom because I'm helping her make her own diapers and everyone just accepts that.

I'm sorry you got stuck with such a rotten group. At least your kids get along well.
post #36 of 56
I haven't felt rejected, but there have been many times that I'm *so* aware of the lack of compatibility. And my unwillingness to just hang out so that I can be with someone-I don't really need that. But I have also felt that with some AP mothers. I just try to stay open to attracting the people that I truly click with. Good luck finding the tribe you deserve!
post #37 of 56
Everyone has had great things to say in this thread. It sounds to me that you are in the wrong group. Someone said LLL, I would also suggest going to Attachment Parenting International on the web and seeing if there are any groups in your area. Also, you can go to the tribal area in MDC and meet mamas that way. I have met with some MDC mommas in real life and we are planning to get together again!

There is nothing wrong with them or you. You are just not apart of thier tribe. Don't give up, you will find a group or make one if you are determined.
post #38 of 56
I am enjoying this thread and these boards very much. Not a day goes by that I don't learn something new!

For example, today I learned, from Kass, that there is such an organization called Attachment Parenting International. I had no idea! It never even occurred to me to look for such an organization. I've looked quickly and while there is not a group close by me, I know enough people that might be interested down here.

Thanks, Kass! Thank you everyone, for sharing your knowledge here. This is such a great community.

^^Melissa Z.
post #39 of 56
Just my personal experience here -- take it or leave it.

When my ds1 was a newborn I began going to a bfing support group offered by our hospital (I still go, five years later ) and met some wonderful mamas who all had babes within months of mine. I started to notice that as the meetings would wrap up they would be discussing going down to a little diner a couple blocks away for lunch, but no one said anything to me. This was the same group of mamas that I had just spent two hours laughing and talking with and I couldn't figure it out.

This went on for a month, every Friday, and I just became more and more hurt every week trying to figure out why I was being excluded out of this group of about 6 - 8 mamas. Nothing like adding that to a new mother's plate.: Finally, I made a point one week to be move really close one week as they were discussing it (often loudly across the room to each other). I acted like she had been talking to me and I hadn't understood what one of them said and said "what did you say?" She replied, "Oh, nothing. We're just getting ready to head down to the diner for lunch." I decided to get bold and said "would you mind if I tagged along? I have nothing at home in my fridge, and Mc Donalds just doesn't sound good."

She was like "Sure!!! We would love it!!" Well as we were talking a the diner, it turns out that when they first decided to do it after the weekly meeting they each thought that one of the other gals had told me about it, so in all actuality, no one had. I was not intentionally being left out, they all thougth that I knew about it, and knew that it was an open invitation. When I told them I had felt left out they all felt terrible. Since they thought I knew, they just figured that I had something going on after the meetings and couldn't come. They weren't intending to be rude, it was just a misunderstanding.

Perhaps since these women are discussing it around you, they are figuring that if you were interested in joining them you would jump in. Perhaps they aren't being rude at all. I know that I often discuss plans in front of other mama's that I'm friends or acquantiances with, in the hopes that if they are interested, they will speak up. I have made so many ovatures in the past to mamas to join me or my group, but they never do. Either they have things going on then, or they find it harder to get out of the house than I do, or for whatever reason. I don't take it personally.

I'm guessing that the next time these moms discuss meeting while you are there and you asked if they would mind if you joined them, the response would be a positive one.

BTW, I am one of the more AP minded of my friends. Many spank on occasion, have ferberized their children, and are much more mainstream than I when it comes to parenting, but for me, it isn't much of an issue. I hope that I can be an example to moms that AP works. I must be doing something right, cause three of my best friends are now members of MDC.
post #40 of 56
OMG YES!!! It'll be easier to take after reading about everyone elses experiences and knowing Im not alone in this.
I joined a mommy and baby class,and when it first started everyone was all nervous and uncomfortable(you know those first moments) I broke the ice by getting a conversation going and talking to the other babies(I get kinda silly around babies ) anyway, so class goes on but it becomes apparent that the instructor has HUGE issues about control. She thinks that a crying baby is doing nothing but tying to control you, sad really. I dont do anything with dd that she wouldnt be comfortable with. The instructor hates me becuase of this, and I once went out of my way to interfere with the way she was treating an unsure mother and her really really upset and crying baby. Other then that I just could care less and stay out of her way. Well the other day I wouldnt hand my child over to her for an exercise, and we got into a big argument about what a rotten person my child was going to become because I let her choose her comfort level and I meet her demands, and now I am being given the cold shoulder by the other moms : . I just dont get it. I dont feel comfortable going back, but I dont want anyone to get the wrong impression if I stop going.
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