How much do you tell your kid(s) about the donor?

[lexbeach]

Lukas and Jasper recently turned four (I cannot believe it), and dw and I find ourselves in a new territory in regards to the donor issue. They are now old enough to understand quite a bit about their conception story and the fact that there is a person out there who is their donor. He doesn't have real significance to them yet (they don't understand the whole genetics thing), and they have never asked any questions about him. They have, however, become increasingly curious about dads in general, and their imaginative play often centers around father-son relationships (i.e. their Thomas trains are all each others fathers and sons). So, dw and I were thinking that maybe we'd start sharing more information about the donor with them just so that he could become a bit more of a real person to them. So, for instance, when they were looking at pictures of dolphins in National Geographic the other day, I told them that dolphins are their donor's favorite animal.

I'm worried, though, that we may be overstating the importance of the donor by referencing him so often. On the one hand, I want the information about the donor to be information that they've always known, but on the other hand I wonder if we should be waiting for Luke and Jaz to ask questions before we start giving answers. I don't want to unnecessarily emphasize a genetic connection that isn't that significant to dw and me (but which may someday feel really significant to Luke and Jaz).

Anyway, that's why I'm wondering what other folks are telling their kids!

Thanks for sharing!

Lex

[FtMPapa]

Do they ask questions?

"My" four year old (middle of three kids I babysit) knows her donor - they all have the same one, and he has two kids of his own, and is a friend of the family.

She is also super crazy about having me be her daddy - I think I'm the only guy she really spends a lot of time with, and when we go out, people reinforce that by calling me her dad. I think it must just be something about being four!

She knows that everyone else at daycare/preschool has dads, well, almost everybody, but she knows so many queer families that it doesn't really make sense to her.

She says things like "My friend from school has a mommy and a daddy and a little brother! And they all live in the same house!!!! IT MUST BE SO CROWDED OVER THERE!"

then I say "How so?"

and she says "It would be crowded if [known donor] and [his partner] and [his two kids] and my mums and [her big sister and little brother] and you all lived here! Plus the cats and dog!" (And she's right - that would about ten people in their little house!)

It's all really cute. On some level she thinks of known donor and I as her dad - him because her parents and her older sister have explained it to her in a way she understands, I think using the word dad. She calls him by his first name, but she also calls her parents by their first names a lot of the time (Or Mum X and Mum Y). She also thinks of me as her dad because we spend a lot of time together, and everyone out in the world is always calling me her dad. She likes trying on calling me "Daddy" and I don't discourage it or encourage it, but she doesn't call Known Donor "Daddy," at least, not that I've ever heard.

I think for her the genetic connection doesn't make sense at this age, but like you said, it may later.

For my own kid(s), I'm going to wait for the questions. I'm going with anonymous sperm, so I don't have much to tell. I don't want the conversation to take five minutes at age four and then have to repeat the same four facts at 6, 8, 10, 12, 14, etc!

[Monkeygrrl]

Pman (4y) believes that T is his dad...because this is all he has known...but when he starts really asking questions about which parent belongs to which child, then we will answer those questions...he understands that some kids came from one mom, and some kids came from another mom...but since T came into his life when he was 10mo, he doesnt know anything different right now...

when the time comes, i will explain that there are people out there that donate their eggs and sperm so that moms and dads can have babies...and someone did that for me, and now i have him...who knows where the convo will go from there...lol

peace...

[max_4477]

Hm, we hardly ever talk about my dc's donor. He is interested in daddies, but mostly he likes to play that he is the daddy and I'm the mommy (usually of a stuffed animal) or that he's one of his friends' daddies and I am the friend in question. He knows he's got a donor (actually we say "our" donor - "we" as a family have a donor, who helped me make a baby so we could be a family), but he has never asked details about the donor. Occasionally we’ll say “Oh, you must have gotten that from our donor” but it hasn’t come up a lot b/c the kid looks very much like me. The only thing we really mention is that the donor is Japanese, as people ask me all the time if dc is half Asian (I am not Asian). I dunno – we got our sperm from a bank and the donor’s not like a “real” person we know or anything. Just a nice guy who gave sperm so people like us could have a family.

I do have the long profile in dc’s baby book, for if/when he ever gets interested.

[Diane B]

I'm going to share a "best practices" idea from the adoption world, because I think it's relavent here. Adoption experts recommend that you DO introduce the subject of birth parents (or in this case, donors) so that your kids know it's an ok topic of conversation. If you never talk about it, they may get the mistaken idea that it's secret or off-limits. It doesn't have to be excessive, but when it naturally fits into the conversation, I would go ahead and bring it up.

Also, if you have a life book for your kids, that's a nice way to discuss their history and offer some language for them to talk about it. (A life book is just a a story book that you can make about how your children came to be part of your family.) We made our own on the computer.

