Changing names? - Page 2

[Individuation]

I think this child should be allowed to keep her name. I also think that if there's this much stress, at this point, about whether the child will "fit" with the other children in the family over something as innocuous as a name, you might want to do some long hard thinking about how you will feel if the child is different in other ways, or doesn't "fit" with your other children in ways that remind you of her birth family. Are you prepared for that possibility? Not trying to be combative, but it sounds like this issue is getting more attention than it should, and I think it ought to be addressed before the adoption.

[Amris]

My name was changed as a child, and it caused me a lot of trauma.

Please don't change it. I was 2.5 when it was done to me, and it's something that I remember to this day. Worse than just changing it, they just changed it to whatever they wanted to. I WAS, contrary to popular opinion, well aware of the railroading of my feelings.

Just my two cents.

[lauren]

I am aware of children that had names changed as early as 12 months and they continued to be confused and distressed about it until well after 5 years old. I think it is a perplexing issue that has no easy answers unfortunately.

[tiffer23]

I would change it. Being 2, I don't think a child would have a serious emotional attachment to a name. You could call her "Sarah Nevada" for a while to get her used to it, then drop the Nevada part and just go with Sarah.

Really, I think this is your decision. She can go by Nevada is she wants to later, no problems.

ETA: Okay, so maybe I'm wrong. Maybe it is a big deal. I don't know since I've not been through it. But... if it was me in the situation you are in, yes, I'd change it. Like I said though, calling her by both names first to ease into it, not just a sudden change.

[nikkilynn]

Originally Posted by Individuation

I think this child should be allowed to keep her name. I also think that if there's this much stress, at this point, about whether the child will "fit" with the other children in the family over something as innocuous as a name, you might want to do some long hard thinking about how you will feel if the child is different in other ways, or doesn't "fit" with your other children in ways that remind you of her birth family. Are you prepared for that possibility? Not trying to be combative, but it sounds like this issue is getting more attention than it should, and I think it ought to be addressed before the adoption.

I understand what you are saying and why you are saying it, but I think maybe the assumptions are not necessarily correct. Thank you for your input!

Nikki

[BCFD]

We were told in our foster class that sometimes children come to you with names such as Bacardi. They encourage you to change that if you are adopting the child. I have to say I agree. If you absolutely can not live with the name, change it. I agree that calling her Sarah Nevada for awhile would at least get her used to it, but I have to agree that THAT name in particular I can't stop thinking about Sierra Nevada. My children had names that we could not live with, but they also came to us at 6 weeks, 8 weeks, and 1 day old and they will always know the names chosen for them by their birthmom. With out last child we did discuss keeping her name because her birthmom kinda looked disappointed that we had changed her sisters name 2 years prior, but again, we absolutely could NOT live with her name. We thought about it as a 2nd middle name (since all my children have 2 mn's), but it just didn't flow right. And we took two long weeks and were OBSESSED with baby names until we got it right.
ETA: I also wanted to mention that we had no idea who actually named DD#1 when she was born. We were told birthmom left the hospital AMA and did not name the baby. We certainly were not going to live with a name we didn't like not knowing who gave it to her. When she was 1 1/2, we found out that birthmom did indeed name her, but that didn't change our mind about how much we liked it. None of their names were HORRIBLE, but they just didn't fit them.

Good luck!

[nikkilynn]

I failed to mention before that I am her daycare. Not only is she with me five days a week (during the day), but also some evenings and will be with us this weekend, possibly more to come.

I'm not sure how much of a difference that would make to the input, but thought I'd put that out there.

Thanks!!!

Nikki

[Individuation]

Originally Posted by nikkilynn

I failed to mention before that I am her daycare. Not only is she with me five days a week (during the day), but also some evenings and will be with us this weekend, possibly more to come.

I'm not sure how much of a difference that would make to the input, but thought I'd put that out there.

No, that does make a difference... you know the child well, and are not dealing with an "unknown factor." I still feel she should keep the name she has (and I am NOT crazy about Nevada), but if she likes the idea of a change then I don't think it would be the end of the world.

I hope I didn't offend you before. The statement about her "fitting with the family" seemed like a red flag, but it seems like you know very well the small person you're dealing with.

One question: Would you have a serious issue if she was, say, fourteen or eighteen or twenty and decided she'd prefer to go by "Nevada" rather than "Sarah"? Would you see it as a rejection?

[alicia622]

Originally Posted by BCFD

We were told in our foster class that sometimes children come to you with names such as Bacardi.

Oh yeah, there are some very unique names out there! I've run across a couple that really make you scratch your head.

[starlight82]

This little girl is a baby. I know some 2 yr olds might know the difference. But this girl, she is a baby. She will not understand at all. If I come up to her, and said "are you [my name] she'd say yes." If asked if her name was highchair... she'd say "highchair, highchair, highchair!" (Ask me how I know, LOL)

She's a cutie, but she is a very very very young two, and is just not capable of having input at this stage.

