I'm here, but I'm not really...

[Electra375]

I've posted quit a bit since having my #4 here on MDC in other forums about having 1)healing issues w my "down there" area and 2) breastfeeding issues.

I'm wondering if my attitudes toward healing and bfing are a result of some PPD.

I'm so not happy w the stitching job that was done by my mw. If she was not able to do it right, I think she should have given me the option to go to the ER. I may not have gone, but at least I would be angry at myself and not someone else. As a result, I now need corrective surgery which insurance likely won't pay for b/c bodily function is not inhibited according to a GYN I saw. I'm not in pain from it, occassionally a twinge if I move wrong. And such surgery out of pocket really should not be done until we are finished having children. And that decision is not one we wish to make, thus when will I ever get fixed? If I keep having UTIs, the decision will be made and I don't like the aspects of that (meaning I don't want my dh to have a vas, I don't think it is healthy and I don't want to have my tubes tied and I won't take BCP or have an IUD, etc).

I wrote a friend of mine yesterday about a LLL meeting I went to last week.

I just don’t know if my heart is in it anymore. Of course, it could be the exhaustion and frustration w painful nipples talking. I didn’t get the birth “high” like I did after I had dd. I just have not been as able to cope mentally w the birth healing process and the painful breastfeeding. Honestly, I’d truly give up nursing right now, if I didn’t know how important it was to his health and well-being. I think I have something like vasospasm and definitely have blanching occurring. I dread just about every feeding. Maybe I’m burned out having been pregnant or nursing or both since 2001… I should enjoy nursing him, sometimes I do, other times I just feel it is my duty. Not exactly how I would like to be feeling.

I think I have 2 post over in Breastfeeding about my struggle. I'm pumping 1X per day and feeding that to him in a bottle and I'm giving him 1 bottle of formula per day. All this to just give my boobs a break from the pain, but in reality, the pain is still there almost all the time, it sucks. I really, really, just want to be done. I'm eating GF and DF just to nurse him that isn't helping me either.

I was suffering depression big time throughout this pregnancy. I only got out of it after Thanksgiving. Now I feel it is back. I used Julia Ross's book the Diet Cure to self prescribe amino acid therapy to get myself back, it took about 45 days. I can't even think to comprehend how to do that again, it was regimented by the hours in the day w/ several bottles of supplements.

I keep thinking maybe I'm so down and out about my healing and bfing from "baby blues" and maybe it will pass soon. But we're 8wk PP today and I'm now considering this is depression.

I'm just not up to every day things I need to be doing. I'm barely functioning again (as when I was pregnant). My kids need me back, they need food fixed for them, they need GF bread made, laundry done for them, the house cleaned a bit for them, I feel like doing nothing. I'm hiding out in my office again doing nothing most of the day...:

[ComfyCozy]

OMG Electra375... You are my soulmate LOL

Seriously, if you're just not functioning like that then it does sound like PPD, even if mild.

I keep thinking maybe I'm so down and out about my healing and bfing from "baby blues" and maybe it will pass soon. But we're 8wk PP today and I'm now considering this is depression.

I'm just not up to every day things I need to be doing. I'm barely functioning again (as when I was pregnant). My kids need me back, they need food fixed for them, they need GF bread made, laundry done for them, the house cleaned a bit for them, I feel like doing nothing. I'm hiding out in my office again doing nothing most of the day...

That is the crux of the issue to me. Your anger about the botched stitch up job is justified, but I wouldn't attribute the feelings in your last paragraph there simply to the stitch job. It certainly doesn't help matters, but I do think there's more to your problem than just that. Heck, Electra, I have felt that way since about 3 months after I had Isabel. I was on meds for a little while but we thought it had passed. I began to notice, after Isabel hit 14 months, that the less she nursed, the better I felt. I tried to wean her but it didn't take, and as soon as she was nursing a lot again, the black cloud was back. I have since weaned her, but the cloud isn't moving much. Now I'm pregnant again. I was going to call and ask you about the MW you used. but now I'm somewhat concerned about the botched stitch job--I've needed stitches with every delivery.

