dealing with annoying comments.

[MotherWhimsey]

So I have an almost three year old and a three month old. Like any big sibling, my dd can sometimes get a little too rough with him. She's never hurt him very bad, just the normal poke him or "hit" him (I've seen her do this twice and it's more like a rough pat). I immediately take her away from him (if I can, if I have him and he's upset, then I can't), and tell her seriously that she has hurt him and it's not acceptable and she can't do it again. I think that for a three year old she's done a really good job of listening and not hurting him. Tonight we are at my mother's house and dd put her head next to his, forehead to forehead, and she bonked her head with his. Now it was a good enough bonk to make him cry for a few seconds, but he was fine after about 20 seconds and had no mark or redness or anything and I took her into another room and talked to her (I don't like to shame kids in front of people, what I take my kid to task for and how is between me and my kid) and let her sit in there for about a minute. then she came out and said she was sorry to her brother, and everyone was happy. Except for my mother. She just said (and has said before) "well if it was my kid I would have smacked her butt, because that's just not acceptable." now she's very pointedly not ignoring me. you know, being curt but "polite" so that you know she's not happy with you. She can stay like this for days, and it makes life very annoying. I just want to drive home tonight instead of tomorrow. How do you handle the three year old hitting the baby? and how do you deal with something like the comment and the attitude? normally my mom is very wonderfully supportive, it's really usually seldom like this. I just don't know how to relate to her without her blowing up at me or something. And I don't want to leave or anything because it then looks like I'm leaving to "punish" her or something. Which I'm not and never want to do. She's not mean to the kids or anything, so it's not like I'm hurting them by staying here, it just makes it more stressful for me.

[sophiesgrandma]

Maybe you can take your mom aside and tell her that you are the mom to your kids and you will handle the situation in a way that is right for you and the children. I would also add that what is the sense in hitting a child to teach them not to hit?

[lanamommyphd07]

Moms. Aren't they great?? I try to always take their point of view on where the comment came from. I know my beliefs about child rearing, home, eating, whatever, are pretty outside the norm, and wouldn't ever want to shove em off on anyone, but can get pretty darned annoyed at the "well-meaning" advice and whatnot. But, after all, she is your mother. She means well. She probably used the "butt smacking" method with her own kids and is a true believer in that. When she sees you taking a natural loving approach, she may be internally hurting a bit that you think she did something wrong. That's where that aloofness could be coming in. Even though it takes a lot of effort for me, I've found that if I turn it around, and actually seek out her advice using her own methods, the aloof goes away, mom feels wanted, and everyone wins. I still get to gently do things my way. It's the old 'honor thy mother" bit. Makes a little sense. So here's a tack--Hey mom, I've been giving it some thought, and the other day you mentioned whacking her for the head-bashing trick she did. I've been musing about trying that out, but I have this horrid fear that she would take that and use the spanking on her brother. I'm so afraid that she'll keep up the hitting if I use it on her. What do you think? You've been doing this for a long time!
Okay, then after you've sucked it up like crazy, and mom feels like an expert again, and useful, and whatnot, and you make it through the day ahead, you go home and if it ever comes up again, you can say "oh, great news mom! It finally cleared up and we haven't had to resort to spanking at all! Great advice!" Everyone wins. Maybe you had to sell out a bit, but it's family.

[DevaMajka]

Sounds like you dealt with the hitting wonderfully!
No ideas on how to deal with your mom. Just wanted to give you kudos and hugs

btw, my response would be pretty passive agressive

[AugustineM]

I would just say, "Mom, I don't believe in spanking -- I don't think it's right to hit a child to tell them not to hit. Doesn't make sense." That would be it. I actually said that to someone recently. They didn't respond.

I think it sounds like you're doing fine. I have a 2 1/2 yo and a 9 mo. old and it's really hard to know what to do when the toddler is rough with the baby. I do the same thing you do.

[eli's mama]

I have the same issue, ds1 is almost 3 and ds2 is 4 months, and the issue is with my MIL. We just finished up a 2 week stay with her and she's lucky i didn't "put her over my knee". I never say anything, except later I complain to dh about it. so no advice but just wanted to say, i know how you feel.

[jyurina]

My immediate response to a similar comment was" SOOO-I hit them to teach them not to hurt people, hmmmm" of course I could storm off purposefully which isn't good with family. I think you did great and just keep it up. Once they figure your not 'going through a phase' family tend to lighten up.

[sapphire_chan]

I'd also tell mom firmly that she needs to watch her language around the children.

[katallen]

I would let it pass and try to get out of the house to do some sight seeing. Your mother is responsible for her own emotions and if it hurts her that you don't hit your children then she is going to have to deal with that hurt in her own way, you can't erase it. She may be feeling a little guilt and doesn't like to so expresses it as anger. I have learned to ignore my mother when she becomes the reclusive bully and to seek talk and entertainment elsewhere. She seems to come out of it faster because it is no fun to bully someone silently when they aren't there to care.

[13Sandals]

you did great...I'd be leary of soliciting advice from your mom about possibly hitting your kid - I'd be afraid she might take it as an okay from you to swat your dc when she is taking care of her....I think taking a firm 'we don't hit' is the only way. your mom probably is hurt and may also think you are too lenient. Many of the last generation believed a 3 year old was practically an adult and impulse control was expected. I think we know a lot more about developmental stages now and know that a 3 year old isn't quite capable of this kind of impulse control - especially dealing with the powerful feelings of having a newish sibling...Now that my kids are older - and my mom sees how great they are, she is much more comfortable with my parenting style. She literally could not be around us when the boys were toddlers...she was itching to 'smack' them at every moment. It was really uncomfortable all around...but it does get better!

[nextcommercial]

Well, that comment is just innapropriate. While it wasn't a threat, it sounded kinda like a threat.

It also sounds like she may have just been trying to rub foreheads, but misjudged how close she was.

But, you are going to get comments from others who think your daughter should be more gentle with her baby brother. Hopefully most of them are a lot nicer than that one.

I would explain what kind of discipline you have chosen, and make sure she understands that you have studied this, and thought it out, and it isn't just a "weakness". Most people see gentle discipline as a weakness in parenting skills. Many parents who claim to be using gentle discipline are really using permissive/weak parenting. People see this, and assume that if you don't come down hard on your kids, that SURELY you must not be trying. They think "That kid is going to run all over you in a few years". or "I guess I can see who runs that household".

Comments are inevitable. I have a 14 year old. While I didn't practice "Gentle discipline" I did not spank, I gave her choices, and I carried her everywhere. My Mom thought I was going to wish I hadn't.

But, I have a fantastic 14 year old who makes good choices. Now, my Mom can see that I did it right.

Sooooo... You just have to wait til your kids are grown. THEN your Mom will say "You did a good job".