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Spinoff: Dear Ex - It Is Not Okay

post #1 of 33
Thread Starter 
I posted this originally on Ravenmoon's thread, but it is such different circumstances than what she is going through, and I felt like I was intruding on her thread. So I'm going to throw this out here, and encourage anyone else to please feel free to add your own!

* It is not okay to ignore my emails, phone calls and messages for months on end, responding only if I specifically use the word "emergency", and then complain later that you missed something because you "didn't know".
post #2 of 33
~It is not ok to expect me to change my life for your needs but when I need something you blow me off and act as if I never asked for a favor. Dont ask to give if you dont give in return~
post #3 of 33
It is not ok to promise me that you are going to be there forever and that you want a family more than anything, and that you will be there for our child no matter what happens and then dissapear off the face of the earth for 10 years. It is not ok to forget to pay child support on the month of your son's birthday, and randomly pay it whenever you get the urge or the police get too close.

It is not ok to avoid your responsibilities and avoid being a parent, when you knew full well what you were getting into when we decided to have a baby.
post #4 of 33
It is not okay to open the door to my bedroom when you are in my house. I had it closed for a reason: you were coming over : .
post #5 of 33
~ It is not ok to tell me how you are glad we get along lately, then not get your way and treat me like a piece of dirt on the street, and all because you dont get your way~
post #6 of 33
its not ok to fail to pay cs for four months and to claim that you paying off our debts was my "child support payment".
it is not ok for you to fail to call for weeks on end and then unexpectedly pop up in our dd s life whenever you "feel like it".
it is not ok for you to use my love of our children against me through the courts and a fake plea for joint custody all so you can reduce your cs amount.
it is not ok for you to try to use me for emotional support..we are broken up for a reason.
it is not ok for you to state that your not going to visit our kids for at least one year, after i agreed to reduce your cs payments so you could visit our kids.
all your selfish, self-serving atttitudes and behaviors are not and will never be ok. you will never be happy until you stop being so self-centered and accept some responsibility for your actions and your life.
post #7 of 33
After the weekend I just had here goes...

It is not ok to walk in while I am in the shower
It is not ok to lay on my bed, there is a spare bed at the other end of the house if you need to lay down
It is not, not not not ok to ask our son to contribute to the argument we are having, do not use him to back up your story
It is not ok to belittle me in front of our children and their friends
It is not ok to accuse me of something that you know full well I didn't do and am not even capable of doin
It is not ok to cut me off when I am speaking, you had your turn and I am entitled to mine
It is not ok to take my car and leave me 30 minutes out of town with 3 young children and no car!!! You didn't even leave me the keys to yours in case I had to go somewhere
It is not ok to call me a f/wit because I refused to say you were right when you couldn't even get your facts straight
It is not ok to tell me I am a c**t because I refused to drive you home and you had to hitch in the rain, if you had been a bit nicer to me I probably would have driven you home
It is not ok to threaten to take my children off me because I refuse to play your games
I could go on, but... getting all agitated so gotta stop
post #8 of 33
It's not ok to threaten to bring "help: (i.e. girlfriend) on your weekly 3 hour visit with your kids if I ask you to bring the baby....
It's not ok to come into my house and eat my food.
It's not ok to pop into the kids lives whenever convient for you.
It's not ok to take my car but refuse to let me use yours because you say I'll "trash it".
It's not ok to let your wh*re-friend call me a bit*ch on the phone.

It's not ok that you threw away 15 years of marriage, four kids, and a lifetime of trust........but now that you did, it's ok with me.
post #9 of 33
It is not ok to use your children's love to manipulate me.

It is not ok to abuse your children to get back at me

It is not ok to tell your children awful, hurtful, cruel, untrue things about their mother

It is not ok to demean your children because they love their mother.

It is not ok to prevent your children from seeing or talking to their mother when they are with you.

It is not ok to try to convince your children the divorce was all their mothers fault

It is not ok to tell the children they could have better things if their mother wasn't taking all your money.

It is not ok to tell your children their mother does drugs and sleeps around when they visit you.

Ok, gonna stop......I sure could keep going.
post #10 of 33
Dear ex:

It's not ok to throw a tantrum when you don't get your own way. You are a grown man and we have been seperated for 3 years now, it's time to stop with the threats and name calling. They clearly aren't getting you anywhere.

It's also not ok to not pay child support. Spending $600 to modify your ATV does not count as "more important" that your obligation to help support your son. Neither does getting your GF four unnecessary 4 dimensional ultrasounds just so you guys can see your baby. Way to prioritize!
post #11 of 33
I must be really hormonal/emotional today because reading through this thread tears are just falling down and I can't make them stop I am so sorry mamas. You all deserve so much better than this
post #12 of 33
Thread Starter 
I have another one! Just because I don't spend every penny you give me directly on the children doesn't mean that money isn't supporting them. Children like electricity. Children like heat. It is important for me to have insurance on my car so that I can take the children to all of their activities. Yes, I live very frugally so that I don't have to work and put the little one in daycare, so yes, some of "your money" help support me too. But you have no say in that. The state of Pennsylvania tells you what you should be paying, and the fact that I can stretch it far and not work should be seen as a positive, not a negative. Deal with it!
post #13 of 33
It is not ok to tell me stupid stories about cars and bikes and people I don't know. I'm a busy lady.
It is not ok to throw tantrums when you don't get your way, and it is really not ok to pretend it never happened.
It is not ok to ignore DS when you're mad at me.
It is not ok to stare at me "that way" just because I lost 20 lbs after I
left your lazy, childish a**.



