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post #81 of 112
Thread Starter 
Okay. so I see how that's what you guys thought I meant. That's not at all what I meant, sorry about the misunderstanding.

What I mean by chosen is that when you are adopted, your adoptive parents are chosing to adopt. They jump through hoops and are investigated and God knows what else depending on the type and place of adoption. They don't just "get pregnant". Now don't get me wrong, getting pregnant is a wonderful thing to many people, but to others maybe not. For adoptive parents they are choosing through a long and sometimes hard process to add another child to their family. It's not oh, I forgot my pill, or opps the condomn broke. You know what I mean?

That's the kind of chosen I meant. A very special wonderful way to be chosen.

Nikki
post #82 of 112
Quote:
Originally Posted by nikkilynn View Post
What I mean by chosen is that when you are adopted, your adoptive parents are chosing to adopt. They jump through hoops and are investigated and God knows what else depending on the type and place of adoption. They don't just "get pregnant". Now don't get me wrong, getting pregnant is a wonderful thing to many people, but to others maybe not. For adoptive parents they are choosing through a long and sometimes hard process to add another child to their family. It's not oh, I forgot my pill, or opps the condomn broke. You know what I mean?

That's the kind of chosen I meant. A very special wonderful way to be chosen.
An adoptee doesn't stay a baby forever. They grow older, and they start to understand that the story they've been told of being "chosen" by one set of parents is due to (as you put it) "oh I forgot my pill or oops the condom broke" happening with another set of parents. In other words, from the adoptee's point of view, the choosing doesn't happen in a vacuum.

You've got a lot of people on this thread trying to explain this to you as gently as possible. Please read what we're saying.
post #83 of 112
most people will disagree with me, but honestly I dont see changing a young childs name to be a big deal. When we adopt again (probably internationally) we plan to give our new child a name of our choosing, and yes, probably keep his/her middle name.

Here's a flipside argument. My grandparents chose to keep my name when they decided to raise me. They kept it because my birthmother chose it. Big deal... I have always disliked the name and never felt it fit. I wished they had changed it! I'm sorry but at two I dont believe a name to be integral to your identity.
post #84 of 112
Another thing, just to consider, is that yes while you have to take steps to adopt and its easy for some people to have an oops child where something may have not gone according to plan- the child that you are adopting may have been one of those unplanned. So it may be more difficult to use that as an example when explaining to your adopted child because they may start to ponder why exactly it was they were placed for adoption. Not that them wondering is a bad thing but you would hate for your child to think of themselves as being a mistake. Does that make sense?
post #85 of 112
Hi. I am new to this forum, but have been reading a while and thought I would post.

My DH and I adopted our son from foster care when he had just turned 2. While we didn't necessarily hate the name he had, we wanted to give him a name of our choosing. We gave him a new first name and used his birth name as his middle name. Almost immediately after he was told his new name, he basically refused to answer to his old one. From that moment on he was ______ ______ and that's all there was to it as far as he was concerned. It's now been two years, and so far there has been no issues come up as far as changing his name went. When I tell his adoption story to him, I always add that before he came to us he was called ______, but now he is called _______.

Good luck, and hope this helps.
post #86 of 112
Quote:
Originally Posted by nikkilynn View Post
I'm sorry if there are many of you who didn't know that being adopted was a wonderful thing. There is something very special about being chosen.
Yeah, silly me. If only I had *known*, then it would have made everything so much easier to bear, knowing I was 'special'.

You know, though, SJ's suggestion is kind of neat though. Most parents have pet names for their kids. Have you considered finding a nickname based on Nevada, if you absolutely can't stomach the name? Eva, Nev (kind of like Neve Campbell?), Evie, Addie, ect? All of my kids have nicknames based on their names, ranging from could-be-a-real-other-name to silly.

You seem pretty bound and determined to change it though.
post #87 of 112
I just don't understand why, if you don't mind her being called Nevada, you feel the need to change her name or add Sarah to it? Just so it will look better on paper or so it will match your other kids names? They are only children for a short while and not often will someone be saying all their names in a row so it doesn't really matter if they match. I knew a family with four girls - all biological - named Keisha, Karla, Katia and Robin. Obviously Robin does NOT fit with the other names but nobody ever thought anything of it.
post #88 of 112
I don't mean to sound mean, but one thing that has occurred to me is that a lot of the parents who are writing about changing their kids' names and it all being just fine have pretty young kids. The adult adoptees who have spoken have pretty much said it was a very big deal for them. I'd gently suggest that perhaps the young kids don't know how or don't feel comfortable verbalizing that it is a big deal to have their names changed.

