negativity, manipulation in 7 yo daughter

[Truly S]

hello everone, I've posted a thread in the blended family section as well, I thought this would also be a helpful place to gain some insight.
I have a 7 year old daughter, she is smart, compassionate, earth lover, organized....And she is also manipulative, negative and easy to cry when she get's hurt, muddy or wet.
Help!:
I've been taking her to a play therapist, but so far struggles still ensue. We moved into a blended family situation about 5 months ago, but even when it was just she and I, there was this s t r u g g l e.
If she gets the slightest bump she screams, she quickly resorts to a negative attitude when things arent' her way, she is so unpredictable when we go for a family outing....it's like walking on eggshells. She says she really likes living her with my boyfriend and his 2 kids. We have many oppurtunities, a great house and lots of projects and love and fun....still she manages to be operating from this negative place so much of the time. It's affecting my relationship with her, and also my relationship with my boyfriend very much, and I need to do something! I can't go on like this!! I am tending to my own self to stay centered and postitive, but it's reached a very pivotal point.
Any one relate to this? Does anyone have suggestions that have helped to deal with this sort of behavior??
thanks, everyone

[oliversmum2000]

being a parent is mind boggling difficult

sorry no words, my head is spinning from my 3 today - each is being a challenge in their own way :

[Roar]

Two things occurred to me when reading your post. First, I'm wondering if she's had any evaluations or therapy for sensory integration problems. The negative reactions to getting bumps or getting wet is something often seen in kids with sensory problems. Second, I'm wondering if you've tried working on alternatives to crying when she gets hurt. With our son around that age we started working a lot on evaluating the injury on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being a very severe injury - go to the hospital at once, 1 is something you barely notice, etc. We found it really helpful to make up a scale together and start using it when he got hurt. It gave him something else to focus on besides his injury and started helping him differentiate between bad injuries and minor ones.

[a-sorta-fairytale]

I first wanted to ask about SID also. Sensory issues can make wetness, minor bumps etc feel HUGE.
Also, when i was in 2nd grade i started acting out big time. My mom had 3 kids at that point. I was feeling like i needed more attention. So i got the attention negatively as i didnt kow how to ask for more attention. So my mom being the smart cookie she is started picking me up at school every wednesday for lunch. She either picked something up and we ate it in a nearby park or she took me out to lunch somewhere i liked. It was less than 1 hour per week and my behavior changed so much. I was like a new kid. I so loved this time with my mommy. I got to talk without anyone bugging me AND i got to be special and be picked up from school. She still does weekly lunches with my little sisters (11 and 15) and they secretly love it too

[captain optimism]

Originally Posted by Truly S

If she gets the slightest bump she screams, she quickly resorts to a negative attitude when things arent' her way, she is so unpredictable when we go for a family outing....it's like walking on eggshells. She says she really likes living her with my boyfriend and his 2 kids. We have many oppurtunities, a great house and lots of projects and love and fun....still she manages to be operating from this negative place so much of the time.

Well, you know, she's a person, and like a lot of people would, she probably thinks on an intellectual level that living with three new people she likes is a good thing, but emotionally she's finding it stressful. Since she's only seven this comes out in tears and a general feeling of lack of resiliency in life's little challenges. I mean, yeah, maybe she's got food sensitivities or allergies, or maybe she's got SID--those are good things to check out--but probably it's just a stressful transition for her.

Lots of hugs and attention can be like emotional vitamins--if you give them pre-emptively, she might have more bounce-back from the getting wet-getting dirty-I don't like this sort of stuff.

[LoveBeads]

I agree with everything previously said. Sensory issues should be investigated and I would not discount the very real possibility that this transition into a blended family is much harder on her than you can imagine. Especially if she is a sensory kid - sensory kids have profound difficulties with transitioning. Ask her therapist if she can recommend somebody to do an evaluation.

[pookel]

I would hesitate before using the word "manipulative" to describe her seeming overreaction to minor bumps and bruises. Do you really think she's doing it intentionally? I remember one time when my toddler was in a great mood and busy playing when he fell down and bumped his head, and instead of crying, he just stood up, rubbed his head, and said "ow!" and went back to playing. But when he's tired or stressed or feeling neglected, the same experience will produce heart-rending wails. He's not doing it consciously, it's just that when he's already upset, one more thing will send him over the edge.

Heck, I do that myself ... stubbing my toe at the end of a long, hard day of working and being pregnant and trying to calm an excitable toddler will send me into a crying fit.

It sounds like your daughter is under a lot of stress, even if she says everything is fine, and when one more thing goes wrong, it's too much and she can't handle it.

[^guest^]

Ooooh...you sound like you could have been my mom.

