WWYD if you found your childs anon donor online?

[Satori]

I have a quandary, last night someone found my dd's anon donor online and due to his flat out lying when he donated she will have to suffer facial disfigurement her entire life and face multiple surgeries. There was some question as to whether or not the problem came from the donor and after looking at his pic (the offspring look just like him btw) I can see how he slipped though the screening process but he also had a picture of his sister on the page and she has the full blown expression of the syndrome my dd has. Part of me wants to do some serious *UA Violations* to him. I can tell by his webpage he's still got a lot of growing up to do so I don't think contacting him at this point would be in our best interest. Has anyone located there donor (it took less then an hour for my friend to find him using the info from his long profile btw) and not contacted him? He is open to contact at age 18 so there is hope for contact later which I would like but right now confronting him won't do anyone any good although if I thought it would do any good I'd send the sperm bank to his web page and prove to them there donor is a lying sack of and he knew about the syndrome in his family.

[osker]

Wow, I don't really know what to say. This must be so overwhelming for you. Did your friend look for the donor just out of curiosity? Were you looking for some information by trying to find him? I don't ask to be mean, I only ask beacause I think that if you found what you were looking for, maybe you can rest a little easier now knowing that you've found it. For example, knowing for sure that this came from his genes and not yours. I don't really know what I'd do. I mean, on the one hand you've done something to prevent this from happening again, but on the other hand, is there more that you could do to help someone? This is a really hard place that you're in.

More personally, if it was my child and her donor, I wonder if I'd be a little bit excited to have found the website, knowing that I could surreptitiously keep tabs on the donor through the years to know whether or not I would want my child to contact them in 18 years. (Does that sound awful, or what!)
I think that your situation is a bit unique in that it seems like you have a lot of anger toward the donor that most people wouldn't have.

Keep in mind that your dd is beautiful and a wonderful blessing to you regardless of how she came into this world or how you may feel about her donor.

[UberMama]

Before doing anything, I'd think about what I'd do if I actually contacted him. What is it you want from him? I am not in your situation of course but I can't think of any good reason to contact him right now.. I think it'd only cause grief in your life.

[lexbeach]

Wow. That sounds really intense. It also sounds like you feel pretty sure that right now is not the best time to contact him. I don't think there's any reason to contact him if you don't want to. I'm so sorry that he was able to lie and become a donor when perhaps he shouldn't have.

I tried to search for our donor, but I didn't find him. What criteria did your friend use to find yours?



Lex

[Satori]

Originally Posted by ttcanother

Before doing anything, I'd think about what I'd do if I actually contacted him. What is it you want from him? I am not in your situation of course but I can't think of any good reason to contact him right now.. I think it'd only cause grief in your life.

I have no plans to contact him and don't want to.

[Satori]

Originally Posted by osker

Wow, I don't really know what to say. This must be so overwhelming for you. Did your friend look for the donor just out of curiosity? Were you looking for some information by trying to find him? I don't ask to be mean, I only ask beacause I think that if you found what you were looking for, maybe you can rest a little easier now knowing that you've found it. For example, knowing for sure that this came from his genes and not yours.

More personally, if it was my child and her donor, I wonder if I'd be a little bit excited to have found the website, knowing that I could surreptitiously keep tabs on the donor through the years to know whether or not I would want my child to contact them in 18 years. (Does that sound awful, or what!)
I think that your situation is a bit unique in that it seems like you have a lot of anger toward the donor that most people wouldn't have.

Keep in mind that your dd is beautiful and a wonderful blessing to you regardless of how she came into this world or how you may feel about her donor.

She was just being nosy and the only thing I have been curious about him is to see a picture because I wanted to know if he displayed any symptoms. I made a smart @ss remark that if I ever met him I'd strip him naked and examine him myself then demand to see his family too to prove they didn't have the syndrome. I was just kidding but she took the info she had and found him. Many have found there donors the same way she did. At this point I wouldn't want to meet him to be honest and I have no intention of contacting him. It was pretty cool to see his face though and my curiosity is satisfied.

