What IS an appropriate response to three-year-old violence?

[LuckyMommaToo]

Because DS is way too rough with his little sister. I really feel like I want to have a zero tolerance policy toward violence, but I'm failing. I've tried taking him to his room. He screams and kicks the door (he's a very physical, energetic kid). I've tried swooping in and taking DD away. He follows us and laughs. I think I need to decide on something, explain it to him and implement it, but what? Please help me.
thanks,
Erin

[mashenka]

Oh this is a tricky one. We have, I think, similar issues. DS is just rough with DD and I was so tired of saying: "Gentle" that I finally banned that word from my vocabulary.

I got some great guidance from Naomi Aldort's Raising Our Children book, which I love for everything. She asks you to try to take the POV of the older sibling and see the roughness as an expression of some other need. So while you have zero tolerance for the violence, you can recognize it as a young child's need to communicate something. I am assuming, though, that your DS isn't violent with you or friends or others, because I guess that would be a different issue. She assumed that it usually had to do with jealousy issues towards the baby. I guess that is usually the case.

What I tried doing, that played on her suggestions, was to get one of my son's stuffed animals and have him play rough with it. So if he wanted to roughly hug the baby, he was supposed to do it to the animal, etc. It kind of took on a life of its own and he completely adopted the animal as his baby--dressing it, nursing it, changing its diaper, carrying it around with us. It's a little tiring to take care of a baby and a stuffed baby, but once he had his own baby, he was a little better with mine.

I think that at three they can understand empathy, but they don't really understand what they are doing, so explaining too much just doesn't seem to work. I think all that can work is to just repeat that we don't hit anyone and figure out what the trigger or underlying impulse is. But asking: "Why did you do that" doesn't get good responses either, so you usually have to do the figuring out. Maybe someone who's more wise in the ways of siblings can chime in.

I am sorry for this situation. It's really stressful.

[Rainbowbird]

Originally Posted by LuckyMommaToo

Because DS is way too rough with his little sister. I really feel like I want to have a zero tolerance policy toward violence, but I'm failing. I've tried taking him to his room. He screams and kicks the door (he's a very physical, energetic kid). I've tried swooping in and taking DD away. He follows us and laughs. I think I need to decide on something, explain it to him and implement it, but what? Please help me.
thanks,
Erin

: We have this problem with my 4 year old. I also feel like banning the word "gentle". He is very physical and always needs to be touching someone, and when he's mad, his touches hurt--even us adults. He will kick and slam his door, throw his toys, etc. It's quite difficult. We sometimes need to restrain him gently, which I don't like to do, esp. since I am usually on the receiving end of a kick or something...

Most of the time he is so loving and a wonderful person to be around. I will be watching this thread!

[Reha]

Hey, I was just going to post a similar question.

2 was a much easier age imo, 3 has been very challenging for me as a parent (so far at least).

I think it is time for me to read Alfie Kohn's book again....

[OMama]

I had posted a similar question a little while back. Here's the link to the thread in case you are interested. I got some great feedback and I thought it was a pretty interesting discussion as well. http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=624563

I have been in a similar situation with DD being aggressive to DS. I tried EVERYTHING, and I so wanted to keep doing the "gentle" approach. I really do believe that DD acts this way because she needs more attention and that I need to comfort her too. But honestly it didn't seem to be working and one day she hit DS on the head with a hard book and I had enough. He had a red mark right above his eye for over a day. Everytime I looked at him I felt like I had failed him as his mother. I hadn't protected him. I took the advice of some of the other responses (in my thread) and simply tried to give DD no opportunity at all to hurt him. It was exhausting but it seemed to at least break the cycle and DS wasn't hurt for a while. Later, when she went to hurt him, I simply got up and left the room. I told her we couldn't be near her when she hurt him. It helped that I was staying at my parents house at the time so they could deal with her when I left the room (as opposed to having her following me screaming). It is actually better now. I simply tell her that we can't be by her if she is hurting us. I do the same thing if she is hurting me. I see now that I think she did really need greater limits than what I was giving her. She still tries to get at him sometimes but I think that she really understands now that I will leave the room, so she is actually controlling herself a bit more. We have been talking more too about anger and how to express it and so on. I think this is helping her as well. I haven't given up by any means on the Unconditional/Connection Parenting, but in this case I needed to "modify" it a bit to keep my son safe.