I remember reading in Raising Your Spirited Child, about those children who just seem... "contrary". I was one of those kids. I saw the down side to every thing. We come from a serious, analytical, and yes, even a little bit negative viewpoint.

The bad news is, if it's just a personality trait (meaning I'm not talking about kids who suddenly approach things negatively because of bad circumstances or depression), they're not going to grow out of it. The good news is, it's a trait that can be honed and refined over time. These are the people who see both sides to everything, who have an ingrained sense of justice, who are serious about worldly causes.

I would suggest not downplaying her contrary thoughts and feelings. It sounds like she's a very intense, spirited little girl. A small bump or bruise, while to you seems insignificant, can be a lot more to a little kid. It might be that she's very frustrated that she failed at something she tried to do, she's embarressed, or something else, and is having a hard time verbalizing that.

Others have suggested SID, and that's possible too. But I would definitely stay away from labeling her as "negative" or "manipulative". It doesn't sound like she's trying to manipulate you, but rather it sounds like she's honestly feeling something she doesn't understand. Are there any other examples of her contrary behavior? Crying when one is bumped, bruised, muddy, or otherwise uncomfortable is pretty normal for a spirited kid.

[Truly S]

thanks for all the input...

thankyou, I appreciate everyone's input. A lot of people mentioned the "sensory integration"; Her play therapist brought that up when we first started going to her, and I looked through the checklist, some of it applied and some of it did not. I suppose she has some of that going on.
Neoma, i wanted to reply to your question, "are there any other examples of her behavior besides the screaming when getting hurt" situation.
My answer is YES! there are many things, that is just the tip of the mountain.
I hate to use the word 'manipulation', but in some sense she is. She will be playing with her 'step sister' and try to control the way the games go, she'll suddenly show an interest in a toy or place right after her step sister goes for it.(ie, the swing, jump rope, etc...). She will get all upset about getting dressed some mornings, but more than anything else at all, she will react to situations with a negativity,: (i.e., sourpuss face, crying, whining, tensing up, hiding in closet, talking with attitude). :
She creates a heaviness in the environment she is in, most often, it is in our home (it's winter, inside a lot more), but even a family outing to the woods, or a park....she can so easily throw all her dark attitude all over it, that it makes everyone feel like crap!
It is up to me, as her mother, to be able to handle her, and so far I'm not doing such a great job at the discipline end of things.......

can anyone relate to this stuff?:

[amyb15]

She seems to want attention. Every "bump" she gets isn't really making her cry, it's making her want more attention. Not sure if I'm making any sense, but it seems that she should be around more people her age and see what happens there??

[yllek]

First of all, It sounds like YOU are trying to balance a lot in your new situation too.

About your daughter, my thought is this... And I don't know to say this without sounding snarky, but I truly don't mean it that way. I hope you understand that my intention is to be helpful here... But anyway, is there some way that you could be less negative about your attitude toward her?

It sounds like right now you see her as a sourpuss (and she may very well be), but rather than letting that be your vision of her, could your frame your experience like, "Oh, my little girl is feeling so sad right now. What could I do to cheer her up a little? Make her day a little bit brighter?"

Sometimes when a kid is "crying for attention," it helps to give them some, you know?

[Magella]

First, I can relate. I have a child who is very challenging, who is very intense, and often irritable. It's hard.

Originally Posted by Truly S

thankyou, I appreciate everyone's input. A lot of people mentioned the "sensory integration"; Her play therapist brought that up when we first started going to her, and I looked through the checklist, some of it applied and some of it did not. I suppose she has some of that going on.

I would urge you not to dismiss sensory problems because some of the checklist didn't apply to your dd. For most kids with sensory problems, I imagine that some things from the list of signs will apply and some will not. My child has sensory issues that have a huge impact on her life, and the checklists don't seem to completely fit her either. We're waiting on evaluation for sensory integration disorder, but even if she isn't diagnosed as having it the fact remains that her sensitivities DO have a major impact on her life and need to be addressed with compassion. I know with my own child, she *does* feel pain "more" than other people, she *is*more sensitive to pain, so she will cry over what seem like minor injuries to us. Noise, too many people or people too close to her, clothes that feel funny, all kinds of sensory things leave my dd feeling irritable and anxious and can lead to unpleasant behaviors. What we can do is recognize that these things are truly difficult for her, and help her learn to cope. And we are seeking occupational therapy, which I hear is extremely helpful to many kids.

I would also recommend letting go of descriptors like "negativity" and "manipulation", and instead look at her difficulties with curiosity-what other reasons might there be behing these behaviors? Take some time to assume positive intent, look at her with compassion and openness, look at what's going on around her, ask what's going on inside of her.

Originally Posted by Truly S

She will be playing with her 'step sister' and try to control the way the games go, she'll suddenly show an interest in a toy or place right after her step sister goes for it.(ie, the swing, jump rope, etc...).