[Satori]

Originally Posted by lexbeach

Wow. That sounds really intense. It also sounds like you feel pretty sure that right now is not the best time to contact him. I don't think there's any reason to contact him if you don't want to. I'm so sorry that he was able to lie and become a donor when perhaps he shouldn't have.

I tried to search for our donor, but I didn't find him. What criteria did your friend use to find yours?



Lex

I have no idea how she found him but I know she checked multiple databases. I do know she was able to narrow it down quickly since he was a college student and there were only 2 possible places he could have donated for the bank and only one had a program in his major which helped her find which city. I could ask her to PM you if you want her to take a crack at it. She's pretty good at finding info no one else can and she's an MDC mama

[lexbeach]

Originally Posted by Satori

I could ask her to PM you if you want her to take a crack at it. She's pretty good at finding info no one else can and she's an MDC mama

I would love that. I am also really curious about what our donor looks like, and I'd also just love to know more about him in general. So, if she's up to another search, I'd love for her to PM me.

Lex

[UberMama]

I apologize. You sounded as if you maybe wanted to contact him in the future at some point. Maybe to have words with him possibly. I know I'd want to do that anyway, if I were you. But I also know that it'd hurt me more than him probably.

[lunadoula]

Wow, I agree with lexbeach that is very intense. I don't know what I would do, but seriously I might consider contacting the bank, esp. if you think they may still have some of his sperm there. Hugs to you mama.

[Authentic_Mother]

Now I kinda ventured in here because of the last updated topic, so hope you dont mind my responding!
I think that you should DEFINATLY alert the sperm bank to his page. If this can be prevented from happening further that would be a good thing.
I know nothing about sperm donors or artificial insemination so I hope I dont sound silly when I ask "Doesnt the bank do some kind of testing on these samples before releasing them to the public?" I mean, it seems rather risky if they don't! Anyone could just walk in there and make up a whole profile and not be anything like they said. If I were you, I would not only be angry with the donor but also with the clinic and I would probably be hounding the clinic with questions, and possibly even contacting a lawyer.
(((HUGS))) Im sorry this is all happening, but maybe you can help prevent others being born with the condition!

[Satori]

Originally Posted by lunadoula

Wow, I agree with lexbeach that is very intense. I don't know what I would do, but seriously I might consider contacting the bank, esp. if you think they may still have some of his sperm there. Hugs to you mama.

His samples have been pulled from sales and he's limited to sibs only now and there aware of the dx and have to sign a waiver to buy anymore samples which is not enough imo.

[Satori]

Originally Posted by 3babies4me

Now I kinda ventured in here because of the last updated topic, so hope you dont mind my responding!
I think that you should DEFINATLY alert the sperm bank to his page. If this can be prevented from happening further that would be a good thing.
I know nothing about sperm donors or artificial insemination so I hope I dont sound silly when I ask "Doesnt the bank do some kind of testing on these samples before releasing them to the public?" I mean, it seems rather risky if they don't! Anyone could just walk in there and make up a whole profile and not be anything like they said. If I were you, I would not only be angry with the donor but also with the clinic and I would probably be hounding the clinic with questions, and possibly even contacting a lawyer.
(((HUGS))) Im sorry this is all happening, but maybe you can help prevent others being born with the condition!

You'd think they would but in truth they do very little genetic testing and only check for basically 3 things, cystic fibrosis, tay sachs (sp?) and thallisemmia (sp)? and thats based on their ethnic origins. I too assumed they did all kinds of testing to make sure they were "genetically clean" but they don't. Donor truthfulness is a big problem in the industry and there finding that donors are about as truthful on there application as people are on job resumes. (I believe last stats said 50% of all resumes contained lies) The donors stand to make a lot of money from donating so its in there best interest to get accepted into the program. I could sue until the end of time and not win and the banks know it. There have been several cases like mine and the banks even covered up the fact they knew about serious life threatening defects and the parents still lost the case. The industry needs serious overhaul and there's actually very little regulation compared to what there needs to be imo.

