What to do about all the negotiation?!?

[marincarrie]

I'm not sure how to deal with this, or if it's even a problem--but I know that it's incredibly annoying, and I don't know what to do!!

Dealing with my son is a constant negotiation all day long. Anything I say, he has something to tell me about it--for example, if I ask him to hold my hand in the parking lot, he says "no, no, you can trust me, just let me walk next to you." Seems fine, but all the while he's walking backwards into the parking lot paying attention to negotiating with me and not the cars!! U'm trying to grab him, because I'm afraid he's getting too far away, and he gets even more insistant. He's 3.5 by the way...

This goes on all day long....from climbing on the counters to going outside, to doing anything and him asking for "just 3 more minutes." It's exhausting! I wanted to foster a free-thinker, someone who thought about things and didn't follow blindly, but I was thinking in terms of peers and not me!!

I would just like him to listen to me once without having to negotiate everything~any thoughts??

Thanks!
Carrie
Boden (8-19-03)
Edd DS #2 (6-12-07)

[marnie]

in our family, some things are simply non-negotiable - holding hands crossing the street, tooth brushing, etc. we handle those situations by saying calmly "it's not safe for you to walk without holding my hand and it's important that you are safe. it's not something we can debate."

tone of voice is everything. my daughter doesn't try to negotiate or complain when i use my blandest, least exciting voice.

[abac]

My only suggestion would be to say yes as often as possible.

[kkeris]

I think its developmentally appropriate, plus I'd rather have a child who tries negotiating everything, than a 'yes child' who blindly listens to everything I say without offering their own opinions if they have one!

My 2.5 dd is already negotiating alot, and I can totally foresee her doing what your ds is doing when she is that age, and as tiring as it will be for me, I wouldnt prefer blind obedience. But thats just me.

[FreeRangeMama]

It must be a 3.5 yo thing With ds2 it works better to just state that we are in a parking lot so everyone must be careful BEFORE we leave the van then just assume he will. If he doesn't *then* I remind him to pay attention for cars. Otherwise he is too distracted by proving to me that he CAN do it to actually DO it.

Same with anything. If it is something that really doesn't matter or isn't too terribly dangerous then I just don't care-or try not to anyway. There will be enough battles with things that are really dangerous (he is a risk taker with no impulse control on his best days, just his temperment I'm afraid!). I also find that if I let almost everything go on the assumption that I have taught him well he lives up to that expectation. But if I constantly remind him, caution him, and remind him again he just gets hell-bent on proving that he really can do it (which ultimately distracts him enough that he really can't do it safely). It is better for all of us if I take a deep breath and trust him to know his own abilities while keeping an eye out for his safety in the least obvious way I can.

Maybe just trust that you have done a great job thus far and see if he does okay without the reminders and negotiations

[Gracefulmom]

My almost 6yo is the same way. And it makes me : because our temperaments are completely different... I honestly just don't understand how she operates!!

What has helped me has been 1) to clearly state when and why something is non-negotiable, 2) to have real - like personal safety - reasons for my non-negotiables, 3) to say yes as often as I possibly can, and 4) to let myself stretch out of my comfort zone enough to truly consider her ideas.

My dd will never become someone who doesn't question, but I'm hoping to give her enough freedom to do the questioning without having to rebel. I think it's mostly in my own attitude.

Hope that makes some sense... I've been thinking a lot about this lately, too.

[Aeress]

I think it is o.k. to say "this isn't a choice" for things like holding hands when crossing the street.