Namaste!
post #89 of 112
It seems that you are at the beginning of your adoption journey to adopt Nevada. I assume you have no other adopted children.
I encourage you to further your research about adoption and issues that come along with being adopted for adoptees.
On the surface adoption does seem to be a good and happy thing. But it is not ALL a good and happy thing and adopted children and adult adoptees do not have ALL happy feelings about being adopted.
This is a complex issue and I urge you strongly to pick up Nancy Verriers THe Primal WOUnd at www.amazon.com
I am sure many other mothers on here could give you additional book ideas as well.
Telling a child that being adopted is a great wonderful is not the router to take.
I look forward to getting to know you better on these boards! Please continue asking questions and finding out ALL information about adoption. Your daughter to be will be better for it.
post #90 of 112
I guess I am in the middle of the road here. I don't see anything wrong with changing her name but I would personally add your first name to her names. So, Sarah Nevada Marie Lastname. That way, she would not lose anything and would also "fit" in with her siblings. DD was named Firstname Middlename Lastname originally. Her biomother knew we would change it and called her by our name from the beginning. So now her name is Ourfirstname Ourmiddlename Originalfirstname Ourlastname. KWIM?

Like with almost everything about adoption, whether it bothers her or not will depend entire on the individual and there really isn't anything one way or another you can do to sway her feelings, imo. I have no idea if my parents changed my name or if I just didn't have one. I have a feeling it is the latter. I don't think I would have been bothered if they had changed it though.

Like previous posters have stated though, it could really bother them or others.

I will add that I absolutely would change bacardi breezer because I feel it is a totally inappropriate name.

Eve would be a nice nickname for Nevada if you don't want to change it. DD's first name didnt' have a nickname that I liked plus I didn't like the origin of the name.
post #91 of 112
I want to remind everyone to be gentle with one another, regardless of opinion, or where each of you are in the triad. For the most part this has been a great discussion. Remember that it is not o.k. to.....

.....post in a disrespectful, defamatory, adversarial, baiting, harassing, offensive, insultingly sarcastic or otherwise improper manner, toward a member or other individual, including casting of suspicion upon a person, invasion of privacy, humiliation, demeaning criticism, name-calling, personal attack, or in any way which violates the law.

Thank you.
post #92 of 112
Thread Starter 
Okay, this will be a response to multiple posts, so here goes . . .

"An adoptee doesn't stay a baby forever. They grow older, and they start to understand that the story they've been told of being "chosen" by one set of parents is due to (as you put it) "oh I forgot my pill or oops the condom broke" happening with another set of parents. In other words, from the adoptee's point of view, the choosing doesn't happen in a vacuum."

Okay, my first dd was far from planned and my 2nd dd was while I was on the pill. So that's not an adoptee issue, it's a person issue. I do believe that one of my brothers was the only one planned out of the four of us.

I don't view myself as a mistake, but I know that my mom and dad didn't "plan" on having me.

"Yeah, silly me. If only I had *known*, then it would have made everything so much easier to bear, knowing I was 'special'."

I'm sorry if you are unhappy with the way things went. It's not that way for everyone.

"I don't mean to sound mean, but one thing that has occurred to me is that a lot of the parents who are writing about changing their kids' names and it all being just fine have pretty young kids. The adult adoptees who have spoken have pretty much said it was a very big deal for them. I'd gently suggest that perhaps the young kids don't know how or don't feel comfortable verbalizing that it is a big deal to have their names changed."

That is a good point. I do think that much of that may be attributed to the fact that things are different now than they used to be.

I'm not trying to pick on the ones I quoted, I just felt like responding to those. There are plenty more things I could type, but I do have a homestudy to get ready for. Also I feel there are those who are arguing for the sake of arguing.

Thank you all for your input!!!

We still have not decided as far as the name changing goes. When we are at a point where we know we will become fictive kin and start the adoption process we will talk to Nevada's grandparents about possibly adding to her name.

Thanks again!

Nikki
post #93 of 112
When we adopted our daughter at 2 months old, her foster family had been calling her Savannah. A good friend of mine just had a baby and had called her Savannah, so we decided to go with the name we had chosen. Months after, we found out that her birthmother had named her, but no one knew that. So her name is now double name (like Etta-Mae), with the name we gave her and the name her birthmother gave her put together, and they sound great together.
post #94 of 112
Quote:
Originally Posted by nikkilynn View Post
Okay, this will be a response to multiple posts, so here goes . . .

"An adoptee doesn't stay a baby forever. They grow older, and they start to understand that the story they've been told of being "chosen" by one set of parents is due to (as you put it) "oh I forgot my pill or oops the condom broke" happening with another set of parents. In other words, from the adoptee's point of view, the choosing doesn't happen in a vacuum."

Okay, my first dd was far from planned and my 2nd dd was while I was on the pill. So that's not an adoptee issue, it's a person issue. I do believe that one of my brothers was the only one planned out of the four of us.

I don't view myself as a mistake, but I know that my mom and dad didn't "plan" on having me.

