It's good to hear you have some plan formulated. Way to go! Be ready to be flexible and allow for input from dd (dh too!... but not implying you don't...) and I think you'll have an easier time finding some peace.
post #61 of 112
3/28/07 at 9:08pm
|Trying to do the library with this bunch requires DH, and sometimes the National Guard, so we only go when we run out of anything to read.|
|DD has lost her allowance until further notice. She was getting $10 a week and starting to see the rewards from it (bought her own rollerblades) so it's a fair punishment I think. The money she's not getting will go towards fixing the hole, which is going to take an entire plasterboard panel, it's that big, and figuring out how to do the texture on these walls.|
She despises my dad because he's a jerk. I take care of him because I am the last of 5 kids and the rest gave up trying. He's not the reason she's acting like this, she's been temperamental since before she ever met him, but he definitely sets her off teasing and picking on her (and my other kids). He's an ass, but it's not an option to put him in a home.
|You do not sound like a bad mom to me. Let me review what I have learned from reading your thread:
* You got out of an abusive marriage, protecting her from further harm
* You are willing to do what it takes to make schooling work for her, whether it's homeschooling or public school
* You hold her accountable when she breaks things, requiring her to clean up the mess if she's not able to actually fix the hole properly.
* You support her in conflicts with her grandfather
* You are modeling taking care of a difficult family member by taking your dad in (to me, that's significant and good.)
"Welcome to MDC, Muaile. I see you are new here and only have a few posts, so I wanted to give you a reminder of what the Gentle Discipline forum is about. Going into your child's room and taking all of her belongings is not part of gentle discipline. Here are some alternatives to consider."
Not to nitpick, but this isn't the Gentle Discipline Forum. It is the Preteen and teen section. Aren't most forms of dicipline allowed to be discussed here?
How is it going, Synthea? Sending good vibes to your household
Hey hey hey, first of all I take her nintendo and her "cool clothes" away when she acts badly, I don't hit or beat my kid. I have an extremely well behaved child who understands actions = consequences.
I certainley take enormous umbrage with it being implied that this is not Gentle discipline? What is gentle then? Talking about it? Eh... come on... isn't parenting a bit past the "lets talk about why you hit your brother?" that NEVER works.... children need authority without fear. Thats what we have in my house....
God remind me never to offer good advice.
As for the language issue, my apologies, I'm from ireland and we curse alot!
I disagree. My intent is to get my dc to a point where even if no one is around to enforce the rules, they will still do the right thing. I want my dc'c authority to stem from their own sense of justice and peace. If I train them that I am an authority figure and the enforcer or someone else is, how then can I expect them to be truly free?
You might want to venture into the GD forum and learn what it is. As your post makes it clear that you don't, and you belittle it. You do have a fear based relationship with your child. She fears you taking her stuff.[/QUOTE
First of all if you want to call "respect for other people" fear, then fine.
There isn't a responsible parent alive who would say kids are entitled to "stuff" ie rewards. Why on earth you are promoting a free ride for children is beyond me.
I have read Mothering Magazine for years, I have been parenting for ten years and have another baby now too - ds 3 mths.
I have never ever ever got the impression from Mothering magazine that the way to successfully parent children is to give them privelege and expect nothing in return, I have never once seen that.
I expect to be treated like a person by my children, if they wouldn't do it in school or another house then they won't do it in my home. I don't treat them with any less respect.
Being respectful and slightly fearful of authority figures is the only way to be. I know I get nervous when the police are doing insurance checks, even when my insurance is all fine. Thats life.
Giving your children "stuff" and then letting them walk all over you is going to teach them nothing.
Our job as parents is to support our children and to prepare them for adulthood. That is our JOB. I take my JOB extremely seriousley and if you met my daughter you would see I do a good job. Respect is commanded not demanded and you can't give give give and exppect nothing in return. I expect respect, for myself and my house. Nobody is kicking any walls in here, and if they did I would make them pay for the repair. I wouldn't be paying for a counsellor. Teenagers have tempers, and emotional outbursts. Thats the way they should be.... its part of their make up. Its how we deal with it that matters.
If My dd kicked a hole in the wall this is what would happen,
A) quietly and calmly I would hand her the phone book
B) she would find a plasterer
C) she would decide how to earn the money.... car cleaned out €5, stairs vacuumed €3 etc etc
D) Her nintendo would be stopped until the job was done.
How do you seriously think that is abuse?
If I kicked a hole in a wall anywhere I would be expected to pay for it.
Create a microcosm in your household and then your teenager won't get a huge shock when they enter the real world.
They don't offer counselling instead of paying for a wall an adult kicked in.
If its not loving to prepare someone properly for a journey then I don't know if I want part of this magazine anymore, I don't send my kid out in the snow without boots on, and I'm sure not going to send her into the world without appreciating other peoples right to be respected....
God love us all if the generation who will take over from us have no respect for others or anything....
She wasn't being punished when I sent her to her room, she hadn't even asked yet to play on the computer. DH and I started arguing, I stopped, asked DD to go read in her room, she complained she wanted to play on the computer and stormed off. It was like : I went in to talk to her, tell her I wasn't mad at her and say I was sorry for making her leave and she just glared at me, it wasn't til about 20 minutes later that DH discovered the hole.