"I don't like you"

[spirit4ever]

WHat do I say to my ds (5 next month) when he says that to his father and I? Often if we do something that he does not like he responds with 'I don't like you', then if we do something he likes or wants he responds with 'I like you'.. my dh is like a child himself, and when ds says that dh replies with ' I don't like you either' : oh and now I'm also getting "FINE"... when asked to do things....

what would you say?

[Jessy1019]

I can remember my mom saying that at certain ages, she loved me but she didn't like me. I feel the same about my dd, too . . . I always love her but there are times when I don't like her. I feel that way about my mom, too, come to think of it!

I would maybe rephrase to him, "I know you don't like the decision I made" or something similar, but otherwise try to let it go.

[spirit4ever]

Oh I remember telling my mother a lot worse things

[warriorprincess]

I always say "You don't have to like me". Kids usually say that for the reaction, to "get " us and maybe shock us into doing whatever will make them say, "Oh, I like you". Best not to make a big deal of it.

[spirit4ever]

Thank you! These really help!

[jkpmomtoboys]

When ds (6 1/2) tells me he doesn't like me (when I've done something that makes him mad) I tell him I don't care.

Later we talk about how maybe you don't like what someone did or you're angry but we always love each other. But at the time I tell him I don't care.

[CarrieMF]

My now 8yo used to do that. I would respond with "but I'll always love you" and then ask her if she really doesn't love/like us or if she's just mad. Of course she was always just mad that she didn't get her way. She stopped doing it and hasn't done it in over a year.

[MommytoTwo]

Hmmm... DS said that to me once and I said "Sometimes I dont like you either" and he never said it again. So maybe it upset him. I dont know. LOL I am sure he will say it again someday.

[mothragirl]

i would reply "well too bad because i love you"

[Lovenest]

I always say " well I love you!".

[Kindermama]

I say "well I love you. I know you feel frustrated that you don't have a choice right now but you get to make choices too sometimes."

[moondiapers]

I always say, "Well then I must be doing my job right."

[chefpaige1]

I so understand the "no big deal" approach, but I don't want my children to say hurtful things to others, and I think I'd like to be included in that. So, I say, "That's a HORRIBLE thing to say to your Mama (or sister, or brother) who loves you so much!" If that doesn't instill some shame, I'll add a short talk about hurting feelings.

[pjabslenz]

I wish I saw this yesterday...

My ds said this exact thing to me. I've been beating myself up all night/morning because of my reaction and have realized how I should have handled things. My biggest regret is letting him know he made me mad. : I was foot stomping mad and told him I needed to be away from him for a while. I told him to stay on the love seat until I was ready to talk to him again. I took a 15 minute "time out" and then I asked him if he can imagine how he would feel if I told him I didn't like him. He said he wouldn't like it. Once again we were having the "treat others as you want to be treated" conversation. I so wish I would have justified his feelings without getting mad first. It would have been so easy for me to say something like I know you feel mad right now because of ....but I still love you. It makes me sad, hurts my feelings, when you say hurtful things like that.

Wow, I'm constantly learning from my ds...I only pray he's learning 1/2 as much from me.

[EFmom]

I affirm that my dd has the right not to like me if that's how she feels at the time. Then I tell her that I will always love her no matter what.

[MotheringHeart]

I look at them and say in a matter of fact way "okay" and shrug my shoulders. It is totally their right not to "like us" and sometimes, to tell the truth, I don't like them! I always love them though and that is what is important.

[katallen]

I would get dh a copy of Screamfree Parenting. It is not the greatest of parenting books, but it does talk about the need to stay calm and be an adult even in the face of things like that. It also talks about the different types of screaming including shutting down and ignoring the situation, giving in, and actual screaming.

[mothragirl]

Originally Posted by chefpaige1

I so understand the "no big deal" approach, but I don't want my children to say hurtful things to others, and I think I'd like to be included in that. So, I say, "That's a HORRIBLE thing to say to your Mama (or sister, or brother) who loves you so much!" If that doesn't instill some shame, I'll add a short talk about hurting feelings.

instilling shame isn't a very GD thing to do. he is just telling you his feelings. i LOVE my SO but sometimes i don't like him, it is an honest feeling.

[IncaMama]

DS has said that a couple times (usually followed by "you need to be alone for 3 minutes." which is his version of our only "punishment"-type thing where i suggest that he sit for a few minutes with his thoughts, either on my lap or on a chair in the room or up in his bedroom)...anyway, i've said things like

"Ouch. That doesn't make me feel good. You sound very angry."
"Those are pretty strong words, I guess you have pretty strong feelings."
"You don't like me? Or you don't like what I just said to you?"

If he says he doesn't like his sister, i'll say something like:
"Wow. Why don't you like her?"
"Hm...I don't think that sounds very respectful. I bet that would hurt her feelings if she heard you/understood you/etc"

and then sometimes if i'm already pissed off and just in a crap mood anyway, i'll say "Hey. That's not very nice." and leave it at that.

[starlein26]

Originally Posted by spirit4ever

what would you say?

My son does this too and I smile, lather and repeat "that's fine, it's ok that you don't like me sometimes...but I ALWAYS love you, always!" Ds, who'll be 4 in July, loves talking about love and exploring the bounds of love, his to me and mine to him.