BUT YOUR MOM AND DAD DID NOT GIVE YOU AWAY FOR ADOPTION

"Yeah, silly me. If only I had *known*, then it would have made everything so much easier to bear, knowing I was 'special'."

I'm sorry if you are unhappy with the way things went. It's not that way for everyone.

FOR YOUR ADOPTED DAUGHTER YOU ARE SPEAKING I ASSUME?
The thing is you can not pick and choose how your achildren will feel about their adoption. Please go back and read thru this forum. There is a wealth of information on here. Just because an adoptee has issues with the way things went does not mean they would choose it any other way. Just that they have issues with being adopted. Who wouldn't


"I don't mean to sound mean, but one thing that has occurred to me is that a lot of the parents who are writing about changing their kids' names and it all being just fine have pretty young kids. The adult adoptees who have spoken have pretty much said it was a very big deal for them. I'd gently suggest that perhaps the young kids don't know how or don't feel comfortable verbalizing that it is a big deal to have their names changed."

That is a good point. I do think that much of that may be attributed to the fact that things are different now than they used to be.

What do you mean by this? How things are different now then they used to be? What do you feel is different? That we now care about adopted kids feelings?

I'm not trying to pick on the ones I quoted, I just felt like responding to those. There are plenty more things I could type, but I do have a homestudy to get ready for. Also I feel there are those who are arguing for the sake of arguing.

Thank you all for your input!!!

We still have not decided as far as the name changing goes. When we are at a point where we know we will become fictive kin and start the adoption process we will talk to Nevada's grandparents about possibly adding to her name.

Thanks again!

Nikki
emilie
post #95 of 112
Quote:
Okay, this will be a response to multiple posts, so here goes . . .

"An adoptee doesn't stay a baby forever. They grow older, and they start to understand that the story they've been told of being "chosen" by one set of parents is due to (as you put it) "oh I forgot my pill or oops the condom broke" happening with another set of parents. In other words, from the adoptee's point of view, the choosing doesn't happen in a vacuum."

Okay, my first dd was far from planned and my 2nd dd was while I was on the pill. So that's not an adoptee issue, it's a person issue. I do believe that one of my brothers was the only one planned out of the four of us.

I don't view myself as a mistake, but I know that my mom and dad didn't "plan" on having me.

"Yeah, silly me. If only I had *known*, then it would have made everything so much easier to bear, knowing I was 'special'."

I'm sorry if you are unhappy with the way things went. It's not that way for everyone.

"I don't mean to sound mean, but one thing that has occurred to me is that a lot of the parents who are writing about changing their kids' names and it all being just fine have pretty young kids. The adult adoptees who have spoken have pretty much said it was a very big deal for them. I'd gently suggest that perhaps the young kids don't know how or don't feel comfortable verbalizing that it is a big deal to have their names changed."

That is a good point. I do think that much of that may be attributed to the fact that things are different now than they used to be.

I'm not trying to pick on the ones I quoted, I just felt like responding to those. There are plenty more things I could type, but I do have a homestudy to get ready for. Also I feel there are those who are arguing for the sake of arguing.

Thank you all for your input!!!

We still have not decided as far as the name changing goes. When we are at a point where we know we will become fictive kin and start the adoption process we will talk to Nevada's grandparents about possibly adding to her name.

Thanks again!

Nikki

:
post #96 of 112
Quote:
Originally Posted by nikkilynn View Post
"I don't mean to sound mean, but one thing that has occurred to me is that a lot of the parents who are writing about changing their kids' names and it all being just fine have pretty young kids. The adult adoptees who have spoken have pretty much said it was a very big deal for them. I'd gently suggest that perhaps the young kids don't know how or don't feel comfortable verbalizing that it is a big deal to have their names changed."

That is a good point. I do think that much of that may be attributed to the fact that things are different now than they used to be.
Read. what. was. written.

I feel disrespected, and it wasn't even my post. (Not that you weren't just as obtuse with mine, which said something similar.) You ask for our advice, and then misconstrue what we say to fit into your preconceived notions.

The point isn't the past vs. now...it's now vs. future. In five or ten years, Nevada will not be a 2-year-old. She'll be able to verbalize her feelings, unlike at present. You'll be older and wiser too. By then, you may have learned the hard way what we're trying to tell you now.

There are a lot of wise and experienced parents on this thread from all three parts of the adoption triad. We're not all wrong.
post #97 of 112
Yes, Nikki, I am well aware that my experience was not universal, and I'm most certainly definitely glad it wasn't.

However, you don't seem to get (or refuse to acknowledge) that your hope isn't always what plays out. Don't sit there and tell people it's 'too bad they didn't know' that adoption is always wonderful and if only they had the right attitude about being 'chosen' then everything would be peachy. That's demeaning.

