Impulse control? Please help.

[blsilva]

Mamas, I'm feeling like the worst parent in the world tonight, and I could use your help. My oldest ds (5) is having some trouble in preschool, and his teachers (whom I truly respect and trust- it took us 3 tries to find a pre-k that he could grow in and enjoy, and these wonderful women are so nurturing, so loving, and he loves them) have recommended that we have a counselor come in to offer some insight.
His trouble is with impulse control- things like moving on when he cannot have his way, grabbing things away from other kids, interrupting "persistantly and frequently" and being very "single minded". He sees something he wants and goes after it- no thought to the kids he has pushed out of the way, tackled, etc, until after the incident. Once it is pointed out ot him, he is so sorry and sad that the teachers feel bad because he is a very social kid and wants so badly to play with kids, but his lack of ability to control himself is very overwhelming to most kids, and they avoid him.
How do you deal with this? I have read more GD books than I can count, but I am still having trouble with this. Is the counselor a good idea? Any downsides?
I am at a loss, because we see this behavior at home, and no matter how much I try to install empathy, or give him ways to learn control, he seems to be unable to do so.
Any ideas?

[peacelovingmama]

I wish I had insights and answers for you. I'm responding really just to let you know that you aren't alone. We use GD and DS is a wonderful child but also is having some of the issues your son it (DS is almost 5). I hope someone has some ideas for us!

What we are focusing on right now is helping DS express his feelings. He seems to lash out most when he can't find the words he needs to express how he feels. Still, it has been challenging.

[jellop]

I wish I had some words of wisdom or advice for you. It may help to get a counselor, I don't know. It just may be that developmentally, he hasn't gotten *impulse control* down yet. Every child develops differently, and gets their social skills at different times. Maybe he's a late bloomer on this. Just keep working with him, and don't make him feel too bad - or feel too bad about it yourself. I'm sure you are a great momma. Hope it all works out okay for you all soon.

[mamaduck]

My first thought is that maybe he is just not ready for preschool.

My second thought is that he is a kid who needs an energy outlet -- and that something like swimming, gymnastics, or soccer might really help to focus his energy. I know a LOT of parents who rave about how much karate has helped their kids to focus and control their energy. So maybe look into a little kid karate class?

If you were to bring a counselor in, what exactly would you be looking for? If you go this route, then I would be very specific in what you are requesting. If you want him to have therapy -- that is, 1:1 time to express himself with the counselor -- this route may not be a good way to get insight or information for yourself. But it might be a helpful process for him.

If you want a consultation -- then it might be a good idea to find a behavior specialist to observe him a few times, for a few hours, and then make recommendations. You can call your school district or your state services might have a division for children's mental health. Finally, you could talk to his doctor about having a psychologist assess him for ADD, aspergers, etc.

I do think that most five year olds have developed a level of impulse control. Though -- your son maybe just needs a little more time?? Or maybe he has special needs that require a different level of support. However, many children lack empathy at age 5 -- and I would not worry or focus on that aspect at all. Emapthy is a tough concept for a 5 year old. He is still all about himself, and thats really okay.

[peacelovingmama]

[QUOTE=mamaduck;7586341]
My second thought is that he is a kid who needs an energy outlet -- and that something like swimming, gymnastics, or soccer might really help to focus his energy. I know a LOT of parents who rave about how much karate has helped their kids to focus and control their energy. So maybe look into a little kid karate class?

QUOTE]

I forgot to mention that this has helped our son channel his energy a great deal. Right now he's not enrolled in anything, but I do notice a difference when we do soccer or swimming. I think that, for him, there is a correlation between endless energy and impulse-control issues.

[blsilva]

Thank you for the hugs & thoughts.
I have read that karate is especially good for kids like him, and have thought about it, but, truthfully, am afraid to sign him up because I figure that if he has this much trouble with preschool, I don't know how he could handle a karate class. Maybe I'm wrong there. How does this work?
I think he is ready for this preschool- it is very loving, very nurturing, and he does well with every other aspect of it. It is his social development that seems to be behind. He is like this at home, and was like this with the kids in a playgroup we joined for a while. He just seems to focus so much on what it is he wants, that everything (and everyone) else ceases to exist, and he has a seriously difficult time shifting his focus- this is the type of kid for whom redirection is simply not an option, kwim? When he cannot have what he is focused on, he gets frustrated, and his emotions are intense- yelling, crying, etc.
The counselor that our teachers mentioned would be a behavior specialist, a consultation, like mamaduck mentioned, and would come in to observe, discuss, and hopefully offer insights on how we can all help him adjust.
He is making progress in preschool- in fact, his teacher said that if she had all year, he would likely be okay by fall, but we came late to this school, and since she only really has 2 months left with him, she is worried (and I am terrified) that kindergarten will not be a good experience.
Just a thought- could the new puppy we got a month ago be contributing? He has always been like this, but seemed to be doing better until a month ago, and has seemed to backslide since. Ideas?