I too have spent too much time away "in hiding" and feel that I'm not what I used to be. The motivation just evaporated.

You might consider seeking whatever treatment for depression you're comfortable with. The worst that could happen is that it wouldn't work and then you would know that you're possibly not dealing with depression. (((HUGS))) to you. You are certainly not alone. I myself now have to decide how to help myself during pregnancy. *sigh*

You have my email address--you can always email me or call me if you need to talk. Maybe we can find a way to help each other out, being so close together.

Celeste

[Electra375]

It's on-line a small world. As for the stitching, she did just as I've read mws are trained. I read several articles in Midwifery Today. She stitched the internal layers but not the top and in reality, it's hard to assimulate torn skin (hence the episotomy w docs, easier to stitch). The hope is those top layers of skin come together on their own. I might have hindered that from happening using Calendula Oil to ease the pain from the "skid mark", separate from the perineal area tear. The oil might have prevented the skin from adhereing to itself (just an after thought I had a few weeks ago). I just wish she had told me more and stated what she could do and could not do. At least then it would have been my choice, I probably would not have gone into the ER knowing myself and my feelings toward WMC -- but I never thought I'd ever agree to stitches in the first place, it was just horrible looking and I knew instantly when I saw what had happened that I didn't have a choice if I wanted to recover well.
She is the only one serving this area who will attend a breech birth with another more experienced mw who would be on call, if breech presentation is suspected. This was important to me b/c I would not go to the hospital just for a breech, w my c/s history I would not have a chance to fight it.

Check out Julia Ross. I did self treat w Amino Acids during pregnancy. I read and cross referenced everything and determined it was a good choice for me. She has 2 books out The Diet Cure and The Mood Cure.

I've been meaning to take those supplements again. I hope I still have my notes on what I was taking, why and how often. I really need to. Maybe I can map it out through tomorrow AM and get started, it was a lot of pills, like 6 of this 4 of that plus vitamins. Then another set of different Amino Acids 2 hours later, etc.

Maybe you should call me and come over sometime. My # is in the directory in the files or database section of the group or e-mail me. I've got a play room the kids can all destroy together, clean up day for the play room is Thursday.

Shhh... Don't tell anyone in the group I've given my baby formula!:: It's like the evil of all things evil!

[ComfyCozy]

I won't say a thing I had a reduction 15 years ago and due to the types of incisions and whatnot, I make the milk, but most of it doesn't come out. I tried breastfeeding without supplementing for three of my babies and did everything the LC said to do...and it just never was enough. A week after I had my fourth, my poor little baby was looking mighty yellow, and acting very very hungry. I kept thinking "these boobs have to kick in, they have to compensate, it HAS TO WORK!!" and when a nurse friend commented to me on his sixth day that he looked awfully jaundiced I scooted him into the ped.. who has been very flexible with me. He said to give the baby a bottle with every feeding. *sigh* I knew he was right. I never even knew when my milk came in because he was nursing ALL THE TIME... Like, 45 minutes on, 15 minutes off, 45 minutes on... :

Anyways, I very much wish I didn't have to go the formula route, and I wouldn't ever judge another Mama who had to use it for whatever her reasons are, especially one like you who has tried so hard and is at your wits end. You have an entire family who needs you, and sometimes you just make the best choices you can at the time to keep yourself "together" and sane.

You know...with this baby boom...Maybe I should start bribing all the ladies in the group to pump pump pump for me...and I'll give you all lots of chocolate in return I'd SO much love to give this baby breastmilk instead of formula. I could get a walk in freezer and the five of you can fill it up and be in awe of yourselves. I'm already in awe

BTW, I do nurse for comfort, and I nurse them day and night, enough that it keeps my cycles away for over a year So they *definitely* get the bonding, just not the nutrition

You know, that being said--maybe one of the mamas in the group would pump for you for a week or two so your breasts can have time to heal?

I'll look into Julia Ross...good excuse to go to the library! We definitely need to get together