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Oh wait, back to banging my head into a wall! *post 77* - Page 4

post #61 of 112
It's good to hear you have some plan formulated. Way to go! Be ready to be flexible and allow for input from dd (dh too!... but not implying you don't...) and I think you'll have an easier time finding some peace.
post #62 of 112
Quote:
Trying to do the library with this bunch requires DH, and sometimes the National Guard, so we only go when we run out of anything to read.
I can reserve/request books online at my library, and then they're waiting at the desk for me, no mobilization force required! Maybe yours does, too?
post #63 of 112
Here's a question from a WoW player... lol

Did the kicking holes in walls behavior begin when she started playing WoW or other similar typse of games? Some of the thing that I've seen is that kids who play this game a lot can have huge, violent mood swings. They don't get that it's a game, it's supposed to be FUN, and they freak out in real life about ninjas and gankers (she'll know what that is ).

It was just a thought that occured to me as I was reading your post.

Quote:
DD has lost her allowance until further notice. She was getting $10 a week and starting to see the rewards from it (bought her own rollerblades) so it's a fair punishment I think. The money she's not getting will go towards fixing the hole, which is going to take an entire plasterboard panel, it's that big, and figuring out how to do the texture on these walls.
you could really go with this. Make HER get an estimate of how much it would take to fix it... make her do the research on how to repair sheetrock and call a hardware store, and then create an 'invoice' for the work that needs to be done based on her findings. Tell her that this is what she owes you and that you are 'garnishing' her, just like would happen if she damaged property of someone as an adult and went to court. I'd give her a percentage of her allowance and keep the rest for her bill. Talk to her about doing the work herself- how would that change the amount of the bill... it's important for her to see the consequences of her behavior and this would really make her responsible for all aspects of it. She might not get anything at ALL out of it other than not kicking a hole in the wall next time she's mad because she doesn't want to do all that work again!
post #64 of 112
Quote:
Originally Posted by Synthea™ View Post
She despises my dad because he's a jerk. I take care of him because I am the last of 5 kids and the rest gave up trying. He's not the reason she's acting like this, she's been temperamental since before she ever met him, but he definitely sets her off teasing and picking on her (and my other kids). He's an ass, but it's not an option to put him in a home.
I'm not an expert but this is really setting off alarm bells with me. Emotional and verbal abuse is still abuse. I have a lot of anger issues and some of it is due to that. I don't have any advice though
post #65 of 112
Quote:
You do not sound like a bad mom to me. Let me review what I have learned from reading your thread:

* You got out of an abusive marriage, protecting her from further harm
* You are willing to do what it takes to make schooling work for her, whether it's homeschooling or public school
* You hold her accountable when she breaks things, requiring her to clean up the mess if she's not able to actually fix the hole properly.
* You support her in conflicts with her grandfather
* You are modeling taking care of a difficult family member by taking your dad in (to me, that's significant and good.)
I agree with all of that.

My question is , has she always been like this? When she was little how did you handle her tantrums then? If she has always pitched some type of fit when things didn't go her way, then I would say this is a discipline problem. Have you always made excuses for her behavior? If this is a new behavior from a this child, then seeking outside help might be wise. I think it is hard to give advice on a forum because it is hard to get the big picture.
post #66 of 112
Quote:
Originally Posted by kathymuggle View Post
"Welcome to MDC, Muaile. I see you are new here and only have a few posts, so I wanted to give you a reminder of what the Gentle Discipline forum is about. Going into your child's room and taking all of her belongings is not part of gentle discipline. Here are some alternatives to consider."

PikkuMyy

Not to nitpick, but this isn't the Gentle Discipline Forum. It is the Preteen and teen section. Aren't most forms of dicipline allowed to be discussed here?

How is it going, Synthea? Sending good vibes to your household

kathy
It doesn't matter that this isn't the GD forum. GD is considered to be one of the core AP practices which is what MDC is about an advocates.
post #67 of 112
Quote:
Originally Posted by Muaile View Post
Hey hey hey, first of all I take her nintendo and her "cool clothes" away when she acts badly, I don't hit or beat my kid. I have an extremely well behaved child who understands actions = consequences.

I certainley take enormous umbrage with it being implied that this is not Gentle discipline? What is gentle then? Talking about it? Eh... come on... isn't parenting a bit past the "lets talk about why you hit your brother?" that NEVER works.... children need authority without fear. Thats what we have in my house....

God remind me never to offer good advice.

