Does your DC hit?

[famousmockngbrd]

What do you do when this happens?

PS - I'm talking about chronic hitting.

[Steady101]

No he doesn't.

[famousmockngbrd]

Well my DS does. I am out of ideas. Nothing I do seems to help.

[BamBam'sMom]

My DS (2 y/o) hits. He went through a hitting phase after he turned 1. I would just tell him, "No hitting. Hitting hurts." I would also tell him to be gentle, and show him how. It took a few months, but he stopped for the most part.

He started again a month or so ago. I'm doing the same thing as before, but I also show him how hitting affected the other person. Sometimes I'll say something like, "Look, you hit him and now he's crying. Hitting hurts." If I know why he hit, I'll usually show him another way to deal with the problem that caused the hitting: "You wanted him to move. Hitting hurts. Instead, say 'move please.'"

If that doesn't help, I remove him from the situation.

[famousmockngbrd]

DS is 4. I have tried that approach and he gets it, but he still hits. It is hard to remove him from the situation because he is bigger now and it requires a certain amount of force. I can still do it but it is harder and he fights it. Also lately his aggression has been directed towards me.

[frenchie]

Nope. He tried to start hitting when he was about a year old, and we just didn't allow it. I would stop his arm mid swing, and firmly tell him that hitting was not allowed. He will try to swing at DH or I once in a great while (he's 4 now), out of complete frustration. I remind him that hitting is not allowed, and that it's unkind and hurtful.
He has been hit by other kids, and doesn't like it at all. He doesn't hit back, he just runs to me or DH with hurt feelings. DH tells him to hit back I remind him that the hitting rule applies to everybody. Thank goodness he listens to me!!!
At any rate, I don't know that I have advice. Like I said, I just simply did not tolerate it, and I was very firm about it. He knew why hitting was not allowed...but the connection didn't really happen until he became more verbal.

[dukeswalker]

Nope -

[famousmockngbrd]

Originally Posted by frenchie

He tried to start hitting when he was about a year old, and we just didn't allow it. I would stop his arm mid swing, and firmly tell him that hitting was not allowed.

OK. We never allowed it. Believe me, we have done this exact thing. Over and over.

I am at a point where I am considering taking away possessions/privileges, as punishment for hitting. I do not agree with this philosophy but I am at my wits end. He just does not seem to get it, otherwise.

[kandkrose]

my dd hits - chronically. its a very difficult situation. for her, its hard to find a way to communicate that there's a better way, and getting her to stop and think. she's VERY impulsive.

honestly the only thing that has helped has been to get her a stuffed creature (that doesnt resemble any "real" animal or person) that we call bite-y (because she used to bite too). When she hits or bites someone, we stop her, and try to calm her and remind her that its okay to be angry (or frustrated/impatient/etc) but that she cant hit. What she CAN do is stomp, yell, or if she HAS to hit (because she is so impulsive) she can hit the stuffed creature instead. It has saved a lot of hurt for everyone and she has a safe outlet. Obviously its not a fix-all, but for us its helped some.

[Fuamami]

Is the sky blue?!? Is the Pope Catholic?!?

Oh, wait, I see that some people said their children don't hit.

Well, mine do. We do different things for different situations. Sometimes they hit each other because they're teasing each other. This drives me crazy but they think it's hilarious, so I just kind of try to stay out of it if they're not really hurting each other.

If dd tries to hit me (she's 4), I try to either catch her hand or move out of her way and then very seriously lean down and say softly but firmly, "No hitting, you may not hit me." Then I try to quickly verbalize what she seemed to be feeling and how she could have dealt with it more appropriately.

For some reason, I'm really good at this when she's hitting or trying to hit ME. When she's ds1, though, I don't always do so well. I usually try to do the same thing, but it seems like I end up yelling "STOP!" a lot more. Usually because I'm nursing and can't get there in time, and because she gets much more angry at him. Sometimes I ask her to go to her room and calm down and come out when she can play calmly without hurting anyone. I prefer to avoid this most of the time, because it doesn't teach her the skill that will solve the problem that she was hitting for in the first place, but sometimes she's just hitting because she's too grouchy and tired to hang out with anyone else (she's pretty introverted). She usually goes quite willingly, she has a CD player and art supplies and her blankie and her paci in there, so it's pretty relaxing.

FWIW, I think some hitting is inevitable and normal, and is not going to completely go away at this age. Not to say that all children hit, because I've known some that don't, but I don't think it's that bad if they do. I mean, it's annoying and frustrating and should be taken seriously and treated seriously, but it's not an indicator of future psychosis or anything. It's just an unfortunate part of the dynamic created by your two personalities in a relationship together, or your two dc's personalities. As long as you continue to make it very clear that it's unacceptable, there will be a time when it stops.

At least this is what my sister says! And has seemed to be true with her children, who are 7 and 5.

[famousmockngbrd]

Sigh. I should reword my title.