My son... he claims his name is "Mr. Snap" and will not answer to anything other than Mr. Snap. He has a very nice given name, which his father and I thought long and hard on. Yet, his name is Mr. Snap. It is very normal for kids to want to be other names (I used my middle name exclusively for 6th grade and then from 7-11th grade, chose a different derivitive of my 1st name, and then, at *18* picked a completely different name, with nothing to do with my given name, and started the paperwork to change it.) I should hope that no parent, adoptive or otherwise, sees it as rejection when their child chooses another name.

[nikkilynn]

"The reason is that we've very carefully chosen our children's name and would like for her name to "fit". "

I would like to make a correction. I NEVER said I was worried about her fitting with our family. I'm sure it's just a misquote, but since there is a HUGE difference in meaning I felt the need to correct it.

[Altair]

In general, I do not think it is a smart idea to change the name of a child already going through way too much change in her life. She needs EVERY bit of consistency you can give her.

In this case specifically, it sounds like the name of a beer.

[starlight82]

Originally Posted by nikkilynn

The reason is that we've very carefully chosen our children's name and would like for her name to "fit".

I see nothing about the child herself not fitting - just the name not fitting.

The child fits just fine, with the family, in Mom's Maya Wrap, in her own little bed in big sis's room. This part is not a concern.

[nikkilynn]

To answer the middle name question. I would hope that any parent would expect a child to want to go by another name at many point, adopted or not. I would have no problem at all with her going by Sarah, Nevada, or Marie in her teens. Now if at 16 she wants to change her name to Barbie or Candy, I might have a problem.

I definitely appreciate all the input. As with any answer to a question there are as many possible answers as there are people to answer them.

Thanks!!!

Nikki :

[starlight82]

I wanted to be Audrey.

I don't know why.

[Teakafrog]

We named our dd, but we got her at 6 days old. and her birth certificate just said "Baby Girl ______". My cousin adopted 2 children from Russia, they were either 1 and 2 or 2 and 3 at the time, and the boy was named Alexander and the girl Alexandra. So they changed the girl's name (since she was the youngest) so it would not be the same as her new brothers (they weren't bio related). She doesn't seem to have a problem with it, they are about 8 and 9 now.

[veganf]

Originally Posted by alicia622

Unless I really and truly couldn't tolerate the name I would not change it. I suppose if I were adopting a baby at birth, I would pick the name but in my situation, any child I adopt will be through the foster care system and already be named.

Ditto.

[ibex67]

okay ... i will try not to get ranty here but this is a hot-button for me.

I would NOT change a child's name. EVER. Under *any* circumstances -- unless the child her/himself requested that it be changed. TBH, I cannot for the life of me fathom why we think it might acceptable to change someone else's name once they have identified themselves that way.

To me it is a violation of someone's autonomy and identity -- and those are two things that we should be at great pains to preserve with any child -- but especially one who has gone through fostering and/or adoption.

If a child comes from a different culture with a name that is especially difficult to pronounce for their adoptive culture -- then a nickname may be acceptable, imo. But I think a name change needs to wait until someone is old enough to make that decision for themselves.

[Mylie]

BTDT situation

I adopted my son at 16 months....I didn't like his name...So I changed it..Not the whole name...My dad said it wouldn't be fair of me to take his whole name away from him...And to be clear this is a child I had taken care of since 6 weeks old..So I put him first name as his new middle name and gave him a new first name...At first I called him by his first and middle name so he wouldn't be confused...And yes he new his name...He used to call himself Kenny Henny..

Now fast forward 15 years...My son didn't have a problem with his name until he found out at 13 that I changed it...He went through a terrible time...And I mean terrible..Too him it was identity lost...And he has always known he was adopted..But the name change was just something he couldn't handle...He went thru a time where he was writing his old name on everything...And I mean everything...
We actually had to do counceling and therapy cause he just had such a time with this that it turned into other problems..

He is 17 now and is back to using the name I gave him..His legal name but I think he will always harbor a resentment towards me for taking his biological name from him..

If I had to do it all over again I wouldn't take his first name even though I clearly didn't care for the name..I would have given him a new middle name and called him by a nickname...

Kids that young do know their names and while you think it may not matter or impact them later it does...

I would'nt take her first name.I would give her a biblical middle name and then call her that...

Nevada Sarah-Marie sounds like a wonderful name...And she may some day say Mom I am so glad you didn't take my name from me...

Just my opinion from an adoptive mom who has gone thru this....

Good luck and congratulations on your new little one...

[Tigeresse]

Our agency recommended keeping a child's name if they were adopted at 15 months or older, if at all possible. We gave our dd a new 1st name and kept her Chinese name as her permanent middle name. My only regret is that we did not think to add a Chinese name that was a bit more pronounceable than the one she was given, it will be a bit difficult should she ever choose to be called by her Chinese name.

Perhaps in this situation you could keep Nevada as the 1st name and add Sarah as a middle name. You could try calling her Sarah and see how she takes to it, but always leaving the option open for calling her Nevada, and leaving this given name in that honored spot of 1st name would be very respectful, IMO.