How to keep my cool when he won't nap?

[limabean]

I WAH, and rely on DS's usual 3-hour nap to get the majority of my work done. I get up 2 hours before him to get stuff done in the morning, work those 3 hours during his nap, and work another 2 to 3 hours after DH gets home to get in a full day's work during the week and leave my weekends free to hang with the family.

But lately DS is only napping every other day or so. He's almost 29 months, so he's probably getting ready to give up his nap, but I find myself getting so frustrated when he won't sleep, because I know it means I'll be up late that night, or working all weekend to try to catch up. It's so hard for me to go get him up after only 20 minutes of work and be cheerful. I don't say anything to him about work, but sometimes I feel myself on the verge of saying ridiculous guilt-tripping things like, "Great, now mama's has to stay up late tonight, thanks a lot!" And the whole rest of the afternoon, until DH gets home and takes over, I'm playing with DS but thinking about all the time that's passing with no work getting done.

I know it's not his fault, that he just doesn't need as much sleep these days, but it's still frustrating! I'll be sending him to preschool for 3 hours 3 days a week once he turns 3, but I've got to find a solution for the 7 months between now and then! And I've got to find a way to not be a grump all afternoon on the days he doesn't nap -- any ideas?

[iamama]

A mama's helper? College student, friend, kennel etc.

[momuveight2B]

How about working on a quiet time. He can stay nearby or in his room with toys and activities of your choosing. It won't be perfect but as you say he is getting ready to give up his nap. I know some people are against television but IMHO it is an alternative for those times when you must get something done. There are lots of educational videos to choose from.

[mavery]

My current trick for quiet time is talking books. I recently discovered that my ds will happily lie on his bed or play quietly for an hour listening to a book on CD. (He's 3.5 and loves the magic treehouse stories which are probably too old for your ds, but I bet there are other song and story cds that last for an hour or so and would give you a break.) My ds has probably been listening to long stories on CD since he was around 2.5.

[Aura_Kitten]

s


mama, it sounds like you need a break. are there any grandparents that can step in and help out during these times?

... if not, is there any way you can rearrange YOUR schedule to accommodate the times when he needs to have quiet time...? that way you can rest with him, or even do a quiet activity, and then later do the work you need to get done....

good luck. i know how hard it is. :


and when all else fails: breathe, and remember that he won't be this little forever, or even for a few more months, because in a few months he will be totally different! so: Breathe.

[limabean]

Originally Posted by Aura_Kitten

are there any grandparents that can step in and help out during these times?

... if not, is there any way you can rearrange YOUR schedule to accommodate the times when he needs to have quiet time...? that way you can rest with him, or even do a quiet activity, and then later do the work you need to get done...

Yes, luckily my MIL will be on spring break soon and has offered to take him during the day a few days that week, which will be lovely. As for rearranging my schedule, I guess that's what I'm doing now -- I already get up early, and now I'm working late as well. It just doesn't feel that healthy, you know? I'm getting zero downtime, just caring for DS and then working every spare second when either DS is sleeping or DH is home. I liked it much better when we had evenings together as a family instead of me being holed up in my dungeon ... er, I mean office all evening.

You're totally right that he'll only be this little once, which is why we've held off on childcare this long, despite that fact that it's been pretty rough having a full-time job and no daycare for the past 2.5 years. I really am enjoying it, though, and we do lots and lots of fun outings, projects, snuggling, etc. I wouldn't trade these years home with him as a little one for anything; it's just hard on these days when he doesn't nap and I feel like I'm being pulled in too many directions -- it's my bimonthly freak-out, right on schedule!

