Is there always a leader/odd man out? (Lord of the Flies????)

[BusyMommy]

Long story short but I'm wondering if our playgroup needs to end. They've played together since birth almost. Ds is now 6. His best friend is the group "leader," and is honestly quite competitive, sneaky and controlling. ALl the kids suck up to him. They want to be his best friend and ALWAYS have someone on the "out." ALWAYS We mediate, talk, watch, etc. etc etc.

I just lost it today. We went skiing and my ds pushed the "weak" one, stuck his tongue out and called him a name. He LOVES this kid. THey go to K together and LOVE to play. BUt, these d*mn playgroup dynamics kick in when they're all together. He gets so excited and hyper and wants to BE with the leader. Today, J was the weak one. Next time, it'll be E, etc etc.

I pulled my son out and carried him kicking and screaming back to the car and we drove home. He knows he was mean. He KNOWS it. He can't tell me why he acted that way.

Usually, I'd have a quiet word w/him about being nice, making good choices, we're all friends but I know that dynamic would keep playing out the rest of the trip.

My ds used to stay out of the dynamics until it was his turn last year to be the "weak" one for a few months and now he's right there w/the rest of them sucking up.

I mean, the kids all have fun together and love each other so is this just normal; ie. it really feels like Lord of the Flies to me or some kind of Alpha pack thing.

I don't want any part in it. AIGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH: : :


Somebody w/older boys please tell me if you've gone through this?!?!?!!?!?

Now, I have to head back and pick up my younger son who continued on w/the group. My older son is happy as a clam doing the hula hoop next to me. He calmed down w/in minutes in the car and told me yeah, he did a mean thing and that's why we left. : : : :


This is my LONGEST post ever here at MDC...sorry

[Twocoolboys]

I wouldn't be comfortable with it. I think I would cultivate other friendships for him, or maybe play with the boys that are his true friends one on one.

My ds had a similar situation in preschool, except the "leader" was not mean. He was actually a pretty nice kid, but all the other kids LOVED him and just flocked to him. And, they were pretty competative when it came to who was the leaders 'best friend'. The kid was so nice that he tried to give everyone a turn, but as much as I like the kid, I requested that my ds not be in his k class the following year. I wanted him to culitivate his own friendships outside of this posse that revolved around one person. He's in 2nd grade now and it has worked out beautifully. He's got some great friends. And, it's funny because now, the leader from preschool is in his class this year, but my son could take him or leave him. They are friends and he's still a nice kid, but they are not great friends.

[BusyMommy]

Originally Posted by Twocoolboys

I wanted him to culitivate his own friendships outside of this posse that revolved around one person. He's in 2nd grade now and it has worked out beautifully. He's got some great friends. And, it's funny because now, the leader from preschool is in his class this year, but my son could take him or leave him. They are friends and he's still a nice kid, but they are not great friends.

Yeah, that's what I'm thinking. He just needs to move beyond it for now.

Thanks for sharing--I hope we have a similar resolution.

[marybethorama]

I think it depends on the kids

Our playgroup has been like that when <cough> certain kids have been a part of it. There have also been times when that behavior DOESN'T happen.

Some kids seem to be really tuned into that kind of behavior. IME it doesn't matter whether or not they are homeschooled or watch TV. I wonder if it's a personality thing.

[chel]

The same thing is going on in my dd's class.

Glad to see I'm not the only one that uses the "carry the kid to the car screaming and deal with the issue once the dc calms down":

[Krystal323]

well. he's 6? possibly could he be acting in such a way as to get you to "be the bad guy" and remove him from a situation he doens't want to be in, but he's embarrassed to just outright say "I don't wanna play with those kids anymore"?? My son might have done that when he was 5 or 6. He's a pretty sensitive kid, and really tuned in to other ppl's feelings--he goes out of his way to not "step on toes" in situations like these, but then he ends up feeling annoyed and that is what "comes out" behavior-wise. Good luck with this!

(honestly my son pretty much disliked any playgroup dynamic starting around age 5, and he's homeschooled so it has nothing to do with school or anything)

good luck!