If you don't MEAN to say that, then don't say the kind of thing that I quoted. Or at least bother to put in a qualifier. If I can do it, so can you. It won't kill you. In fact, it gets easier over time. It's irritating, I myself get irritated at having to say 'for me' and 'in my case' and 'I don't speak for everyone' and crap like that all the time, since I think it should be a given (because really, sheesh people, shouldn't you have all the same exact experience as me?). But you know what, it's a good reminder. Not all adoptive parents are like mine. I'm sure some of the aparents here are for damn sure glad that not all adoptees are like me. But at least we can be respectful of the fact that a lot of us are going to have differing views about much of this at any given point in the adoption/parenting journey.

If you do mean what you've said, which TO ME is in essence saying that one's experience of adoption is only negative if one's attitude makes it so, then sorry, you're flat out wrong. Give me a handful of adoptees that come from similar backgrounds (great adoptive parents or crappy ones, just all the same), and you'll have a spectrum of feelings and attitudes--regardless of the postive or negative experience. I'm sorry (and this is meant 100 percent genuinely and not sarcastically at all) that you don't seem to know that you can't control all of how your DD is going to feel about her adoption, and to a certain extent neither will she. It is *not* always a mind over matter thing, and some people (I don't consider myself one of them, BTW, I blame most of my 'problems' with my childhood on a pretty crazy upbringing that would not have changed even if I were my parents' bio child) have deeply felt wounds over that past that aren't fully healed even by the most loving parents.

I don't blame adoptive parents for not being able to make all of that go away if only they could love their kids 'enough'. Please extend the same courtesy to adoptees and don't assume that if only they knew that adoption was Really Good all the pain and loss that some of them feel would just evaporate into the ether. It is not so. Some people don't feel that way, but others do, and it does nobody good service to dismiss it.
post #98 of 112
Quote:
Originally Posted by dharmamama View Post
We adopted a two year old and we kept his Ethiopian name. Our thoughts were

1) He didn't need a name, he already had one

2) It was HIS name, not ours to toy with

3) It was the only thing that he owned when he came to us.

post #99 of 112
I think people are being a bit harsh on Nikki.

She is, admittedly, new to the world of adoption and has come asking advice. Yes, she is having a hard time letting go of her original idea, but she is not being (imo) defensive. She's doing her best to hear and integrate new ideas. It takes time, people.

And, I think we also need to remember that, as many people have pointed out, none of us can predict how Nevada is going to feel about any of this, her adoption, her birth and toddlerhood history, her name change or not... If her name is changed, she may end up feeling very resentful or angry about it. Then again, if her name is not changed, she may end up feeling like the odd child out, if all the other kids in the family have biblical names and hers is very obviously different, particularly if she has other traits (looks, interests etc) that make her feel like the odd kid out in the family. Bottom line is we just don't know.

I also think it is hugely important to remember that Nikki has said she plans to discuss this all with the grandparents. She is really trying to do the right thing.

I guess I'm feeling both sides of this a little more b/c as a former post-adoption professional, I do *get* it. I've read all the books, I *know* the best practice....

But, as the foster mom, hopefully adoptive mom, of a wonderful 2 yr old whose given name makes me *cringe*, and stands out like a sore thumb among the names I have given to my biological children, I get where Nikki is coming from.

It has to be okay to discuss our feelings as adoptive/future adoptive parents even when they aren't in line with best practice etc. We still get to have feelings, we still get to be imperfect. We all do, all members of the triad. And really, I think thats how improvements happen -- by being honest, even when the honesty reveals our imperfections.

And, finally, I like the idea of Eve or Evie as a nickname for Nevada.
post #100 of 112
Quote:
Originally Posted by gus'smama View Post
It has to be okay to discuss our feelings as adoptive/future adoptive parents even when they aren't in line with best practice etc. We still get to have feelings, we still get to be imperfect. We all do, all members of the triad. And really, I think thats how improvements happen -- by being honest, even when the honesty reveals our imperfections.

And, finally, I like the idea of Eve or Evie as a nickname for Nevada.
At the same time, it has to be okay to tell someone a point of view they don't genuinely want to hear without being told that:

Quote:
Originally Posted by nikkilynn
Also I feel there are those who are arguing for the sake of arguing.
That's a blatant dismissal of other people's perspectives and feelings.

For me, for example, having my name changed was a very traumatic event.

Since it wasn't pointed out WHO is "just arguing to argue", it is left looking as if she may well be speaking of anyone who didn't agree with her.

I can honestly say that I don't really appreciate having my trauma dismissed so casually. I suspect other people, who answered the question with honesty (even if it's not what she WANTED to hear), lack a hefty appreciation of having their very valid feelings and concerns dismissed in this manner, as well.

If you post something wanting only supportive responses, it might be best not to do it on a public board.
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