[Aura_Kitten]

oy == working late and getting up early do not a healthy mama make!

i'm glad you'll get a break.... and i know that arrangements like this (working your butt off with no breaks) are often necessary but that doesn't make it suck any less.


you're not alone. i remember that was one thing that kept me strong, and kept me SURVIVING, when i was working full time and going to school full time, 7 days a week out of the home and handling a relationship that was crumbling, (and etc., because there's always an "etc.")..... just remembering i wasn't alone, and that other mamas were out there working just as hard and harder than me, helped remind me that 1) i COULD do it and 2) "this too shall pass."

also, try to make time for YOU in the middle of all this. this might sound crazy but i think one thing that it's easy to forget, and one thing that drives us all a little mad if we don't do it, is that we need to take care of ourselves FIRST before we can care well for our children. the analogy that was given to me was, if you're in an airplane crash, who does the mask go on first - the mother or the baby? the mother - so she can care for her baby. if the mother sacrifices herself to give the baby the oxygen mask first, then there will be nobody left to keep on caring for the baby....

[CJNeeley]

When my oldest went through that phase I ate lots and lots of chocolate... small pieces that I could pop in mouth exactly when I needed to relax. I'm not sure it necessarily helped in a legitimate sense, but they were a small comfort to me (because I love chocolate) and by not chewing them and allowing them to melt on my tongue I forced myself to take a short vocal break--I couldn't say anything while it was in there--so I couldn't say something horrible I didn't really mean in a heated moment.

Also, I instituted quiet time where he could choose to: listen to soft music, read books, take a nap or any combination of them he liked for an hour which he could time himself on his very own dollar store egg timer... Later, maybe around 2.5 or so he liked pretending to do things like 'meal plan' I'd give him week old circulars a notebook and a pencil and he'd sit at the dining table doing his 'work' while I got things done. He'd present me with his scribbles and drawn on circulars and then he'd often say he needed 'a break' so he'd lounge on the couch talking to his stuff animals and drinking milk. Granted I only was fitting housework and finances around the down time so it might not buy enough time, or enough continuous time, for your work but might be a jumping off point...

[Nimbus]

I totally understand not wanting to spend every spare minute working. I've been there too and know it's really important to have some down time both with the family and on your own.

That's great that you'll have a little help from your MIL, although for a short time. I agree with momuveight2B on the quiet time suggestion. Our DS, just 3.5, recently outgrew his nap and we transitioned directly into quiet time. It even gives DH & I bonus alone time or time to nap on weekends, if we need it.

We have DS's room stocked w/ lots of books and let him choose 3-4 toys to take with him. We play quiet music and leave his door open. We also set a timer because it makes him feel like the time is shorter or more definite (I'm not sure which.) The suggestion of books on tape/CD is a great one!

There have also been a few times I've needed to work in the evening and DH also had to work. I've set DS's easel up next to my desk and stocked it w/ lots supplies, set him up w/ a tv tray and play dough right next to me, etc.

Hope you find a solution that works for you. Running full steam all day is exhausting!

[jtbuko]

Working from home while juggling little ones and getting no break is hard. In my own experience it sucked... the kids didn't get what they needed, I didn't get what I needed, and my work got shafted. If you can find and afford to add a little childcare I would highly recommend it.

Other things that helped me... getting some exercise in during the morning... going for a hike or a jog with the kids and then landing at the park afterwards got us all outside and prepped them for an afternoon which was more likely to include napping (not something we do well at my house) or independent play that allowed me to squeeze in a little work. Also, if you are out and engaged together all morning he may be ready for some space to play with his toys independently in the afternoons. Plus exercise was good for my sanity, and I imagine would be for any stressed mom's.

hth

[limabean]

Thanks -- these are all very good suggestions. We typically do have an outing in the morning, and today we didn't, which was probably why he wasn't tired enough to nap. I will try to keep up the outings in an effort to tire him out for as long as he'll tolerate naps, and when he's really ready to give them up, I think I will institute a "quiet time" at our house.

I do have some books on CD -- DS isn't quite able to turn pages well enough to follow along in the book, though, so I always end up sitting with him and turning the pages. I wonder if he'd be happy to just sit and listen, or flip through the book himself and not mind that he's not on the right page. I'll definitely give it a shot!

