DH Trouble

[libranbutterfly]

I have a good idea of how I want to handle situations with my 2 yr old DD and 6 month old DD, but DH totally disagrees. I have asked him numerous times to try it for a week, we discuss and comprimise, but he never even attempts it. Sometimes I get annoyed that things aren't going the way I'd like and end up yelling at 2 yr old DD. I wouldn' mind it if he even just left it to me most of the time, but he always has to add in his 2 cents and threats. When I told him that I didn't think the meaningless threats of things he is not going to do are really counterproductive, he made the comment "I would do it if you would let me" one of the threats he had issued thaat day was "If you dont get out of the way I'm gunna duct tape your mouth and lock you in the closet" When I pointed this out to him, he said "Well, I was just playing with her, of course I'd never do that" How can I get through to him? Whenever he says something like that, DD screams and runs to me for a hug, so she definately doesn't realize that he is "playing" with her. Even if she did find it funny, I dont think that would be a very good discipline technique either, KWIM? HELP!!!

[sparklefairy]

Some kids find it very confusing to have "humor" thrown in in a discipline situation. It's hard to tell if someone really disapproved of your behavior or if you should be taking them seriously when they're "joking around." They also lose their focus at every opportunity anyway.

Now that said, I'm fond of telling my kids that if they don't let up, I will produce too much steam for it to all come out of my ears, my head will blow across the room, and they'll have one hell of a mess to clean up. At 6 & 8, they do get it, and I follow it with, "what shall we do about this?" or "here's what we're going to do about this."

I'm the last person to effectively help someone help their partner parent better though.

[Ambyrkatt]

Originally Posted by libranbutterfly

"If you dont get out of the way I'm gunna duct tape your mouth and lock you in the closet"

My father made threats like this to me the entire time I lived with hime (ages 6 through 13). I never thought he was kidding despite him not acting on most of his threats. It was horrible parenting that completely destroyed any possible bond we could have had. I don't think of him as a father, a friend, or even someone I would want to have a casual conversation with and have only spoken with him once in the last 10 years (maybe more, I'm not counting).

Now, there is more to the story than I just told, but I do honestly believe that these types of threats are very detrimental. Parents are supposed to be there to guide and teach their children, offering love, comfort, and support. Those threats only teach fear, not something I want to instill in my child.

I'm sorry you're going through this. Maybe you'll get some good responses here to help you figure out how to get him to stop this.

[Max'sMama]

I think your husband needs to possibly look into some of Dr Sears books. Also, parents as partners may give you better insight as far as getting your dh on board with your parenting style.

[libranbutterfly]

DH refuses to read any books on parenting, and often says I am just letting other people tell me how to raise my children. It is just so frustrating because of course right now, DD is not listening to either of us, and is very emotional. I try to keep her busy during the day so it is not possible for her to "disterb" him, but every now and then I need to feed the baby, use the bathroom, etc. Even if I keep her occupied the whole time, he still chimes in every now and then with a G D@mn it Kamille, which of course makes her scream and come crying to me. Any other ideas are appreciated.

[LynnS6]

I don't say this lightly but: counseling. Honestly, it sounds like your communication with your dh is faltering right now, and that makes it hard to parent effectively too.

An organization such as Parents as Partners might help, or family counseling, or if that doesn't work, then I would do individual counseling. Anything to help with better lines of communication between you. Even if it's mostly his problem (and it sounds from your post like it is), counseling can help you learn how to respond. Right now, he doesn't seem to be respecting you or your parenting ideas, and he's not communicating effectively with your daughter either.

I'm also a bit worried about your comment about trying to keep your dd from 'disturbing' your dh -- why should it be your job to keep your daughter from disturbing him? He's her parent too, and you shouldn't have to walk on eggshells. It's not modeling good partnership for your dd. And the comment about "letting other people tell you how to raise your children" disturbs me too. I'm getting some red flags raised here - he makes outrageous threats, you're afraid to disturb him, he's knocking down your opinions and those of experts (do only his matter?). He might be an OK guy, but these are also things that are precursors to domestic violence.

Hence counseling - I think there are a number of issues here that need to be worked out in more than a series of posts can give.

[libranbutterfly]

I am not afraid to disterb him, it is just easier to not have to deal with his "help"

[oybaby]

Been there, even with the most understanding and

supportive husband it can be hard to navigate parenting choices. The first thing I noticed is the ages of your dear kiddies. We are in the same boat, and those first six to nine months were tough.

Perhaps a non "parenting" book would help. And Baby Makes Three by John Gottman and his wife (name escapes me) is couple-focused, but makes some really good points about parenting. The exercises are fun, too.

Are the kids with you the majority of the time? If so, what you are doing with them will go a long way. Let it rub off on your husband. It is hard to not say something about every parenting disagreement, but have faith in his ability to pick up your cues.

Hang in there, Momma!

[libranbutterfly]

Thanks mamas. I'm hoping not to have to go to counciling, and we definately cant afford it right now, but I will if neccisary. He has agreed tht he will not hit the children, but continues the yelling. I'm going to just try to work more on how I treat them, and hope it starts "working" so he might take it a lit tle more seriously. Right now he still says we are both on the same page as far as discipline, even though I kindly remind him a few times a day to be gentler.

Wish me luck!