Random thoughtsI don't have much advice to add. All I can think of is this might be something you just have to ride through. I have not read the book mentioned but maybe that thought is in there. I dunno. Your dd sounds alot like a hurt animal (a disclaimer of my own: no I'm not calling her an animal) pushed to a corner, lashing out and trying to hold her ground. You seem to understand where that anger is coming from too. She might need counseling and I'm not knocking it... but that always seems the answer. In some cases it is. And others, well maybe not. You could try to be on the lookout for triggers and try to headoff some of her fear. If she saw you being beat by your ex she probably has very accute reaction to any conflict. I can see her getting upset when you're having an intense discussion with your current dh if in the past that led to you being hurt. She just might need lots of time to come accept that is not the way it is now. I really like the idea of trying to giv her outlets to express her anger that do not involve ruining your home. Also, if she is in a sport like karate or anything, maybe that will help her feel better in how she earns your pride. I can't imagine her liking how she get "points from you" now. It is too slimy (not the right word but I hope ykwm) and beneath the way you know you raised her. She knows deep down it is not right but does not seem to be able to break it.
PS- I really like how their are teens on mdc