Could she be feeling left out? Wanting to connect? Is she an inflexible person by nature? Is she anxious about anything? How is she really feeling about the new living arrangements? Could she simply think "hey, that looks fun" and not know how to go about joining in or have difficulty waiting?

Originally Posted by Truly S

She will get all upset about getting dressed some mornings

Why? Is it possible that clothes, or at least some of them, are uncomfortable? Is it because she doesn't want to go wherever she has to get dressed to go to? Because it's hard for her to get moving in the morning?

Originally Posted by Truly S

but more than anything else at all, she will react to situations with a negativity,: (i.e., sourpuss face, crying, whining, tensing up, hiding in closet, talking with attitude). :
She creates a heaviness in the environment she is in, most often, it is in our home (it's winter, inside a lot more), but even a family outing to the woods, or a park....she can so easily throw all her dark attitude all over it, that it makes everyone feel like crap!
It is up to me, as her mother, to be able to handle her, and so far I'm not doing such a great job at the discipline end of things

I would ask if it's likely that she enjoys this any more than you do. I would wonder what's going on inside her that could leave her feeling so bad. It sounds like she is having a lot of trouble coping, and needs support. I know it's hard to live with a child who is so irritable so often. I do. I also know that it can be so helpful to let go of wanting my child to be different than she is, it can be so helpful to move away from blaming her and wanting to discipline it out of her, and to move toward meeting her where she is and toward helping her cope so that *she* can feel better and enjoy life more. I know how much it can suck to have a great family outing planned, only to have it end in tears and disaster. I also know how wonderful it can be to understand better what leads to the tears and tantrums, so that we can plan outings that are successful. I would recommend, first and foremost, taking the time to really connect with your child and listen to your child, to meet her where she is, to ask what's going on and give her empathy when she's feeling badly and crying and irritable. Take the time to understand better. I have found that it is only by taking the time to understand better, setting aside my agenda and wishes regarding who I wanted my child to be and what I want parenting to be like, that I can learn to respond better to my child. And that doesn't mean giving up, or resigning myself to and approving of many of the most difficult behaviors. It simply means that I cannot address them effectively if I am not understanding them better.

Remember also that what we resist, persists. It might help to stop focusing so much on what is difficult and trying to stop it. Instead, take some time to focus more on what is wonderful about your child. Heal your relationship a bit, connect. Build on what is wonderful. Find humor. If you can manage to find some bit of humor, especially a bit of humor you can share with your child, in the midst of a difficult moment it can be so healing and wonderful, and can turn a tough situation around.

If you have fears about how your dd's behavior is affecting your relationship with your SO and your new living arrangements, I think that is something you need to address on your own with your SO. It's too much to ask her to change for the good of your relationship, IMO. The health of your relationship isn't her responsibility. And I do say that as someone who has felt the strain that parenting a difficult child can put on a relationship.

You might like this thread: http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=328627

and best wishes.

[yllek]

Awesome post, sledg.

[Magella]

Books that might help:

The Sensory-Sensitive Child by Karen A. Smith and Karen R. Gouze

The Highly Sensitive Child by Elaine N. Aron

The Explosive Child: A New Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible Children by Ross Greene (*IMO, a book that is good for helping one understand what gets in the way when *anyone* is behaving maladaptively, good for all parents-not just parents of "explosive" children. The basic premise of this book is that children do well if they can, and if they aren't doing well we need to figure out what's getting in their way.)

Raising a Thinking Child: Helping Your Young Child To Resolve Everyday Conflicts And Get Along With Others by Myrna Shure

[^guest^]

You know, I just realized, this definitely sounds like an only-child type of issue. She was an only child for most of her life. While on top I'm sure it seems to her, logically, like a great thing that she has people to share her life and her home with, but when you're an only child thrust into a blended family situation, it makes you uncomfortable for a good while. It's so hard adjusting to the family dynamics involved with siblings, and I'm sure it seems quite foreign to her. She, of course, can't really give you that detailed of an answer, so she just tells you that sure, she likes it just fine. Because she does. But as a sensitive person, that foreign, alien feeling she has that she can't describe and release, is causing a disturbance in her regular behavior.

She sounds a lot like I was when I was little. I was an only child used to just me and mom, and when she got remarried, even though I was happy to have a bigger family, a father figure, all that...I didn't know how different it was, and just how much life-altering changes like that (same with moving, people dying, family arguments) affected my social behavior. I couldn't possibly describe that feeling to anyone, my parents, my counselors, my teachers. I didn't understand that it was that new situation that was causing that emotional discomfort. Since I was already prone to an analytical, serious, "negative" mindset, and an explosive personality, I acted out and simply shrugged my shoulders when people asked me why I had done something. Even if they had asked me if it was that family situation making me upset, I might have said "no", just because, at 7-9 years old, I was not a terribly deep person. The emotions I had on the surface were all I thought to look at.

