Speaking for dc

[rosebuds]

It seems that I have been guilty of speaking on behalf of my children and now the consequence of that is very apparent.

When my dd's were young they were very timid/quiet with other people, extended family, people in stores, friends etc. I think even before that I started speaking on there behalf when they were pre-talking and it just continued. When they were toddlers I would find myself answering for them when people would ask how they were or what they were doing. If they wanted something I would go and ask for them. When teaching them to use thier manners I would say thank yous and your welcomes for them.

It just always felt so awkward when for example the librarian would ask them how their day was going and my dd would just stand there staring up at them, clinging to my pant leg. So I would try to show by example how we speak to people by saying "oh thank you for asking we are having a lovely day"

That then progessed into them expecting me to speak for them and now that they are 5 and almost 7 it is still rare that they will open up and talk to people. It has gotten better with family but it is most frustrating that they still wont speak with neighbours/crossing guard/people we see on a regular basis. I have tried to explain to them that it seems rude that they dont say hello when someone else says hello to them. I try to stand back more and allow them the opportunity to talk but they just don't. Now with my almost 7y/o she still expects me to ask her teacher things or her brownie leader things that she should be responsible for.

I dont know how to get out of this rut. I have been trying to encourage them like I said but I dont feel I have been making any progress.

I would love to get to the point where they could atleast show some good manners when the crossing guard says good moring and return the greeting. I dont expect them to go into detail about our morning or anything like that.

Does anyone think that I need to wait a bit longer before I expect even that much or are there some things I could say or do to help them be more confident in speaking up for themselves?

Here are two examples that are current and have yet to be dealt with:

- dd needs new reading logs from school. This morning I told her to ask her teacher to please send some home. She said she wouldn't.

- dd also needs to know wether or not she should wear her uniform to camp this weekend for brownies or just to pack it. When I said she could ask at tonights meeting she asked me to.

I usually end up doing it for her. Funny how when you write things out things seem clearer because as I am typing I see that I probably will have to let her see the consequences of her not asking for herself (and hope she doesn't come down too hard on me for not having done it for her) If she doesn't get more reading logs then she doesnt have them to hand in. If she doesnt ask about the uniform she shows up wearing what she guesses she should.

Those seem like pretty cut and dry teachable moments but I dont know what to do about not saying Good Morning to the Crossing Guard.

As a side note, I have never preached "Dont talk to Strangers" I have always talked to them about trusting thier gut and if they dont feel it is right to speak to someone they dont have to but I would have to say the crossing guard and the majority of the others they dont speak to would not fit into that category.
I REALLY thank you in advance for your suggestions!!!

[reepicheep]

I don't know what to tell you except that my mother always forced me to speak when I didn't want to, and it didn't help. I remained as shy as ever. Not much in the way of advice, just wanted to say that you shouldn't feel responsible.

[robinkate]

I'm wondering about this too. I've always encouraged dd (3.5) to say hello and goodbye, and usually she would, but lately she refuses to. I don't know if I make it worse by asking her to say it or if I should just let it go for now. Seems like either decision could be wrong! And I think a lot of it is temperament as well, so it may not make much difference what I do.

[Jessy1019]

I would let her see the natural consequences of her actions at this point. I think seven is definitely old enough to respond when greeted or to ask a known adult a question.

My four year old has always been good at speaking for herself (like ordering full meals in restaurants and specifying alterations that she wants made, no seasoning on her brocoli or whatever) and she gets a lot of really positive feedback for doing so . . . maybe once your dd started, she would see how much people appreciate it?

[babygirl24]

Originally Posted by rosebuds

I usually end up doing it for her. Funny how when you write things out things seem clearer because as I am typing I see that I probably will have to let her see the consequences of her not asking for herself (and hope she doesn't come down too hard on me for not having done it for her) If she doesn't get more reading logs then she doesnt have them to hand in. If she doesnt ask about the uniform she shows up wearing what she guesses she should.

I was thinking this exact thing right before I started reading this paragraph. My suggestion would be, since you have been doing it all along and making up for them, I would sit them down and tell them you are not going to ask the leaders and teachers for them anymore. Explain to them that they need to do it and what will happen if they don't and the follow through with it. I think I would not worry so much about the crossing guards, cashiers, etc. Just answer for yourself or smile and I think eventually they will see you are not doing it anymore for them. HTH!