[Fuamami]

You know, one other thing that helped ds1 when he was in a hitting stage was to focus a lot on sensory activities, like sand, playdough, water, etc.

And wrestling. Dh and I try to wrestle with him a lot. Dd does not like this, but she's far less physical than ds1.

Is your ds physical?

And the other two things that seem to make hitting worse around here are not enough exercise or sleep. Have you looked at that?

[famousmockngbrd]

TY for your responses. I guess I expect these things to stop the behavior. It has not so far. DS sometimes will not stop trying to punch/kick/slap me, or DD - I get what u r saying, natensarah - I get very upset when DS hurts/tries 2 hurt DD.

Should I keep trying to gently restrain him when he persists in trying to hurt us? Sometimes gentle restraint doesn't stop him.

[famousmockngbrd]

DS has plenty of access to playdough, sand, water, etc. We go to the park a lot. It is not a sensory issue, I don't think.

[kandkrose]

i would do what you need to do within gentle reason to get him to stop the violent behavior. remember that by restraining him at least temporarily if you have to, you're doing it to help protect him and others from pain... we have to do that with DD at times.

like natensarah said, sensory activities really help a LOT. with my dd - we have to redirect her into a sensory activity - sometimes carrying her over to the activity to get out of the situation and to really be able to be redirected (she particularly likes playing with shaving cream and water to help calm her).

you could find anything that will work with that sensory input... even jumping up and down (VERY portable, but doesnt require any equipment either) can help with that large-muscle need to move when anger arises. jump WITH him when he starts hitting. grab his hands and jump. hopefully he'll start jumping with you. if you have to - make up an "angry rap" or song or something... so that he can associate it and have it as a cue and a reminder.

you might also try keeping smaller things on hand for trips - like a string of beads (strong string, large wooden beads) that have some wiggle room for him to fidget with, or some different types of brushes or sensory balls (there are a bunch of different options for sensory "stress" type balls at the dollar store - check the toy section)

the thing that we've had to do for DD is to find a way for her to direct that angry energy to another activity. whether that's biting her "bitey", jumping up and down, or de-stressing with her hands in shaving cream and water...

the idea is that she learns that she can get out her anger and frustrations in ways that dont hurt her or other people.... and eventually she wont need my help to remind her of that.

some kids take a lot longer for this to work... and need reminders. But - progress is progress, and remind yourself that you're doing your best, and that it WILL make a positive impact.

HUGS!

[frenchie]

Originally Posted by famousmockngbrd

OK. We never allowed it. Believe me, we have done this exact thing. Over and over.

I am at a point where I am considering taking away possessions/privileges, as punishment for hitting. I do not agree with this philosophy but I am at my wits end. He just does not seem to get it, otherwise.

How long has this been going on? Instead of taking away possessions or priveledges, maybe you can remove him from the situation. I know time outs are taboo here, but I have used them as a "cool off" time. Remove him and put him in a room, or on a chair somewhere. Let him know that nobody likes to be hit, and the hitting is hurtful. Tell him that when he decides he's ready to stop hitting, he can rejoin whatever situation is was that he was hitting in. Be consistant...and if it doesn't work, try something else!

[LynnS6]

My kids have hit, intermittently. They do it when they are overwhelmed, especially ds.

I would:
Keep a log of when he does it -- can you figure out what triggers it? If so, that might help you prevent it.

Ditto the sensory stuff. Jumping is a great idea. Our sensory kid (he's got sensory processing disorder) REALLY took to the idea of stomping his feet when he was angry. If you can teach him breathing exercises, that might help too. You might look at "The Out of Sync Child" to see if sensory stuff might be an issue (chronic hitters/biters often have sensory issues).

If you can, try to prevent hitting, just like you're doing. Look for the warning signs. Separate him from you (or you from him) when he does hit. While a lot of people here don't agree with time outs, this is the one time where we do time outs. Our kids are essentially levitated to their rooms when they hit. This, IMO, is a more logical consequence than removing privleges because it's directly tied to what the child has done: anti-social behavior means you can't be around us.

I'd like to say that they're time-ins (where the child gets to decide when to come out), but in reality, ds views them as time outs and we often have to shut the door to keep him in his room long enough to get him to calm down. We then go in and hug. But ds hasn't got great self regulation skills (it's part of the sensory issues) and so he needs to be physically separated in order to calm down, and if we're there that just overloads him more. So, we put him in his room, he screams for a few minutes (he appears to 'need' to do this before he'll accept being comforted), we go in and help him calm down, and things go on.

[crb]

I've just been thinking about this too! My dd is 4.5 and just getting "hitty" w/me and dh (and baby brother). An if I say "Hitting hurts, I won't let you hurt me" she takes it as a challenge and starts chasing me around w/her arm cocked to hit me. This really sends me over the edge!
She is also very verbal, so it is so frustrating - why isn't she using her words here when she is the rest of the time? We have a "take a break" box of activities to do if she starts to get upset, but she won't do it if she is actually getting upset and I suggest it - she just gets angrier.
So right now we are doing the "gimme five" game where she slaps my hand (up high, down low) when she starts to get upset - like controlled hitting.
Baby calling, will be back later - looking for ideas myself!