Whew! That felt good. I may be back for more.
post #14 of 33
It is not ok to have an emotional affair with another woman and not tell me.
It is not ok to continually tell me how unhappy and stressed you are in our marriage when you are having an affair and not telling me.
It is not ok that I changed my work hours to help our marriage and you changed nothing and didn't tell me you were emotionally involved with another woman.
It is not ok that you were emotionally and somewhat physically involved with another woman before we even conceived our son and that you AGREED to have a child.
It is not ok that that woman is your former student.
It is not ok that I stood on my head to try and make this marriage work and you never told the truth.
It is not ok that you blame me for our marriage failing.
It is not ok that you still have not told me the truth.
It is not ok that I found out about your affair while 6 months pregnant from cell phone bill and then your best friend.
It is not ok that you walked out and left me when I was 5 months pregnant.
It is not ok that I have to give up time with my precious son because of your life choices.
It is not ok that your girlfriend gets to spend any time with my son.
It is not ok that you disagree with my choices about how to raise our son--- You left. You gave up the right to make those choices.
It is not ok that you are trying to force me to raise our son differently because YOU want overnights.
It is not ok that I have no idea how I will ever trust anyone again.
It is not ok that I have to have a relationship with you for the rest of my life. That, in order to provide the most stability for our son given your choices, that I have to swallow all of this. That I have to give up things I don't want to give up. That I have to negotiate with you. That I have to be nice to you and pretend I'm happy to see you.
It is not ok that I always feel that you are trying to pull my son away from his mama.
It is not ok that you always have to be in control. You made this choice, not me. I am just picking up the pieces. It's not my fault that you don't like the consequences of your choice.

Thank you... that felt good.
post #15 of 33
Thread Starter 
I was searching for another old thread and found this one, and thought it might be interesting to resurrect it! There are a couple of other people that I know are still around here in single parenting - it might be fun to read what you wrote back then and see how it compares to your life now. Unfortunately, mine hasn't changed that much - our problems are still mostly money (the best comment I got recently was "I have to work all this overtime so I can pay your bills while you sit around all day and do nothing..." - mind you I have two part-time jobs and I baby-sit). So here goes:

Dear Ex - it is not okay to try to force your new wife down our children's throats a month after you meet her, while complaining that our kids spend too much time with the boyfriend I have had for over a year.

It is not okay to tell me "You'd better not be acting like a whore in front of my kids!" - you left because you'd been cheating on me for over a year, you've been with at least three long-term partners and have had countless one night stands. I've been with one person - One Person! - you are the whore. Not me.

It is not okay to tell me that you do not have to work so I'll send the kids to your house, then go to work anyway, leaving our oldest daughter to babysit in a house she is unfamiliar with, in a neighborhood where she knows no one, where it would take either one of us over half an hour to get there if there was an emergency.

And it is not okay to avoid me for the three weeks since that happened because you know I'm pissed off. You are a coward.
post #16 of 33
Dear Ex - It is not OK that you've spent all summer being "fun dad" while you're off work, and now that school is starting again you're only going to see dd when it fits in your schedule, around sports and grading and working out. She's going to miss you and be confused, and I'll be the one to deal with the fallout. Thanks.
post #17 of 33
Dear Ex:

It is not okay for you to have all the fun parts of parenting--taking them to the park, the museum, reading the stories--and none of the work, like preparing meals, or cleaning up after them. This is why I am not okay with packing meals for you to take to the park, and why I am not okay with you spending your time with them in my home, and leaving the mess for me to clean up. I know that you go through life with the expectation that people will do what you want to make things more convenient for you, and I know that because you are so charming, they usually do, but I have come to realize that I really need to set some boundaries.

I am sorry that I have not been more consistent in the past with my boundaries, and I will try to be more consistent from here on out. When I do set boundaries, it is not okay for you to sulk when I ask you to do things you should have been doing all along, like preparing food and feeding them when you have them at dinnertime.

This is so therapeutic!
post #18 of 33
this is good good stuff mamas...this really IS therapeutic to read...what is wrong w/ these men???!!!
post #19 of 33
It is not okay to call me a bitch and worthless because you have to
pay child support

It is not okay to say that all I ever did was raise our children and that was so easy.

It is not okay to buy your self a new set of tires, but tell me I do not need
new tires when you can see the steal in 2 tires. My church help me buy them.
post #20 of 33
What an amazing thread, mamas! You all are so, so strong and beautiful. Your children are so lucky to have you.
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