Help! 3.5 yr ds SO mean to our kitty

[Nimbus]

We rescued a sweet little kitten from the pound last fall and our then 3 year-old ds was so mean and rough with her, we ended up sending the cat to stay with my parents for a few months. None of our regular discipline methods worked to keep the kitty safe (ds would sit on, throw things at, yell at the cat and even tried to throw her down the stairs.) I began to feel guilty, because I was subjecting this sweet cat to rotten treatment and, seemingly, raising a child who felt it was fine to abuse this poor animal. DS visits my parents once a week, so we thought limited exposure over time might help. He seemed to improve a bit, so we brought the kitty back to our house a few weeks ago, but I feel like we're right back where we started. It's so frustrating. :

I don't expect ds, at his age, to empathize with the cat and put himself in her place, but I do want him to be gentle with animals. Right now, we put a baby gate at the bottom of our steps just high enough so the cat can get under it so she at least has a place to escape to. The problem is, she's so social, she hardly ever uses this and will stay in the room with ds sitting on her, pulling her fur, etc.

Does anyone have advice on how I can help ds to be more gentle? I feel as though nothing has had an impact on his desire to be mean to her. It's very concerning. Suggestions?

[griffin2004]

You mentioned kitty will stay in the room while your son sits on her and pulls her fur. How is he getting to do this?

If you cannot provide constant (and I do mean exactly that--constant!) supervision of your son AND intervene on the spot to prevent him from torturing and/or tormenting your cat, you have an obligation to the cat to rehome it immediately and not get another pet until your son is old enough to understand how animals should be treated.

[joesmom]

You need to either find the cat a new home, or make certain that your son is NEVER allowed near the cat unsupervised. Poor kitty.

I think a kid who is almost four IS actually old enough to be empathetic- & if he is NOT- he is old enough to be told, NO- that HURTS the kitty!

I would give the cat back to your inlaws until your son can be trusted near it. If nothing else, he is going to get scratched or bitten when the cat finally has enough, & I'd hate for that to happen.

[Nimbus]

Thanks for the responses. Finding the kitty a new home is what I thought I should do, but was hoping someone had had the same experience and was able to help their child treat their pet gently.

I could keep the cat gated upstairs but then she'd spend pretty much all of her time alone (except for when ds is asleep) and that's not a good arrangement either. My parents are happy to be cat free again, so I'll have to find a different home for her and try again with another cat when ds is older.

I'd still like to hear from any folks who have ideas that don't involve giving the kitty away. We'd like to keep her, just not under the current circumstances.

[nextcommercial]

Originally Posted by joesmom

You need to either find the cat a new home, or make certain that your son is NEVER allowed near the cat unsupervised. Poor kitty.

I think a kid who is almost four IS actually old enough to be empathetic- & if he is NOT- he is old enough to be told, NO- that HURTS the kitty!

I would give the cat back to your inlaws until your son can be trusted near it. If nothing else, he is going to get scratched or bitten when the cat finally has enough, & I'd hate for that to happen.

: I'm sorry. But, I have to agree with this. Your son is old enough to understand. If he for some reason has no empathy, he needs to learn that "no means no".

Sadly, I think it is time to find the kitty a new home. I could not bear to watch an almost four year old be mean to a pet.

*Disclaimer, I am a HUGE animal lover, and I probably should have been a PETA activist or some other kind of tree hugger*

[Thalia the Muse]

He's definitely a little old for this behavior -- I expect a young toddler to be rough because he just doesn't understand, but most kids by his age know that if they hit or sit on the cat, it will be hurt. I understand why you're concerned!

What do you do in response? I assume you've talked to him about how we treat the kitty and what gentle means -- how does he react? Can he tell you why he's picking on her?

[joesmom]

Originally Posted by nextcommercial

Sadly, I think it is time to find the kitty a new home. I could not bear to watch an almost four year old be mean to a pet.

*Disclaimer, I am a HUGE animal lover, and I probably should have been a PETA activist or some other kind of tree hugger*

I hate cats & I couldn't bear to watch that either!! :

(No offense to any cats who might read this. )

[ElliesMomma]

not to be snarky to you

i don't mean to be mean to you, but please be sure that cat actually gets a home versus going back to the animal shelter. you adopted him/her as a kitten last fall, which is prime time for felines to find a home. now that the cat has grown, he/she has far less potential to get a home and more likely to be euthanized at the shelter...