[Magella]

Okay, my 7 year old was a chronic hitter. For like, years. We tried e..v..e..r..y..t..h..i..n..g. For the last, oh, 3? months she has *not* been a chronic hitter. In fact, for the first time ever it's *rare* that she hits (and hopefully that will continue-that it's rare, I mean). I can tell you what has helped us.

Recognizing sensory issues: Dd has a lot of sensitivities-clothes feel funny, socks feel funny, super-hearing, that kind of thing. We never connected any of her hitting with her sensory stuff until her psychologist said she suspects that dd's siblings' loud noises and close proximity cause dd to become agitated-activate the old fight or flight response- and she lashes out, gets too upset to think first and find other ways of handling the problem. Recognizing sensory triggers allows us to help dd avoid or cope with them, so that she can behave better. Example: bought her hearing-protection headphones to dampen noise, dd begins to get agitated, we remind dd to put on headphones, dd puts them on and voila-complete mood change, problems averted.

Looking for triggers: It really, really helped to carefully observe under what conditions she was hitting. Who was doing what? What was happening? What time was it? When did she last eat? What had she been eating? How had she been sleeping? What had her mood been like? And so on. Once we saw the triggers, we could be a lot more proactive-helping her deal with things before she reached the point of hitting.

Reading The Explosive Child, attending workshops on parenting the explosive child, and using the Collaborative Problem Solving approach from this book: this has helped us both reduce the amount of hitting (and raging tantrums) and teach our dd the skills she needs to handle frustration without hitting (or raging tantrums). The authors say that in order to use their approach, the child you're working with needs the skills of a typically developing 3 year old. I use it with my 3 year old and she can do it.

Reading Raising A Thinking Child: lots of ideas to help kids learn better communication, perspective-taking and problem-solving skills.

Empathy and connection, first last and always: This is part of the CPS method too. I was always saying: "No hitting! I can see you're angry..." This is instruction/reprimand first, then empathy. I also did a lot of "empathy, but": "I know you're angy, but you can't hit." I have learned that when I do these things, dd does not feel heard and dd does not hear me: the result is that dd does not learn. She's very intense, emotionally. She needs to be heard first, to know and trust that I am working *with* her. So she needs empathy first: "(dd hits/tries to hit) whoa! what's up? (listen, or guess) So, you wanted that toy, and he has it. (wait for agreement or correction, do this until I'm sure I have heard her concern correctly.) I understand. Thing is, I need us to be safe, hitting isn't safe, and brother doesn't want to be hit either. Let's see if we can work this out another way." You get the idea. It's even better if I don't say anything about the hitting right then (and really, she knows I don't want her to hit) and just focus on the problem at hand: "you want that toy. Thing is, he isn't done using it. Let's see if we can work it out together with our words. Do you have any ideas?" The empathy keeps her calm, and once she has been heard she is open to hearing me-and I'm modeling for her other ways of communicating and handling frustration. KWIM?

Also, we are vigilant about her getting enough sleep and good nutrition. Food dyes are bad. Not getting enough good sleep is bad, leads to worse behavior. And we are big on helping her learn to relax, and to recognize when she's getting upset, and to calm down once upset.

We totally focus on proactive measures. This is hugely important. Dd is not learning in the moment she is hitting, this is not the best time to teach about hitting and using words. We have to work on proactive problem-solving, and on jumping in at the first sign of trouble to guide her (not so much anymore, thankfully, she's learning).

On the occasions that dd has kept hitting and hitting, I've taken her to a safe room and closed myself in there with her (she won't stay by herself, just escalates things) and quietly wait until she's calm. On a couple of occasions I have restrained her-not to stop the hitting, but to keep myself, her or her siblings safe.

There's probably more. We've worked on so much. HTH. (eta dd is also in therapy with a psychologist for anxiety, which is another contributor to her behavior.)

[sunshine's mama]

My almost 3 year old hits....

It started when she was smaller and would get over excited and slap happy, literally...never to me though but to daddy and her step sister when she was here visiting (but her step sister wasn't and still isn't nice to her at all....not an excuse though..a whole different post elsewhere..). DH laughed about it and it just escalated from there I spose..

She does it more to get a reaction or attention now...mainly to daddy...I told him she won't stop or learn it's wrong bc he thinks a smack on the hand teaches her a lesson and that hitting is wrong...I asked to see the logic in that...Don't you smack but I can???? And that I didn't want him to do it again....it was wrong, doesn't teach her anything and she's too young to understand reasoning like that....

She's a very active child....very physical....very spirited in everything....and can be hard to handle at times....but she learned that when she did this first, it was funny and even though it's not funny now, she still does it to get a reaction....

Slowly but surely she's slowed down but there are times when she is smack happy...but not to me...just to daddy right now....

We're working on it...