I am losing my mind....very ranty... - Page 2

[momma of monkeys]

Thanks allgirls...I do have ds in therapy,he's been going for just over 1 year, he also just wrapped up on several months of behavior coaching, he sees a psych doc as well. He is not on meds. His dx is Adjustment disorder, anxiety, and most recently ADHD (I do not totally agree w/ the "H")
He has a schedule, a rules and consequenses list, and a reward chart. He is allowed to do extra chores for cash.
exh has been (nak) invited to participate in therapy and chooses not to.
ex has been informed of the damage that can be done if you belittle the other parent. honestly, i do not think he cares what damage he does to his son as long as he can make my life chaotic. it is the only 'control' that ex has left...
anyway, today was rough...next week will be better.

[heartmama]

Just an idea-it struck me from your posts that ds' life is normally busy and varied with tons of new faces, and like many kids, he may honestly feel unsure of how to handle a sudden bout of complete down time. If his schedule normally includes school, going to dads on weekends, going to grandma's for a weekend, that is a LOT of variety of environment, kwim? Suddenly being with just two people for a week isn't what he's learned how to handle creatively.

Personally I would be inclined to see the venting and whining and carrying on as a normal phase that prepares him for eventually accepting a quieter environment. It isn't permanent (just spring break) so you may not get to that point, but what it sounded like to me is the period of "deschooling" that children go through who homeschool after years in school.

[thismama]

Wow. It sounds like you are doing all you can for your son.

Personally, I wonder if he is picking up on your ex's disrespect of you, and perpetuating it?

I would make sure to spend as much time with him as possible, which it sounds like you are doing. And make time for him in your everyday life, like reading books with him, etc. Small things.

And aggression toward you or his sister? I would respond firmly with a consistent consequence. Time out every time is probably what I would do. It's not okay, and his feeling (or repetition of other grown ups' feelings) that you should spend even more time with him does not make it okay. It sounds more like an intentional guilt trip than an honest expression of a need, to me.

I've seen this dynamic in working with women experiencing abuse, where their sons pick up on the father's behaviour toward and comments about the mother. I know you are not talking about an abusive situation, but it sounds like your ds's bio-dad is making demeaning comments about you.

Personally I would feel the need to communicate to my ds that treating mama like is not acceptable. I think you can communicate both that boundary and your love for your son to him at the same time.

[mamaduck]

It does sound like there are "big" issues, but I find myself agreeing with Heartmama that this is a normal phase to go through when life gets suddenly "boring." Spring break is usually tough for my kids too, and the first two weeks of summer vacation are always very rough until they fall into a groove/routine.

It helps some to have a predictable routine, and activities planned with clear limits. I generally plan 2 things each day to do with the kids (eg -- bake something together in the AM, go to the Y in the PM) and then the rest of the day I make it clear that they need to "find their own fun."

Its very important to set limits on how much you will cater to the boredom. And it sounds like this is particularly important with your son, considering the dynamics with his dad that he is capable of capitalizing on. I also think its important to stop buying him things. I know that he will be hellish to live with for a period of time, but then I think it will be easier after he is resigned to the fact. But I think that in order to beat this sense of "entitlement" you are going to have to clear and predictable limits to how much you will indulge him.

I would also avoid falling into a guilt trap. Don't feel guilty about his jealousy and boredom. Don't let yourself take responsibility for these things. You can empathize -- but you need to communicate that he is capable of overcoming these bad feelings. That you haven't wronged him, that you do meet his needs, and that he is strong enough to deal.

[momma of monkeys]

I answered in bold:

Originally Posted by heartmama

Just an idea-it struck me from your posts that ds' life is normally busy and varied with tons of new faces, and like many kids, he may honestly feel unsure of how to handle a sudden bout of complete down time. If his schedule normally includes school, going to dads on weekends, going to grandma's for a weekend, that is a LOT of variety of environment, kwim? Suddenly being with just two people for a week isn't what he's learned how to handle creatively.

Personally I would be inclined to see the venting and whining and carrying on as a normal phase that prepares him for eventually accepting a quieter environment. It isn't permanent (just spring break) so you may not get to that point, but what it sounded like to me is the period of "deschooling" that children go through who homeschool after years in school.

I guess I will read up on deschooling....because school will be over before I know it...thanks!

Originally Posted by thismama

Wow. It sounds like you are doing all you can for your son.

Personally, I wonder if he is picking up on your ex's disrespect of you, and perpetuating it? My guess would be yes...his father told him I was going to have him put in jail (put father in jail, not ds):

I would make sure to spend as much time with him as possible, which it sounds like you are doing. And make time for him in your everyday life, like reading books with him, etc. Small things.

And aggression toward you or his sister? I would respond firmly with a consistent consequence. Time out every time is probably what I would do. It's not okay, and his feeling (or repetition of other grown ups' feelings) that you should spend even more time with him does not make it okay. It sounds more like an intentional guilt trip than an honest expression of a need, to me.

DS' teacher said the same thing, 'He's playing you'. I think he may be doing it at his fathers as well...though I have no way to know that

I've seen this dynamic in working with women experiencing abuse, where their sons pick up on the father's behaviour toward and comments about the mother. I know you are not talking about an abusive situation, but it sounds like your ds's bio-dad is making demeaning comments about you.

Oh, but we are talking about an abusive situation. My ex still calls me names (the *C* word for example) and when I was still talking to him on the phone he would yell at me and curse and call me names....with ds in the backseat of his car. There are other abuse issue...if you get the urge, check some of my older posts...

Personally I would feel the need to communicate to my ds that treating mama like is not acceptable. I think you can communicate both that boundary and your love for your son to him at the same time.

I am trying to find a way to do that...keep your fingers crossed for me

Originally Posted by mamaduck

It does sound like there are "big" issues, but I find myself agreeing with Heartmama that this is a normal phase to go through when life gets suddenly "boring." Spring break is usually tough for my kids too, and the first two weeks of summer vacation are always very rough until they fall into a groove/routine.

It helps some to have a predictable routine, and activities planned with clear limits. I generally plan 2 things each day to do with the kids (eg -- bake something together in the AM, go to the Y in the PM) and then the rest of the day I make it clear that they need to "find their own fun."

Does giving 'free' time count? When he isn't in school, he has free time. I need to try and be more together with specific plans so I can lay them out for ds. Thanks!

Its very important to set limits on how much you will cater to the boredom. And it sounds like this is particularly important with your son, considering the dynamics with his dad that he is capable of capitalizing on. I also think its important to stop buying him things. I know that he will be hellish to live with for a period of time, but then I think it will be easier after he is resigned to the fact. But I think that in order to beat this sense of "entitlement" you are going to have to clear and predictable limits to how much you will indulge him.

Oh boy...that does not sound like fun...at all. When we went shopping last Tues. he used his own money that is from past chores to buy what he wanted. I only gave him a quarter and a couple pennies. It will be rough to have that take effect for a couple weeks, my mother and her husband will be here Tuesday for two weeks...and Oma spoils...but she only sees the kids like once a year. I'm so not going to stop that. I will stop 'me' however.

I would also avoid falling into a guilt trap. Don't feel guilty about his jealousy and boredom. Don't let yourself take responsibility for these things. You can empathize -- but you need to communicate that he is capable of overcoming these bad feelings. That you haven't wronged him, that you do meet his needs, and that he is strong enough to deal.

I do feel guilty frequently. Because pretty much all he is experiancing is because of things he has no control over. That isn't a good reason to be mean to dd though, or me for that matter. I'll try to figure out what I want to say before he gets home on monday.

Thank you all so much...I appreciate the sounding board and the awesome tips/advice...BIG HUGE s