As for the language issue, my apologies, I'm from ireland and we curse alot!
You might want to venture into the GD forum and learn what it is. As your post makes it clear that you don't, and you belittle it. You do have a fear based relationship with your child. She fears you taking her stuff.
post #68 of 112
Quote:
Originally Posted by iamthesmilingone View Post
I disagree. My intent is to get my dc to a point where even if no one is around to enforce the rules, they will still do the right thing. I want my dc'c authority to stem from their own sense of justice and peace. If I train them that I am an authority figure and the enforcer or someone else is, how then can I expect them to be truly free?

EXACTLY!
post #69 of 112
Quote:
Originally Posted by Arduinna View Post
It doesn't matter that this isn't the GD forum. GD is considered to be one of the core AP practices which is what MDC is about an advocates.
Agreed but GD has many different practices and 'discipline' is in the definition.
post #70 of 112
My point was that the rules of discussing discipline on MDC are universal, they aren't limited to one forum.
post #71 of 112
"My point was that the rules of discussing discipline on MDC are universal, they aren't limited to one forum." Arduinna

I would sincerely be grateful if you pointed out where this rule is written....

IMHO opinion, I hope it is not a rule - as it may preclude thoughful and helpful discussion.

Apologies to Synthea if this is thread-jacking a bit.....

Kathy

Edited to add: I read the rules in the User agreement. It mentions advocating loving discipline - which would apply to all threads. However, I do not think removing priveleges is contrary to "loving discipline".
post #72 of 112
The topics of what is gd and nfl for that matter are open discussions at MDC. I am not an old timer by any strength of the imagination yet can attest to how in depth those topics have been. And will continue to be. I think that is a good thing. Maybe, if people want to start a thread on what is gd'ing or loving discipline a teenager that would be better than doing it on this thread
post #73 of 112
[QUOTE=Arduinna;7690267]You might want to venture into the GD forum and learn what it is. As your post makes it clear that you don't, and you belittle it. You do have a fear based relationship with your child. She fears you taking her stuff.[/QUOTE

First of all if you want to call "respect for other people" fear, then fine.

There isn't a responsible parent alive who would say kids are entitled to "stuff" ie rewards. Why on earth you are promoting a free ride for children is beyond me.

I have read Mothering Magazine for years, I have been parenting for ten years and have another baby now too - ds 3 mths.

I have never ever ever got the impression from Mothering magazine that the way to successfully parent children is to give them privelege and expect nothing in return, I have never once seen that.
I expect to be treated like a person by my children, if they wouldn't do it in school or another house then they won't do it in my home. I don't treat them with any less respect.

Being respectful and slightly fearful of authority figures is the only way to be. I know I get nervous when the police are doing insurance checks, even when my insurance is all fine. Thats life.

Giving your children "stuff" and then letting them walk all over you is going to teach them nothing.

Our job as parents is to support our children and to prepare them for adulthood. That is our JOB. I take my JOB extremely seriousley and if you met my daughter you would see I do a good job. Respect is commanded not demanded and you can't give give give and exppect nothing in return. I expect respect, for myself and my house. Nobody is kicking any walls in here, and if they did I would make them pay for the repair. I wouldn't be paying for a counsellor. Teenagers have tempers, and emotional outbursts. Thats the way they should be.... its part of their make up. Its how we deal with it that matters.

If My dd kicked a hole in the wall this is what would happen,

A) quietly and calmly I would hand her the phone book

B) she would find a plasterer

C) she would decide how to earn the money.... car cleaned out €5, stairs vacuumed €3 etc etc

D) Her nintendo would be stopped until the job was done.

How do you seriously think that is abuse?

If I kicked a hole in a wall anywhere I would be expected to pay for it.

Create a microcosm in your household and then your teenager won't get a huge shock when they enter the real world.

They don't offer counselling instead of paying for a wall an adult kicked in.

If its not loving to prepare someone properly for a journey then I don't know if I want part of this magazine anymore, I don't send my kid out in the snow without boots on, and I'm sure not going to send her into the world without appreciating other peoples right to be respected....

God love us all if the generation who will take over from us have no respect for others or anything....
post #74 of 112
[QUOTE=Muaile;7711346]
Quote:
Originally Posted by Arduinna View Post
You might want to venture into the GD forum and learn what it is. As your post makes it clear that you don't, and you belittle it. You do have a fear based relationship with your child. She fears you taking her stuff.[/QUOTE

First of all if you want to call "respect for other people" fear, then fine.

There isn't a responsible parent alive who would say kids are entitled to "stuff" ie rewards. Why on earth you are promoting a free ride for children is beyond me.

I have read Mothering Magazine for years, I have been parenting for ten years and have another baby now too - ds 3 mths.

I have never ever ever got the impression from Mothering magazine that the way to successfully parent children is to give them privelege and expect nothing in return, I have never once seen that.
I expect to be treated like a person by my children, if they wouldn't do it in school or another house then they won't do it in my home. I don't treat them with any less respect.