[jellop]

Is it possible for him to do preschool again next year? My close friend had her 2 youngest boys (Z & B) participate in preschool for 2 years instead of one, so that they would be totally settled into the school routine - Z is now in 4th grade, top of his class, doing wonderfully; B is in 1st grade and very well adjusted. Yes, they are both a little older than most their classmates, but noone seems to notice or care. My friend didn't approach it like that they weren't ready or that something was wrong with them, just that it would be cool next year to know what was going on (kinda like they were ahead of the rest of the class). It was awesome for them. Maybe check into it. Also, check and see if there's anything in the summertime that will keep him somewhat grounded into this type of routine, so that next school year isn't an adjustment getting back into the swing of things.

I don't know. It's just the more I think about this, the more I think *he's only 5*. He's very much still a very young child, trying to sort/figure things out. I don't think there's anything wrong with him - sometimes I think we expect too much out of our children behaviorwise to act more like little adults than the exploring, learning little beings that they are. I'm not trying to put you down, or make you feel guilty in any way - society has a way of trying to fit all our children in a one-size-fits-all mold. And guaranteed, if you are feeling the pressure to make him "fit in", he's feeling that same pressure (only probably more intensely), and it may be more counterproductive than helpful. So, maybe just step back and relax, take time to enjoy where he's at and what he is learning, don't worry about his lack of impulse control for now - that will probably fall into place on it's own when *he's ready*.

Also a couple more thoughts: is he overly stimulated in the classroom setting that makes this more intense? Also, food sensitivities could be a problem (I feel like that's become one of my mantras lately - what are they eating?), as I've seen huge differences in attitudes/behaviors vs food eaten in all my children. Just possible other directions to look in. Good luck.

[mamaduck]

I like Jolene's idea of having him do another year of preschool. I know that a lot of parents put kindergarten off for an extra year, and it can really help a kid to be a bit more mature when they start.

Having a behavioral specialist come and observe him sounds like a good plan too. What harm could it do, really?

[blsilva]

We are definitely, strongly considering an extra year of preschool, and have even asked his teacher to reserve a space for him next year in case, but we have a couple issues with that, too (of course )
His birthday is in January- he turned 5 then, so towards the end of next year, he will be 6, and, physically, he is already larger than most of the kids in the class. We worry that he will feel out of place, and that, academically, he may be bored, as he catches onto the academics very quickly- especially in the later grades. If kindergarten was what it use to be when I was a kid, I wouldn't worry, but they expect so much! And yet, it seems like all the other kids in his class are able to muddle through. Could there be some reason he is not?
I feel sorry for him. He loves people, and he wants friends. He just doesn't seem to fit in anywhere. The other kids avoid him, and I don't blame them. They don't want their toys snatched out of their hands, or their hands grabbed even when they've said no. Or to be yelled at when they take them back.
Maybe, as jellop brought up, we are just expecting too much. I'm just hoping that there is something I can do to help him bring down the intensity of his emotions, help him learn to be aware of the other kids, and their feelings, yk?

[maya44]

Originally Posted by mamaduck

If you were to bring a counselor in, what exactly would you be looking for? If you go this route, then I would be very specific in what you are requesting. If you want him to have therapy -- that is, 1:1 time to express himself with the counselor -- this route may not be a good way to get insight or information for yourself. But it might be a helpful process for him.
.

A counselor might be able to do individual "social skills" work with the OP's son and recomend "social skills" classes. My nephew went to these classes at the OP's sons age and they were a real lifesaver.

With their older child, my SIL thought that he'd "get it in time". Well he was almost though middle school and it did not happen. Poor kid. He finally got help but by that time it was hard. With her youngest, when she saw the same signs, she was proactive and signed him up right away for social skills classes. There was an almost overnight change in him. He suddenly understood what everyone else just "got." You could see the relief on his face when he would play with others.

I do think that while most kids pick up social skills info naturally, like social cues, easily, others need training and practice. These "social skill" classes can really help a child who needs to be "taught" what comes so easily to others. But once they are taught, they can do great.

[captivatedlife]

My mom homeschooled my youngest bro for kindergarten. It's super easy and took them 3-4 hours a day.