[Authentic_Mother]

Originally Posted by Satori

You'd think they would but in truth they do very little genetic testing and only check for basically 3 things, cystic fibrosis, tay sachs (sp?) and thallisemmia (sp)? and thats based on their ethnic origins. I too assumed they did all kinds of testing to make sure they were "genetically clean" but they don't. Donor truthfulness is a big problem in the industry and there finding that donors are about as truthful on there application as people are on job resumes. (I believe last stats said 50% of all resumes contained lies) The donors stand to make a lot of money from donating so its in there best interest to get accepted into the program. I could sue until the end of time and not win and the banks know it. There have been several cases like mine and the banks even covered up the fact they knew about serious life threatening defects and the parents still lost the case. The industry needs serious overhaul and there's actually very little regulation compared to what there needs to be imo.

That is AWFUL! How much are they making on each, erm, "deposit"? Do they at least check for AIDS, and Hepatitis?
Did they say anywhere on their contracts that they dont check for certain conditions?
Ugh! Im so sorry!

[gamitzer]

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this situation, Satori! The whole AI industry is a mixed blessing, to me. Because of the lack of specific laws regarding AI, it's easier for people, especially lesbians, to use AI. But that same lack of laws leaves the banks with the upper hand, letting them police themselves (which they really don't seem to do). I know that in addition to your situation, there is a group of parents who used the same donor through AI (not sure which bank), and many of the children have the same symptoms of austism. The parents are trying to prove that this austism link is genetic, but I don't think the bank is responding, or the bank is denying that it could be genetic. It's really wrong and I'm sorry you are in a similar situation.
I don't know what to say about finding the donor online because I haven't tried to seek out our donor. I know that in the contract we signed, we said we wouldn't try to seek out the donor ourselves (and that we would prevent our kids from doing so also!), but if there were health issues involved, I would want to know more info ASAP. I think the best thing you can do (and I'm sure glad you did it) is let people know about your experience. It might enable you to feel somewhat vindicated without actually getting in contact with the donor himself. Also, I know you are super busy, but perhaps you could see a counselor about your feelings. I have a somewhat vengeful nature, and I can see something like this making me crazy with fury. I would need to vent that somewhere, so maybe that would help you also.
This is all just my two cents, but I wanted to comment because I feel really shocked and mad on your behalf.

[lexbeach]

Originally Posted by 3babies4me

That is AWFUL! How much are they making on each, erm, "deposit"? Do they at least check for AIDS, and Hepatitis?
Did they say anywhere on their contracts that they dont check for certain conditions?
Ugh! Im so sorry!

They do check for all STDs, and they say which genetic conditions they test for. But the screening process does seem to rely heavily on what the donor says, with only a few conditions actually being tested for (genetic testing is very expensive). Most donors who apply are screened out (I think the bank we used only accepts 1-2% of applicants), but it's mainly due to issues in the quality/quantity of their semen, not genetic issues.

I think donors are payed like $50 everytime they donate? I'm not sure.

Lex

[nurseyboysmom]

Originally Posted by Satori

I have no idea how she found him but I know she checked multiple databases. I do know she was able to narrow it down quickly since he was a college student and there were only 2 possible places he could have donated for the bank and only one had a program in his major which helped her find which city. I could ask her to PM you if you want her to take a crack at it. She's pretty good at finding info no one else can and she's an MDC mama

Hi I know this is an old thread but i was hoping you might still see this. i would love to be able to find our donor just so I can see a picture of him, do you think you're friend can help me?

[nurseyboysmom]

sorry

[Satori]

Originally Posted by nurseyboysmom

Hi I was just bumping this up hoping you might see it Satori!
I still would love to be able to find a picture and name of our donor just for my own curiousness. Thanks Mary
You might know me frrom the N.W. chatroom.

Sorry, she's out of commission right now with health issues and will be having a baby soon. I did end up showing the bank what I found and they were pretty ticked and added the bit about $10k penalty fee's to the contracts if you show anyone the long profile including the child's Dr so I'd be really careful about publicly speaking about wanting to find the donor. I've gotten serious grief about sharing the baby's dx's and have not shared the fact I found the donor with the other families and I will not be sharing it so please don't mention this post on the other board. I had kinda hoped this thread would just disappear all together and save me some more grief so if anyone else wants to ask something please just pm me and let this thread die.

Thank you.