I say this all based on my own experience as a highly sensitive only-child put into a blended family situation, so YMMV. She might benefit from channeling her feelings into some activity - soccer, karate, kick boxing, anything really, something she can excel at and feel she has the start of her "family identity", who she is within this new family and how she stands out. A sport can be a great way for a kid to show off talents to their family...making it a family bonding experience. Even less physical things, like music, art, or some other interest, can help. I suggest sports just because it can sort of "burn off" physically that tension and unrest that builds up in sensitive kids.

[Tanibani]

I'm with Neoma here. I think it's the "new" family dynamics.

When my daughter am along, my 4 year old son (HN, very spirited, loud, but no sensory issues) was a BEAR for a good year and a half.

I asked my preschool director (very AP, she runs a parent co-op) what could be going on and her response "misbehavior is due to unmet needs."

Why do children misbehave? by Aletha Solter

Meaning... I wasn't paying enough attention (one-on-one) like we used to.

(I'm trying to dig up my original thread and not having much luck right now.)

Once I started to do that, he changed a LOT. He was kinder with me. He still has sibling issues with his sister, but it's no where near as bad as it was.

He still complains "she is always on your lap" (nursing, or used to be in the sling). So I give him more attention and he's better. He loves his sister, but resentment will build if he doesn't * feel * the love.

When did your boyfriend and his 2 kids move in?

Does she see her father regularly? What's going on in his house? Has he started a new relationship? That could also add to the build up of negative feelings.

I'm not saying any of this to make you feel bad. I'm just looking at it from a different angle.

When I have a special outting (with my son) he is SOOOOOO much better. Loving, kind and cooperative. I did that ONCE in December (ice skating) since my DD was born. I know a teacher that recommends doing it ONCE a month with each of your children. You can do this!

I do want to do it more often and I'll be taking him fishing on Saturday.

[Truly S]

Wow!

Wow, thank you for all this amazing input! I just read it all through, and I am going to take some time to digest it all....Thank you all so much, there is alot of really valid stuff here, and I'll reply to some of the questions soon.

Her dad and I just had a discussion this evening actually, and he also had some informative advice and input. (this is a new thing, he has struggled with depression for a long time...ever since I met him.)

I think there is something to what was said about how I respond to her getting hurt, and I could give more empathy....I guess it's such a trigger for me, that I havent' been as compassionate as I could be. I'm not mean either, just more of a "buck up, kid" kind of an attitude.

See, the thing is, When her dad and i were still together, (divorced when she was 4yr.), we began with what we thought was "attachment parenting', and we basically taught her that when she cried, she would get our attention.
Now, we are having to un do some of that, and teach her the skills of meeting her own needs, or just *asking* for the help she needs.

Well, i have a lot of food for thought here, and as far as spending more time with her one on one, I think that is significant also. It came up tonight in our discussion, and I think I could provide more of that....ease her into the new group and not expect her to accept it as readily as I have.

over and out,
thanks everyone, you've been so compassionate and helpful!
I'll check out the links, too.

[Silvercrest79]

Originally Posted by Truly S

thankyou, I appreciate everyone's input. A lot of people mentioned the "sensory integration"; Her play therapist brought that up when we first started going to her, and I looked through the checklist, some of it applied and some of it did not. I suppose she has some of that going on.
Neoma, i wanted to reply to your question, "are there any other examples of her behavior besides the screaming when getting hurt" situation.
My answer is YES! there are many things, that is just the tip of the mountain.
I hate to use the word 'manipulation', but in some sense she is. She will be playing with her 'step sister' and try to control the way the games go, she'll suddenly show an interest in a toy or place right after her step sister goes for it.(ie, the swing, jump rope, etc...). She will get all upset about getting dressed some mornings, but more than anything else at all, she will react to situations with a negativity,: (i.e., sourpuss face, crying, whining, tensing up, hiding in closet, talking with attitude). :
She creates a heaviness in the environment she is in, most often, it is in our home (it's winter, inside a lot more), but even a family outing to the woods, or a park....she can so easily throw all her dark attitude all over it, that it makes everyone feel like crap!
It is up to me, as her mother, to be able to handle her, and so far I'm not doing such a great job at the discipline end of things.......

can anyone relate to this stuff?:

I have a grumpy gus drama queen at my house. *pulls hair*

[sapphire_chan]

Thinking back to my own childhood, I'm sure that some of it is being 7. And not to scare you, but based on my own childhood a small part of the small part that's from being 7 might not go away until she's in her 20's. (My poor parents.)