Maybe he could go to prek for morning, eat lunch homeschool for a couple of hours and then do some sport or something.

just an idea.

Good luck. I'm SOOOOOO scared about my lo growing up. What am I going to do???

[GuildJenn]

Some kids need more help learning social skills than others, and it sounds like your son is one of them.

I'm not sure I personally perceive it as a discipline issue except of course in terms of discipline being "to teach" - if he is comfortable and happy at the preschool overall, I don't think he is acting out of an unmet need (as he might be if he were throwing tantrums or something). It's more that he needs to learn a few skills. If that makes sense? My brain is fuzzy this morning.

I think if you look at it as simply a skill set he needs extra help with then you have a good base from which to evaluate the consultation, etc. - that is, as long as whatever they suggest fits in line with your overall parenting philosophy then it's good. I'd see if some skills training (like a social 'road map') worked first before considering it a maturity problem or anything like that.

Some specific ideas I have are maybe arranging few playdates with a slightly older child who's willing (relatives are great if you have any) and really talking him through the steps of play with that child. It will seem odd and artificial but it sounds like your son is very bright in other areas and hearing it all verbally might help. ("Here is how we wait and here is how we ask to join in with the blocks")

You can model it for him too, in your interactions, by pointing out what you do with your partner or with him ("boy I'd like some milk for my cereal but I will wait until your daddy's done").

And you can roleplay with him by "playing school" or "playing playtime." As long as it's done -playfully- you could flip roles with him - first you let him be "the grabber" and then you can let him be the "grabbee" and talk about it.

I am not a huge fan of books that moralize a lot at kids, but this might be a time for them. You could look for - or make together which might be really fun! - a few books that talk about playtime and sharing time and how hard it is to WAIT WAIT WAIT for toys and things. All in a spirit of fun though, so that he sees it as a plus and not a minus to his day.

[blsilva]

Thank you all for so many replies!
I do think that the counselor will be helpful- the classes regarding social skills sound interesting, too. I'll have to look into those. Would there be other kids there with similar problems, do you think? It may be good for ds to be around other kids who are also learning this, so that he would not feel so alone.
Homeschooling is an option we are keeping open. We have even looked into a charter school nearby that allows homeschooling, with some classes offered at school for social growth, etc. I just worry that if I keep him at home more, his social skills will be worse. I have always thought that part of the problem is that I am not a social person, and pretty much avoided social encounters for the first 3 years of his life. : He is the oldest by several years in my family, and the youngest by 10 years in dh's family, but the neighbor kids are always out, so maybe they can teach him a thing or two.
I was unsure whether to post this in the GD or Learning at school forum, but since it is not just at school, I was hoping that there was something I could do to teach him at home how to do this. And I wonder what I have not done to make him this way.:
I like the idea of role playing. We have used this before in other situations, and and he seems to learn well from it.
Thanks so much for all the ideas!

[MaceyMom]

find a Play Therapist

a good counselor will give you insight that you cannot see...an objective stance. he or she will focus in on DS' strengths and areas that need help. maybe look at it as being proactive instead of reactive. also if you can find a play therapist or an arts therapist (art, music, dance/movement) that would be FANTASTIC. your DS sounds like a spirited child so sitting and talking will probably not happen.

[GuildJenn]

[QUOTE=blsilva;7593204] I have always thought that part of the problem is that I am not a social person, and pretty much avoided social encounters for the first 3 years of his life.... And I wonder what I have not done to make him this way.: [QUOTE]

Don't be so hard on yourself! If he hasn't played a lot with other kids I suppose that could have an impact but over his whole lifespan there will always be things that your family has that are great (like being able to enjoy one's own company!!) and other things that he needs to learn outside the family. That's just fine! Don't knock yourself over it. What's amazing is to be able to recognize something & go from there.

[CJNeeley]

hubby and I are pretty shy and have very outgoing kids and his best friend is really outgoing and a bit gregarious and has a more shy son so I'm not sure how much we as parents have to do with it... but I wouldn't blame it on yourself anyway it won't help in finding a solution.

The counselor might help if you can I might try it... Also, since the teacher mentioned that she thinks with more time he could be ready but school is only another 2 mo...maybe look into other outlets for him to be with other kids to work on things. I'd look for play groups, summer day camp, etc to see if there were any thing to do outside of a school setting to work on interacting with other kids (and this might be a good way to practice things he learns with the counselor)

I really like the modeling/roleplaying ideas the teacher might even have some ideas based on what he's struggling with most often... And I wouldn't be afraid to hold him back if he's not ready next fall because he might get overwhelmed if put in a situation he's not ready for...