[Kundalini-Mama]

We went through this up until very recently (my son just turned 5), probably until he was 4.5. Although, it was definately not as violent as you are describing. And luckily, most of the cats would fight back which definately limited his behavior.

Like a light switch, he finally got it, and changed his behavior. No amt of talking to, following him around and explaining, crying, screaming, nothing worked for him. He just wasn't making a connection. I felt there was something very wrong with him--and how couldn't there be something wrong--he was horribly abusive!! It was an incredibly difficult time and his cat behavior started at around 16months until when I stated. Search my numerous posts on this issue in this forum

Since we rescue our cats (they have feline leukemia), the only other option we had for them was euthanasia--something we were not going to do--that is why we rescued them in the first place. So we kept them and we would go through times where my son was not even allowed to look at the cats. Funny now, but, the rule was no contact of any kind w/the cats or he would have to take some time in our room (w/one of us) so that we could ensure the cats would be safe. It was explained to him that keeping the cats safe from him was our number 1 priority. We would do this for awhile, we would also shut certain parts of the house off to him and just for the cats, etc. It was an incredibly difficult and trying time.

I know that you don't want to get rid of the kitty, but, as you don't have any medical issues w/the cat that would preclude adoption, I think it is an option well worth considering. Especially if you can get your parents to foster again until your son grows up a lil' more.

It is hard, I'm sorry,
Amy

[karen ann]

I had a slightly similar issue with my DS and our cat. DS is now 6 and the cat is nearly two.

Part of my problem is the cat would play rough with DS too. "Sweet" isn't the word for our cat... more "scrappy" I guess, though even that is too mild some days.

What worked for me was whichever one of them "started it" would have to leave the situation until things cooled down. If DS was teasing/bugging the cat, he'd go to his room or my room until he could play nicely with her (not a punishment for him... he generally stays in there for hours playing, and if he wants me to I will go with him). If the cat is bouncing off of DS or getting into his things, she goes in one of the bedrooms until she calms down.

[AbbieB]

We have a cat who is about 13 (she was a part of the family for 10 years before DD). DD is 3.5.

Just curious, what does your cat do when sat on, or when her fur is pulled?

Our cat is very tolerant up to a point and will then scratch or bite. She tends to grab with her teeth or claws and inflict minimal damage rather than breaking the skin and drawing blood. She also tends to give a very noticeable tail flick or vocal warning before biting/scratching.

For us the best thing has been to let the cat and DD work it out. When I see DD getting rough (tail pulling, squeezing/holding the cat when she is ready to get down) I tell DD "Jezzy does not like that, she wants you to stop." If it continues "Jezzy's tail is flicking/Jezzy is meowing and telling you to stop. She will scratch you if you keep pulling her tail". Usually DD stops but every couple of months or so she needs a scratch to be reminded of what happens when she's rough with the cat.

I'm not suggesting that you let your child be mauled. Just sharing what works in our house.

I agree that if you can't work it out that the cat may need to find another home for it's safety.

[jyurina]

I have had the same issues with our daughter and our cats. When she turned about two she was very rough with them I told her that the animals are part of the family rule of no hurting and that if she hurt the cats she would need to leave the room till she could treat them nicely. It was especially imperative with our older cat cause he doesn't get around so well and would just get beat up. After the first few times she was asked to leave the room and calm down the behavior started to change. I also had her begin to help me feed and brush them. Once she saw plenty of things she COULD do with the cats she was nicer. And my older son like to watch Animal Cops and told her that people that abuse animals went to jail, not the method I would have chosen but she thought about it and started classing roughing up the cats with being mean.

[annekevdbroek]

Ds, also 3.5 years, has recently been mean to the cats. Mostly chasing and yelling at them. I finally started giving him time outs (or "breaks" or whatever) immediately when he started this behavior. I didn't find talking to be effective. It was just too exciting to run after the cat! I had told him that if he couldn' t be nice to the cats we would have to find aother home for them. I do have to say that he wasn't physically harming them - but they were obviously very harrassed and nervous all the time. Anyhow, the timeouts worked in about one day. He actually calmly walked up to one of the cats (the one most prone to speed away from him) yesterday, petted her gently on the back, and opened the door for her to go out. I am able to constantly monitor his behavior with the cats.