I like the egg timer idea too -- I guess I didn't realize that he was old enough to understand something like that, but I bet he would love it! It would be terrific if, instead of becoming grumpy-mama when I finally relent and let him out of his crib after no nap, I could just say, "Okay, looks like today is a quiet-time day! Here's your timer -- would you like me to play a CD for you?" Now if only I can get him to think that'd be terrific too...

[GuildJenn]

I was in a similar position and decided childcare was the answer (in my home, at least while he's still little). I found our whole day was starting to revolve around whether the nap happened or not and we weren't having any fun! And the lack of downtime was making me grumpy. I have a nanny in 10 hrs a week. Working from home doesn't mean not working!

I don't know if that is a possibility for you but I highly recommend it.

[limabean]

Ahh, we had a busy morning out and he took a 2.5-hour nap today, so I was able to get some work done -- all's right with the world!

[AugustineM]

I can so relate to needing DS to take a nap. When I was 8 mos pg with #2 I SO SO SO needed a nap (also working p/t). I would get so frustrated when he wouldn't. Finally I decided to just get up for an hour and try again an hour later. That usually worked.

If it didn't, DS got to watch an hour of TV while I napped... :

[katallen]

I would take dd somewhere else on the days she wouldn't nap, like the park, the mall, the YMCA and do fun stuff out of the house. If I stayed in I got to frustrated at first until I gave up on the idea of her napping. The plus side to not napping though was that she fell asleep earlier and sometimes stayed asleep longer in the morning so I always got some time for me or for sleeping extra. If you are really frustrated and can't leave the house you might consider a movie, this was always a last resort for me and I only let her watch one in a great while, but when it is a choice between losing my temper and having her sit and watch a show I choose a show.

[twopinknoblue]

I WAH as well, and use nap time as my time to work. I know how frustrating it can be when your children don't nap, and you don't get to work. My dd is 3 and still takes a 2-3 hour nap, so your son may not be ready to give up his naps just yet. DD went through a few spells of skipping naps and I thought it was the end for her as well, I just never gave up, and still took her to her room for a nap everyday at the same time, and she'd get right back on track.
She'll be 4 in a few months, and she is still a great napper.

On the days that she doesn't nap she has quiet time, where she has to spend 1 hour in her room either reading/looking at books, coloring, or playing quietly on her bed. That at least gives me 1 hour to get some work in. I also allow her to sit next to my desk and play quietly when she should be napping, that way she's still with me, I'm still with her and I can get my work done too. And when all else fails, I take a few deep breaths, leave the computer behind and put off the work until later. I work at home so I can be with my children, and to me that means not thinking about work while I am with them......it takes a lot of practice, but I've learned to let work go, live in he present moment, enjoy and cherish the time with my kids, and save work for later.

Good luck.

[Elijah's Mom]

Oh, do I hear you. I was so upset when my DS gave up his nap and found myself resorting to strategies I would never consider in any other circumstance. They didn't work. I did try quiet time ... but that only worked while I was in the room with him. For me, I just had to slowly accept that the pattern for our day was changing and I needed to allow him to change. I didn't like it; I fought against it for a while and found that to feel wretched for us both, and ultimately, just let it go. And that was right before I had my DD, so I was quite grumpy about it for a while.

So ... I guess I'd just honor that it makes you mad; that it is a new hardship on your work load. Basically, allow yourself to be upset about it -- and in the process, try to find a new routine.

Becca

[Mizelenius]

My 1st DD not napping at that age (I was in school so I needed to do work) was a big trigger back then for me . . .so, I had to assume with her that she would not nap, and plan accordingly.

To this day, I always tell myself that it is very likely my DC won't nap/go to sleep/stay asleep when I'd expect them to. I MUST for the sake of my sanity.

Plan your day as though he won't nap (my 23 month old stopped regular naps a month or two ago) and you'll do OK with your cool!

[limabean]

Dredging this one back up to say how GREAT the CDs are working! Instead of using books, which I worried would be too stimulating and would keep him up even if he started to feel tired, I just put on some soothing music, and he's been sleeping great, even today during a loud windstorm! So thanks for that tip!