[Satori]

This is a question I have wondered about for 7 years now and after talking to several child psychologists they have all advised I wait until dd starts asking questions. She's almost 7 and I have a 9 mo old and I figured they would start when I was prego but nope, still no questions! I've been taking the wait till she asks approach but I did get the XYZ and me book to explain about the baby but haven't read it to her yet.

[megincl]

I've been thinking a lot about this question recently. We have a known donor who was actually JUST in town as we're trying for #2 right now. He and DS are really close. But DS doesn't know that our friend is his donor, nor even that a donor is involved in his story, if that makes sense.

To this point we've taken the wait until he asks approach, and I did think that the questions would start to come around making another baby, as he knows we're involved in that right now, but so far they haven't.

I think that my worry about waiting is that he won't ask for a while and then he'll be mad that we didn't tell him earlier since he knows the donor. Or something like that. I'm definitely feeling a bit conflicted about this now, but I also don't want to sit him down and explain the complexities of it all without him being interested/asking.

I'd love to hear what folks who have a known donor have done in similar situations....and I also really appreciate hearing everyone else's wisdom here.

be well all,
megin

[lexbeach]

Thanks for all the responses!

I guess I was sort of surprised to read that many of you haven't really talked about your donor at all. We've been telling our boys their conception story since they were tiny babies, mostly for practice, but also so that it would be a story that they'd always known. I guess we were drawing from adoption research which definitely seems to say "the earlier, the better," in regards to sharing the adoption story.

I think I will write up a little picture book for Luke and Jaz about their donor and the conception story. That sounds like a really age appropriate way to explain it all. Also, other kids have been starting to ask Luke and Jaz about why they don't have a dad, and while I think the "because we have two moms" answer will probably suffice for a while longer, I can imagine that it won't be enough in a couple years. I want our kids to feel like they really own their story so that they can feel confident when sharing it with others.

I remember when I was pregnant with Luke and Jaz, and teaching kindergarten, I would get all sorts of crazy questions from the kids in my class about HOW, exactly, those two babies had gotten inside me. I remember one kid asking if I'd just taken some medicine to get them to start growing, and being so surprised that her parents hadn't told her about how babies are made yet.

I'm glad that Luke and Jaz already know how babies are made, and how they were made. But I think I will also maybe hold back on incorporating donor facts into our daily life until Luke and Jaz start asking questions. I don't want to overwhelm them with information before they're ready. I think the book will be a good way to lay it all out there, and will keep me from feeling like there's something I'm not telling them that I should be.

Lex

[chfriend]

An MDC mom swapped me an older edition of Heather has 2 mommies which contains the dr. trip. dd1 understands that a man who wanted to help 2 moms have a family contributed the sperm. That her moms loved each other so much they wanted to share that love with children, so we had her and her sister.

They both look like both of us...we talk about how dd2's eye color matches mine and that dd1's eye color matches dp's. (I carried dd1; dp carried dd2.)

dd1 is kindergarten/1st grade age and I can't imagine talking about how babies are made unless she asked a specific question.

[lmh222]

We're not pregnant yet but I came across these books that look really good for this "sort of thing". I know I've also seen others on this forum mention them but I thought I'd put the links here in case you haven't seen them yet. They offer a large variety of books to cover most conception situations.

http://www.xyandme.com/XYMe-Books.htm

Sample book (use left and right arrow keys to turn the page) -

http://www.xyandme.com/XYandMeSamplesecure.pdf

[Lingmom]

We've mentioned the anonymous donor now and again and we'd be happy to talk more if they had questions.

But just recently we've begun being asked (by our 5 yr old) how she came into the world. Not sure how to answer the question in a way that would make sense (talk of eggs seems too much like cooking, and talk of seeds like gardening), I picked up a book at the bookshop on a whim. I didn't pre-view it much, but I really lucked out! It talked not only of how babies are made (in the traditional way) but also mentions IVF and donor insemination... and talks about different kinds of families in a normal healthy way. It's very matter-of-fact and is aimed at 4 yrs old and up. Your four year olds may not be ready for the whole anatomy parts yet (it's quite detailed for a young child - ovaries, vas deferens, fallopian tubes) I'm sure you could pick out the parts that answered the questions they have and skip the bits they're less interested in. My daughter is fascinated by it all.

http://www.amazon.com/Its-Not-Stork-.../dp/0763600474

[frog]

The series "It's So Amazing" is really good, too, in terms of the mechanics and possible outcomes of conception.

[chfriend]

My 6 year old knows that a man who wanted to help 2 women wanted to share their love with a baby gave us his sperm.

And we read the old version of Heather Has Two Mommies with the trip to the doctor page.

Really that's the whole story, isn't it?

