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SO shouldn't do housework b/c he's the provider?? - Page 3

post #41 of 140
Quote:
Originally Posted by lilylove View Post
My Dh and I both see managing the home as a responsibility we share. He lives here too. Everyone contributes. Our goal is to work together as a team, both to raise our children and to take care of our home. Because I stay home, I do much more with the kids and the house, but he pitches in whenever he is home.
:

While this is true, DH's idea of a clean house and my idea are


VERY DIFFERENT

post #42 of 140
Quote:
Originally Posted by mom2snugbugs View Post
:

While this is true, DH's idea of a clean house and my idea are


VERY DIFFERENT

Isn't that the truth! It isn't that DH isn't helpful, it's that he could care less if we have dustbunnies bigger than the cat, mushrooms growing in the shower or if the laundry is moldering in a pile on the floor. There's a reason he had 40 pairs of underpants when we met...
post #43 of 140
DH and I both feel that my 9-5 "job" is taking care of DS. Outside of work hours we share responsibilities which include DS and housework.
post #44 of 140
I used to think housework should be split 50/50 -- but the reality is, dh gets home in time to put the kids to bed, and then we both pass out from exhaustion. We don't want to clean on the weekends, since we want that time to be free of obligations.

So it ends up being me cleaning the house...which I don't mind anymore. My version of "clean" is much cleaner than his, so he doesn't even care if stuff doesn't happen to get done for a few days,
post #45 of 140
I am a mother not a maid. If I get around to chores then fine. If not DH will help out when he gets home.
post #46 of 140

SO shouldn't do housework b/c he's the provider??

One of my DH's friends stopped in one evening, my husband wasn't here. He looked around the house and said very rudely, "so you are here ALL DAY while he is working". I took it that he thought my house should be spotless since I am a SAHM. Our twins were three and I was pregnant with our third child. I just glared at him and said "YES" in a very 'polite way' . They way I feel, is if they don't like the way it looks, don't come back. Needless to say that when he called or came over, the door and the phone wasn't answered. There are people in our area that feel that way. You don't work, so your house should be clean. Why should your husband who works 40 hours a week help out. I don't expect him to help a lot, but he needs to share in the responibility. It isn't like I am sitting around talking to my friends online all day, sleeping, or watching TV. If that was the case, then I may see their point.
post #47 of 140
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kleine Hexe View Post
I am a mother not a maid.


I will start saying this angrily if I feel dh isn't picking up after himself (he usually does), or if the kids aren't doing their share (my oldest is old enough to pick up her room).
post #48 of 140
Quote:
Originally Posted by mom2snugbugs View Post
While this is true, DH's idea of a clean house and my idea are


VERY DIFFERENT

Okay, I have the same quote, different take. My DH really likes ORDER. A lot. I can take or leave a clean house. He is willing to put in the work to make the order in our house. With a 7 month old who still naps on me 90% of the time, I do laundry, straighten, or cook WHEN I CAN. DH typically does the heavy duty cleaning while I continue "baby patrol". This is what works for us. My DH works around 50 hours/week at his job - plus 5 hours commute time. That means that I also have a 55 hr/week job with hardly a bathroom break. When I was working 55 hrs/week outside the home, we had a similar arrangement except there was a lot less laundry and we ate out more. Why would I now be expected to do everything now that I'm a mom?

In short, to quote a pp.. the lady's nuts.
post #49 of 140
I think people who think a sahm means spotless house just have no idea how much work kids can be. I echo the sentiment that I stay home to be a sahm, not a maid. While I certainly strive to do what I can (hey I'd be happy if I could keep it spotless) and do the bulk of cleaning, I can't do it all, and don't think I should kill myself trying and get all resentful.