[cristeen]

I wouldn't necessarily blame yourself for this. That is just the personality some people have. To this day I have difficulty speaking to "strangers". As a child, I would hide behind my mother, even with people who i saw regularly (like her friends).

I had a roommate who was the type of person who would strike up a conversation with anyone she's ever met. We used to go grocery shopping together and while standing in line she would ALWAYS have a conversation with at least one other person in line. I've always been in awe of that ability, but I do not have it. I am too self-conscious to be comfortable talking to people.

I would say definitely encourage them, and teach them the natural consequences, but don't push them if they're not comfortable with it.

[lindberg99]

Yes, 7 is old enough to ask your teacher a question. But that doesn't mean that all 7 year olds are going to do it.

I doubt your DD's will be like this forever. My DD was very shy in kindergarten and 1st but once she got close to 8, she became more outgoing. One time she got the wrong order in a fast food place and walked back up to the counter and asked for the correct order, something that I'll admit I would be kind of shy about doing. But I would just try to take getting them to talk more one step at a time. A good first step might be for you to write a note to the teacher or Brownie leader and have your DD give it to the adult. This might help your DD gain some confidence in approaching people.

I'm just afraid that the natural consequence for your 7 yo of not asking about the Brownie uniform may not just be showing up in the wrong outfit but showing up in the wrong outfit and being embarassed and maybe teased by the other kids. If your DD is shy, she probably doesn't like drawing attention to herself and this might be worse for her than it would be for a more outgoing child.

[chfriend]

Is your 6 year old a kindergartener? Is it hard for her to get her teacher's attention to ask a question?

I'd be concerned if my young child was not comfortable asking the teacher a question and follow up on it as a concern with her comfort level in the setting she's in.

Your kids are very young. If you continue to model assertiveness, they'll likely pick up on it.

I've found that people were often quite rude to my children, so I honestly wouldn't encourage them to interact more than they felt comfortable.

[Aliviasmom]

I usually give dd a CHANCE to speak, and when she chooses NOT to, then I answer for her. She sometimes takes a little while to warm up, and I don't want to make her uncomfortable by FORCING her to talk. She certainly knows HOW to though!

Sorry, I guess I really don't have any advice for you!

Oh, and my brother (21) who is very popular, outgoing, etc. REFUSES to go into businesses and ask for applications...he makes my mom do it!

[mommy68]

I doubt you are the one that made them this way. The reason I say this I speak for my kids like this a lot too, always have. My oldest two were always quiet when really young and I would speak for them because I knew they were not comfortable doing it. I also do it with my youngest child now even though she is VERY outgoing and can speak for herself and does so in most situations (she is 4). I don't see that it affects them negatively since I've done the same with all of my children and I have them all to compare one another to. Your children may just have the type of personality where they tend to be shy/quiet. That's not a bad thing ya know.

[Twocoolboys]

Originally Posted by rosebuds

I usually end up doing it for her. Funny how when you write things out things seem clearer because as I am typing I see that I probably will have to let her see the consequences of her not asking for herself (and hope she doesn't come down too hard on me for not having done it for her) If she doesn't get more reading logs then she doesnt have them to hand in. If she doesnt ask about the uniform she shows up wearing what she guesses she should.

Those seem like pretty cut and dry teachable moments but I dont know what to do about not saying Good Morning to the Crossing Guard.

I didn't read the other responses, so I apologize if this has been said.

I think you answered your own question. I think 7 is old enough to start seeing the natural consequences for not speaking up for yourself and not asking questions when you need to know the answer.

But, I wouldn't worry about the crossing guard. If they don't want to say hello, then I don't think it's a big deal. I wouldn't do it for them, but I also would not expect them to do it either.

I was a VERY shy child and I can say, without a doubt, that I would not say hello to anyone like a crossing guard either. I also would not ask questions when I needed to. I grew out of it and am now a polite, chatty adult - lol.

I did have to consciously work on asking questions of teachers and I remember doing that in high school. But, it wasn't anything that my mom prompted me on. I decided for myself that it was time for a change because I was sick of being the shy girl.