[happy2battachedmom]

donor info

Hi Lexbeach,
So, I'm new to the group and don't want to be redundant with any info you may have already read or thought about, but I saw your post and wanted to respond.
I look at this topic as important, but I don't want to make a big deal about it at the same time.
It is important for them to know that there are all kinds of families out there and that there are all different ways that those families are put together.
There are a lot of families that have a mom and a dad, but there are other families that have one mom and no dad, or one dad and no mom, or two moms or two dads, etc. But, all babies are made my using an egg from a woman and sperm from a man.
Because your family has two moms, you needed a man to help you make your babies. This man is not called a daddy, he is instead called a donor.
I think it is important for them to know that a donor and a dad are two different things, because otherwise they start wanting to have a greater connection with the donor and that can foster abandonment issues as they get older.
This is also where your partner's role becomes very important, because they need to look at her as their answer for what they do have.. "I was created by the help of a donor but my other parent is " " (your partner.)
Hope that helps,
H2bam

[sophiesgrandma]

I don't quite agree with the lets wait till they ask method. Sometimes children just don't know how to form the questions or they don't know if they can ask a particular question such as perhaps why don't I have a daddy or mommy. I became pregnant with my 3rd when my daughter was 6 and son was 4. I told them about my pregnancy and read them books with many different family situations and how a person does get pregnant. While before I opened up the subject to them they would ask an occassional question, after we read the age-appropriate books they fairly blossomed with all kinds of questions and curiosity. I mean after all, we introduce them to all kinds of subjects and if they become curious with the subjects and ask questions we answer the best we can and find out what we don't know. If we wait till they get around to asking, we may be waiting for quite awhile. It's almost like the don't ask-don't tell policy.

[lexbeach]

I just wanted to clarify that my original question was about whether or not to share the detailed information we have about our donor with our 4-year-olds (i.e. his favorite color, favorite foods, talents, physical characteristics, etc.) NOT whether or not to share the fact that our kids have a donor. They already are well versed in their conception story, they know where babies come from, they know how they were made and that they have a donor. We also have several donor siblings who we are in contact with, so I suppose that makes it more complicated.

I'm glad to have this dialogue!

Lex

[sophiesgrandma]

It seems as if you've done the "groundwork" and the children will feel comfortable asking you all the details as time goes on and it occurs to them or interests them. You are really establishing a comfortable, safe environment for an open dialog with your children-wonderful!

[gamitzer]

bump!

I was thinking about this question the other day because we just received our donor's profile info in the mail (including childhood photo, audio cd, health info, and personal info). We have no idea what to do with the stuff, aside from put it away until sometime in the future. I asked some friends what they would do, but they chose an anonymous donor and said they probably wouldn't show their kid any of the info since it would never really matter. But we have an open donor, so it's highly possible the kid will want to contact/meet the donor in the future (which we are totally fine with).
I'm basically soliciting opinions from all of you. I don't want the kid to become fixated on the donor, but I also don't want to deal with lots of hostility down the line when the kid finds out we had all a pic and cd and never shared it. Believe me, we are prepared for stubborn, angsty teenagers and can handle the guilt they will give us about the situation, but I also don't want it to seem like we are hiding anything from them. WWYD?

[FtMPapa]

Originally Posted by gamitzer

I'm basically soliciting opinions from all of you. I don't want the kid to become fixated on the donor, but I also don't want to deal with lots of hostility down the line when the kid finds out we had all a pic and cd and never shared it. Believe me, we are prepared for stubborn, angsty teenagers and can handle the guilt they will give us about the situation, but I also don't want it to seem like we are hiding anything from them. WWYD?

My gut says follow the kid's lead. You've got a while to go yet, I've got even longer, but I say always be clear and upfront about the donor, but in an age appropriate way, and then, when Junior starts asking questions, you can pull out the stuff. I think it's much less of a big deal for kids than it is for the parents and other adults - that's been my experience, anyway, with all of the donor-conceived kids I know...which is, actually, almost all of the kids I know!

[lexbeach]

Originally Posted by gamitzer

I asked some friends what they would do, but they chose an anonymous donor and said they probably wouldn't show their kid any of the info since it would never really matter.

I strongly disagree with this idea, that just because the kids aren't going to meet the donor, they don't need to know all possible information about him. Put yourself in your kid's shoes. What would you want to know about your donor if you had one?

We haven't shown our kids the baby photo, audio cd, or written information about their donor yet because they are still too young to understand. They'd be like, "what? This baby is my donor?!" But we will certainly show them the moment that they ask. I'm guessing it will be a few more years, maybe around 7 or 8?

We have a close friend whose biological father died when his mom was still pregnant with him. His mom ended up remarrying, and our friend has a dad, but he still wanted to know everything that he could about his biological father, even though he'd never get to meet him. Any photos or written information are so important to him. His biological father also had kids from a previous relationship, and our friend's relationship with his biological half-siblings has been hugely significant to him. We are trying to follow this example by giving our kids all the information we can about their donor as well as helping them to have the opportunity to form relationships with their donor siblings.

Anyway, I definitely think it will *matter* to your kid(s) quite a bit, open donor or not. We all want to know where we "came from."

HTH!

Lex