Most days I manage to keep up with dishes and picking up after the kids (yes they can help, but they're not exactly efficient) and throw some laundry in, but it's kinda hard to squeeze in scrubbing and mopping while heading off to preK and the park. So I'm preventing that tornado look, but not really working on the spotless part. I don't expect my dh to come home from work and mop, but he can cook, help with dishes, and parent. We both work all day. I also expect him to pick up after himself. Sometimes I wind up doing it, but it annoys me.
post #50 of 140
my mil thinks this. she's made no secret about the fact that she "expects" that since i'm a sahm (not to mention that i babysit a gaggle of children also) my home should be calm and clean with supper on the table no matter what time my dh comes home from work. and how dare i have a dirty dishrag on my shoulder (or EEK heaven forbid a burp cloth!!) when i kiss dh hello/goodbye, that's just simple disrespect. and when he goes in to his recliner after supper, i am to keep the children quietly away from him so that he can "decompress" after a long day's work. yeah, she read that 1950's perfect wife magazine article way too many times. :

in all reality though, i do about 99% of all the housework/childcare. he may put them to bed once or twice a week and on the weekends sometimes (like maybe once a month if i'm lucky) he'll make breakfast for everyone but really that's about it. the rest of the housework (even outside stuff) is either done by myself or the children.
post #51 of 140
My SO thinks the same thing...that *I* should do everything because *I* sahm. He even calls me (usually when I am at the grocery store) to tell me he is hungry....he cannot even make his own d@mn sandwich....if he feels like I am taking too long to make dinner, he eats cereal. He leaves clothes, empty (or worse, half empty) dishes, shoes, papers, whatev EVERYWHERE...I can sometimes (twice a month???) get him to take out the garbage. He will feed the dog (his dog if it came down to it) and if I force the issue, he will put his own clothes away. Last Thurs he even did the edging part of the vaccuming. But heaven forbid I ask him to watch the kids, make a meal, sweep, mop, dishes....etc.....
He also told me that his mom had two kids to take care of, and always had a spotless home, dinner ready on time, laundry always done....yeah, well, she was with an abusive man (SO's biodad) so she spent more time on the house than time with the children. She told me this herself.
I despise the unrealistic expectations of me as a sahm. SO will be in for a real shock when I do go back to work....
sorry for the rant...this topic makes my blood boil :
post #52 of 140
Our DC#1 hasn't even arrived yet, but I've been home for over a year. DH commutes to work, and is gone at least 10 hours a day. When he gets home, I will usually have dinner ready for him (he usually gets home after 7). BUT, it is his job to clean the litterboxes, take out the trash/compost/recycling, empty the dishwasher, do the yard work (except my garden, which he doesn't touch), cut down cardboard, clear the table after dinner... you get the general idea. If he hasn't done his chores, he doesn't get to complain about me not doing mine (i.e. if the dishwasher isn't emptied, he can't complain about the kitchen being a mess). On the weekends, we spend 1 day resting and 1 day doing chores together (housework, yardwork, home improvement, whatever).

Now, I would never ask for his help in decluttering, but that's cause he can't get rid of anything. But, he's perfectly capable of sweeping the floors, scrubbing the toilet, he's even done the bathtub a time or two. We bargain with eachother (if you'll do this chore, I'll do that one), so neither of us get stuck every time doing the chores we hate.

It works well for us, we'll see how it changes once DC arrives.
post #53 of 140
When you get a MIL who has the 1950's expectations of a clean, orderly house, ask them where their kids were when they were doing all of this housework. Locked up in a playpen to scream for hours? You betcha. It was acceptable back then. :Puke
post #54 of 140
Yeah, my mom always had a big dinner whipped up, but then, she never spent time with me after school when I was younger. I watched a lot of tv in winter months. Fortunately now I think most people don't expect mom to keep the house a perfect haven with delectable meals while watching kids.
post #55 of 140
I am glad to see I am not alone. I have a dh who expects everything to be done by me including OUR dd's caretaking. I have to ask to be able to go anywhere by myself then get into an argument because the weekend is his time off. (my family lives out of state) and these "conferences" I want to go to should be during the week. Like I have control over when Health Fairs get scheduled..

