Originally Posted by Synthea™
The counselors she spoke to right after she came home said she didn't need any counseling for it. When I said she's fine, I meant to type, she's not been negatively effected by that. That's why I never brought it up in this thread until another poster mentioned it. It doesn't apply here.
Her anger I'm sure does stem from a build of of various things, but what I think, assume, or dismiss as being or not being the problem doesn't matter. I don't tell her I think those things and what I think doesn't stop me from seeking help for her. I apologize, I got too open with details in this thread, and too open without properly explaining some things, I often unable to type out what I'm trying to say, what I'm thinking. My being presumptuous or not doesn't matter as I'm getting her help as soon as I can find it.
I totally understand not being able to type what you are thinking. I think we all struggle with that. And of course in this type of situation, it's never possible to include all of the details in the first, or even subsequent posts. That's one of the problems with internet discussions - that people respond to what you say before you've said it all. And of course since it's not in real time, it often takes a while for clarification on both sides.
I think it's wonderful that you have come here to get suggestions and just air what is going on. Certainly you acknowledge that she's not fine or you wouldn't be posting. I know you that, I just wanted to state it clearly. And you've already said that you are going to try to get her help, whatever is going on with her. My point is simply that you can't say what is or isn't contributing to her emotional issues. The counselor might not even be able to get to them. But I think it's a mistake to dismiss incidents like the ones discussed, even if it seems like they aren't affecting her. My mother made a lot of assumptions about what I was feeling, and why, but most of them were wrong. I don't blame her for making them - she had to try to find a reason.
Even in counseling, the root of her issues may not come to light. But if the counselor is good, he/she should be able to give her tools to deal with how she is feeling in a more productive way, even if the source of them is not dealt with until she is older.
I was in therapy as a 17 yo for a variety of depression/anger issues. I had the urge to do some of the things your daughter does, but I controlled it. Instead of smashing the wall, I threw socks, or turned up my music really loud. So it didn't seem as urgent to my mother, as it does to you. The therapy really helped, mostly I think, because the personality of the therapist really went well with mine, and I was able to listen to her thoughts and suggestions with a totally open mind, even if they weren't always right. I think I avoided getting into serious self-destructive behavior because of it. (I engaged in some, but not too much.)
However, the therapist never found out what the cause of my issues were because I didn't even understand them myself. Now I happened to be raised in a cult which caused a huge variety of issues as the cult was misogynistic, brainwashy (in a always-be-happy, don't discuss anything negative way) very controlling, secretive, homophobic, etc. And I didn't realize that most of the problems with my mother (which is what started the counseling) were reflections of what the cult had done to her, and to me. It was only about 6 years ago that I was able to address those issues with myself and with my mother.
Certainly your life is different than this. But my point is just that even if you can't figure out what is going on with her, therapy can still really help. I am eternally thankful for the time I had with my therapist, even though it was so many years later that I "solved" the issues.