I think it also helped that I bought some canned cat food (which we normally don't use) and let him feed them for about 2 weeks. It was a big deal for him to spoon the food onto a plate and put it down for the cats. It also served as a way to give a different type of interaction for both DS and the cats.

[hippymomma69]

Well my DD (3.5) still is "rough" with our elderly dogs (we also have a cat but he is young enough to run the other direction when she approaches, LOL)

The ONLY thing that has really helped (and someone online suggested this approach) is to do the following (works well for small siblings too):

-using a firm tone say "Don't hurt the kitty/doggie/baby"
-then immediately turn to the cat/dog/sibling(!) and shower it with praise, sympathy, etc ("are you okay? poor sparky...")
-you can let the child pet the animal/offer a gentle touch then move the animal/sibling away

Then, just in general, try to model lots of positive attention towards the animal...

I don't know why but the more positive attention you put on the victim and the less negative attention you give the perpetrator, the less your child will do these behaviors and will start to emulate your positive behavior.

I was very dubious but I tried it and it has worked really well...

hth
peace,
robyn

[Kundalini-Mama]

After having a child like the OPs, I can guarantee that she has probably done all of these things and more. I just don't want her to come back and read the suggestions of what has worked with kids with normal cat issues (like my second son) and feel inadequate. From my limited experience w/attempted cat homicide (which it was, not just tail pulling), when a child is acting like this, a time-out or positive attention to the cat is not enough.

My first son, who is now 5, could not get this. It was almost like he had a block in his brain and he was incapable of grasping this. I would post and post and post about it and I'd get suggestions, but nothing would help except total and complete absolute no cat/Aidan time. That was it. And it was so strange.

I will gladly tell the OP that my 5 yr old is incredibly loving w/the same cats he tried to murder. They spend time curled up snuggling. He would never in a million years harm them again--it just wouldn't occur to him. But during this phase, it was absolute, I needed to keep the cats safe and if it meant he was not allowed to even engage them in eye contact, that is what it had to be It was so awful, but I would not let the cats be injured.

Much love to you mama, it is so hard,
Amy

[robinkate]

That's a tough situation. Dd has been rough with our cats in the past, and what helped us was having her interact with them in other ways, brushing, pulling a string for them, filling up their food and water. At 3.5, your ds is probably very close to the point where he will be able to treat the cat gently. You could keep them separated except for times when you could closely supervise. I know you are worried that would be unfair to the cat, but it would only be temporary.

[Nimbus]

thanks for suggestions

First, thanks for all of the ideas and sharing your experiences.

A few of you asked how DS was getting to do these things with the kitty. 90% of the time it's when I step out of the room for a moment (to fill up his water cup, go to the bathroom, etc....) and I come back in the room to see DS cornering the cat, putting a pillow on her... : Most of the time the kitty will wriggle away but won't go in another room or hide out of reach. She has scratched him two or three times. He has been upset about this and I've tried to let him know this is the only way she can tell him to stop because she doesn't have words. I've also tried to use these instances (and others) as opportunities to point out tail flicking, ear positioning, growling and other cues that she uses to tell him she needs space.

I talked to my husband about it tonight. He doesn't feel as though the situation is urgent, thinks DS has improved and will be outgrowing this soon. I expressed my deep concern and suggested that, for the next month, we keep DS and cat separate whenever we can't supervise and to ask DS to leave room each time he is mistreating the cat. I'd also like to incorporate some of the positive forms of interaction many of you mentioned had worked for you. If things don't improve in four weeks, we'll find her a new home. DH said he'll think about it and we'll go with that plan unless he can think of an alternative suggestion. I'm keenly aware that we'd be irresponsible pet owners and parents if the current behavior continued.

Animal lovers, don't flame me. : I know we have to give the kitty away if things don't change. My post here was my last effort at trying to find something that may help. If we do have to find kitty a new home, I will first ask my parents to host her again for a while. Barring that, we will search for a good home for her and would definitely not have her go to an animal shelter.

Wish us luck! :