So my job is to raise our dtr and to keep a semi clean house, cook dinner, do laundry, and make his sandwich for work. (If I forget I get woke up at 5:30- 6am with "Did you make my sandwich". I then proceed to get up if I forgot and make it sometimes I think I am crazy. :

He changed one diaper in 2 yrs. She has gone on the potty for almost a yr now.

Sry for the rant but THANKS.
post #56 of 140
post #57 of 140
Quote:
Originally Posted by Meksmama View Post
I am glad to see I am not alone. I have a dh who expects everything to be done by me including OUR dd's caretaking. I have to ask to be able to go anywhere by myself then get into an argument because the weekend is his time off. (my family lives out of state) and these "conferences" I want to go to should be during the week. Like I have control over when Health Fairs get scheduled..

So my job is to raise our dtr and to keep a semi clean house, cook dinner, do laundry, and make his sandwich for work. (If I forget I get woke up at 5:30- 6am with "Did you make my sandwich". I then proceed to get up if I forgot and make it sometimes I think I am crazy. :

He changed one diaper in 2 yrs. She has gone on the potty for almost a yr now.

Sry for the rant but THANKS.

When exactly is YOUR time off?

I have to wonder why your husband wants a wife and child. Seems to me he wants a built-in servant.

I would be damned if I had to ASK a man to go somewhere. Your child is HIS child too. And after being treated as badly as you have been, I would be damned if I would make his sandwich, too. Is his arm broken?

He is being totally unfair and unreasonable. I am not telling you to leave him, because that is not my place and I am not your decision-maker. But, IMO, I would rather be single than be treated like a servant.
post #58 of 140
I am only a sahm during the summer months and school vacations. (I teach at a public elementary school.) During my months at home, I happily do all of the cooking and housework because it seems easy to do. That is relative, of course, to trying to accomplish the same amount of cleaning and cooking after being away from home from 7:30-4:30 each day. I realize I am coming from a different perspective than most who are true sahms. During the school year, I ask my husband to help when he can, but the simple fact is that I'm home from 4:30 onward, and he often does not return from work until 10:00 pm or later. Being he's physically not present in the house except for the hours that he sleeps, he couldn't possibly get any housework done during the week. I am not thrilled about the arrangement but see little choice in the matter.
post #59 of 140
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mama Poot View Post
When you get a MIL who has the 1950's expectations of a clean, orderly house, ask them where their kids were when they were doing all of this housework. Locked up in a playpen to scream for hours? You betcha. It was acceptable back then. :Puke
Oh no, if you ask my mil about my dh and his sister's childhoods she'll tell you that they played nicely with their toys one at a time, never made messes, helped her clean up, made homebaked goods all the time, they were and are perfect perfect children, etc etc etc. SHYEAH right...I married the real child she raised and he is SO detached.
post #60 of 140
Quote:
Originally Posted by TinkerBelle View Post
When exactly is YOUR time off?

I have to wonder why your husband wants a wife and child. Seems to me he wants a built-in servant.

I would be damned if I had to ASK a man to go somewhere. Your child is HIS child too. And after being treated as badly as you have been, I would be damned if I would make his sandwich, too. Is his arm broken?

He is being totally unfair and unreasonable. I am not telling you to leave him, because that is not my place and I am not your decision-maker. But, IMO, I would rather be single than be treated like a servant.

I love him and he is there for us. He provides for us and keeps us getting the things we want. He is a very hard worker. I think its the way he was raised.

Unfortunately his dad had nothing to do with him until he was five or six. His mtr raised his brother and him while their ftr worked.

Thanks for your opinion though. Sometimes I do feel like a single mom that doesn't have to work. I married him for a life partner. I thought things would be a little more equal but this is my job and he has his I guess.

I don't mind cleaning and cooking or even caring for our dd (actually love being the main caregiver) but I would like time off once in awhile!!

We will see what happens this weekend is the health fair type thing I want to go to. And I am so sour because last night night is when we had the argument....
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