[mavery]

We don't have the sibling issue, but ds has been very aggressive with me and dh. Two things have helped a bit. One is to immediately pick him up, hold him in a firm hug in our arms/on our laps and tell him that we need to keep everybody safe so we will hold him until he feels he can be gentle.

The other thing that helped is something I hesitate to admit ... but one morning in desperation we told him if we had to spend any more time fending off his aggression there would be no time for tv that day. (He watches a LITTLE tv every day and it's something he really looks forward to.) Though I don't think it taught him what I really wanted him to learn, namely WHY we shouldn't be aggressive, it actually stopped him from hitting us and helped break the cycle of frustration which was making us all miserable.

[mamaknox]

Sneaky violence

I guess it's not really violence since that sounds so harsh but it is definitely done with intention to cause injury. My 3 year old DS runs behind my 1 year old DS and pushes his back making him run faster and faster until he falls over cause his little legs can't keep up. Sometimes it is an all out whack or shove though. Then he crouches down and says so sweetly "What's the matter? You're OK." OK so I know you're thinking, he says that because that's what I say to him. I don't remember saying it and I certainly make sure I don't say it now if I did. He doesn't go to daycare or anything so I don't know where he got that!Everything is all fun and games and everyone is laughing before the fall. He's just down right sneaky about it!

[AugustineM]

Erin, I can completely relate. DS is 2 1/2 and DD is 9 mo. DS is way too rough with DD as well. I have not been consistent with my approach to this and I feel like I'm failing at it. Some days I feel like a horrible mother because of it (like today!). I've tried: ignoring it, removing DD and soothing her, removing DS to his room, and at the worst moments, yanking DS away and yelling .

I like what OMama said about simply removing herself and the baby. I feel like I have to do that sometimes. I also give tons of reminders to DS. Often, too I feel like DS is just trying to interact/play with DD but doesn't know how. So when I see him starting to be too wild, I'll suggest ways for him to play, "You can bring Anna toys! You can show her your tractor! You can run around and she'll watch!"

Overall, though, I think it just takes time. I've got to muster up patience from somewhere.......

[Smalls181]

Man, can I ever relate! Except that I am nannying a 3.5 year old, and a 7 month old, and my own daughter is 12 months. The 3 year old is pretty rough, and somewhat mean, to my daughter. I know thats its a transition thing, and also a backlash from when he was in a different daycare/nanny situation and was being picked on by bigger kids, but regardless, I am just trying to remain gentle but still trying to protect my daughter.

[LuckyMommaToo]

Thanks for all the kind responses. Omama, it was enlightening to read your previous thread. I like the idea of giving DS another object to touch/grab/pull so we'll try that. It's like he just has this intense desire to ... connect with his sister, and it results in him being too rough. I don't know.

I agree that sometimes he is probably craving connection with me, and I will really try to honor that. Although it goes against all my instincts to hug him after he's pushed his sister over. But I will really try. Sometimes, though, he just races by and "pats" her on the head. Way too roughly, but I think that's beacuse he's a boisterous three-year-old, not because he's lacking anything in particular. Our phrase is, "We're kind and gentle to each other in our family." Ad nauseum, as some of you pointed out!

Anyway, I think I'm going to try the blank face and remove the baby tactic for a few days to see if that has an effect.

I'm reading Kids Are Worth It (Coloroso) today, and she had a quote in there that's really resonating with me. Here it is:
"It is my personal approach that creates the climate. It is my daily mood that makes the weather...I possess a tremendous power to make a child's life miserable or joyous. I can be a tool of torture or an instrument of inspiration. I can humiliate or humor, hurt or heal. In all situations, it is my response that decides whether a crisis will be escalated or de-escalated and a child humanized or dehumanized."
-Haim Ginott

I'd love any more thoughts you have, and it makes me feel better to know my son isn't alone!
-Erin