Being respectful and slightly fearful of authority figures is the only way to be. I know I get nervous when the police are doing insurance checks, even when my insurance is all fine. Thats life.

Giving your children "stuff" and then letting them walk all over you is going to teach them nothing.

Our job as parents is to support our children and to prepare them for adulthood. That is our JOB. I take my JOB extremely seriousley and if you met my daughter you would see I do a good job. Respect is commanded not demanded and you can't give give give and exppect nothing in return. I expect respect, for myself and my house. Nobody is kicking any walls in here, and if they did I would make them pay for the repair. I wouldn't be paying for a counsellor. Teenagers have tempers, and emotional outbursts. Thats the way they should be.... its part of their make up. Its how we deal with it that matters.

If My dd kicked a hole in the wall this is what would happen,

A) quietly and calmly I would hand her the phone book

B) she would find a plasterer

C) she would decide how to earn the money.... car cleaned out €5, stairs vacuumed €3 etc etc

D) Her nintendo would be stopped until the job was done.

How do you seriously think that is abuse?

If I kicked a hole in a wall anywhere I would be expected to pay for it.

Create a microcosm in your household and then your teenager won't get a huge shock when they enter the real world.

They don't offer counselling instead of paying for a wall an adult kicked in.

If its not loving to prepare someone properly for a journey then I don't know if I want part of this magazine anymore, I don't send my kid out in the snow without boots on, and I'm sure not going to send her into the world without appreciating other peoples right to be respected....

God love us all if the generation who will take over from us have no respect for others or anything....
Amen sister!
post #75 of 112
Quote:
Originally Posted by Synthea™ View Post
She wasn't being punished when I sent her to her room, she hadn't even asked yet to play on the computer. DH and I started arguing, I stopped, asked DD to go read in her room, she complained she wanted to play on the computer and stormed off. It was like : I went in to talk to her, tell her I wasn't mad at her and say I was sorry for making her leave and she just glared at me, it wasn't til about 20 minutes later that DH discovered the hole.
I haven't read the whole thread yet, but this stood out for me. When I was around that age, if my parents argued I often did things to distract their anger away from each other, usually by drawing it to myself. I could handle my parents being angry with me, I could not deal with them being angry with each other.
post #76 of 112
Synthea's daughter didn't just have an emotional outburst. She is dealing with consistent anger management issues - it's not normal teenage behavior. Paying for counseling to figure out the root of the anger is solving the problem rather than just putting a bandaid on it.
post #77 of 112
Thread Starter 
After tonight, I'm definitely getting her into SOMETHING. In the time it took to blink, she went from fine to stomping, yelling and throwing a chair into my (the landlord's brand new) oven, almost breaking the glass. This one's entirely on her, I gave her a 30 minute, a 15 minute, and a 5 minute heads up that computer time was about over, then I told her to finish up that thing she was doing right then (read: she had time, and knew she did, to finish up, save her program and close any other windows she had going) and get off, get a snack, and get some reading done. All said just pleasantly, like 2 hours ago, I told her it was time to unload the dishwasher and she did it just fine. She just completely freaked out. I AM GOING NUTS WITH THIS GIRL. ARGGHHH! Gotta find something that'll help her/us, I just want to strangle her (you know, like Homer does to Bart...) Sigh. And we've been working so hard since I last posted. It seems to be getting worse.
post #78 of 112
does she really need to use the computer. Maybe the computer could go on vacation til she gets a handle on her emotions. I am thinking counselling. ps my ex really did strangle my dd and it didn't work.
post #79 of 112
Thread Starter 
I think we'll limit the computer to (home)school work only. Don't worry, I won't strangle her, but I sure wanted to.
post #80 of 112
I'm feeling really sad for your dd. Maybe she needs more compassion? She's obviously hurting inside a lot. I went through a stage like she's going through, and what I really needed most was compassion, empathy, and understanding. When I was in your dd's place, I just wanted my mother to understand why I was so angry and acknowledge that my anger was valid and appropriate. When instead she was simply frustrated and angry with me for my admittedly inconvenient behavior, I just felt even more alone in the world, which did nothing to improve my behavior.

I would echo the advice to seek counseling or maybe group therapy. Your dd is surely significantly traumatized by witnessing the abuse early in her life. She needs someone to help her see how that early abuse of you is affecting her today. Also, I too would consider your father's verbal abuse of your dd to be another probable cause of her misbehavior. I also had a male relative who was very critical of me, and he really hurt my feelings and lowered my self-esteem. If I had had to live with him the way your dd does, it really would have been unbearable to me. Home is supposed to be a haven, but how can it be for your dd if there is someone there who is regularly insulting her?
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