When family members spank ???

[mom_2_carson]

How do you handle it? My sister held my newphews 1st bday party at my parents house this weekend. My brother and his 2yo & 4yo sons live with my parents but that's a whole other story. Well, all my family, with the exception of DH and myself, believe spanking is a wonderful tool for raising kids, yikes! My brother is also dating a girl with a 3yo and she is a spanker too. So after the party is over my DS who's 2 was playing with the other kids on a small bench that's in the house. They we're playing so well together, taking turns sitting down and getting up, this lasted about 15 minutes. The 3yo (brothers girlfriends daughter) started getting a little upset because she wanted her sippy but didn't want to lose her spot on the bench so she asked her mom for it and mom said, get it yourself and let someone else have a turn, and she didn't like that answer so she started pouting. Well, mom didn't like that, grabbed her by one arm and draged her through the kitchen and living room and down the stairs, then all we hear is screaming from both mom and daughter. I don't know if she spanked her, I'm assuming she did, but I'll never forget the look on my sons face when this happened. I took him out of the room right away and gave him a huge hug but I just wanted to cry.

So, I guess what I'm wondering is how do you deal with a situation like this? My family knows they're not welcome at my house if they're going to use spanking as discpline and I really don't like to be around them when things like this happen, but I don't want to cut my son off from seeing his nephews. Any advice would be great.

Jenn

[^guest^]

Does this kind of episode happen often when there's a get-together? If it's infrequent, I'd just remove my child from the area for a minute and talk to them, ask them if they're scared, if they want to leave. I'm sure experiencing something like that (just the way you described it sounds scary and unsettling to me!) as a toddler is horrifying, especially if you've never been spanked. If my child was frightened and wanted to leave, and we were able to leave, I certainly would. Perhaps it would send a message to the other party involved, but that's besides the point. Getting my frightened child out of a frightening, unsettling situation would be my main concern.

If it happens often, like every time you get together, I'd be frank. Tell them it scares your child, and you don't want them associating time with relatives as something scary and fearful. If they can't, at the very least, wait until they are in private (I'm sorry but in another room doesn't count as "private" to me if there's screaming and hitting involved), then I would tell them, truthfully, you can't attend get-togethers at their house because it frightens your child.

Edit: That doesn't mean I'd cut off all contact. You can always make an effort to do things out in public. It sounds like the gf is spanking out of anger and frustration, like she's totally losing it. She would probably try a little harder to keep her cool in a public setting.

[Emmalina]

I don't have any advice but just wanted to send some sympathy your way (and to the little girl who was hit by her mother). I know my ds would have been really traumatised in that situation, it sounds like the mother's reaction was WAY over the top. I understand people lose their cool but this just sounds like she is trying to control her daughter in a really unhealthy way.

Just want to congratulate you on making a healthy and positive choice for your family in the face of opposition

[annekevdbroek]

My entire IL family is pro-spanking. When DS1 was small I heard all sorts of "positive" spanking stories... You know, to convert me. They visited (nephews) and parents asked me for a wood spoon to hit the kid! I said no! I've stopped hearing all the positive spanking stories as DS1 is now, by far, the best behaved of all the children. (I wonder why????) I also have a friend and her Dh who have overly strong punishment reactions (yelling, raised voices, spanking) and have not left DS1 there for babysitting because it is too scary for him. (He went once and it was traumatic). They are fine on a visit basis since their behavior is checked by my presence.

Anyhow, I agree with PP that you need to speak up - at least that it is scaring your child, and then cut short/eliminate visits if need be. I doubt you'll be able to convert the family to nonspanking. When your child is older you can talk about the punishment, spanking, etc.

[dynamicdoula]

My family are spankers as well. I am particularly close to my aunt whose kids are the same ages as mine (she's 12 years older than me), and of course my kids have seen her kids get spanked. At first, when my oldest was about 4, he would yell at her, "HEY! We don't HIT people!" She totally understood that we dont spank and why, and understood why ds was sensitive about it but she was firm and replied, "I will parent my child how I see fit" or something along that line. I explained (right in front of her) that some parents do things differently than we do, and that she loves her daughter very much and thinks that is the best way to correct her, but that we don't do it that way. He really struggled to understand and fortunatley we only ever saw like one spanking and a few handslaps ( ), nothing like the OP described.

I still don't know how to handle this but we did the best we could in the moment.

[dynamicdoula]

When DS1 was small I heard all sorts of "positive" spanking stories... You know, to convert me.

My family knows better. I parent 100% opposite of my family and I'm so long winded about why, no one has really ever tried to convert me to anything. I think they're a little scared of me.

[phathui5]

If the norm for gatherings were incidents like you described, I doubt I would go.

I don't allow spanking in my house and I try not to take my kids somewhere where it would be an issue, relatives or not.

[rmzbm]

Originally Posted by phathui5

If the norm for gatherings were incidents like you described, I doubt I would go.

I don't allow spanking in my house and I try not to take my kids somewhere where it would be an issue, relatives or not.

Couldn't have said it better myself!

[chefpaige1]

I teach my children to stand between bullies and their victims, so I think I'd have to take a stand here and explain what I'm teaching my child and that I won't allow the victim to be hit.

[heartmama]

If it's frequent I wouldn't go. To me it would be as alarming as having bil smack my sister. Bad enough if I knew it happened in private, intolerable to stand as witness to something like that with loved one's. I wouldn't say anything, just decline large gatherings and invite them to childless get togethers if possible, or keep in touch by phone/email until the kids are older (people *tend* to spank less as kids get much older).

[mom_2_carson]

Thank you for all the advice. DH and I talked about this a little last night and have decided for the time being that we are going to make it through my DS's bday party next weekend, at our house with my rules, and then take a break from seeing my family for awhile. I'll try to keep in touch with them by email and phone but we'll try to avoid any gatherings.

I do have one more question though, because this will probably be an issue for many years, seeing as the kids are pretty young, and we can't avoid gatherings for the next say 10 years, how do you make the child that's spanked understand that you're not leaving because of their actions? I can't imagine what it would be like to be 2, 3, or 4 and get spanked by your parent and then see people leave. How can I help them not associate their behavior with us leaving?

Jenn